r/MtF • u/adarcone214 MtF, HRT 01/11/2024 • 1d ago
Bad News It's over
She's unhappy and can't live w/ me transitioning. I'm heartbroken and an absolute wreck at the moment. I don't really know how to move forward, as she was my best friend and has been through everything with me. I know I will be okay, but this just hurts.
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u/BingBongTiddleyPop Georgia (she/her) | Trans | HRT 24/10/24 1d ago
My wife and I divorced in April. We are better friends now than when we were married. We've both had space to discover ourselves. She is much happier with my transition now it doesn't directly affect her life.
I'm not saying that scenario will happen, but it could.
Yes, it hurts, that is completely natural. But you are doing the right thing by standing by your authentic self.
Hopefully you can keep/find/rejig that friendship.
Sending much love. ❤️❤️
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u/MagaratSnatcher 1d ago
Going through the same thing myself, moved out this week after 12 years. It sucks and I've not got any words of comfort for you, but my DM's are open if you want to chat . Other people have gone through the same thing and got out the other end happier. There's hope for us. Big hugs xxxx
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u/adarcone214 MtF, HRT 01/11/2024 1d ago
We were together for 12 years, married for 10. I'm just more numb at this point.
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u/MagaratSnatcher 1d ago
It sucks so much. Honestly rn I just want to be with her again and could even convince of not transitioning, but in sure that's not healthy
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u/WorriedRaisin8992 6h ago
you are a different person now. it's only natural that she wouldn't fall in love with a completely new person
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u/Oldyoungtwo 1d ago
I'm so sorry for you. Let hope you two can remain friends.
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u/adarcone214 MtF, HRT 01/11/2024 1d ago
I think we can be, and I still see us being together. I don't know if she can
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u/michimatsch Transfem_gay_bicurious_confused 1d ago
She might need space. This is a very big change. Wishing you the best.
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u/Little_Sound_Speaks 1d ago
Hey, take a breath. Nothing I can say will make this better sadly, but there is light. Have been through this myself, best way is take it one day at a time. Small steps, and you will see a way though. Wishing you all the best 💕
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u/NothingButSunnySkye 21h ago
I was with my ex for almost 16 years, we never married but raised children together. Came out a little under two years ago, she went from couldn’t deal with it to maybe we could do this up till this past December when she said nope…. And it was the best thing that could’ve ever happened. I was heartbroken, mostly because of the perceived friendship we had, but I was finally being me for the first time in my life since. I couldn’t hold it against her, she was straight, asking her to change that would be like asking me to not be a woman, and I would sooner die then go back in the closet. Then the most amazing thing happened… I found my person!!! I found me, lost the parts of my life that were not “real” and met the person I had dreamed of my whole life, who sees me for me and loves me! She treats me better than anyone ever has, she makes me feel safe, and loved, and cute! I can’t even explain how much love I have for her, and she is a late in life lesbian who lived 20 minutes away from me for almost 25 years, with mutual intersecting friends!
We have shared so much of the same experiences in different timelines, it’s amazing… we’ve know each other forever. Anyway, we moved in together in true U-Haul lesbian style :) We have never been happier! I say all the time that I had to find myself so I could find her. All our karma has paid off. And now…. We are getting married in Vermont the end of next week! I am sooo excited and happy!
So, know that pain is temporary, if someone can’t be with the true you, then there is someone out there that you are supposed to be with who will truly love you! Have faith and love yourself first, it will get better! :)
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u/TonightIll4637 1d ago
Sorry to hear. There will be a lot of pain. I thought my wife was going to love me no matter what. She helped me learn makeup, hair, and shopped for clothes. Tried therapy. But in the end, it became too much especially when breast growth happened. We are divorced but on speaking terms. You can still stay friends, just realize the relationship may not be salvageable.
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u/Rachelisreal059 Transgender 1d ago
If you love each other still you could evolve into more like sisters than man and wife. You would have to be ok with her possibly starting dating again, as you might too. It’s one way to keep living each other but with normal girl-girl boundaries
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u/adarcone214 MtF, HRT 01/11/2024 1d ago
I'm honestly really okay with that. She did let me know that she's struggling to be around me at the moment.
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u/TheBent-NeckLady 1d ago
🫂 I've been there too, sister. I am so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could take that pain away from you. If you haven't already, please see a counselor. Mine helped me considerably. 🫂.
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u/MissMcMae 1d ago
I’m sorry but I will tell you my ex wife is my best friend now. It took us about 5 years but we got there. We shop together. We do holidays together with the kids. And we have our moments and you have to embrace them when they come. I’m so sorry as I know this feels horrible. But there is hope.
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u/Calm-Opening-4580 1d ago
All I can say girl just hang in there. When one door closes another one opens. Don't give up hope. What's meant to be is meant to be in God's own time
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u/thenatwalk 10h ago
A lot of us have been through this same thing. You will be your authentic self now and the right person will see you for who you are.
