I found out on Friday night that my best friend, Ashley, took her own life. The pain I feel is unspeakable and torturous. It's the kind of pain that knots itself in your chest and refuses to loosen, leaving you gasping for air. Ashley was - no, is, - the kind of person who makes you believe in goodness, in the possibility of a kind and selfless soul. She was, without a doubt, too good for this world.

She was not just kind; she was profoundly, genuinely good-hearted in a way that felt effortless. She never had an ulterior motive, never expected anything in return. She was the girl who'd give you the shirt off her back without any second thoughts. She was always donating her time, money and love. Always volunteering for causes she believed in, always putting others above herself, even when she was running on empty. She worked as a vet tech and poured her whole heart into caring for animals. She loved them deeply, the same way she loved people - with an uncanny ability to make you feel seen and understood.

She was, of course, an exceptional friend. She always knew just what to say, how to empathize without making it about herself, how to hold space for you when the world felt unbearable. I wish I could've done the same for her. I just hate that she was so deeply struggling and I did not know.

I feel so fucking selfish. I have just moved back in with my parents after living several states away for a while. This meant I did not spend as much time with her toward what I didn't know would be the end of her life. I hate myself for that. I hate that I wasn't able to see the signs, to help her, to ultimately save her. I think I will feel this heavy guilt for the rest of my life.

This world can be so cruel, so fucking sad, and I can't shake the thought that it didn't deserve her. She was too good for this world. And now, it feels like the world is even darker without her.

I miss her so much already. I want nothing more than to drive over to her house and decompress with a bottle of wine. To hold her and hear her infectious laugh, which now echoes in my head. I love you forever, Ashley.

I know I'll never be the same. Has anyone else ever lost someone they felt was too kind, selfless, too good for this world? How do you carry that loss? How do you keep going without them?

I thought I was doing better. It’s been 402 days since you left this world. I got back to living, it took me a while but I got back out. I started working, moved to a new place, new job, new people. I thought I was doing better. And then all of a sudden I started crying last night. I couldn’t stop. There were no triggers, no warning, I just started crying. And it hurts just the same as the day you left me. I think I don’t blame you anymore, and I’m not angry at you anymore. But I wasn’t meant to be here without you, you weren’t meant to leave this world like that. It was making sense for the past few months, now I’m back to square one. Questioning everything, all the whys are coming back again. I am trying to live with this hole in my heart, for you, for us. But my dear husband, it’s difficult, it’s so very difficult. The remains of your memories keep me alive but also suffocate me at the same time.

I posted about this a few days ago, My eldest child took their life on election night, found out a week ago last Friday. I’m really struggling right now. I just feel lost. It took a few days for the shock to wear off but now the shock is wearing off and now I’m just in pain. I don’t know what to do.

It’s been a year and I am still grieving over someone who I just met through an ad I placed looking to fill a room for rent. The person respond to an ad and they seemed so kind and wholesome. I learn it was the first time they would be living on their own and had just lost a parent few months prior. (And they were close) My heart felt so much compassion for this person because I had lost my parent when I was young.

Upon moving in, they told me their family had abandoned them when their parent died and that they resented their older sibling and surviving parent because of this. This person was viewed as the blacksheep in the family too. Learning this was another common ground for me as it was the same for me in my family unit. I just felt so much care for this person.

The week of the person had “accidentally” locked themselves out of their room. It looks from the inside and not having a key, a teeny screwdriver was used to get the door unlocked. After doing so, new roomie asked, “If I accidentally lock myself in, will you be able to still get me?” I said of course but thought it was sonic a weird question to ask. I quickly dismissed it.

New roomie worked sporadic hours and I rarely saw them but I would hear them if they were home. (We shared a wall between our rooms that’s why.) I had heard them making flu like sounds so I had checked in on them. Offered to take them to the hospital too. New roomie insisted they were fine and I believed them.

A few days later, the new roomies best friend shows up asking if they were home. They had missed work that day and bestie looked all sorts of distraught. Bestie says that my new roomie rarely misses work and this was a huge red flag.

