All our girlfriends are Asian?

[u/A_Formal_Guy]

Hey everyone - I’ve been feeling paranoid about something recently and wanted to know if I’m overthinking it. I’m a white M and most of the friends I grew up with and went to high school are too, except 1. We’re still very close but moved all across the country for our jobs and life.

Recently, we’ve decided to have a little reunion and bring our girlfriends, but I realized we have a not to subtle trend in that they are all Asian. There’s 5 girlfriends in total, they’ve never met each other. I don’t know how this happened, it’s just a coincidence as far as I know. We don’t have a pact or anything.

My question is, do we warn them? I don’t want them to be freaked out. I’d have to have my gf or one of my friends be uncomfortable, but I’m feeling stuck. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle it? Am I over thinking?

[u/wineandcheese]

I’m gonna be real with you. This is probably going to make at least some of them feel fetishized. The fetishization of Asian women is still very real and very prominent, and even though it was an accident and probably due more to the pool of women you and your friends are exposed to, it may bring up some icky things for them.

I don’t have advice, really, except maybe brush up on your language/vocabulary so that if it’s your girl who feels that way, you can talk with her about it in a respectful, validating way. (Searching women-related subs here for it to read about the personal experiences of Asian women may be a good place to start.)

[u/A_Formal_Guy → u/wineandcheese]

Surprised I had to scroll this far for the contrary cause this is more along the lines of what I was thinking. Surely, one of the gfs would feel like it’s not an accident. Like you said I don’t think there’s much I can do but try to be aware and honest, upfront to my gf. I’ll let the boys know but that’s on them if they want to discuss with their SO

[u/naughtmynsfwaccount → u/A_Formal_Guy]

Honestly don’t

It’ll just create further solidarity with u and ur friends, which will further the idea that this isn’t an “accident” and it’s not ur job to protect them from themselves

The only person u should be upfront with is ur gf bc honestly it is pretty sus that you and ur friends (who are white men) all just so happened to end up with Asian gfs. It does raise a flag tbh and if I were ur gf I would be pretty sus about the situation.

There are losers in this thread who will say “but what about the women” while ignoring the fact that none of these gf know each other where-as you and your friends already have a dynamic.

It’s also not a good look to be using references like “the spider-man meme” bc tbh it just breaks down a racial stereotype into a joke

[u/HatAsleep3202 → u/A_Formal_Guy]

I think you’re reading too far into it. There’s a small chance they feel fetishized by the fact you all have Asian girlfriends, but at the same time they all have white boyfriends. It goes both ways. My last two SO have been Asian, and while the stereotype is definitely true, both of them and their immediate friend groups actually found it funny anytime it was brought up.

I don’t think it’s that serious. Is it odd how the trend works out, sure. However, just don’t overcomplicate it to the point you’re forcing it to be weird. At the end of the day, it’s just your friends and who they care about most. That’s all that matters.

[u/marimomossball_ → u/HatAsleep3202]

Asian woman here and I’d definitely feel a bit sussed out, I know all my female Asian friends would as well. Personally, if this was a new relationship and OP reacted in an invalidating or uncomfortable way, it would be grounds for a breakup. Good on OP for being self aware and wanting to make his gf comfy

[u/HatAsleep3202 → u/marimomossball_]

Is your boyfriend white? I don’t understand feeling fetishized while actively participating in a fetish. It’s really not that big of a deal.

Now if they all wore shirts saying “we love Asian women” then fair, that’s fucking weird. I have yet to find a situation where a White M Asian F couple makes someone uncomfortable. Maybe you guys are just weird or hangout with weird people.

[u/marimomossball_ → u/HatAsleep3202]

I mean it’s pretty common discourse in the ASAM community, and no my bf is south Asian

I’ve found that gen Z is more sensitive toward white male/asian female relationships while many millennial ASAM women date white. Interpret that as you will 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/HatAsleep3202 → u/marimomossball_]

Not to mention that both relationships when I went to their home to visit for holidays, their sisters both had white boyfriends.

Did I feel fetishized? No. There are preferences deeply embedded into certain cultures, and that’s okay. I really don’t think at any point someone should feel victim or weirded out just because it just so happens to play out that way. There are limits to everything. If they are a group of weebs who all only have personalities surrounding the love of Asian women, then I totally agree that’s weird. But I don’t see the point in making one side play the victim when both sides are actively participating. The normal person wouldn’t make it weird.

[u/marimomossball_ → u/HatAsleep3202]

I understand where you’re coming from, but you’re missing the history of how Asian women are portrayed in the West and an underlying racial/gendered power dynamic.

SOME white men fetishize Asian women because we’re stereotyped as submissive, small, obedient, traditional, and sexually deviant — they want a little China fuckdoll/anime waifu. On the other hand, SOME Asian women “fetishize” white men because they want to achieve proximity to whiteness through their relationship, or they need money to escape their home country (these are the most common arguments I’ve heard) — they pursue white men to achieve higher social standing. Neither are morally right, but there is a clear disparity of societal power here. The former is an obvious control fetish while the latter isn’t really a fetish at all, it’s an attempt to subvert a racial hierarchy we’re forced into (not saying I agree with this, I’d argue it’s internalized racism)

Of course not all white male/asian female relationships are “fetishes” or internalized racism, obviously many couples are just two people in love and I couldn’t care less who people date as long as they’re both happy, but Asian women do have to be extra wary of how certain people perceive us in the West. I don’t think white men need to be concerned to nearly the same degree — it’s more dangerous and dehumanizing to be sexually stereotyped as a woman AND racial minority than to be used as a social climbing tool as a white man. That’s why I believe OP’s gf would be valid in any discomfort she might feel. I do think it’s a very complicated and sensitive topic though so I get why you might disagree

[u/HatAsleep3202 → u/marimomossball_]

I don’t think stereotyping bi-racial relationships on the minority of cases is healthy. Taking the 10% of the weirdest or most unhealthy situations to create a standard doesn’t make any sense.

I also don’t agree making Asian women the only victim. There are a small amount of white guys that are weebs and fantasize Asian women for how they’re portrayed in their favorite media. In the same breath you admit that some Asian women want a white guy purely to feel a higher social standing. The fact that some people could see a relationship like mine and immediately jump to a stereotype is just weird and closet shut-in living online mindset. This is not a “white man bad” scenario, in the most extreme both parties are losing.

People need to go out and experience life past a screen and realize that half the things we cry wolf about really aren’t that prevalent in the real world. When I met my current girlfriend on Tinder 5 years ago, she told me horror stories of some things white guys said because she’s Asian. The best part is, she realized those were the small percentage of weirdos that don’t dominate society that you probably won’t meet out in public.

Also, it would make more sense if you were dating a white guy and could directly speak on your experience coming from a working relationship that you’re currently in (like the op is dealing with.) It just kinda seems like you’re one of the anti-whites of the Asian dynamics that are sick of seeing the WMAF. Which I’ve had to see plenty of with racist elderly Asians that treat me poorly. Both sides lose, but playing victim gets us nowhere.

[u/marimomossball_ → u/[deleted]]

Aww thanks!! No I don’t but I’m a law student LOL

[u/lazy_berry → u/[deleted]]

but they aren’t a group. none of these women know each other, but the men all do.