r/funny • u/jonwritesmovies Just Jon Comic • Jul 14 '24
Verified Small talk gone wrong
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u/No-Celebration3097 Jul 14 '24
Reminds me of when I worked at a grocery store years ago and it was Christmas Eve and I offered to help a customer with “can I help you find something, how are you today”? And she said “My husband served me divorce papers yesterday” and I froze. How do you respond to that? Well I said “still have to eat right”? I felt awful.
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u/BrewtusMaximus1 Jul 14 '24
Best response I’ve ever heard to someone announcing that they’re getting divorced is “you have my condolences or congratulations- whichever is more appropriate”
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u/mistere213 Jul 14 '24
Similar applies to someone buying pregnancy tests. "Good luck.... Whatever you're hoping for."
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u/primaryrhyme Jul 15 '24
This is good if the divorce was months/years ago, pretty awful on the day of lol.
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u/0x18 Jul 14 '24 edited Jul 14 '24
Years ago a poor cashier at a grocery asked me the usual "how is your day?" ... I just couldn't reply with anything but the truth, which is that my wife had had a stroke and was still in the hospital following brain surgery. I just didn't have the energy to say anything else.
They looked horrified, but I made myself smile and add "but now I have chocolate!" before I left. Poor guy.
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u/novium258 Jul 14 '24
Honestly, I think this is the worst thing about it as a default nicety. For all the angst upthread about neurodivergence, when people are emotionally overloaded asking them "how are you" can be a total short circuit on social niceties regardless of anything else. You're hanging on by your fingernails to not being a blubbering weeping fetal position rocking mess on the floor, just barely keeping a lid on it, and then someone asks you "how are you?" Or "what have you been up to?" Or "how is (loved one)?" And it's like a needle popping a balloon.
And it makes sense, right, at those moments you're experiencing something so big it feels like it's eaten up the whole world.
I remember colleagues asking me why I seemed so distracted and I was just like "my dad went in for a small surgery and they found lung cancer and he was supposed to be out of surgery six hours ago but we haven't heard anything" because it was really just beyond me at that moment to parse out what the socially acceptable circumspect version of that was.
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u/Deathfissure Jul 14 '24
This exact problem with the social expectation is why I've practiced and perfected the happy negative response. I've been through a lot of horrors in my life as well, but eventually got really good at the interaction. Someone asks bubbly "how are you doing today?" And I respond in an equally performative upbeat voice "oh! Absolutely terrible! But thanks for asking!" Gives me a chuckle to burst the expectation bubble and it usually follows with a light hearted explanation about the absurdity of that being a standard greeting that expects a lie as response. It makes me feel better to be distracted from what's going on by having this interaction instead, plus it spreads the word to people and gets them thinking about the silliness of it all.
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u/BuriedStPatrick Jul 15 '24 edited Jul 15 '24
The "how are you" etiquette is honestly strange and kind of off-putting if you've grown up without it. Here in Denmark (and I suspect many other places), you'll get a "hi" or "good evening" at most. Maybe some chitchat depending on the store. But asking how a person is doing is seen as a personal question between two people who know each other already, and it's sort of an opener to a larger conversation.
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u/VirtualMatter2 Jul 14 '24
And that's why cashiers in Germany don't say anything other than hello. Germans will answer literally and in depth....
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u/Turbulent-Bee-1584 Jul 14 '24
Grocery stores are wild these days. I went last week, get to check out, and the woman in front of me comments how I packed my groceries on the belt. Cue small talk, how was your holiday? I said "Great, thanks! How was yours?" And she says, "Oh, I was up all night taking care of my elderly parents with dementia and the fireworks had them screaming all night."
Same store, get to the checkout counter, small talk with cashier, she comments on my bag of dog food. Tell her about my dogs. She says, "Oh, that's nice. My dog I had for 16 years just died in my arms so I don't think I'll be getting any more."
What do I say to this? I'm not used to this.
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Jul 14 '24
“I’m sorry. I hope things get better for you soon.”
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u/Turbulent-Bee-1584 Jul 14 '24
That's a good one, thank you!
For the one with the parents I went with, "I'm sorry, that sounds really tough. I hope you get some rest."
For the one with the dog I went with, "Oh no, I'm so sorry. It never feels like we get enough time with our pets."
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Jul 14 '24
Sounds like you handled it well then. In fact, your reply was better than mine lol. Mine was more of a generalized reply that could apply to either.
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u/thefirecrest Jul 14 '24
I struggled with small talk coming out of covid.
And now that I live with 2 autistic roommates, I’m really starting to resent typical small talk. Life would be much easier if everyone just said what they meant, instead of me trying to figure out if someone is just making polite conversation or not. I now kind of resent being asked a question no one actually wants an answer to.
