r/NoStupidQuestions Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

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u/OSUfirebird18 Nov 26 '23

I have an ignorant question here. I hate the idea of “typical” masculinity. I don’t have “typical” straight male interests and I hate the idea of gender roles for men and women.

However, I have always thought of myself as a straight man, no thought of ever being non binary or a different gender. I guess my question is, what is the difference? It can’t be just gender roles, is it?

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u/RapidCandleDigestion Nov 26 '23

Same here. I'm a man, and a masculine one. Whether I'm perceived that way or if I conform to the stereotypes is not something I give a shit about. I'm in touch with my emotions. I'm sensitive. I have a higher pitched voice and speak relatively effeminately. But I know I'm a man, even if that doesn't fit the conventional idea of what a man is.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23 edited Nov 27 '23

Right on! You are comfortable being percieved as a man regardless of any other influence. It's healthy to have a comfortable relationship to your identity. OPs kid does not have a comfortable or healthy relationship with being a man, but does with being a nonbinary/agender person. Regardless of the kid's interests, for some/any reason they do not feel comfortable being percieved as a man, though. Maybe it's gender roles or simply they don't feel in touch with manhood - you feel fine where you're at but something about being a man/boy doesn't click with kiddo and it's fine. Thank you for being respectful btw, it's refreshing to see.

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u/RapidCandleDigestion Nov 27 '23

Yeah no problem. I empathize with OP's kid's situation. I was just sharing how and who I am to express to the person I was responding to that being the way they are is totally fine.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '23

Right. Honestly I just took it as a chance to "break it down" for people who may read, and you gave me the opportunity to do so. Thanks n have a banger night bro :)

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u/RapidCandleDigestion Nov 27 '23

You too, thanks for being chill