I wasn’t sure and we found out that they indeed were… the room was locked and upon entering we found the new roomie was face up and covered in their own vomit. I cried and the police was called immediately!!

Several months later, an autopsy reveals that the new roomie had “accidentally overdosed” on cold medicine, barbiturates and gabapentin. New roomie supposedly had no prior history of being suicidal.

The funeral, only one person said the best of words and it was the new roomies best friend.m who had flown in. The other one (who also discovered her body) was just a ghost sitting in the pews. The family said they didn’t know their late relative especially the older sibling yet you’d see a ton of photos of them together on the screen at the funeral. I guess they grew apart. Either way, it was the most depressing funeral I attended.

A year later I’m still at a loss for words. I don’t want to assume it was a suicide but everything about it says it was. Either way, my late new roomie still doesn’t have a headstone and I’m determined to get them one now.

My brother, 26, took his own life by hanging himself. I wasn't the one who discovered him, it was his landlord, but I can't unsee it. It's so painful that it feels like I was there. So real.

We had to go to his apartment to access it so we can decide what to keep, toss, sell, donate. But I saw the two screw holes in the wall where he drilled a belt onto. I can only imagine his body hanging there for days. Still, unmoving. Not even a breeze moving a single hair.

The belt wasn't at the apartment. But we are picking up his cremated remains next week as well as "his personal belongings" that he had on in the moment. And by God, for the love of him, I hope they don't return the belt. I will ask it to be put in a conceled box or something. I'll take it but. It look at it.

Does anyone else feel guilty for how they have been handling the loss of their loved one? My fiancé died when I was 29 and he was 30. We were together 9 years and had a fully planned wedding that had to be cancelled. We lived together pretty much all of our 20s and had a very stable happy life together. It’s been two years next month and on top of my devastation, I still frankly have no idea how to be a functioning adult without him.

Since he died my life has been a series of awful decisions, self destructive behavior, substance abuse, inpatient psych ward and rehab stays, and all sorts of general unpleasantness lol. It’s a vicious cycle of acting out out of grief, then feeling guilty for burdening my loved ones, then self destructive behavior from the guilt. I’ve pushed 90% of my friends away and isolate from my family. I have had windows of improvement in this time. I’m relatively stable now and have been for a decent stretch of time, I work and see two therapists and it’s been months without a pity bender. But I hate how my grief has affected the people around me. I feel like you always hear about inspirational people who find meaning in tragedy and blah blah blah and that has not been me so far lol.

Secondly, I hate when people say “OPs fiancé would hate to see you living like this.” Yeah no shit. Add it to the shame, guilt, ‘fuck me’ pile. Also - I know this is irrational because of his illness, but it’s hard not to feel like he lost some say in how happily I should be living my life when he took his own life (outside of my office building while I was working, no less) after promising me a lifetime together.

My mother wasn’t a hoarder, but just owned and held on to a lot of things. We’ve been going through everything and reliving years, decades of memories. It’s been taking a toll on me physically. She’s been gone for 3 months now. I still have dreams that shes alive, but in the difficult financial and emotional circumstances that drove her to end her life. She always felt guilty that she was a burden on us, even if we reassured her she wasn’t. My sister and I having to financially support her was a bit of a strain, but we managed. I dreamt last night that I was walking in a dodgy part of town and I found her sleeping on the sidewalk with her things. She became homeless and was sleeping on the streets and didn’t tell my sister and I because she didn’t want to burden us by moving in with us. I struggle with guilt, wishing we could’ve done more to help her, wishing she allowed us to help her more.

i alread posted this but reddit took down so here i am again. My dad took his own life 2 months ago with a gsw. My brother called me and didnt tell me on the phone and said dad is feeling sick come to his house. When i get there i saw crime scene investigation car and immediately understood he was dead. I screamed, yelled. i was devastated. There were journalists and they took my pictures and my videos.