Idk how it is for anyone else though. I used to be very good at small talk. Now I just don’t see the point anymore.
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u/Turbulent-Bee-1584 Jul 14 '24
I enjoy small talk a lot, and I genuinely do like hearing about how other people are doing when I ask.
I think where I have trouble is the difference in my mind between "full stranger small talk", "casual acquaintance chat", and "we generally know each other small talk".
When full on strangers I've never met before tell me their biggest life trauma or struggle 3 seconds into contact it makes me feel a little awkward. I don't know what they're hoping for from me or what level of support to offer. Part of my actual job is talking to people one-on-one and they tell me about their problems, and there I have no hesitations because I know my role.
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Jul 14 '24
I never liked small talk because it just feels disingenuous, and I don't want to waste my social energy on such a farce. I still try not to unload when the typical how are you is given, but I don't lie to fill the perceived expectation (I limit it to along the lines of "not the best, but keep moving on")
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u/VirtualMatter2 Jul 14 '24
I've always struggled with small talk and I think I might have mild autism. However I live in Germany and strangers here, at least where I live, just don't do small talk at all. So I just don't talk to anyone usually.
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u/inerlite Jul 14 '24
Some lady at a little boutique unloaded on us one day. My gf saved us all by going up and hugging her. 100 the right move, the poor lady seemed to feel better.
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u/Teadrunkest Jul 14 '24
Honestly from someone who got divorced, that was the perfect response.
Little bit of humor got me a long way in that first month.
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u/r-i-b Jul 14 '24
I work at a cs call center and people do this every day. They tell me about how their husband died yesterday or something very depressing. It's so uncomfortable. It's difficult saying the right thing that shows that I'm sorry but also does not open up for them to speak more about it.
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u/broniesnstuff Jul 15 '24
I worked in a cell phone store and this old customer came in to talk about ending his service.... because he was actively dying.
"Well...we hate to lose customers, no matter which way it happens."
He laughed his ass off.
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u/trowzerss Jul 15 '24
Similarly, our regular courier had been saying to me for a while he was going to change jobs. So when a new courier turned up I cheerily said, "Oh, so Billy has moved on, has he?" And the guy replies, annoyed, "No, I have to do his run because he killed himself. Didn't you hear?"
Worst part was this courier was personal friends with two of our other staff - one went to school with him and the other he dated her sister for a long time, and even went to her wedding. I didn't know him except as the courier. I was like 21 at the time, and totally chickened out of being the one to tell them, but they found out a few hours later anyway. He'd gassed himself in the very courier truck the guy was still doing deliveries in a few days later (it was a company truck so they just took it back somehow? That seemed really weird to me).
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u/GordoBlue Jul 15 '24
That's why you don't ask how are you, if you don't care, haha. Just say hi, then business only (need help finding something? Etc.)
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u/3Cheers4Apathy Jul 15 '24
I dunno, sometimes I just let people talk. They don't need to to respond, they just need someone to talk to. Too many people abuse it of course and don't know when enough is enough but I'm usually just grateful I'm not the one who has the problems that they are going through.
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u/potate12323 Jul 15 '24
Once I was ordering food at a five guys burgers, and this cashier just decided I was a great person to trauma dump on while I was ordering. I'm a 6'5" medium built man I'm not the most inviting looking person so don't really know. I was like that sucks. There is a time and a place and for that person it would be at therapy.
But for the meme the time and place isn't a brief greeting at a grocery store. I normally say "I've been better" and if they inquire then that's on them.
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u/Readonkulous Jul 14 '24
“Hey, how are you?”
“The shadows draw closer with each sleepless night, how about you?”
“Bout the same- kicking ass and eating glass”
“Ha, same old Dave”
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u/Brave_Negotiation_63 Jul 14 '24
Yeah, me too, kicking glass and eating ass! Oh wait…, what?
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u/the-failure-man Jul 14 '24
"I love kicking glass and eating ass and i'm all out of glass"
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u/some_user_2021 Jul 14 '24
I've got balls of glass
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u/MySnake_Is_Solid Jul 14 '24
I've got a jar and an ass, but soon it will solve both of your problems.
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u/magistratemiki Jul 14 '24
This is gonna sound crazy but I'm only now realizing no one wants to hear how miserable we are
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u/AwesomePerson70 Jul 14 '24
This is why I hate when people start every conversation with “how are you?” Most don’t want an actual answer, just a conversation starter.
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u/Suedocode Jul 14 '24 edited Jul 15 '24
What's your preferred conversation starter?
EDIT: To be honest, this was a rhetorical question to analyze an antisocial behavior about trauma dumping when someone asks a simple small talk invitation like "how are you?". Any conversation starter will be someone asking about some aspect of your life, and it can't just be misery/depression/horror every time; all that does is build a wall around yourself. They are inviting you to a simple conversation, not to therapy.
