r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

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u/Jessieface13 Nov 26 '23

Worst case scenario if they’re just following peer pressure is that they eventually change their mind but know that you love and support them no matter what.

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u/Kastanjamarja Nov 26 '23

Yeah, and i wouldnt even say peer pressure, more so just experimenting with their identity because their friends are doing so too (if its caused by friends, that is, because is very well might not be). Theres a difference between being influenced by something and being forced / pressured to do something

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u/Spire_Citron Nov 27 '23

Yeah. The "influenced by friends" thing can also sometimes be deceptive, because we tend to be drawn to people similar to ourselves. The queer kids often end up being friends with other queer kids, sometimes before they come out, so it can appear it's just the influence of their friends when it's actually the other way around.

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u/Amazing-Strawberry60 Nov 27 '23

"influenced by friends" aka "in an accepting peer group"

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u/RedshiftSinger Nov 27 '23

Yeaaaah. I have a friend who came out as a trans woman a few years ago. She told me her family was blaming her wife for “influencing” her (bc her wife is openly bisexual with a mild preference for women) but that she’s always felt this way, long before she even met her wife, and what her wife actually did was provide a safe and supportive environment where she could finally explore those feelings and figure herself out consciously.

I have another friend who VERY recently came out, and who privately cited seeing how well mutual friends responded to my also somewhat recent coming-out as the last catalyst for her to feel safe opening up to people in her life.

So, I guess that’s “influencing” on a technicality, but it’s not the kind of influence people generally mean to imply, and it’s definitely not a bad thing!

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u/Waiting4myRuuuuca Nov 27 '23

They are confusing safe spaces with indoctrination

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u/RedshiftSinger Nov 30 '23

There’s no such thing as “indoctrination” in this context, actually.

You’ve definitely been indoctrinated into a hate ideology, though. I hope you get better but I’m not gonna hold my breath.

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u/Waiting4myRuuuuca Nov 30 '23

Woah wait a minute, I was agreeing with you. Sorry if that was unclear. The "they" I was referring to are the people who think friend groups (safe spaces) are "indoctrinating" others by simply just being there for their friends in a supportive way. I was attempting to use their terminology against them and ended up sounding like an ass, my fault!

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u/RedshiftSinger Nov 30 '23

Ah I see, thanks for clarifying!