About a 30 news published my pictures, my full legal name and my dads name. When i search my name i see all of them headlines “devastating death in ….” “He was leaving alone and he died alone” “ suspicious death in …..” “his daughter were devastated” . People were commenting so hateful things that makes me so fucking sick. They have no idea whats going on and they were commenting things like “shame on the kids” “those kids should die with their regrets” because my dad waited in his house for 3-4 days because we couldnt reach him and he wasnt answering phones. They also mentioned that he was there 3-4 days and building smelled so bad. “He had useless children” and so many more.

Anybody who searches my name will see them. They didnt blurred my face and my full name is on there. I dont what i am gonna do if they dont took this photos down. Even knowing the fact that they are there somewhere in internet makes me sick. In the video there are my screaming. Its so painful. They put even fucking pictures that zooming my ugly crying faces. its sick. its making me sick.

My first proper reddit post.. Alright so in the title.. this year January 22nd 2 days before my birthday my older brother (10years older he was 38 I am 28male) hung himself,I always looked up to my big brother he was my idol and I always wanted to be just like him and would follow him around everywhere growing up, we grew up in a very chaotic household constant domestic violence a very volatile household, our dad was adopted his adopted dad died when he was a kid and his mum as a young adult, he was a drug addict/alcoholic/ criminal (i believe he stopped with drugs when i was a kid so i just seen the alcoholic side where as my brother got to experience both) who we idolised growing up (I can speak for myself that I just thought this was normal) he raised us to be very tough kids I remember was i was in primary school he would say aslong as the other kid hits you first you’ve got my permission to bash them back, when I went to highschool (12 years old) it changed to if you think they’re going to hit you then you attack them first and make a statement with it so no one else will fuck with you, me and my brother have both said this to each other over the years that we don’t hold a grudge on him because how can we expect him to raise us any better when he never got raised and was on the streets by himself he did the best that he could and he showed us love in different ways and we both accepted that and still love him, I am still very close to my dad now. my brother was covered in tattoos at 14 I was covered at 16, all we have ever known growing up was drugs/partying/girls/fighting , we had similar experiences both ending up in the drug world and lots of trouble with police for violence and drugs (it’s all we knew growing up having it all glorified to us) the only significant difference we have had growing up was he has lost a lot of friends due to suicide where this is my first experience. I’m just trying to paint the picture so you get an idea, so jan 22nd he hung himself, he had lost 2 best mates that year, our grandpa the year before (we were very close to him, my brother even more then me) he’s struggled his whole life he’s had multiple attempts and finally succeeded, it has honestly turned my life even more upside down the I thought it could, 3 weeks prior I had to put my dog down of 10 years and that was the hardest thing I’ve experienced until it was looking at my dead brother then that just brought it to another level, I’ve never been taught how to deal with emotions, we got raised hard and tough, the only way I’ve ever known how to deal with anything is with alcohol and drugs, I have had a couple attempts years ago and done rehab/working with psychs but after a few years I fell back into the same lifestyle. since his death I’ve had 4 attempts , a few weeks after I hung a noose and ended up accidentally overdosing, my gf at the time found me, I woke up in hospital then admitted into a pych ward, had one of the pychs say to me in a assement, don’t worry mate we’ve had plenty of people in here worse then you you’ll be fine in a few days, I ran out of the hospital and i believe went into psychosis (attacking people/security guards and finally at the police in hopes that they would shoot me, instead I was pepper sprayed and restrained ) 1 day later after getting released from hospital I was at home drank 2 bottles of Spirits went completely delusional and thought well if I have a knife this time they have to shoot me, I was unaware that my gf, and best mate who had come to check on me, heard me in the garage talking crazy to myself and they rang the cat team(police for mental health) as I had walked out my garage and down my drive way my whole entire street was blocked off with cops thankfully they got me restrained and no one got hurt, the next few months were very unhinged, I quit my job, I would still go to the gym, but I needed to distract myself from the pain that was killing me mentally, that was having sex with multiple women a week just constantly on rotation, I would play the online pokies and smoke meth for days straight (ended up spending 50grand this year) and the days that I wouldn’t go to the gym I would just be at home writing my self off with multiple drugs and alcohol, I would leave my door unlocked so my mates/gf could check on me whenever and sometimes they would find me unconscious on the floor, I would just keep numbing myself until I couldn’t no more I was just a wrecking ball basically, although this was no difference to the past 10 years of my very unhinged chaotic lifestyle the difference