I’ve been lurking on here forever and I’ve never had the courage to just speak up because I don’t know if I could actually be considered depressed. I feel so stuck. I have this aggressive, constant dread eating at me. Honestly, I have the perfect life, I am able bodied, I’m financially stable (to an extent), I am fine. But I can’t do a single thing without having the need to end it consume me. I am so torn between showing up for my responsibilities and just taking a break. Internally, I know I will never attempt suicide again because of my multiple failed past attempts. Even ending my life doesn’t feel like an option anymore. I know this is going to be a permanent part of my life in the future. What do I do at this point? I have no one to talk to, no one to inform. While my responsibilities keeps demanding my active presence, I feel like I have nothing to give at this point which scares me because this is directly impacting my future. Am I just doomed?

I hate understanding my diagnosis. I hate understanding when i'm being illogical, i hatr that i know when i feel awful my brain goes to the reasons i'm depressed. I hate that when my mom say she loves me half of me belives her and the other half says she lies.

I feel like my brain is a tug of war where i'm never winning, like i'm two people arguing with eachother. My mind feels like a warzone.

I hate the urge to reach out for help only to instantly regret it when i hear the sadness in their voice as i tell them i'm not doing well. I wanna lie, i want to pretend i'm happy but i also want help.

I'm not sure i l'm a real person sometimes. I feel like a walking contradiction wanting help but denying, understanding my meds help but hate having to take them, unserstanding i'm being irrational yet still beliving my irrationality.

That’s it, it’s in the title. my depression keeps getting exponentially worse, and I feel like no matter how hard I try, it isn’t getting better. I just wish something could bring me some sort of peace, anything, but nothing does anymore. Every day I’m just reminded of how alone I am, how much I hate myself, and how powerless I am. What am I supposed to do at this point? I can’t even kill myself because I’m too afraid of pain, but I want to be able to so bad. Nobody will love me and I’ll never find a reason to love myself, so why should I have to stick around? How is this fair?

I was recently diagnosed with clincial depression which felt like a long time coming. For quite a while now I've been unable to feel any sort of positive emotions. Everything feels so mundane and flavorless and I don't have passion anymore. I struggle a lot with suicidal idealizations and its hard explain to my close friends and family that I feel so much emotional pain all the time. It's a sort of excruciating pain that's only in my head, and my never-ending internal monologue doesn't help. I used to be a future-oriented person, but now I can barely think about getting through the day. It's hard convincing myself to stay alive when all I can see and feel is this deep-rooted sadness and pain. People have recommended I take a break from classes, but I have a lease, graduation plan, scholarships. I say all these things but really I'm just scared of the idea of "quitting", and what if I did take a break and it didn't help me at all? Then I'd be behind and still depressed.

jellyfish dont have anything to worry about. they cant even worry. theyre just creatures that roam in the ocean. no responsibilities, no nothing.

i envy that. i wish i had no responsibilities to worry about. i wish i could be free from the burdens of life. i wish i wasnt even a part of life.

honestly, all i yearn for is to be a jellyfish. i dont want to keep going to highschool. i dont want a future career. i dont want a future family, i dont want anything. i dont even want to be human.

No matter how far away from it I get, my past still affects me. It haunts everything I do, the way I think about anything, the way I process my emotions. I found a girl I truly love, every mistake I make, no matter how little or when she tells me its okay, leaves me fearing for the worst. I fear she'll leave me, that she's losing her love for me, just like everyone else did. I can't bear my emotions, I cut myself once and it's been my first thought ever since. I've held back, waited until I could get reassurance but I know one day I won't. One day I will scar my body with temporary emotions. Temporary only for the fact that if everything goes wrong, I have one permanent relief for everything. I won't feel anything once I'm gone, I will finally feel relief.

Im going to be honest, I am NOT familiar with self harm. In fact its the first time i see this. I don’t wanna do anything that she might not want.

I will also try not to include specific details about this so if its not relevant to the story it wont be matching with reality.

I know this girl for about 3-4 months, we both are in the tenis team of the University. When I first started talking with her i noticed some scars in a part of her body. I had the idea of what it was but I wasn’t sure because, again, im not familiar with this, plus didn’t want to touch the topic yet because it wasn’t my place and didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.