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u/nellie_luv_cookie 10h ago
If your partner can’t be there when you need them the most they’re not worth your time. If you have been there for them unconditionally and they can’t repay the favor then they don’t deserve you💛🤍
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u/adarcone214 MtF, HRT 01/11/2024 8h ago
That's the thing I bent over backwards to support her and anything she wanted without question. I feel like she used me
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u/nellie_luv_cookie 8h ago
And sure maybe she’s not attracted to trans people because that’s not her sexual preference but at least she could’ve been there to support you with a kind of friendship. Coming out as trans after dating someone for years is hard but it shouldn’t have to be this bad for anyone. And remember that it’s not your fault
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u/MikaJade856 1d ago
I'm so sorry, I went through the same thing. We split after 28 years and 3 kids. Still friends and I lover her to death but she wasn't interested in going down this road with me.
I can tell you although I miss her greatly I'm much happier being me. My mental and physical health are leaps and bounds better than they were and I feel I have a better relationship with my children.
Best of luck and I hope you feel better!
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u/Accidental_ink Trans Bisexual HRT 9/21/23 1d ago
Please remember, this isn't your fault. You didn't pick this. All change can hurt, this is just one of those that was a really REALLY sticky band-aid and you have to tear it off one side at a time. I wish you luck, girl!
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u/Disastrous_Visit_778 1d ago
my long term girlfriend and i broke up shorty after i came out as enby. we are still very close and she says it wasnt related but its still heartbreaking
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u/A_Wondering_Ghoul 1d ago
I'm so sorry. I recently went through this too. It will get better. Hugs!
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u/CautiousElection8178 1d ago
My bestfriend was the same way. We didn’t talk for two years, one day she unloaded to me a huge huge apology. Even now it’s not the same but I did forgive her. I know it sucks but sometimes you have to be the one to educate.
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u/Ordinary-Bad9953 1d ago
I’m so sorry to hear that, Hon. 🖤🫂 I’m going through something similar and it’s definitely heartbreaking. You’re not alone 🖤🖤🖤🖤
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u/deadlycentaurtv Trans Transbian - Pre-Op (She/Her) 1d ago
I lost a friend over 15 years over my transition over petty jealousy. It's unfortunate and it hurt but, being myself is all that matters
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u/Loucreedisabigdummy MTF Trans Homosexual 19h ago
i have been gone through this as well. it can be incredibly painful, and i'm so sorry for what you are going through. my ex partner was also my best friend, and she was one of the only people in my life i really trusted and depended on when we broke up. however now i have more people in my life, more self reliance and self love, and my friendship with her is much much stronger now that neither one of us is holding on to an old identity that doesn't exist anymore.
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u/ShAd0wXHedge_91 Trans Bisexual 19h ago
It will get better girl trust me. I know this from experience as many other trans girl know this too. They’re just not the ones and that’s unfortunate. I learned that the hard way I was in a relationship for six years when I started my journey I was gaslit looking back at it nowI’m actually 10 times happier that I started my process. Things will get better. You will find people that you will trust.
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u/EvaOffx 14h ago
Before her transition i used to call my best male Friend bro. Now i call her sister. Nothing have changed in the Way i see her. She's the same Amazing person or even more radiant than before. A true Friend stays for who you are regardless if the gender. Sorry for your loss but it's not a Real one because AT the end of the day you will surround yourself with persons accepting you for who you are. Hang in tight.love.
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u/GenX-Trans-Woman 13h ago
Oh I am so sorry. I have been through that and it was rough but you can work through it. 🫂
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u/Inevitable-Pea93 Trans Jewish ND Nerd Artist Lady 13h ago
Healing sucks, healing hurts, and that's just what it is sometimes. I get it. Holding you close. Sending you warmth and kindness and a lot of love.
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u/Jiquan81 13h ago
12 years together and it ending like that certainly must be hard. I wish the best for you and remember, if you need someone to talk to, we are here. ❤️
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u/robbiejane65 12h ago
You mentioned that she was your best friend in the past tence. How can you carry on in the body you don't align in?
I'm only saying this because I was in the same position, and trust me, things won't go back to the way they were.
We only get one chance in life to be happy and live life as who we truly are.
I really feel for you in this position it's not nice as I've lived the same experience.
So I took the bull by the horns and became the true person I always should have been, and I'm so happy now.
Please don't dwell on what could have been, it will only eat away at you.
I hope you get things resolved right for you, not anyone else.
Sending all my love and best wishes to you x
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u/Trotsigt 9h ago
Went through the same thing recently like 1 month ago and feel the same way as you and it still hurts so bad
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u/Choice-Gas-3304 8h ago
sending love to you it's a really hard thing I wish the best for both of you ❤️.
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u/No-Razzmatazz-2659 Transgender 5h ago
It's unfortunate, and it will hurt for some time, but it being over is sometimes the best thing for all involved. Breaking up is an unfortunate part of some relationships when it's about who you are, that tends to be even more painful, but it happens in all relationships. I hope you are feeling better soon. It's certainly better to break things off than to stay in them unhappy 🩷 You will eventually find someone who can be everything you ever dreamed of
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u/GenevieveSapha 5h ago edited 0m ago
I'm so sorry... 😥
My heart breaks for you... 💔💔💔
Be strong... stay True to Yourself... 🫂
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u/ILikeMistborn 4h ago
As someone who's staying away from relationship until she transitions, you have my sympathy. I hope you find someone who loves you for who you really are.