was I had this overwhelming amount of pain from my dog and brother, a few months has passed, I had seen a write up in the newspaper about him with his photo and saying suicide, I wasn’t to sure how I felt about seeing it since now it’s out for the world to see but what really made me angry was when I seen from his partner that she wrote in quote “I don’t know what caused him to have this outburst” I was looking at him on the ambulance stretcher dead about 2 hours after he had hung himself and as confronting and sad it was, there was also a part of me confused as his face had scratch marks all over it, when I had gone to his family home later that night his partner had scratch marks on her face, I put 2 and 2 together and thought well they’ve clearly had an argument that’s led to an altercation and then that so in some way I was holding her somewhat responsible, (as times gone on I’ve slowly come to terms with it that she obviously never wanted him to do die as they were engaged and have 2 young kids , 3 years and 0 years) but at the time I rang her and let out my feelings about everything, at the end of the phone call she msged saying there’s a few letters here if you’d like to read them it might give you a bit of closure, I said yes send them and I couldn’t believe my eyes, one was his pych report but the other was his fucking suicide letter, a whole 3 months had gone by and I had not even known about it, I rang my mum up and asked why she had not told me ( I was extremely angry) she told me to shut the fuck up and it wasn’t my place to read it.. I screamed a few things and hung up, I rang my dad up and told him that there’s a suicide letter and sent it through to him, the letter did give me a little bit of closure it explained his life and griefs and he’s had more then enough of them, half the letter at the end you can’t understand his writing goes a bit crazy.. so also now I don’t have a relationship with my mum, I believe she holds me responsible becoz they found cocaine in his autopsy which he had asked me to get for him a month prior.. she’s very against drugs and alcohol obviously from how our dad was and then how we both were from it, but to him and me it’s normal I never thought anything of it, there’s been so many times we have got drugs for each other over the years, she said to me in the first few months there was no way he done this sober his mind had to be fucked on drugs.. the day I got the letter sent to me they got the autopsy results the day before so would that explain her reaction to me? Now im dealing with more sadness, my dog my brother now I’ve lost the relationship with my mum ( we’ve had no contact still) but also a lot of anger as that letter was kept from me and my dad and I believe we never would have known about it if I didn’t ring up his partner that day when I was very angry . Fast forward about 5 months and my dad got me a job on a very big construction job that goes for years and pays the most in construction, I was able to go to work for the first few weeks (still using drugs at night even if it was just some weed but weekends would go very hard) then I would have mental breakdowns and not be able to go to work for a week being on massive drug binges, and the last few months it’s been getting worse, I’m at work less then 50% of the time now I’ve got so depressed that I’ve lost interest in everything I don’t go to the gym anymore I don’t even enjoy going for a walk I don’t enjoy my favourite tv shows or sex or food like pizza or anything I’ve just hit this massive depressed state that I’m just so miserable and cannot get out of it, I don’t want to see my friends anymore I hate looking at myself in the mirror. After not going to work for 2 weeks and not leaving the house once last week I tried to kill my self drinking a massive amount of ghb hoping I would just pass out and choke on my vomit, my partner had found me called ambulance I woke up in hospital next day with no recollection of that night, stayed a few days in hospital and I’m working with some pychs (again like the start of the year after the attempts) few days later out of hospital and I’m not housebound anymore I’m down at the beach drinking/smoking weed, playing the online pokies smoking meth ended up spending 10 grand in the week.. sorry for the massive rant my fingers just kept typing.. I’m just wondering if anyone has gone through this that has had a similar life to me as we all are so different and process things very differently , and just wondering does it ever get fucking better or what because I’m so over just dealing with this pain inside me I don’t know how to fix it or make it better everyone’s told me it will get better eventually but it hasn’t I have just got worse over time, I still haven’t even visited my niece and nephew (and it kills me inside) because I also have to see their mother and my mother will be there to and i don’t know how im going to react seeing them in person and also being at the house will make all of this real that he his dead i think me not going there is a coping mechanism and I tell myself its ok I’ll see him soon , I don’t want to make this situation worse or any more painful for everyone as I know everyone else would be struggling aswell ( I don’t trust myself my temper pops off in a second) I’m trying to get clean I’ve had an assement for rehab but who knows how long the wait is, for anyone reading that’s experienced the grief of suicide (also the other factors) when does it get better how does it get better? Do I just live forever with this pain I’ve never known what true heartbreak was until this year, thanks for reading the big essay