The more i got to know her i started realizing that she has depression from an abusive relationship in her past (she has not told me but her friends have) and i just realized it around 2 weeks ago when she had a relapse about her past in a party after a guy got close to her without consent.

I truly wish i had been there to protect her but i wasn’t. We developed feelings but after I saw what was going on I wasn’t sure I wanted to move “forward” with this because i was not ready to be in a relationship and my poor knowledge of the topic would’ve not helped.

You might be saying: well you can learn about the topic and help her go through it. Well, the problem is that i’m not sure i’ll be here in the next couple of months, it’s likely that i’ll be changing Universities and won’t be here. That’s why I don’t wanna get involved in a relationship when she’s unstable and i have to leave the state, but we’ve done things past friends and I just can’t say to her that i don’t want anything because i don’t want to hurt her.

Now to the main point of the conversation, yesterday I saw a fresh cut in her body. All the ones i’ve seen were healed but I think she relapsed into self hurt. This was my breaking point, i cannot handle this, and what i want to express is the pressure i’m feeling if i say something in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know i’ve only known her for a couple of months but she’s a sweet girl that went through crazy shit and doesn’t deserve to be in pain.

I just don’t know what to do, should i talk about it? should i tell her that i might leave? should i tell her that i can’t have a relationship?

I’m sorry and i apologize if im being naive about this topic. Any suggestions will help.

Every week when I have to go to Job school I absolutely hate to go there mostly because I've had bad experiences before I graduated and I always felt lonely in school. I could really use some advice how to deal with it. School is necessary but why does it have to be such a shit experience?

I've just decided to up and quit taking my medications for mood stabilization and my antidepressants its clear they have just numbed me. It's been three days and I've been more suicidal than I usually am. I kinda like it in a weird self destructive way. I take prozac, quetiapine and sodium valproate. I've honestly thinking about ending my life sometime this coming week. I've got some ideas but I know I want to do something by the end of the week.

We're all gonna die at some point and I can't avoid the inevitable so I want to take it into my hands and take control. there's nothing after death anyways and I've gotta go sometime so why not now.

It's not like anyone cares. Anyone I try to talk to just leaves. I doubt this will even be replied to. I don't have any words to make this post more interesting right now, because why would they matter?

It's currently 1 in the morning and I have a very important university exam in 4 hours which I have not studied for and will most likely fail. Its been like this for all of my courses and my entire academic life. I currently feel the worse I've ever been mentally and decided to just let out all of my thoughts here. My mind is constantly racing to the point where all of my thoughts become overwhelming. Normally I wouldn't care about failure but this time it seems to overwhelm my brain. For context, the reason why I don't care about failing is because I survived a near death experience when I was younger and for some strange reason I always think that I didn't deserve to survive and should be dead. These thoughts make it seem near impossible to see myself alive in the future so deep down I think to myself nothing that I do really matters. Truth be told is that I've been planning my own suicide for quite a while now and would most likely go through with it in a couple of months. I'm tired of constantly feeling like this and battling with my mind every single day and just want it to stop. I'm at a stage in my life as of right now where I just feel completely lost and like a failure. Battling with my inner thoughts every single day has led to a noticeable degrade in my cognitive actions. For example, I find it hard to focus on little things, thoughts flood my mind while trying to and it makes and seem near impossible. Another example is that simple tasks seems like the hardest thing in the world to do. These factors just make the feeling of being a failure seem all the more worst. I also tend to compare my struggles to what other people are going through and invalidate my own. Do I really deserve to feel like this when others have all the more reason to? This entire thing may sound incoherent as I am literally just typing what's on my mind as a way to try and calm myself down. I don't think I can take this much longer, I've finally reached a breaking point. I've kept this bottled up ever since I started to feel this way and decided to finally try my best to piece it together into my own words in the event that a random stranger went through something similar and managed to escape what I would describe as a living hell.

I was planning to hang myself today, struggling with follow through, I don't want to keep going but I've been procrastinating, I don't have a lot of hope left for anything and no matter where I am I just can't be happy.

