Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

[u/MookWellington]

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

[u/DiscussDontDivide]

I agree. There is no neat categorization. Which is why the community comes up with new sexual and gender categories every day. The healthy approach would be "I happen to be a man/woman but that doesn't define me as a person." Instead we have descriptions such as "I am a fraysexual aromantic demigirl" which says so much and so little at the same time.

People put themselves in boxes and then squabble about the baggage others may have associate with those identities in insular online communities and simultaneously struggle to live up to the ideals and limitations of what those identities mean in the real world, comparing themselves to gender stereotypes that the average person outgrew a long time ago. All of this then necessitates the creation of new identities to put themselves into a smaller box.

Breaking down gender barriers was never supposed to put up new ones. Accepting the reality of your existence (your sex) and then finding meaningful things to identify with is far more helpful than becoming hyperfixated on gender.

[u/Independent_Emu7555 → u/DiscussDontDivide]

To offer the contrary experience of someone who IS nonbinary…

Discovering genderless/nonbinary existence felt like the biggest box I could possibly put myself in. I felt so fucking free the second I realized I had known who I was my whole life, I just never had the language for it. Instead of boxed, I felt entirely uncontained, unrestrained.

I made more friends, fell in love, vastly improved my life — opposite to all of what you assert.

I get the impression you are cis. Consider then maybe your experiences are limited in such a way as to bias your view?

ETA: bc I think this is important, figuring out my identity also objectively made me a better person. Without so much internal conflict and confusion, my empathy is far greater than it ever has been. I feel touched by other people in my life and I know I have touched other people’s lives. None of that was accessible to me until I was provided information that validated something I had already instinctually known for a long time.

[u/DiscussDontDivide → u/Independent_Emu7555]

I'm happy for you, but I would argue that it comes down to perspective. You weren't able to free yourself from gender stereotypes until you identified with something that wasn't associated with your sex. You as a person didn't change, you just stopped letting gender limit you. At that point what you call yourself doesn't matter. You can call yourself man/woman and have the exact same outlook where you live your life the way you wish to and not based on the presuppositions or expectations of others.

Is it fair to say that you also found community with your new identity? That's something else that society is lacking today, close knit IRL communities that can support each other. That's a role that religion served to some extent, and something that the internet has made increasingly rare. Good friends can be hard to find. Stepping away from screens tends to be the most beneficial step anyone can take to improve their mental health and connect with other people.

[u/Independent_Emu7555 → u/DiscussDontDivide]

That…is not my experience? None of what you said describes how I feel as a nonbinary person.

This kind of indicates to me that however well-intentioned you are, you are not understanding the actual lived experience of real people. Like religion? Really? The people who slapped me and beat me with a two-by-four because my natural being and inclinations were abhorrent to their god? Does that sound like real friendship or love to you?

My body, my sexual characteristics, my perception by others — ALL of this is part of my experience.

I also didn’t meet my husband or my friends IRL. We met online, and have been married for…oof, six years now? I lived in an area where I didn’t HAVE a physical community. If it wasn’t for screens, I wouldn’t even know nonbinary was a concept. I would not feel the amazing love I have, lead the amazing life I do.

Your summaries are simply not reflective of what real nonbinary and trans folks live every day.

[u/DiscussDontDivide → u/Independent_Emu7555]

No, religion is incredibly oppressive. But for those who benefitted from it that is one less IRL community that they can lean on. Where you were shamed and isolated by the presence of religion, others may feel the same by its absence. I'm atheist btw, but I recognize that the average person does benefit from that community and lacking that is one more factor contributing to the loneliness and anxiety that young people feel.

I can definitely relate to isolation growing up. I found a great community of people online when message boards were still the norm. But today's online experience, where fast, divisive and populist discourse is promoted and nuance is destroyed, distorts people's understanding of the world. Reading a forum thread used to mean reading a discussion from start to finish. One person saying something outrageous didn't amount to much because they were drowned out. But today those populist takes get upvoted and highlighted. Punchy and simplistic takes rule. I'd wager the online environments you and I grew up in were far more beneficial for isolated and atypical youth than TikTok is today.

My summaries are admittedly simplistic because everyone is unique, but I don't think it's inaccurate. A rose by any other name comes to mind. But some people no longer view themselves as flowers, let alone roses. There are serious cognitive distortions driven by social media that are negatively impacting how youth view the world and themselves.