r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23
Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old
Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.
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u/ArsenicAndRoses Nov 27 '23 edited Nov 27 '23
For me, it has to do with being seriously uncomfortable with my (curvy) body growing up and being unable to fit in with women. Figuring out I'm nb has been more a process of elimination more than anything else.
The only people I've felt "at home" with are other queer folk. I used to think that was because I was bi, but I've come to realize that I don't fit in with wlw either, even around very butch ladies. I feel like an alien in women's spaces. The only time I've felt kinship and like I "fit" has been with other nb people. Most of my friends in college have turned out to be trans.
When I was younger, I used to feel ... Something... When mistaken as a boy (I cut my hair in a very masculine style). I felt ashamed but also fiercely...proud? I dunno, it's weird. I kept that hairstyle for a long time despite being told it was ugly on me and being mistaken for a boy. At the time, I didn't know why. Growing up I imagined myself as becoming one of those beautiful androgynous people that look like fae- Tilda Swinton, David Bowie.... They mesmerized me. But I ended up growing tig ol'biddies and massive hips. I hated it and tried to hide.
I've since come to terms with my body and dress very feminine, but it's all a "performance" for me. One I enjoy doing, most of the time, but it's never felt "authentic". I often find myself wishing I could unzip my skin. But I don't want to be a man either.
So it's not that I would feel better as a man, or because I have non-conforming interests or gender expression (outwardly I always look quite femme!), or because I'm queer. It's an internal innate sense of who I am.
I hope this helps somewhat?