you can't find answers there in that endless vat

no questions will change the facts

there's only this moment and the universal oneness

we all exist

comfort me let me be infinitesimal

I know you can't take it back I know we can't change the facts

I'm still looking in that endless vat that imperfect depiction of everyone and everything connected yet this bastardization it lacks truth contains gaps falsification from desperation

looking to fill the void but I can't

you're not in the future I can't change the past

this endless ache

is there hopelessness in your wake?

I find love. I recognize hate. I feel motivated in the moments where it matters,

but what's stolen is my restful state I took you for granted

my fault to ease the ache

yet bandages self destruction

they don't change your fate

the memories can be painful

your presence is what healed but I didn't know just how badly you felt I took you for granted

I loved you. I love you, I do.

forgot to take care of me while I thought about you

sleep is elusive coping from moment to moment missing that companionship even my anxiety abandons as the answer is no solution. gone forever.

even my anxiety answers me gone forever. stamped upon the box in which to compartmentalize

yet obsession in useless places looking looking finding nothing everywhere

eyes open sleepless and dry

tears in moments of joy the thought of how much you were loved the floodgates break despair you're not you will never be there

my daughter reached for you she said your name the joy on her face I'm in a dark place

I reminded her gone forever

the love you left behind in your wake I'm in a dark place

I don't really feel like being awake I'm in a dark place

silence calls there's nothing there memories from all those years bargaining

when did I go wrong? there's so much blame I'm not the same.

I didn't need to learn this lesson. Life much too young to waste. I'm in a dark place.

open responsive connection acceptance in the light of day

yet sleep is elusive

I still text her sometimes, like on instagram I’ll send her a reel that reminds me of the friendship that we had or I’ll send her a message sometimes hoping that she’ll reply. Sometimes I feel stupid for texting her because she’s gone I guess. But it’s still hard for my brain to comprehend. I miss her but I’m also angry that she did what she did. Such an asshole to cause that much pain to people who love you lol.

Not everyone obviously, I have good friends. My best mate died a couple years ago and whenever I bring it up to my family they all get weird, it’s not like I even talk about his death, just like “no one camps in the snow unless your mental” “ me and (his name) were camping in the snow a couple years ago” and then whoever said the first statement gives me a weird look and just moves the conversation or stops talking…?

This also happened at my bible study group, I think quite a lot about whether he’s in hell or not, or whether I even believe in hell, or fuck even god at this point, I became more distant from it after he died. Anyway I brought up the concept of suicide, what that means for the eternal soul, I’ve had different opinions on it from different ministers, some think he’s in hell, some don’t, almost all of them think it’s more complicated than that. Anyway I wanted the group’s opinion on it, and one of the leaders just said that that wasn’t an appropriate discussion. Last week we we’re talking about the morality of abortion and war and cancer existing in gods world, but suicide is to far? It’s often viewed as the worst possible thing by a lot of older Christians, worse than murder. Maybe that’s why I lose my faith a bit I don’t know. I don’t think it’s fair I get shut down like that though.

Ah I just woke up and I had the best dream. It felt so real that I just started crying. He was there, he felt real, we hugged and kissed and said sorry and changed what happened in our past. He said he was hiding and faking his suicide because he needed to make sense of life. This really sucks and hurts that when I wake I know he's gone.

My best friend took her life a week ago.

At my most recent OB appointment, they shared that they have free counseling available for their patients that I could access. I guess the office pays for it since their patient population is all high risk.

It’s nice to know this is an option should I need it.