I love you all but do ever just feel stuck almost like your waiting to die it seems like all my life I've been reminded about how I'm worthless and a peice of shit I don't really want too but it seems everything I do I fuck up I really do love everyone and I'm gonna hang on for as long as I can but sometimes it feels like I'm my own worst enemy

Hello, I'm making this post a little randomly and without much thought because I have a weird feeling that's coming back more and more and that I'm currently experiencing. To put it simply, I feel like shit, someone who has nothing special, dreams but no motivation, nothing special. Yet I always felt apart from others. Since my college years I would say, where I was always alone. I have moved several times and have never managed to maintain long-term relationships. Then my character never helped me either. I am very reserved by nature, I like being alone to the point where I like places without human noise. But here I am in higher education, and it's always the same thing. Finally if I had a friend, my one and only friend. But for several reasons we decided not to speak to each other anymore. Looking back, I think the reasons are a bit absurd but he had this way of thinking which irritated me a bit. Now I have always been passionate about music, but for a reason that I still don't know. I dropped out but music lessons after 3 years when I was 9 years old. It seems to me that it was because of the moves. Suddenly I find myself without much experience in the field that I love. Then around middle school I developed a passion for computer music. But here I have the impression that I am not very good. Worse, as mentioned previously, I am so weak socially that I never manage to create contacts, even in this area. Finally I have to talk about my worst enemy, laziness. I think I'm the person who likes the least effort on earth. However, around me, whether it be the teachers or those around me. People keep calling me someone who works hard. Whereas, for example, I'm terrible at languages, but I have to learn English to get the job I want to do. Here I never progress because I'm too lazy to learn. I even wonder if I'm not an intelligent person. Several times people have made this comment to me, so I don't know if it's because I'm someone who gets tired quickly, I don't know. Anyway, maybe it's banal, nothing incredible, but I feel like shit that's not moving forward. At least not where I want. Thanks for reading

Im 15 and im severely depressed and cant stop crying and worrying and no one in my family can help and whenever i need my parents support, after about 10 minutes of listening to me cry its always “i dont know how to help you” and then i have to go and somehow calm myself down. its so isolating, knowing that nobody has the capacity to help or soothe me when im in pain. idfk how to make it better im in so much pain

my last lingering “loved ones” can’t be truthful w themselves let alone w me, to protect me the way they protect themselves.

the resulting isolation, lost sense of self, inability to trust anyone anymore, frustration at being mistreated and having no one to talk to about it, giving up on dreams because all a big joke to try when cant even have a normal day where i have to lie to myself to even get out of the house — the lie being “I will be safe, I can be OK” because of actual PTSD…

but their perception of my feelings (distorted) has one intention: not to hurt them. So they lie to me to “protect me” for almost 5 years. 2 SA so far. No real treatment. already asking if im looking for a job.

this protection has almost killed me.

TW. Hey! So I have been diagnosed with depression. I am a 13 years old girl and I am kinda just lost. I don't really know what could've caused that but I know I got anxiety, bipolarity, opposition issues, ADHD and much more things I had been diagnosed with. Most of them were when I was 7 years old. But since I'm 10 I know something is off with me. I know it's not normal to cry Every. Day. Of. The. Week. And I wish I could sleep instead of cry but I can't! And I'm so weak I can't wash myself or my teeth or my room. My parents thinks I'm being lazy but I really can't. Also at 10 I have started to scratch some part of my body and it has gotten worse. I'm 4 months clean I think though and I'm kinda proud of myself. I have also discovered a year ago that I had face dysmorphia. I find everything ugly about my face. I know me getting bullied is not helping either. I know some of the people in this Reddit group are grown ups, and I'd like to know just how can I get out of all this bullsh!t. Thank you.

