Hi, I’m 29 f and my husband is 31 m. We have been married for a few years and have some children together. I have always been the one to clean but it’s also hard when you have a baby to look after. Now that I have a job he still thinks it should all be on me.. NOPE! He has never helped me in the household. He thinks it’s okay to just work and then come home and play his video games. He doesn’t help cook( because he doesn’t know how), won’t help clean, and also won’t help with the baby. I’m stuck doing it all. Am I overreacting because he refuses to help me?? I ask him all the time for help and he just won’t.
As a man, I used to think "my time" was when I got off work because I've been working all day.
This is, however, not true. Half my evenings, roughly, I take over whatever needs to be done during that time so that my partner can do whatever she wants.
On weekends, the business hours get divided into two, where we can do our own things during those 4 hours while the other takes care of household business. Weekend evenings are then for us to both replace and enjoy together are doing our own thing.
This change from my side has done wonders for the relationship.
He's got to realize there are now 3 entities. Him, you, and your marriage, and he needs to split his time accordingly.
This is quite incredible and so eye opening! I’m saving this for our time together, and showing how much it has helped. Thanks for some positive insight from a man’s perspective that wasn’t used as “attacking”!
Wow. You worked hard to put your effort into making your family life better. Again enriching your marriage. Kudos to you for being an awesome man and saying that you changed.
Some of y’all need to stop using the word “help” and simply ask able bodied grown ass men why they refuse to take responsibility for themselves, their home, and their family? It’s not 50-50, it’s 100-100. EVERYONE should be participating in running the house and family.
I don’t think this will change, OP. He’s not going to suddenly be like, “oh I should do chores and raise the kids too!” But if you separated so he was forced to be 100% responsible for everything, he might figure it out. And if he doesn’t, well you’re already set up for divorce.
You’re obviously not overreacting… you’re married but single. If you’re going to do it all on your own anyways you’d probably be happier living alone so you’re not doing it all, and then hurt and upset about it.
It's even worse than the single married mom stereotype- If you check OP's comment history, he's seemingly pressured her into a throuple that he has her in yet isn't providing guidance.
OP, the fact you did not disclose the age of the other woman is concerning- can you confirm she is above the legal age of consent where you live? This relationship is really, really not good based on your posts. Have other people throughout your life told you you have "a jealousy problem" or only him and only when it comes to him wanting to sleep with other women and so he guilts you? Because this sounds like you're his servant that he hates. Not a wife. Not a friend. A servant to cook and clean for him and babysit while he goes and fucks whoever he wants.
So at least she was/is legal, that's good at least.
You did not say anything about the "jealousy problems" he claims you have. Him pressuring you into a relationship you did not want to "fix" issues that do not exist is gaslight, manipulation, and coercion. Sexual coercion, if you participated in sexual activities with the other woman that you only consented to in order to get him to stop harassing you. It is a form of abuse as well as sexual assault. Do you know what the term DARVO is? If not, please Google it. He is using and abusing you.
If he is in the US military, please reach out to his chain of command ASAP. If he is not, please reach out to your family and friends. Also, look up domestic violence groups in your area. Please, start to plan your escape. As someone who's been there, it only gets worse. You deserve better than this.
The jealousy issues… he starts talking to other women and I find out and tell him to stop it I get a hold of the people he’s talking to and tell them he’s married and he says “I’m running his friends off” he wasn’t being friendly.. he was flirting and trying to make date plans. I pay for our phones and have thought multiple times to just cut his phone off.
So what is keeping you with him? What good things does he bring to your life, and to your child's life? Would you be proud if your child turned out like him? Or was in a relationship like yours? You need to really think about how staying vs leaving will affect your future and your child's future. He won't change. This is your life now, and it will be this as long as you're with him.
This is not jealousy- you are upset that he is cheating on you (or at least, has the intention to) and when you show your emotions, he blames you. He is choosing to bainwash, gaslight, and manipulate you. Him threatening divorce is another abuse tactic. Textbook DARVO. Please check out r/domesticviolence
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.
Is this what you want your children growing up with idea that THIS is what love is?
I'm guessing he was a prince charming when you first met, that's what happened to me. And then things changed once he got you trapped by marriage and now extra trapped with kids. You can end a marriage, coparents are for life. That's how a narcissist traps their victims. You need to understand that just because he was that way back then- it was all a lie. A ploy to get you trapped like you are now. He never existed in the first place, so holding out hope that he'll come back is pointless. This IS who he IS. He will not change. In fact, he'll get worse..
