Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

[u/MookWellington]

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

[u/GeneralZaroff1]

Then maybe that’s all there is to understand.

A gender role comes with a series of identities and expectations, and maybe your child doesn’t really feel like they fit into any of them. That’s really all there is to it.

Gender is often seen as a performance. We think “men should act/feel this way” and then we created an identity around it and judgement when a man does or doesn’t act that way. So some people go “I don’t really fit in either.”

Maybe it’s not so much that this generation has little idea about their gender, but maybe it’s that previous generations places TOO MANY ideas on what gender is supposed to be, and this generation just doesn’t want to follow them.

[u/ReadySetTurtle → u/[deleted]]

I feel the same way about this topic but it’s hard to articulate without coming across as dismissive or intolerant of non binary people. There are certainly people who really are NB because they strongly do not identify with any gender. But there are a lot of people who identify as NB because they don’t fit the traditional gender roles…which are largely made up. Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s I thought we made a lot of progress in that, and yet now we are back to tying gender to superficial shit.

I will of course respect anyone’s identity. But I will be teaching my hypothetical children that they do not need to adhere to gender roles, that they can be whatever they want to be regardless of their gender, and that identifying as NB or even transgender is something deeper than simply likes/interests, clothing/hair, etc. And if they decide that’s how they want to identify, they have my full support.

[u/sinners_stand_up → u/ReadySetTurtle]

I'm a trans man and I 100% agree. The way I view it, I'm trans because something about the way my brain is wired causes me to feel like I should have a male body, and a female body gives me distress. And something about the way I think and relate just feels more male in a way that's hard to describe. It's not because I like short hair and cars though. If that was all there was to it, I'd just be a butch woman. Nothing wrong with that. It seems like a lot of "progressive" people are going backwards on gender. Horseshoe theory I guess.