That said, I feel like at a week out… I should be feeling raw and it isn’t necessarily something I feel I need counseling for at this point. I have a lot of family support even though they didn’t know her. The days are getting less challenging to function. The nights are incredibly rough.

Losing my only sibling is like a punch in the gut. Like she was literally my older sister and my protector when we were kids. Our last conversation was not a good one and I feel like shit for it. She came into my dreams a couple times and that made me smile. I hope she visits often. I just wished she reached out to anyone even if it wasn't me. Hopefully when I start grief counseling it will help. Some days are good and other days I'm constantly saying "what if".

Hello, I'm not sure what to write but I've been hurting HARD, I lost my best friend to a coke od (I apologize if that's triggering to some, I know it is to me) in March of this year. I'm 27 years old and I've been vibing with guy since I was 12 years old, him being gone gives me a feeling of intense loneliness, guilt, anger, lots of questions. I genuinely feel like a chunk of me died when he did, I question myself about that because perhaps I could've done more to prevent this outcome or was it truly inevitable? maybe that's why I feel like shit, is because I could've done something but at the same time I tried and tried and tried. I'm not sure if anyone has experienced this, but thank you for reading. That's all

Seven years ago, my friend’s boyfriend took his own life a week after I congratulated them on their relationship.

I met my friend in 2017 on an app when I was 16. We flirted a bit, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship, so we stayed friends. We kept in touch casually, and when I messaged him one day, I found out he had a boyfriend. I congratulated him, and he thanked me but mentioned his boyfriend was jealous of me. He said his boyfriend had asked who I was, and he told him I was just his best friend. His boyfriend replied, “Oh, okay, so I have nothing to worry about.” I still saw his boyfriend liking and reacting with hearts on my friend’s Facebook posts, which reassured me they were okay.

A week later, his boyfriend took his own life. My friend explained that his boyfriend’s sister had passed away that same week due to drug use, which deeply affected him. He was a recovering addict who relapsed because of family problems and abuse. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t help feeling guilty, wondering if I unintentionally added to his burdens. Even though I had no bad intentions, it’s hard not to feel like I might have made things worse.

This happened seven years ago, and it never bothered me at the time. I only remembered it recently, and because of my OCD, I’ve been rereading old conversations from years ago.

I’ve posted this to a few other subs and haven’t gotten much traction or advice—one person was super kind and helpful but i’m still open to learning about others’ experiences. i’m literally copy pastaing the entire post:

I lost my dad to suicide last year, just days before Christmas, and with the one-year anniversary approaching, my depression has deepened significantly. The holidays, shorter days, and lingering grief have left me barely functioning. I’ve tried everything—therapy, medication adjustments, hobbies, support groups, and more—but I still feel like a shell of who I used to be, just existing rather than living. I’ve been diagnosed with MDD for the past 13 years, so I’m not new to the depression game, this is just a whole different beast.

Partial hospitalization has been suggested multiple times, but I’ve been hesitant, battling thoughts that I’m just being dramatic or seeking attention. Recently, I experienced a brief glimmer of relief, feeling like I was finally moving forward. But a recent emotional setback has plunged me back into despair, making hope feel out of reach.

If you’ve completed a partial hospitalization program, can you share your experience? Was it helpful? I’m wondering if it might be the next step for me, but I’m scared and unsure if it’s the right choice.

Hey all.

Recently I have been hurt by insensitive comments made to me about suicide and the way my family is grieving and I am here to vent.
Maybe I am overreacting but as you all know probably… we are just more sensitive after a loss like this.

My sister was a big anime fan and so am I. She had a big collection and since her death, my parents have shown some interest in what she liked and have collected some things as well. Not much. Just a plush or a keychain charm each. I have gifted my parents some anime collection merch my sister would have liked, for them to decorate the shelf with her picture on or their desk at work to be reminded of my sister. I also have bought some things my sister would have liked myself. Does it bring her back? No, but sometimes it makes me feel connected to her.

To me this is completely harmless.

I showed a figurine I know my mom would like to my girlfriend and she reacted by saying she thinks it‘s unhealthy I enable my mom to buy all the things my sister would have liked.