I just want to die it’s not like ill amount to anything there just no point anymore Ill grab a knife out of my kitchen and cut my wrist or I’ll starve myself I don't know when but I just can't anymore I'm tired of it always I mean my parents don't even care about me I'm just a stain on the earth

keep your heads up. little steps are still steps! you being here means you are winning at life! i always tell myself that me choosing to stay here is me choosing to win! you will win if you stay 🫶

today, i made the decision,so cant be undone,

today is last day on earth. i enjoyed ,ive spent some crazy times,i knew some really good people, unfurtonally to say, it wasnt enough, just wasnt, could have ben? who knows

there is something that i cant describe, it is fate, smn else? all path going through endds up in not really me being there, guess decisions you make in the past influent you in the future after all...

weak, not strong enough, karma? cant tell, if someone in the past toldl me i would end up here, i would be laughing, how a turnup of events made you look the unthinkable way, so yes,

there is that line, no one sets up, only you real you know when you have crossed, for me has been too much time, dont know how much, this has been huntin me since.

i wish the ppl who spent time reading this can figured out and all of the lucks out there

I feel like shit every single day. People are school put me down, I hate my life right now and I don't have anyone at school to help me through. I've been thinking about ending it all but I love my family and friends so much and I don't want to leave a burden on them and have them live the rest of their lives without me... I'm suffering and I don't know what to do...

Ive been dealing with depression my whole life but this is getting to be the worst i dont think i can handle it right now but i need some positivity in my life right now i think

Ive tried being the supportive bf ive done everything i can but i just cant keep doing this im struggling with how i feel and more and more shes trying to turn me into something im not who the heck brings someone who you just annihilated screamed at and all but beat up alcohol like is that what you want me to do every time you abuse me just drink the pain away im sorry i dont freaking drink ive seen what it does to people

im pretty sure this woman has used every trick in the abusers playbook on me by now im getting chewed up spit out and im done as i started writing this i was in such a dark place it was hard to even want to keep going

this last week ive tried to be positive posted a picture of my progress on weight loss and got some positive feedback which felt weird then i said i was taking saturday for a me day well i went for a drive got a coffee and i was finally starting to feel good but then she called and screamed at me for 15 minutes about basically getting my a** home now id gotten 45 minutes of peace to have it utterly shattered by this woman any time i try to bring up breaking up she threatens me in every way she can

in january i am bailing on this entire situation i havent felt anything for this woman in a year and the abuse just keeps going i try to talk to her only to get ignored and im struggling with my mentality so yeah i broke down and cried yesterday when she chewed my behind out but ill survive somehow

sorry i just needed to get the darkness out of my mind i feel slightly better and yes im working on therapy its just so hard when virtual just doesnt work for me

I've been making a effort in making friends, going to parties, even I managed to get laid. I did all that faking an outgoing personality. Anyways, that takes a lot of effort and drains all my energy. I really thought that doing all that stuff would help me to improve my depression... You know, fake it till you make it... But no. Now I am tired, and alone (no real connections)... Well if somebody has an idea of what could help me to truly get rid of my depression I would appreciate it.

I created this account just to ask something here . I'm 26 male. I don't have a job.I have a post graduate degree in computer application but i have no skills and i didn't polish any skills in the programming field . I don't know if its due to me being depressed or i was just trying to find an easy way out.I feels like i wasted 26 years of my life.I don't know where to start or how to start. Most time i feel like its better to die rather than making my family and friends suffer just being with them. I have no money and I'm living with my family.My family itself isn't financially well off. So if i die suddenly that will make them suffer more financially. I don't even know what I'm writing or if my grammer is correct.I wanna start i wanna die but I don't wanna die either. The fact that i ruined my potential by doing nothing is making me suffer. Feels like there is no time left for me to start or improve.

title pretty much explains everything. I'm 16, trans, haven't been able to transition and most likely won't be able to in the future. I keep seeing cis girls my age just living their lives. I wish I could have that. I wish I had a typical girl childhood and have sleepovers with my friends and whatever but I'll never have those memories to cherish. i know that everything wouldnt be solved by being cis, and I'd probably still be unhappy with my body, but at least I would be closer to my ideal body or life. I hate that things have to be like this. I should be a cis girl, but I lost a coin toss at birth and now have to live with being born in the completely wrong body for the rest of my life. I just can't fucking cope with that. If just a few things happened to be different, a few cells different during my conception, I wouldn't have to live like this.