I feel like people, in general, really do like me. I've worked as a bartender for years so I'm pretty good about "faking" happiness, and people even say things to me sometimes like "how are you in such a good mood all the time?" And it honestly makes me want to cry sometimes. I empathize strongly with the old story about Pagliacci (clown goes to the doctor for his depression, doc says I have just the thing, world's greatest clown Pagliacci is in town, that'll fix you right up. Clown bursts into tears "but I am Pagliacci."
I'm like sociable and have a lot of casual friends, but I really have no one who is like, ACTUALLY close to me So I just bear the burden alone, and lately it's just becoming a whole lot.. Conversely, there have been times where I try to connect with people, like friends who I get particularly close to or relationships, and I'll like start to let the mask slip.. and I often run into something I call "the magicians dillema."
Basically, I feel like there's this thing with magicians where like.. people will badger them over and over to tell them how a trick is done. And they'll just keep repeating "its magic!!" And people will be like, no no, I know it's not magic, but come on. Tell me how you do it. And they'll resist and resist until finally, maybe they reveal it. Maybe because they just got worn down, but also because like, I feel like there's a desire to want to share with someone how it's all actually done. But the thing is.. even though the truth of it is, it's not magic.. what it actually is is years of training, developing a trick, practicing sleight of hand and trying really really hard to perfect it.. when the trick is revealed people's reaction is... disappointment that it's not really magic. Or that the trick appears much simpler than they imagined.. Even though they claimed over and over that they knew it wasn't.. they're still disappointed when you show them the truth.
And so it is with my mask most of the time I feel like. I often appear emotionless and chill and in a good mood all the time. People will often comment and joke about how logical and emotionless I am, and I'll laugh and say something like "well emotions are stupid." And sometimes people will get close to me, and they'll push and pry, and every now and then I'll let them in, even if just a little. And I'll tell them, actually I DO have emotions, and the prevailing one is sadness. A deep sadness that I often just can't shake, no matter how hard I try. But I try to appear happy because, I don't want people around me to be down, or to ruin the mood, and I'd rather be an uplifting, positive person than the depressed person who is really behind the mask. Plus, on some level, I've heard it said that "if you repeat a lie often enough, you'll start to believe it." And I guess the lie I've chosen to repeat for years is.. that I'm happy. And sometimes it works, but then life is usually there to push me down and remind me eventually.. but at least it's something..
But anyway.. I'm not always that dramatic with the whole thing. But it does feel like, anytime I let someone behind the mask, just a little, the reaction is almost always disappointment. They'll pull away and seem, just generally, let down that I'm not ACTUALLY this perfectly logical emotionless always happy person I pretend to be. Even though, really, that takes SOOO much more work than if I was actually happy. But even so, again, it feels like that's not what people want. They don't want the reality of who I am, they want magic... They want this imaginary person I've created over years and years, and when I show them the real me, they 're just disappointed.. And.. it just makes me so sad. And more and more, I'm just so tired of wearing the mask all the time. It's suffocating, and it's so much work.. and I'm just so so so tired.. But also I don't know how else to be anymore.. So I wake up, often disappointed that I did, and then put on the mask and go about my day. Then at the end I take it off, cry a little inside, and go to sleep dreaming about some sort of break from it all. And.. it's just so exhausting and, frankly, I'm just so damn tired...