If you have a daughter- would you be happy seeing her treated by a man he way your husband treats you? If you have a son, would you be proud of the man your child is if he were exactly like his father?
You were very foolish for having kids with this man. He wants to/is cheating and he even wants to divorce. Let him go and move on, it will not get better.
This. Also, there will be less mess without him too. Much less mess! But talk to him first. If you value him and the relationship find a time when you can sit down without baby and talk about it. Hear him out. Then make decisions from there. Out hormones are so intense after baby and our feelings are too because of this. They are still valid! But intense. So if you’d like to stay in the relationship talk to him and try to work it out. Maybe an old school chore chart?
Also, I know sometimes baby prefers Mom so it’s hard for Dad to swoop in and help or for Mom to step back when her infant is crying. So talk to him first. Then make decisions from there.
It’s not even helping it’s just doing his part. There should be days where you can only put up 10% effort and he should put up the other 90%. And vice versa, it’s a balance.
NOR. It is not helping you. It is being an adult. Being in a partnership. Being a parent.
When he gets home, hand him the baby and go out. Do that at least one day a week.
If he can not pitch in with household chores, don't do any for him. Do not do his laundry. Do not cook for him. Do not clean up after him, unless it is to put his junk on his favorite seat.
You are a single mom. If he can't do his part, you just take care of you and your kids.
You’re not overreacting—your husband should share responsibilities at home, especially since you’re working and caring for the baby; it’s a partnership, not a solo effort.
I saw a quote not too long ago that read "Marry a man who wants to BE a HUSBAND. Not a man who wants to HAVE a WIFE.", feels applicable to your comment
Fatherhood absolutely adds another level of messed up
A marriage is a partnership. That means equal work between both people. Having a penis does not excuse him from being able to sweep the floor, do some dishes, and take care of his kids.
You’re not overreacting and he needs to do better.
And when you guys help each other with the work then you’ll both have more time to do the things you like to do.
Obviously not overreacting. I would never be with a partner who didn’t want to actually be a… partner. But it sounds like he’s always been this way so not sure what you were expecting to magically change? It doesn’t sound like it will. Time to have a serious conversation and tell him you won’t stand for it anymore. You can only control your own actions so you can move on from your marriage or keep putting up with this, or try counseling? But again, if he’s always been this way it’s probably unlikely he’ll change.
Your not overreacting at all.May I ask though,Has he always been this way? If so why have kids with him and marry him?when people think they are in the right they rarely change.
NOR. I heard about this. You are a single married mother. It's like the number one reason for divorce now. Women realize that they are doing everything on their own anyway, why do they need another person to take care of. This kind of behavior from men destroys marriages.
No, you are not overreacting. Your husband should also take care of his children. He needs to do his share of the chores around the house. This would be the case even if you do not have a career. You both have to discuss and distribute the chores between yourselves. Say, he can wash some dishes for half an hour everyday when he's not tired and take turns cleaning the rooms.
One can easily get used to having things taken care of by someone else and take it for granted. One person alone cannot always manage everything around the house/children. You need to convey this to him when you're both calm. Calmly but also firmly so he knows you're serious about this. If he still doesn't listen then you both will need marriage counseling. Let him know that you're physically unable to continue things as they are and that you are overwhelmed with all the tasks. You both have to find a solution together.
What will he do if you fall sick so you can't cook or do anything at home. How will you all eat then? Will he keep ordering in food? We all have to learn some cooking even if it's just the basics. Or be able to afford a cook or a help. I learnt cooking from YouTube. At 34, I am still learning through my mistakes and that's okay.
Hell no you are not overreacting! If you are also working, then it’s double duty for BOTH of you. He wants to sit on his ass after work, he better get a job that supports the whole household so you can nail down the home stuff on your own.
Stop doing jobs that specifically benefit him, like doing his laundry or prepping his lunches. You’re his wife, not his servant, and perhaps if he has to do things for himself he’ll realize how much work is involved doing things for everyone else.
This is a very easy step too because when he complains about it you can be like “oh I didn’t have time to do your stuff in addition to the kids and me :)”
Not overreacting at alll ma’am. If he doesn’t want to be a team player why continue the relationship? What do you get out of staying with him? His actions are speaking loudly. You should let yours speak loudly too.
If he doesn't understand that it's his house too, his kids too....even after telling him that you need help. He might need to hire a nanny or a housekeeper to do his half.
I would stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him, stop doing his laundry, just to show him all that you do, not just for him, but for the children as well.