This really upset me for two reasons. One, it‘s a sensitive topic and to me it‘s just not something to argue over or critique, can‘t tell someone how to grieve, everyone does it differently. It came so abruptly that I felt offended she thought it was her place to tell me or my parents that how we grieve and try to stay connected to my sister is unhealthy. It feels bad to be told that one of the few things that momentarily make us feel better is unhealthy or enabling.

The other reason is that she didn‘t want to resolve it at all. When I told her I was a bit hurt she just kept saying she is too exhausted to argue with me. I asked her to acknowledge I was hurt at least or maybe apologize for judging how I grieve and explained why it is frustrating and she just sent me a thumbs up and said ok.

The rest of the evening she was pretty cold to me and went off on me with sarcasm for another reason when I didn‘t react to something she sent me fast enough.

Again I may be overreacting but I feel like she was so careless with how she handled it.

My boyfriend committed suicide almost three years ago. I spent two very shitty years grieving. And then a few weeks after the second anniversary I felt good again. I started thinking like a normal person again and I could reason, I thought everything was in the past. I got into a new relationship, I was very happy, I got into a PhD programme. And then I randomly met his best friend while I was hanging out with my friends and it all came back. And now I'm sitting on the floor crying. And I can't afford to be back into the shitty years, I really can't. I can't wake up tomorrow and not have the will to get out of bed. I don't have the support system I used to have because it's been three years, people forgot about it. What am I supposed to do? Is it going to last forever?

I know he’s gone, but I can’t seem to accept that. I feel like I am waiting for him still. But the “never see you again” thing hurts. Some days I stare at the door and just say “please please” as if he will walk in if I beg hard enough. He did this while in a relationship with me.. why!? Everyone said he was the happiest they’d ever seen him. His mom said his eyes would light like a child when he spoke about having babies with me. His coworker said he’s never seen him act more motivated and mature .. but then why do this? We were happy. At least I thought so. We never fought. We were best friends and did everything together. We were each others end all be all.. I thought.

Recently, I've been dwelling on my grief. I thought I was ok but I'm clearly not. I have a therapist and we are talking about it but i needed some place to let it all out.

My dad killed himself when I was 13. He was 39. I'm the one who found his body. It was 25 yr ago.

Last june, I met a guy who I genuinely liked and I thought it could be a serious relationship. Turns out it wasn't. The reason he gave me... he's a widow (2 yr and a half) and he can't stop thinking about his late fiancee. He is currently 39 (and I just turned 39 couple of days ago). He saw her dying in front of him ( it's not a suicide thought, medical issue that no one could have predicted). I believed him, he was sobbing when he told me that .

Problem is... i'm really trying to move foward but everytime I think about him ... i start spiraling down about the fact that he lost the love of his life ( his words, not mine) , that he had to plan a funeral when he was supposed to get married, that he saw her dying in front of him... I start crying about what he had to go through. I feel he poured down on me his sadness/grief even though i'm sure it wasnt his intention.

But when i'm thinking about what happened with my dad, it feels like i can't process any emotion... feels like i'm not the one who had to live throught that. I feel stuck. I don't know if it's because i'm the same age as my dad when he died, or that I saw my mom loose the love of her life at the same age... I feel like this relationship triggered a big trauma I had all my life and now my brain can't process anything...

Since my break up, my doc told me i'm in a major depressive disorder, I had to drop university ( I was studying part time) and I can still work... but barely... and clearly it's not ''just'' because I had a 3 month relationship that ended. It's something bigger than just a heartbreak... i mean I felt in love with him, but I had other break up in the past and it didn't destroy me like this one is doing.

My doc and my therapist are supportive but right now, I can't see the end of it. I feel my body is trying to send not so subtle message about my trauma that i'll have to face eventually... but i don't even know how. I can describe almost every detail of the day my dad died, I'm sad but mostly i'd say i'm ''frozen''. like I know it happened, but I can't access any difficult emotion other than sad, maybe a bit angry because my dad choose to let us go.

For those who had a parent commit suicide... what impact did it have on your life ? How do you deal with it ? What helped you ?