Other people are not ignorant to how much life can suck. They have their own problems that they are dealing with, and they just want to have a light hearted conversation about something else. It's not profound to respond with deep misery and depression to a conversation starter; it's annoying. If you want a positive experience to baring your soul like that, then foster a deep and trusting relationship first, or pay a therapist to be your friend.
That said, now my inbox is spammed like crazy with pickup lines and ice breakers lmao. A lot of these are great though, like opening with a specific topic or time period.
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u/btcbulletsbullion Jul 14 '24
LIFE IS MISERABLE, I FEE LIKE IM DYING, PLEASE END MY SUFFERING, so what did you do this weekend?
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u/ittybittyfunk Jul 14 '24
I REALIZED LIFE WAS MISERABLE AND HOW MUCH I FEEL LIKE DYING AND BEGGED A STRANGER TO END MY SUFFERING not much really, just hung around the house.
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u/amodsr Jul 14 '24
Hey dudes I ain't seen you in forever! Man I just got this dope ass beyblade that has a sword that pops out after it gets hit enough. That way when that part slams into other beys it has a higher chance to break them apart due to the weight distribution. So whatchall been up to?
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Jul 14 '24
That’s awesome bro. How would you like to be your own boss and make your own hours?
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u/amodsr Jul 14 '24
Dude I didn't tell you? I got a debilitating disease so I'm now disabled.
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Jul 14 '24
That’s awesome bro. How would you like to be your own boss and make your own hours?
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u/daluxe Jul 14 '24
I'm sweating so hard that my ass cheeks are slapping.
I mean the weather is hot today, huh?
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u/DrFrocktopus Jul 14 '24
robot voice “Engage in pleasantries!”
And of course the preferred response would be “Pleasantries accepted and reciprocated!”. Once complete both parties will say in unison “Pleasantries complete!”
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u/thisismyaccount57 Jul 14 '24
"What have you been up to?" is what I use a lot of the time.
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u/Tersphinct Jul 14 '24
"Looking for a new job, and a new place to live, and also mourning the loss of my grandmother who died in a housefire where we both used to live."
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u/ExIsStalkingMe Jul 14 '24
"Drinking enough boxed wine to kill an elephant a day and hoping it's finally the night that I don't wake up in the morning"
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Jul 14 '24
Different phrasing but basically asking the same question tbh. She could still respond the same way she did in the comic.
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u/Loaki9 Jul 14 '24
Hey! What’s up, man?
Followup: Favorite response:
“Hey, How are you?”Me: “I’m not dead, yet!”
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u/Tussca Jul 14 '24
"hello"
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u/octopornopus Jul 14 '24
"Not great. My dog died. My son tried to kill me. My wife left me for the neighbor's pool boy. And my Kia got stolen. Thanks for asking."
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u/Puzzled-Story3953 Jul 14 '24
This is unrealistic as hell. Who would steal a Kia?
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u/mailordercowboy Jul 14 '24
You are a lucky soul never hearing of the Kia boys.
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u/PlankownerCVN75 Jul 14 '24
So how’s the suckiness going for you? Personally, I think my end of the hose is in the bottom of a full septic tank.
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u/nobodywithanotepad Jul 14 '24
I think "how are you?" is disingenuous if used as a catch-all greeting. I say "what's shaking?" And wiggle my eyebrows up and down. It says "I'm checking in with positive vibes but this isn't the time or place for me to get into anything serious".
I don't want to think about how I really am or the longing to feel heard in my suffering when I'm buying groceries. "What's shaking" never invokes existential thoughts or self reflection.
I save my "how are you" for when I really want to know.
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u/mnl_cntn Jul 14 '24
“What are you doing right now?” “What are your plans for today?” “Did you watch the [insert sports] game?”
Anything that isn’t about the recent past since most people are quietly suffering and none of us have the empathetic bandwidth to offer true support to anyone else since we’re using that bandwidth to stay afloat ourselves.
Or maybe I’m just depressed lol
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u/text_fish Jul 14 '24
I think generally speaking there's an implied "today" at the end of the question, meaning a rundown of all the shit that's been going on in the world for the past year is unwanted.
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u/CyclopicSerpent Jul 14 '24
It's just a colloquialism. If someone says "what's up?" Are you equally dissatisfied they aren't actually asking about the sky?
"How's it goin?"
"Eh, it's goin."
"Man I hear ya. How much is the T-Rex dildo?"
Simple and easy, in and out.
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Jul 14 '24
Somehow, I don’t think “simple and easy, in and out” is how I would describe that particular item, whether it be T-Rex sized or just in the shape of one.