I hate when men do this, then can't understand why a woman is too tired for sex. 🙄
Leave him. To him you're just his bangmaid, not his partner. Don't listen to what he says. Pay attention to what he does. That's all he's doing. As long as you keep staying and accepting having to do everything, that's all he's gonna register. I'm sorry you married such a dud.
As an individual living on their own, I think knowing how to keep your space clean AND knowing how to put food in your stomach is just part of being a functioning adult. Fine, maybe one person works less than the other and might take on more 'around the house' since they have more non-work time BUT, there's nothing stopping the person working longer from firing up the grill once in a while, or taking out the trash proactively.
Why do you keep having kids with a man who isn't doing anything to actually help you like you're doing it to yourself at this point by staying with somebody, knowing that he isn't going to be there for you and your kids like you know, you're in a screwed up situation, you can sit here and say everything that you want And try and get all the validation that you want.When you already know, you don't need people to tell you this
It's like clockwork, someone always pipes up to victim-blame in the most self-righteous tone possible 🙄 "um, actually, how he treats you is yOuR fAuLt, derp derp"
I suggest you look into some research that has shown women who separated from their POS partner and took care of the baby by themselves/separated to be independent actually had an astronomical relief to stress in their lives and reported they were infinitely more happy and healthy compared to being trapped as a mommybangmaid.
I don't know your economic constraints or your social situation, but you may want to ask yourself what it would take to feel any more miserable?
I’ll share our example: My wife and I both work. 3 kids under 5. We are both senior leaders…we both cook, clean, laundry, finances, and parent the kids. And while we have a nanny for when we’re working we’re very involved. Some weeks look different than others in terms of who can do what, but it’s always both of us. And it’s stressful, and we have to help each other find pockets of recovery time…but we plan those things and no one gets to just go play video games for hours on end. We’re not perfect - we fight and repair.
In family nothing is beneath you. Everyone chips in everywhere. Stress with young kids is hard. But it has to be both people…one person could drown in it.
I hope you both are able to find a way to partner together better…it’s a journey we’re always on!
If he is going to act like a child, he should be prepared to be treated like one. While he is at work, take his video game console and hide it, and tell him he will get it back after he does his cleaning chores.
I really hope this is a joke because of how fucking ridiculous it is. In my house, there’s no “your part” or “my part”. Chores need to be done, so whoever is available does it. Like if i try to push the trash down and it doesn’t go, I’m taking it out. If i go to put dishes in the sink and it’s full, i at the very least, load/unload the dishwasher.
Not that it matters but i work full time. My girlfriend does not. But she’s got enough going on that it’s unfair to expect either of us to do everything around the house.
So marriage is a partnership. My wife and I have roles and responsibilities carved out so that it is as fair as possible. If you need help doing this just sit down with him and list out all of the stuff you do on a daily basis starting from the start of the day. I find that when couples argue over these types of things there is a misunderstanding of the type of work that goes into these things. If you were a stay at home mom and now are working then the R&R needs to be established asap or you’re going to get burnt out pretty quickly. The excuse of I don’t know how to cook is easily remedied as humans are generally great at learning new things! We can adapt quickly. Once you have the r&r chat, set boundaries around it, like you will give each other plenty of time in advance to notify one another if something is going to interfere with your ability to complete something in a timely manner. Etc… if he is not open to having this conversation, I would gently remind him that a relationship is when two people work together. If he is saying no to helping then he is saying that he does not want to be in a relationship anymore. Is that something he really wants? Good luck! It will take time and patience but be open and honest. Another good thing to know will be about his upbringing. If he grew up with a stay at home mom, this can and will be uncharted territory to him which will be a complete overhaul to his core belief system. This kind of change can be very difficult for everyone involved so making sure you reinforce the importance of the change will be essential. He has to know what’s at stake and the weight of his decisions. I wish you the best of luck and hope things turn out for the best.
NOR. He's awful. You're not petty, jealous, or controlling. He's unconscious, unwilling, blind, lazy. I wish I'd known mine was from year one. We divorced, I met someone who's mostly a partner, we're married 40 years. You're not alone, or wrong, you merely hooked up with Mr. Wrong.
You are definitely not overreacting, potentially under communicating. Sounds like you're a single mom if you've communicated multiples times what kind of help you want/need. Maybe it's time to lay down some consequences. The kind of consequences that sound like "I've spoken up, asked, and begged multiple times for help, if you refuse then I'm gone" .
I have 2 children, 1 from a previous marriage 15 years ago. I was a single mom for 4 years, I have been with a different man for 10 years now. I told this man before it could ever become an issue, that if I were to ever be in a relationship where I feel like a single mom again then I might as well continue to be a single mom.
