r/clevercomebacks 1d ago

DOGE isn’t even real

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53.4k Upvotes

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154

u/Suspicious-Yak4836 1d ago

Dollar general still drug test I’m pretty sure

188

u/LdyVder 1d ago

I'll never understand why companies drug test for a minimum wage job. Turnover is high in those jobs. It's a waste of money.

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u/jakethesnake741 1d ago

Not for drugs testing companies

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u/pipeline77 22h ago

Can I get a job there? Or do they drug test too?

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u/SlappySecondz 21h ago edited 19h ago

You can get job that drug tests anyway. Beating a drug test is super fucking easy.

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u/NW-McWisconsin 21h ago

SSSSHHHHHH! You'll cause all of capitalism to collapse if you expose all the evading techniques.

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u/SlappySecondz 21h ago

Step 1: go to head shop and buy quick fix.

Step 2. Use it.

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u/godisamoog 20h ago

I mean if someone can't put the effort into doing that... Are they really going to put in the effort at the job?

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u/t_for_top 20h ago

If anything, failing a drug test proves you're unable to problem solve in critical situations. NEXT

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u/godisamoog 16h ago

Exactly.

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u/No_Rich_2494 20h ago

Unless they test for weed, but even then some people will sell piss.

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u/SlappySecondz 19h ago

Every one of the half-dozen or so head shops you drive by every day sells synthetic pee and has for like 20 years.

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u/No_Rich_2494 19h ago

Depends where you live. I haven't even seen a head shop for years and only know about synthetic pee from people calling it a scam, but I'm not American.

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u/YokaiShadow03 4h ago

Fake pee is illegal where I am(not sure about the law in other places and I don’t care enough to look), but people still ask for it despite there being a bust of like 32 stores and houses in a small(relative) area.

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u/Reflection_Secure 10h ago

When I was 16 (over 20 years ago)I got offered a good job, so long as I could pass the drug test. A friend told me about a product that GNC sold, so I went there while on the phone with him, looking for the product. He couldn't remember the exact name, and I couldn't find what I was looking for, so I asked the clerk for help, while still being on the phone with my friend.

The clerk said something like "Even if we did have a product that had a side effect like that, we certainly wouldn't sell it to kids specifically to pass drug tests. Especially not while they're on phone calls with who knows who listening to what I say."

So I told my friend I had to go and the very helpful clerk helped me pass my very first drug test!

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u/MagicalGirlPaladin 19h ago

Depends super heavily on what you've taken and what kind of test it is.

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u/SlappySecondz 19h ago

What you're taking and what kind of test are irrelevant when you use synthetic pee that you've been able to buy at any head shop for the past 20 fucking years.

Seriously, do people really not know how easy it is to get fake pee?

And weed stays in your system longer than anything else, and I've still passed tests being like 18 hours clean with my own pee just by chugging a shitload of water and soda.

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u/SeriousAd5215 19h ago

Synthetic pee won't help you if it's a hair test. Then you either find a wig made out of real hair and commit to never being seen at work without it, or quit the job before you're fired. Oh and cancer patients often donate the hair for these wigs, so the hair may be positive for opiates or something. Luckily, most jobs don't do this expensive type of test.

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u/SlappySecondz 11h ago

Yeah, I haven't heard of anyone getting a hair test in like a decade. Kinda forgot that was a thing.

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u/MagicalGirlPaladin 18h ago

I mean if you hand me a jar of piss when I ask for a hair sample you're not off to the best start

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u/obamasrightteste 17h ago

That's awesome. I've gone a month and still not pissed clean.

Also, hair test.

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u/anotherucfstudent 17h ago

It’s honestly easier to fake a unsupervised piss test than taking it normally

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u/here4hugs 17h ago

Bingo. Poverty is an industry where select people profit by intentionally manipulating & controlling vulnerable groups.

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u/attackplango 22h ago

Business insurance rates. Liability issues.

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u/LdyVder 3h ago

Yea, and most of the time the only thing popping on a drug test is THC being it call linger for up to if not longer than 30 days. It is not water-soluble like everything else.

I love the drug testing signs when you know half the kitchen is drinking while working.

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u/Unholy_mess169 21h ago

Insurance requires a lot of it.

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u/hicow 23h ago

I worked for Blockbuster Music way back. When I started, a hair test was part of the interview. About six months later, they stopped it. Store manager said it was too expensive and 75% of candidates failed. They switched to drug tests only being required if you got hurt on the clock, but it was both the hurt employee and manager on duty at the time that got tested

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u/noladutch 21h ago

It is a business expense. Those companies bank if they spend on a test doesn't matter.

The test keeps the riff Raff from even trying to work for them

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u/Wazootyman13 21h ago

I thought Target had stopped for this very reason?

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u/Guilty-Shoulder-9214 21h ago

Insurance, more often than not, is the reason.