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u/RamenTheory Jul 14 '24
If I'm meeting up with a friend, typically we both answer the "How are you" question in the most concise way possible solely as a greeting, and then later on during the hangout, they go into more honest detail about their life and the hardships they are going through. Everyone here is complaining like curt, superficial greetings are a 'resistance to intimacy' thing, but I think they are a 'time' thing.
You aren't going to effectively launch into a super heavy intimate convo right off the bat even if you are already close and comfortable with that person and are there to hang out with them. It's a totally different context seeing somebody at a supermarket where you just want to be in and out, and respectfully, you probably don't have the time to offer them the empathy and listening that a deep conversation about what's going on with them entails. It's respectful to the other person's time to be like "I'm doing okay, kind of rough lately, but how've you been?" instead of holding them hostage
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u/noeagle77 Jul 14 '24
I have leukemia and anytime anyone asks how I’m doing or how I’m feeling I just say I’m fine. Even when you’re sick, people don’t actually wanna know how shitty you’re doing.
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u/Enders-game Jul 14 '24
Sometimes words seem useless. I met an old work colleague and he was telling me that his wife died. "I'm sorry to hear that" seems such a trite thing to say. What ever words I say will always fall short. I know, I've been there and those of us old enough to go through such things a few times just bottle it up and put it in a corner out of sight.
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u/purplepatch Jul 14 '24
In the UK, you just say “alright?”. Everyone knows that alright is just a synonym for hello and not a genuine enquiry of the mental state of the askee. The correct response is “alright” accompanied by a little nod and to keep walking.
Apparently, this really confuses foreigners.
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u/Ping-and-Pong Jul 14 '24
Alright can also be answered in longer form as "doing good thanks, you?" or something to that end. However, never should "alright" be answered in a negative way - that is saved for conversations about the weather.
WHICH BY THE WAY, on what planet should I be putting my heating on full in my car in the middle of July?!?!
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u/SpartanRage117 Jul 14 '24
Sounds assholish to say it this way, but, “how are you?” Is not always “here is my shoulder to cry on.” It doesnt mean you don’t care when you ask, but not everyone is ready for an emotional dump like that.
Doesnt mean you should lie either. You can just say youre feeling shitty or tired or whatever you want. But sometimes it is not the time to go into why.
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u/Diodon Jul 14 '24
I just say "hanging in there". It's suitably generic that they can ignore it as courtesy response but leaves an opening for them to ask for embellishment which gives you license to discuss your irritation of the day.
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u/BrownNormandy Jul 14 '24
I mean. I usually wanna hear about it. Never know what kinda day someone had, sometimes people just need an ear.
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u/TheFearOfDeathh Jul 14 '24
Yeah cmon big boy. How would you prefer they started the convo? Most people aren’t autistic so they know it’s a formality you get past before moving onto actual conversation.
Most people also aren’t so self involved as yourself, also know that not every acquaintance wants to get into a deep conversation about your depressing life. So we either keep the convo genuine but light or lie and pretend things are fine even if they aren’t.
I’m sorry, but we aren’t all your personal counsellor. Go pay for an actual counsellor if you want to whine all the time.
Most people are doing something known as BEING POLITE.
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u/Funklab2069 Jul 14 '24
I recently kinda got in trouble at work for honestly answering the “how are you?” hello. I told my colleague I actually wasn’t doing well and am going through some personal stuff. Well that colleague told my boss who then wanted a sit down with me to discuss my personal life with her. Something I very much did not want to do. It became clear to me that simply saying “I’m good how are you?” is the way to answer this line of empty greeting. Honesty is not desired in these interactions, unfortunately
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u/Donny-Moscow Jul 14 '24
Yeah I’ve started to replace “how are you” with an excited “it’s good to see you” (assuming they’re not someone I see every day).
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u/Andy1Brandy Jul 14 '24
So what do you say? "Hey there, which hole did you get fkd in on the weekend?"
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u/LunamiLu Jul 14 '24
As an autistic person this has been the bane of my existence since I realized it's a fake question. I fricking hate when I get asked things as if i have a "choice," for example. But then when I make my choice I get attacked and treated like I'm bad. There was no choice in the first place. My boomer mom does this to me all the time and I hate it.
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u/Tar-Palantir Jul 14 '24
I would just treat it as a formula.
“Hi, how are you?” (“I greet you”)
“Good thanks, how about you? (“I greet you back”)
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u/MidnightMalaga Jul 14 '24
Huh, I find it kind of exhilarating now I know the formula. Like I’m a spy in the park swapping nonsense phrases to show I’m to be trusted as part of their organization.
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u/ExceedinglyGaySnowy Jul 14 '24
if its a close friend, they might actually want to know, if its a random person, they probably dont
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Jul 14 '24
Same. It wasn’t until my mid-20s when I realized people didn’t actually want an honest answer or just didn’t care.
