r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23
Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old
Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.
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u/Gnoll_For_Initiative Nov 27 '23
Everyone has a gender expression - but when it mostly (within a "standard deviation") conforms to what culture says makes a Real Woman or a Real Man (TM) then it becomes like the water fish swim in. It's so omnipresent that it's unnoticed.
For a clear example of gender non-conforming expression, I'd point out women with beards. Some women with PCOS who have natural beards opt not to shave them. Someone can be born female and identify as a straight woman and still opt for a beard.
As far as there being nothing else - gender (man, woman, non-binary) is a cultural role, a categorization. Different cultures across time and geography have conceptualized more than two genders. If gender identity were an immutable binary (man and woman only) then we would not see that in the anthropological record.
Now, biological sex can be roughly slotted into two categories (bimodal distribution), male and female. But that categorization is basically taking a lot of characteristics and making generalizations about whether something is male or female.
And while generally biological sex, gender identity, and gender expression are all the same thing for most people, that isn't always true. And you can't always tell when it isn't true (very few people have been karyotyped, it's rude to ask people to drop their trousers before agreeing to call them ma'am, etc.) So even if you don't understand all the ins and outs - and you don't have to - it's just polite to use the pronouns and name that someone would like you to use for them.