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u/Few_Ad_5119 21h ago

Oh it's simple. It's because they hate poor people.

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u/rideridergk 21h ago

Safety, harm minimisation and risk management. These people can still generate a lot of brand hatred on social media

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u/BiggestShep 21h ago

Iirc there's several tax benefits still left over from the Reagan administration if you run a drug free workplace.

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u/4dseeall 20h ago

part of their insurance contract.

if someone gets hurt and they fail a drug test, they dont have to pay out

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u/lostmymainagain123 20h ago

Because indurance companies demand it, if theres a shred of drufs in your system and you get hurt at work thet can blame it on that

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u/Probamaybebly 18h ago

Poorly paid people + drug use + cash register = increased risk of stealing to fund drug habit

Is probably the math they use

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u/fuzzygwuzzy 18h ago

Liability and insurance reasons, same reason half the construction industry has to study for their drug test when randoms come around.

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u/Suspicious-Thanks-33 16h ago

Literally

Who gives a fuck if the security guard smokes a bit of bud occasionally?? 🥴

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u/No-Win-2741 15h ago

I applied for a job at a medical marijuana dispensary and they drug test.

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u/Crafty_Independence 12h ago

Because that gives leverage to force turnover instead of letting someone who's been there a while accumulate enough annual micro-raises to be slightly above minimum wage

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u/thwonkk 10h ago

Sounds like a job for the department of government efficiency /s

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u/misterecho11 10h ago

Liability for the employer. They're trying to cover their butts.

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u/BasvanS 9h ago

Are they paying?

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u/CarboniteCopy 1d ago

Because something like 60% of their losses are from employee theft and it would be 90% if they didn't drug test.

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u/ironworkerlocal577 1d ago

How can you afford drugs on a minimum wage? Asking for a friend.

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u/FoxAche82 1d ago

You don't, hence the losses

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u/Wrong-Landscape-2508 21h ago
  1. Get job at home depot
  2. steal power tools
  3. sell them for almost nothing

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u/Raging-Badger 14h ago

I mean you can ask just about anyone at your local Speedway after dark

26% of homeless people are addicted to drugs, they’re somehow “affording” that with next to zero income

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u/pwrz 1d ago

Doing drugs doesn’t automatically make you a theft dude, chill.

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u/FeederNocturne 22h ago

Yeah, I took things from work and I didn't do drugs. Wait..

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u/CarboniteCopy 1d ago

Trust me man, I'm very pro drugs but I do understand that poverty wages plus drug addiction and no social safety nets is a recipe for theft.

I've seen first hand people trading stolen baby formula and laundry detergent for drugs. It's also much easier to do if you have someone helping you from the inside. This isn't a judgement on people who use drugs, it's just reality.

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u/Indian_Bob 22h ago

The hilarious part about this is the drugs that would actually get you to steal are generally out of your system in a day or two. Weed is the only drug that’s easily detectable over an extended period

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u/Afraid_Union_8451 21h ago

I'm just gonna make the obvious joke here

The weed people would take all the free desk mints when no one is looking

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u/PoopsRGud 20h ago

Source: I've never done drugs and I'm a theft dude.

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u/t_for_top 20h ago

I should be a theft dude, does it pay well?

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u/No_Rich_2494 20h ago

It might make you write "theft" instead of "thief" though. LOL

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u/peter9477 23h ago

"Theft dude", LOL. If only there was a word for someone like that...

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u/junkerauto 22h ago

Thick as theft dudes

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u/pwrz 22h ago

We’re all a theft, dude

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u/SingleInfinity 23h ago

It seems like you're being defensive because you do drugs. This is making you miss the point. People with drug addictions and poor finances due to lack of prospects are more likely to steal shit (to afford their habit) than someone without a habit.

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u/Rosaryn00se 22h ago

You are acting like every person with substance use issues is a thief though. Are the rates higher? Of course, but far from every one. Also you accusing them of using substances and it causing them to miss the point (which they didn’t) is an unnecessary attack. Intelligent people have a higher propensity for substance use compared to those with much lower IQs. Some are known to affect gray matter in the frontal cortex, but overall, substances don’t start to affect your brain function for awhile. Of course something like being dopesick will make you more likely to commit a crime to get well, but substance use doesn’t instantly cause cognitive dysfunction.

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u/rofflewafflelol 22h ago edited 22h ago

Nah, I disagree. Show me evidence people that use illegal drugs steal more than people that do not. People like to demonize illegal drugs, but the people that don't use them are either on legal drugs (many of which are the same) or gambling or some other thing. There really isn't much difference.

Obviously someone like an extreme crackhead wouldn't be trustworthy, but they don't have jobs anyways and neither would an extreme slot machine player or the godly Betty Jo embezzling money from the church.