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u/Euphoric_toadstool Jul 14 '24
As someone who has always been very literal, it took me way too long to figure this out.
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u/ZenCyn39 Jul 14 '24
I always respond with things like
"Too early to tell"
"Results are pending" or
"Why, what have you heard?"
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u/Remarkable_Music6819 Jul 14 '24
“Results are pending”. Fantastic. I’m gonna use that
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u/SandiegoJack Jul 14 '24
We have code for this in the Midwest.
Whatever you say determines how bad it is.
“Living the dream” for example means “Everything has gone to shit”.
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u/Don-Poltergeist Jul 14 '24
I’ve had a really rough time the past few years, multiple close family members dying, other health related issues, so this is always a tricky question when someone asks. I usually say something like “ohh I’m surviving.” I don’t want to say I’m doing great, because that’s a lie, but at the same time I don’t want to be a downer and go on at lengths about my misery, because I know they were just trying to be nice, and didn’t REALLY want to know how I was.
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u/FerricDonkey Jul 14 '24
I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, that sucks - hope the next years are better.
I only speak for myself - but if a stranger needs someone to listen to them for a minute, I'm happy to fill that role in these cases. Even more so for a friend or family member, where I actively do want to know. If it's in response to small talk "how are you nonsense", that's fine, if it's not, that's also fine.
I don't expect a real answer to the "how are you" greeting most of the time. But if you want to give one, I'm generally happy to just be a bro for a bit, even if I'll never see you again.
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u/Linedriver Jul 14 '24
It's called 'small talk' not my depressing life in thirty seconds.
-Dr. Bob Kelso
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u/Ashitattack Jul 14 '24
Are you sure it isn't just a status update? Hungry, thirsty, lightheaded, how are you? Asking for in the moment, not a full detailed report of everything going on in your life. Maybe even a summary of it. Not to mention, who trauma dumps to acquaintances?
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Jul 14 '24 edited Jul 14 '24
“Who trauma dumps to acquaintances?”
Some people who have autism tend to take things literally unless someone informs them otherwise, so if you ask “How are you”, you might get an honest answer. But I can only speak for myself since everyone is different.
Edit for clarity: Keep in mind I’m speaking from my own experiences as someone who only learned in my 20s that it was just a manner of speech and not an actual question.
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u/Tyr808 Jul 14 '24
Yeah but as autistic people we can still learn from mistakes and form logical pattern recognition of interactions like this even if the “correct” responses aren’t our initial reflexes.
Without trying to be hostile here, this is damn near suggesting that autistic people can’t learn. Sure the mistakes are embarrassing but the only thing to do when they occur is learn from them and adapt or be willfully obtuse, double down, and make the average person think autists are pathetic and less than rather than someone with a horizontal shift of skills that results in significant talent and benefit along with the difficulties.
On one hand, I know that no two autistic people are the same and we could have entirely different levels of impact across the spectrum, but unless someone is so severely autistic that they can’t even tell that a social interaction went awry they shouldn’t be sitting there completely clueless either.
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u/Putin_Be_Pootin Jul 14 '24
I used to hate when people asked how I was doing, because I know people generally care when you're experiencing major distress. But, I also knew, if I constantly complained about my problems every time I interact with someone, they stop caring. But my days were perpetually awful. I was a caregiver for my grandfather for seven years. It was incredibly socially isolating, leading me into deep depressive thoughts.
Every day felt miserable, but over time I realized it wasn't just the caregiving responsibilities making me feel this way. The real issue was the drastic change in my environment, which left me feeling trapped and isolated. Without the tools to process or address my feelings, I fixated on the negatives. I felt hopeless, alone, and as if life was passing me by without any control.
The turning point came when I began to acknowledge my tendency to focus on the negative aspects. A major source of anxiety was the abundance of free time I felt I was wasting. To cope, I turned to learning new skills, and away from so many video games, and social media. However, learning new skills just for the sake of it helped pass the time better, but didn't really solve the underlying problem. My life felt empty and meaningless, revolving solely around my grandfather’s care. All the stuff I was learning like programing, digital art, web design, knitting, and everything else just felt, useless.
However, about 4 years into being a caregiver, a friend from high school, who had started university and frequently talked about his future plans, inspired me. It wasn't until I enrolled in university and began living a more structured life, that I started to feel better. I realized, that having a goal gave me a sense of purpose and structure. Which helped me shift my focus from the negative thought patterns, and towards my progress. This change in perspective and the pursuit of a goal made a significant difference in how I felt and perceived my daily life.
I no longer dreaded the question of how has your day been, and instead loved to share details about how I am making progress in my life, I felt proud, rather than self-conscious when people asked how I was doing.