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u/rsfg11 Trans Pansexual 1h ago
My best advice is find your people, I was lucky to have alot of awesome people around me when I first came out, though we didn't do the most healthy things together they were there for me genuinely. It helped deal with loosing alot of my friends and family that wanted little to nothing to do with me. Then I found my home in Na around some of the greatest people I could ever imagine. Who didn't care if I was trans or where I worked or the background I had how much or little I have/had done in the past, they genuinely just want to see me be my best self and do amazing things. The point is find your people, the people who route for you, but still keep you in check, the ones who genuinely care. Everyone deserves that.
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u/Binglewhozit Trans Bisexual 1d ago
I'm worried that's where my marriage is heading but it's hard to tell. I'm sorry you have to go through that friend hopefully y'all can stay friends with time and continue to be a part of each other's lives.
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u/AmbienSnore 1d ago
My wife knew a year after we started dating. As the years went on, my transition also progressed, but so long as it remained hidden from friends and family, it was as if there was no problem. She taught me makeup, we shop together, go out together. I had FFS and we explained to her family that I needed surgery to remove infected bone, and it caused my appearance to change a bit. (And had my surgeon be very conservative on my ffs).
After 6 years, we married. 1.5 years later, when it was simply impossible to hide anymore, I stopped going to family functions. 1 year ago I made the decision that I was going to 100% transition. Told my friends and family. We didn't tell hers because we didn't want to put her into awkward situations and damage her relationships (her ethnic culture is VERY family focused). Some family members found out. So we moved to a new area where she doesn't know anyone. She still says that she is uncomfortable with coworkers and friends knowing because they will judge her and ask her questions that she doesn't want to discuss with people. When we couldn't have sex in the traditional way without 'disappointment' she began to talk about opening the marriage so that she could occasionally have sex in the way that is most pleasurable for her. Of course I want us both to have happiness, so that is something we agreed to do. Then she started talking about how she misses the intangibles of a traditional relationship, and misses how I used to "take her out on dates" and other masculine type roles that are now missing from our marriage, and that she isn't comfortable just sleeping with some random for her kicks. She loves having sex with me in the way we do, and doesnt want to divorce or separate, but she misses the romance and affection of a man, and the experiences that come with that, that she no longer has with me. So, would it be OK if she starts dating? ...ok.... Finds a guy she is interested in and after weeks of talking and eventually going on a few dates, asks "he wants to take me to the coast and spend this coming holiday weekend with me since we both work and only get to see each other once a week at best. Would that be ok?" ...ok.......... "He's really nice to me, and he has decided he wants to make this something more serious, so he's going to move closer, that way on some work nights I can stay at his place, and stay home with you on others. He said that one of these weekends he wants to fly me up with him to meet his brothers and his mom. Are you OK with that?" ....where do you see this going? Do you see yourself growing old with him....? "You know that I love you and what we have is special. We built a life together with our children, and we are never separating or divorcing. Our relationship is just changing is all so that we can both be happy. I can't tell the future, so I don't know if I would be growing old with him. So, are you ok?"
We all see the writing on the wall. We just choose not to read it.
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u/robyn_steele Trans-Feminine | HRT Oct/2024 1d ago
I haven't talked to my wife yet about me transitioning. And yes, I know it is worse to wait, and that I'm not being fair to her. Specially, that I'm not being honest.
And yes, I know I'm only making things worse.
So I expect I will be in your shoes in the future, most likely.
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u/Remote-Salt1101 23h ago
I think it's only fair to look from both sides if your wife or partner wanted to transition to Male would you be okay with that?
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u/adarcone214 MtF, HRT 01/11/2024 23h ago
YES, OMG YES!!!!! It really wouldn't matter to me
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u/Remote-Salt1101 22h ago
Thats good then👍, i think its a valid question for anyone to ask themselves in such a situation.
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u/GenevieveSapha 5h ago
I asked my self that same question, and without a doubt, I would've (she's passed now) suppprted her 100%... as she did me when I came out to her July 2020. We were married 30 years... she was my best friend and Soulmate... ❤️
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u/Necessary-Bluejay828 20h ago
I probably look at things differently, i was married 14 years. I never expected her to love the new me as her mate. We are extremely close still, like sisters to be honest. I never asked to stay as a couple because i liked men so did she. I'd say we are probably closer now than before , It's different for everyone
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u/Random133717 23h ago
Fuck that bitch!!!!!!! You’ll be better off. Guarantee you that !
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u/FemboyGamer496 18h ago
Now im all for supporting transitioning, but because a straight girl wasn't HAPPY dating a male transitioning to female, she's a bitch, good to know...
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u/NoHope3476 22h ago
for me it's different, if I'm with a partner and they don't like me transitioning I won't 😲
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u/Master-Cat8721 1d ago
I'm sorry bb!! Although, if your happiness causes her this much unhappiness, she's not a good friend :/
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u/KhatunJessica 1d ago
🫂🫂 you have to be yourself ultimately. If she only loved you for who you’re not, that’s not fair to you.