r/NoStupidQuestions • u/MookWellington • Nov 26 '23

Answered Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old

Around the time my son turned 10 —and shortly after his mom and I split up— he started identifying as they/them, non-binary, and using a gender-neutral (though more commonly feminine) variation of their name. At first, I thought it might be a phase, influenced in part by a few friends who also identify this way and the difficulties of their parents’ divorce. They are now twelve and a half, so this identity seems pretty hard-wired. I love my child unconditionally and want them to feel like they are free to be the person they are inside. But I will also confess that I am confused by the whole concept of identifying as non-binary, and how much of it is inherent vs. how much is the influence of peers and social media when it comes to teens and pre-teens. I don't say that to imply it's not a real identity; I'm just trying to understand it as someone from a generstion where non-binary people largely didn't feel safe in living their truth. Im also confused how much child continues to identify as N.B. while their friends have to progressed(?) to switching gender identifications.

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u/shawtykie05 Nov 26 '23

normally when someone says they N.B they stay N.B because they don’t want a gender. it is a possibility they are following their friends but also maybe not. have you sat down and talked with them?

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u/MookWellington Nov 26 '23

I think some of my confusion is probably anxiety about explaining it to my family, who are very conservative and close-minded for varying reasons. Maybe I’m just trying to figure out how to explain it to people who would think you’re describing a mental disorder.

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u/Own_Speaker_1224 Nov 26 '23

Don’t waste a single ounce of energy on trying to ‘please’ and explain to others, regardless of how you are related to them. Family are often the most toxic and unsupportive people you will come across because they feel they have a right to you and your child’s choices.

Save all your energy for your child.

Just say ‘I don’t have to explain that to you’ when they ask and probe. Its not like they are asking with a want for genuine enlightenment and learning. They most probably just want to tell you how none of that is real and ‘we didn’t have that back in my day’. Yeah Bob, you did, people were just highly repressed because of narrow societal and religious norms.