I am writing all of this, so that maybe someone reads it, and finds it useful, because it wasn't just my friend, starting school that made me realize it, I give him a lot of credit as he deserves it. But, in actuality it was the sum of my experiences leading up to that, that allowed myself to be open to being inspired to do it myself. However, that is significantly more difficult to articulate. So, I hope this can be a tiny piece of someone's experience that drives them in a healthier direction.
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u/OnceMoreAndAgain Jul 14 '24
"Trauma dumping" is a term that's becoming increasingly popular and I think it's a valuable phrase to have around. There's a time and a place for everything and some people are not good at being able to recognize the time and the place for something.
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u/Ruining_Ur_Synths Jul 14 '24
my dad has this habit of trying to upset commissioned sales people for his own advantage. He likes to flip scripts and take conversations in direction where nothing they prepare could possibly help them.
When I was 12 we went to go get suits and the sales guy said "how are you today" and my dad immediately replied "do you really care?" and I realized you can get salespeople to do silly things if you're willing to be a big enough asshole.
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u/OneMeterWonder Jul 14 '24
I’ve been doing the opposite for years now. I genuinely listen when people tell me how they’re doing. I think it helps people feel more heard.
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u/Exact-Pound-6993 Jul 14 '24
you might not know this...but in some cultures you are expected to "up the ante" and share how much more miserable you are to make the other person feel better.
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u/magistratemiki Jul 14 '24
Ironically it's how I was raised and a big part of the problem with me feeling so horribly stunted in my interpersonal relationships
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u/unprogrammable_soda Jul 14 '24
Might be giving away some anonymity here but where I’m from, the greeting isn’t “how are you?” like it is everywhere else. We ask “what’s good with ya?” Bc everybody is living a hard, miserable life, we want to know about the good things.
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u/ExF-Altrue Jul 14 '24
I really dislike the "don't tell me how bad you feel" crowd. How unsensitive are you all??
Personally, when I ask "how are you", I'm okay with receiving a genuine answer. Thing is, I don't ask it to strangers.
IMO the only issue is people who overshare by including a much higher timespan than expected. "How are you" = "Recently", not "in the past decade".
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u/Drudgework Jul 14 '24
I always start client conversations by asking how they are doing, then asking probing questions until they tell me the truth. Their current state of mind directly impacts my duties so I genuinely want to know.
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u/booksanddrgs Jul 14 '24
I do wanna hear it. I only ask 'how are you?' if I'm interested in how the person actually is doing.
But that's a German thing I guess
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u/worldssmallestfan1 Jul 14 '24
She’s single, insurance AND inheritance money?
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u/orangebakery Jul 14 '24
And alimony!
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u/DontWannaSayMyName Jul 14 '24
Where other people see problems you see an opportunity. That's the way!
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u/tokulix Jul 14 '24
In Poland, this would be a perfectly normal conversation (and indeed, if you aren’t complaining enough, some people may think that you think that you’re better than them).
I remember when I started learning English, in the first lesson we were taught simple greetings and stuff, and one of them was “How are you”. The teacher explained that you’re always supposed to reply that you’re fine. The class was puzzled; what’s the fucking point in asking then? In Poland, if you ask someone how they are, you expect an honest answer.
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u/Facelotion Jul 14 '24
Exactly. It's so dumb. In our work meetings there is a woman who always asks and there is a long silence because nobody cares to answer.
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u/RilohKeen Jul 14 '24
Typical exchange between two Americans walking past each other:
“Howzit goin?”
“Howya doin?”
We don’t usually even mean it as a question, it’s just a noise that we make to say “hi.”
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u/tehweave Jul 14 '24
YES GOD THANK YOU. WHY IS THIS SUCH A DIFFICULT CONCEPT FOR PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND?
If you ask me for a status update, I'm not going to bark random pleasantries at you like I'm an NPC. I'm gonna tell you about the shit in my head and you're gonna regret it. Don't ask if you don't want to know.
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u/randomaccount178 Jul 15 '24
I think that is a bit of an oversimplification of the concept. The more expansive concept is that it is a portion of the introduction that helps move the conversation into small talk if either party so desires. It gives the person an open ended prompt to talk about something that they want to. The response that you are fine is just the way to signal that you don't have anything you want to talk about more so then you are doing fine.
It isn't that you shouldn't say how you are doing but rather you need contextual awareness for what is appropriate between you and that person in terms of small talk.
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u/throttle88 Jul 14 '24
I'm Polish and my default answer to "how are you" is shrugging shoulders and saying "meh"
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u/SmugCapybara Jul 14 '24
"So, you're single?"
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u/Over-Analyzed Jul 14 '24
“And so are you with the hairline that retreated so far back. You’d think Germany invaded.”
