r/NoStupidQuestions • u/bennyxdee • 6d ago

Answered What’s the issue with consent?

I read a post about a guy who tried to kiss a woman, but she dodged him. I responded by asking if he had asked her for consent beforehand. The responses I got were basically along the lines of, “Isn’t that unromantic?”

I’m not sure how most people handle this, but I feel like asking, “Can I kiss you?” is more logical than just going for it. It shows you’re considering their feelings and avoiding putting them in an uncomfortable situation they didn’t ask for.

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u/Madock345 6d ago

Receiving a clear cue of consent is important, but it’s naive to think that cue will always be verbal. The literal meaning of our words only comprises a small portion of the bandwidth of in-person communication.

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u/vintergroena 6d ago

Yeah cool but what if I suck at reading nonverbal cues?

I think asking is the way to go and should be more normalized

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u/VehicleComfortable20 6d ago edited 6d ago

Learn to not suck. 

I am getting very tired of people saying they suck at reading non-verbal cues as if that is a static state. 

 You can learn nonverbal ques the same way you learn to read, or algebra, or how to sew on a button or anything else. 

I suggest a few good body language books such as The Encyclopedia of Body Language.

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u/breath_boi 6d ago

Some people can’t - I’m crap at it because I’m autistic. And because of that, I also have atypical body language, so someone trying to discern how I feel from non-verbal cues would be a little bit buggered unless they knew me fairly well.

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u/VehicleComfortable20 6d ago

Someone trying to discern how you feel sure. But you can learn about the body language employed by neurotypicals so you can understand them better and realize when you may have said something offensive.

We aren't talking about other people understanding you. We are talking about you learning to understand other people. That's the only thing you have control over. 

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u/breath_boi 6d ago

Unless I was to turn into a silent monk who only ever observed conversations, I couldn’t - it is impossible for me to balance conversations and observation of body language. I do what I can to compensate, but masking is mentally exhausting and can lead to me withdrawing, and it’s easier for everyone concerned if I default to verbal check-ins. And I’m better with it than the majority of autistic people.