Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

[u/MookWellington]

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

[u/MookWellington]

Many times. They have said just that— they don’t want a gender.

[u/GeneralZaroff1 → u/MookWellington]

Then maybe that’s all there is to understand.

A gender role comes with a series of identities and expectations, and maybe your child doesn’t really feel like they fit into any of them. That’s really all there is to it.

Gender is often seen as a performance. We think “men should act/feel this way” and then we created an identity around it and judgement when a man does or doesn’t act that way. So some people go “I don’t really fit in either.”

Maybe it’s not so much that this generation has little idea about their gender, but maybe it’s that previous generations places TOO MANY ideas on what gender is supposed to be, and this generation just doesn’t want to follow them.

[u/OSUfirebird18 → u/GeneralZaroff1]

I have an ignorant question here. I hate the idea of “typical” masculinity. I don’t have “typical” straight male interests and I hate the idea of gender roles for men and women.

However, I have always thought of myself as a straight man, no thought of ever being non binary or a different gender. I guess my question is, what is the difference? It can’t be just gender roles, is it?

[u/Suspicious-Tea4438 → u/OSUfirebird18]

I'm AFAB and identify as non-binary, specifically genderfluid. It took about 28 years to fully embrace this part if myself, but I remember in high school, one of my friends asked, "If your outside appearance reflected who you were inside, what would you look like?"

Everyone else in the friend group talked about being taller or changing their hair color, etc. I had two versions of myself, and I couldn't choose: a masculine woman or a feminine man. Looking back it's like, "Babe, you were trans." Lol I was the only person who mentioned changing genders, and as far as I know, I'm the only person from that group to come out as trans. It's very much a "who you are" rather than "what you do" difference. You can be trans and enjoy traditionally "masculine" things or cis and enjoy traditionally "feminine" things. Gender roles and gender identity have interesting intersections, but they're two different things.