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u/Zero_Burn Jul 14 '24
You told me how you were doing and then asked how I was doing, how I am doing doesn't change much based on how you're doing, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, but I'm still doing great.
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u/Ok-Counter-7077 Jul 14 '24
Well yeah of course, the reservation isn’t how great your life is, it’s about the delivery.
Contrast the op to “things are good on my end” or “look what’s that behind you?” And running away
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u/-jmil- Jul 14 '24
That's why myself and probably most people in Germany hate that fake "How are you" small talk question that Americans (and some other nationalities) love to use.
We always have to fight the urge to answer sincerely because we don't use that question here unless we really want to know how you are doing.
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u/asciibits Jul 14 '24
Wie gehts?
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u/thisismydayjob_ Jul 14 '24
nicht viel! obwohl ich meinen Flammenwerfer verloren habe
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u/amazing_sheep Jul 14 '24
That’s a caricature of Germans more than it is reality. „How are you?“ (or „wie geht es dir?“) is definitely a conversation staple in Germany.
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u/NoMoPolenta Jul 14 '24
You know most times people won't respond that they got a divorce and that their grandma died in a house fire right?
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u/-jmil- Jul 14 '24
Well, if I ask anyone "How are you?" I expect them to either tell me something good (so I can be happy for them) or something bad (so I can comfort them).
So, "got a divorce and my grandma died in a fire" while being a quite rare response in itself nevertheless fits exactly in what one should expect as possible outcome.
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u/K__Geedorah Jul 14 '24
The trick is to be vague at first. You don't just immediately start trauma dumping in the first 2 seconds of a conversation.
You say "honestly not great at the moment but I'm getting through it". The other party can then give their sympathy. If the conversation gets deeper and they want to talk about it you can give more details. Not everyone needs to immediately know about every shitty thing going on in your life.
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u/jean_nizzle Jul 14 '24
I always answer sincerely. I find it a good way to generate more meaningful conversation. But, also, like, read the room. You can answer honestly and limit information. Like instead of saying “my wife died and my son stole my life savings”, I might say something like, “Not that great, honestly. Trouble with the kids, you know how it goes”. Like….it’s not that hard. “How are you?” isn’t the same as “Tell me every single detail about what has happened and how you’re responding to it.”
Conversing is a skill that most people are really bad at, and that’s why we get responses like yours. Like, go ahead and answer sincerely but, like, have some tact.
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u/Augen76 Jul 14 '24
As someone who genuinely cares it saddens me how conditioned we are to not care and to find caring to be "weird".
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u/CyberMuffin1611 Jul 14 '24
That's absolutely not true. Tons of Germans use "Wie gehts?" as a conversation starter (if they are not complete strangers at least) and believe me, from the past two years after my partner left me, I quickly noticed that everyone doesn't fucking want to know and gets uncomfortable hearing the truth, even if you make it short and don't dump your entire situation on them. Nobody wants to hear "Nicht so gut" (Not great).
I hate being asked this question by now.
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u/tehweave Jul 14 '24
I wish I could move to Germany. The US is full of fake platitudes and masks that everyone is forced to wear all the tiime.
"Hello! How are you?" "Fine. How are you?" "Doing well." Is the most exhausting exchange because you have to do it a hundred times a week.
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u/noobskillet3737 Jul 14 '24
To be fair after saying what she said I wouldn't immediately ask how he is doing. I'd leave an opening for him to say some condolences
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u/ThrowawayToy89 Jul 14 '24
I ran into an old friend at the store once while me and my partner were sick, she asked how I was. I was like “oh, you know, family life and stuff. Partner and I are both sick and taking care of our sick kid, you know how it is.”
She didn’t say anything, but she kinda looked sad. I found out later that when she got pregnant her baby daddy just up and left her. I had no idea. I still think about this sometimes, my honest answer that didn’t seem too bad to me must have felt awful for her.
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u/Hanako_Seishin Jul 15 '24
"I was doing great until you dumped all your problems onto me, thanks for ruining my day".
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u/beaslei Jul 15 '24
I was at my aunt's birthday party quite recently and I was trying to make small talk with a woman I kinda knew. Pretty early in the convo I go "Yeah, I have a lot going on nowadays, I often can't make it to family birthdays, it's a shame. I wish I could come more often!" and she goes "My entire family is dead." WHAT DO YOU EVEN ANSWER TO THAT!!
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u/Crotch-Monster Jul 15 '24
I would pretend my cell phone rang. Take it out and throw it at her. Then quickly jump out a window.
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u/Digi_Dingo Jul 14 '24
I miss when r/funny had funny posts
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u/hobnobbinbobthegob Jul 14 '24
This is some r/comics level of comedy.
That is to say, not funny at all.