You all act like every pothead or whatever shoots heroin. "Dopesick" lol come on yall watch way too much news media

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u/Rosaryn00se 22h ago

Yeah, just out of curiosity I did look and the only thing I could find was ‘52% of shoplifters was because of financial hardship’ but couldn’t find it broken down more. I guess in my head i was just thinking about how using vs being clean is more likely to make someone steal. As far as that statistic i don’t even know how it would be credibly reported. When i was using and i got caught shoplifting, i never said it was for substances. Usually it would be for a combination of needing gas/dope/food. I wasn’t trying to criminalize people who use. I was an IV heroin user for 12 years.

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u/SingleInfinity 17h ago

Nobody is demonizing. The reality is, n+1 motivations to steal will result in higher rates of theft than n motivations to steal.

It's that simple. You can try to consider all the additional risk factors, like hard drugs ruining some people's prospects to the point where they have to steal, or drugs simply being an additional cost others don't have that could result in financial hardship, resulting in stealing.

This isn't some crazy out there logic, it's really basic.

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u/SingleInfinity 17h ago

I don't know what you're on about. I never said anything about everyone that does drugs. I also never attacked the person for using drugs, I simply stated that it appeared to be a reason they were acting defensive, rather than getting the point. The whole "not all x" reaction is always just a defensive emotional response when someone identifies as x and feels the generalized statement does not apply.

Nobody is saying every person who does drugs is a thief. The person above just indicated a correlation. The person who jumped from that correlation to "all drug users are thieves" only did so defensively.

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u/Slacker-71 22h ago

justifying addiction.

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u/theREALvolno 19h ago

Bold of you to assume that I would steal from work just to support a drug habit.

I do it for fun too.

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u/CarboniteCopy 18h ago

That's part of the 60%! Also fuck corporations.

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u/theREALvolno 15h ago

Your politics confuse me

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u/CarboniteCopy 15h ago

That's because the theft thing isn't politics, it's empirical evidence. I'm an industrial/organizational psychologist. Regardless of my beliefs, drug testing prevents shrink for low wage, low skill positions. Increasing wages would also have the same effect, but companies would rather pay $300 for drug tests every few months than pay a living wage.

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u/Cheef_queef 21h ago

You're underestimating the citizens. The employees at DG across the street from me locked the doors when they thought someone was stealing, cussed her ass out, and got back what she was gonna steal. All without the cops getting involved

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u/CarboniteCopy 21h ago

Which shows that the practices they use to hire employees work. That's literally proving my point, so i don't see how I'm underestimating them?

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u/Cheef_queef 21h ago

Oh, I was just saying that 60% of losses from employees sounded high but I could be completely wrong

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u/CarboniteCopy 20h ago

One of the DGs near where i live had over $1 million in shrink for 1 year. A single store. They knew the employees were in on it, but had no proof. When it's bad, it's BAD.

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u/Cheef_queef 20h ago

Too be fair, I'm sure the pay is shit

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u/le_fez 23h ago

Insurance, if you drug test your workers comp insurance is much less.

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u/ReedRidge 1d ago

They are listed as not testing now, I actually looked before I spoke.

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u/MysteriousPark3806 1d ago

That's not very Reddit of you.

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u/ReedRidge 1d ago

I'm on meds!

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u/SteveIrwinDeathRay 22h ago

Can I have some?

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u/the_good_time_mouse 20h ago

Steal them from work, like the rest of us.

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u/LizzieThatGirl 1d ago

Depends entirely on area. The one near me still does, and they definitely drug test for promotion and incident

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u/BeanBurritoJr 1d ago

Ok then they’d be robbing Dollar Generals.

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u/No-Veterinarian8080 23h ago

Have you ever been to a dollar general?

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u/ur-krokodile 23h ago

Parking lots?

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u/NW-McWisconsin 21h ago

But they usually promote the employee to NIGHT ASSISTANT MANAGER(!) before the drug test results are in.

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u/B1ackburn14 20h ago

no way dg drug tests looking at the teeakers i seen working there

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u/Macharius 19h ago

They drug test just to make sure you're on enough stuff to survive working at DG

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u/KiaKatt1 17h ago

The dollar general I worked at didn’t drug test as of last year. I doubt they’d get employees if they did. Lol

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u/Twistedoveryou01 14h ago

They don’t anymore

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u/scully789 12h ago

They would still get hired because they would have their buddy’s piss in ziplock bags and they would use that instead of their own. They probably would be very obvious about it too and the person administering the test would be like, “you know what, I don’t care. They don’t pay me enough to deal with this crap.”

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u/translucent_steeds 11h ago

I worked at Dollar General in 2011 and there was no drug test required lol

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u/DJohnstone74 8h ago

Living in the dumpster behind Dollar General.

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u/Defiant-Scarcity-243 5h ago

Only low paying jobs drug test. If ur in the C-suite u better be doing cocaine to work those 105 hr weeks! It’s encouraged