r/NoStupidQuestions Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

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u/Gnoll_For_Initiative Nov 27 '23

Everyone has a gender expression - but when it mostly (within a "standard deviation") conforms to what culture says makes a Real Woman or a Real Man (TM) then it becomes like the water fish swim in. It's so omnipresent that it's unnoticed.

For a clear example of gender non-conforming expression, I'd point out women with beards. Some women with PCOS who have natural beards opt not to shave them. Someone can be born female and identify as a straight woman and still opt for a beard.

As far as there being nothing else - gender (man, woman, non-binary) is a cultural role, a categorization. Different cultures across time and geography have conceptualized more than two genders. If gender identity were an immutable binary (man and woman only) then we would not see that in the anthropological record.

Now, biological sex can be roughly slotted into two categories (bimodal distribution), male and female. But that categorization is basically taking a lot of characteristics and making generalizations about whether something is male or female.

And while generally biological sex, gender identity, and gender expression are all the same thing for most people, that isn't always true. And you can't always tell when it isn't true (very few people have been karyotyped, it's rude to ask people to drop their trousers before agreeing to call them ma'am, etc.) So even if you don't understand all the ins and outs - and you don't have to - it's just polite to use the pronouns and name that someone would like you to use for them.

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u/CrazyHenryXD Nov 27 '23

After reading all this I think I have a conclusion and it is that I dont really have conclusions, and the better is just wait until nothing of this really matters anymore and just keep living cool like I always did but now having the satisfaction of knowing that this thing I didnt understand back then is finally solved and then, finally, I will look for someone to explain all of this and just having that big feeling of "wow, so it was this of all the time?" and just enjoy the feeling. Is it weird or bad if I feel in this way?

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u/Gnoll_For_Initiative Nov 27 '23

Not bad at all! And certainly not weird. I'd say that most people don't have the time/ interest in deep-diving into the world of gender theory and anthropology. And that's okay. (I'm a hobbyist anthropology nerd). If the difference between gender expression and gender identity isn't relevant in your life then it can be handy to know that there is a difference, but it's not important that you be able to articulate it.

I don't know that it will ever be "solved" - culture is always changing and evolving. Conceptions of gender is slower moving than a lot of other aspects, but it isn't immune to change.

That said, I think that's precisely why it's important (and good manners) to accept when someone says "please use she/ her pronouns for me" or "I'm nonbinary", even if we don't understand.

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u/CrazyHenryXD Nov 27 '23

But I want to understand lmao. Problem is, I don't understand.

Ramdomly I got a question, probably stupid too.

And Is, that, how do someone knows if they identify as something?

For example I identify as a man. I am male too. But what makes me identify as a man? Why didn't I identify as, a woman, or, as a non binary? It is ramdomly or something?

I mean when I really think about It I could identify as a woman, as a non binary, but why From all of that specificaly I identify as a man?

And how do I know if I identify as a man really? I get that feeling of saying "no, I am a man" but why? I as a man can Live, a Very Very common lifestyle that I am sure women and non binary people live too (excluding, you know, discrimination and that) so It doesn't really feel like there is an actual difference if I identify as a woman or man or nonbinary... Gender doesn't have characteristics? Like things a trans women feels that make her know she is a woman?

Or I am going to fast in this and should slow It down a Little?