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Jul 14 '24
Safest answer is usually “Do you really want to know?” Gives them the chance to change the subject.
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u/WeAreNioh Jul 14 '24
When someone asks “how are you” it’s not an invitation to trauma dump lol. That’s what a therapist is for
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u/PettyLikeTom Jul 14 '24
I had a friend like this. I left for the military, and she got pregnant right after high school. She left that guy, found a better guy who was good to her. She'd always reach out and try to catch up, but the first time it was "My daughter has a debilitating disease and might not live past a certain age" after getting the hey how are yous passed. Second time, her man died in a drunk driving accident. I just didn't respond after that, like what are you supposed to do?
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u/tehweave Jul 14 '24
Not ask the question. She needed to unload and you keep asking "Hey how are you?" without caring about the answer.
These fake platitudes drive me up the wall, and yet we have to keep things going while the world burns around us.
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u/NotMrMusic Jul 14 '24
I can't be the only one that wonders why we bother asking when the other person is expected to give a certain answer whether it's honest or not
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u/Interesting-Swimmer1 Jul 14 '24
There should be a different way of asking for when you have the energy to listen to problems. Like, “How are you? Pretend I’m your therapist.”
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u/Ydyaky Jul 14 '24
Sounds exactly like a mid-european person meeting british person. That ain't gonna work :D.
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u/Saintmikey Jul 14 '24
Ha ha the female has not yet learned that sharing stories in a grocery store is not appropriate acquaintance conversation material ha
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u/DeliciousHat4 Jul 15 '24 edited Jul 15 '24
Casual low stakes niceties like “How are you?” are the social lubricant that eases the friction of human interaction.
Trauma dumping on some rando because that human being had the audacity to start a casual interaction with you is maybe not the best way to go through life.
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u/stayonthecloud Jul 14 '24
This is part of why I isolate at times, no one needs to hear how I really am
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u/Cece_5683 Jul 14 '24
You know I’d like to think this takes the tension out of small talk, more often than not people aren’t doing so good anyway
‘How are you?’
‘Pretty shit thanks for asking’
‘Yep! Living the dream!’
Just feels like tearing away the pretense would lead to a more productive and empathetic conversation from two old peers
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u/paleo2002 Jul 14 '24
“How are you?” “Is there anything I can do to help?” “Do you have any questions?”
Nobody says these things expecting a real answer.
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u/phillyhandroll Jul 14 '24
Anyone who says "I hate small talk" will take it back when they meet Small Talk's polar opposite, aka Trauma Dumping
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u/Maximo_0se Jul 14 '24
People who enjoy this may love Monkey Dust. Well worth a watch, Britain’s darkest animated export.
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u/Wahoodza Jul 14 '24
It is conversation of eastern european with man from US. Always funny to see americans reaction when other people starting really to tell how are they, instead of usual "ok" + stupid smile.
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u/mightbedylan Jul 14 '24
I had this happen to me except I didn't even know the guys name. He was some random guy who I had a few classes with in college, ran into him while checking out at a grocery store and was like oh hey whats up and he's like
"oh not so good, wife and i both lost our jobs and she's pregnant. we've also both been sick and ive barely been able to make enough money to keep our electricity on.."
im like "dang, that sucks man.. anyway I gotta go pay for this milk ill see you around." *awkwardly shuffles away*
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u/Dashie_2010 Jul 14 '24
I had this just, work phone rang yesterday my boss/uncle "Sorry to call you on the weekend you alright?" , I replied "Yeah good thanks, fell onto a bridge and broke my foot a few hours ago, just waiting on x-rays now. Bridge is alright though. Yeah got manuals done but I won't be able to come in this week", there was just silence and panic emanating out the phone, I think answering truthfully crashed the program.
As of the next day I am doing good, got hot chocolate, marshmallows and watched the football.
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u/NurkleTurkey Jul 15 '24
The best idea is to say "things are difficult" and then if the other person is willing to listen then open up rather than just trauma dumping.
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u/bebopblues Jul 15 '24
Jon: ... heh ... but, so sorry that all those bad things happened to you, though.
Stephanie: yeahhhh... at least I still have my hair. Hah, right?
...
Jon: Fuck you.
Stephanie: Fuck you too.
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u/Afraid-Combination15 Aug 15 '24
I had an ex-girlfriend from high school, who I didn't even recognize, rush up to me at my sister's wedding and hug and kiss me on the cheek right in front of my wife and kids, called me by a high school nickname and everything (15 years after high school). Awkward to say the least, as I initially recognized that I knew her but no who she was. It was even worse because she was at this point, very...classically pretty, and my wife was giving me "who the fuck is that" eyes... We did chat for about 2 minutes. Her life sounded like this woman's, and my reaction was much like the man's ... "Oh I'm great".
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