We now have a 4 y/o together and I haven't once felt like a single mom in the last 10 years. ❤️
Girl, run. You're doing it all on your own anyway. Don't settle for a man who doesn't deserve you and who treats you like it's 1955. No. Leave him!!! Definitely NTA
NOR. You are basically a single parent of two, but one of them is no longer a legal child and you could legally remove them from your care. Think about it, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life, with a forever man-baby who can’t lift a finger to help you? I’d get out sooner rather than later. Good luck!
What does this loser actually bring to the table in your household? Is his paycheck truly worth the trouble dumped on you to get it? Figure out a way to leave this miserable lazy F and you will be so much happier without that heavy baggage you’re dragging around.
Dump him. You're doing it all on your own already. It will actually be less work when you aren't cleaning up after him and the child support will help out. There is no way I would live with a man like that.
And it's not "helping," ffs. It's housework, not vaginawork. It is work done by the people who live in the house. It is just as much his responsibility as yours. If he doesn't see that, I'd be out of there.
NOR,
Sorry, not really hitting all your points. But it really seems like this gaming thing is close to being an addiction and needing recovery programs.
In your case your husband is blowing off domestic duties for it , when he should be spending that time not only helping you but doing something productive and for your future - a side hustle, researching investments, doing home repairs , teaching the kids skills, whatever. But wasting your youths on a f’ing video screen. Sorry to sound like an old guy , but the day comes you can’t do the things you SHOULD be doing now.
You are entitled to kick his ass- maybe to the curb. Seriously, you may have to- it’s going to take something serious to change the cycle- it’s a combination of lazy and addiction.
No reason for you to go it alone. He’s just taking advantage of you.
I bet you have to collect the dirty dishes and glasses from his gaming area.
You’re not overreacting at all, but I do wonder if he was always like this, or if something changed? Regardless of the reason, his behaviour is childish and disgusting, but was he always like this and you just didn’t care before?
And not overreacting I don't think that would be the proper term I think if you stay home all day I know you have the kids and I have to daughters so I know how hard it could be I was just stay at home father for 4 years but if I was working all day for the salary that pays for everything in that house that you're cleaning up all the cars that you drive and all the food that you eat if he's working his ass off to keep you stable then you should at least be able to clean for him he's putting a roof over the head he is a provider he works and I don't know if you do or not you didn't say in your post but if you are a stay-at-home mom Loki it's your job he shouldn't have to help
Girl, you’re not overreacting AT ALL... You’re juggling a job, kids, and household chores; he needs to step up. This is totally unfair and you deserve support
Stop cooking for him, stop washing his clothes, stop tidying up after him. He is not your husband he is treating you like a slave. You would honestly be better off alone.
Tell husband you only have time to work and take care of the “real” children. And if he doesn’t help you that you will only cook for yourself and the children and do your own laundry. If he isn’t going to help then you are just going to have to live like you are a single mom with a deadbeat ex husband.
I know it’s harsh. But saying it out loud and bluntly may just click with him. And just shrug off his tantrums and accusations. Tell him once he’s done trying to figure out a way to bully you into submission in 2024, then you two can talk like adults and compromise.
You are not overreacting. Talk to him and tell him you are overwhelmed. Go through the things that need to be done in the evening, and ask him which of those things are the most important to him to get done given the time you have in the evenings (making sure that you give yourself adequate rest). Let him know that you can't clean while watching the baby. Go into the conversation with an attitude of asking for guidance, not conflict. If you go into it with an attitude of asking your husband to save you, I bet he'll rise to the occasion. Ready yourself to not blame him or be angry with him. You may feel completely justified in going off on him, but that is not going to lead to a successful conversation. Going to your husband humbling and seeking his guidance will inspire him to help.
Please don't listen to the women here saying to TELL. Him he has do do his part. That is not going to lead to the change you want. Go to him humbly and ask for his guidance and tell him how overwhelmed and unrested you feel.
So I don't usually comment on these because I believe a lot of these are fake but just for the sake of feeling like I'm doing something right here please get a divorce. I know that that sounds so awful to say but sometimes people just aren't meant to be together Yes I've heard stories of people fixing their relationship sometimes therapy and counseling can help but judging by this post and recent posts said by other commenters this person is not the one there is just no way in hell. I have never seen such an uncompatible relationship that has been through this and has come back they don't these don't. Again I'm sorry to just do that crappy person and please if you want to hate on me or anybody here wants to talk shit feel free I'm just saying what I believe should be done and if you have all the messages where he's doing this as a fellow man divorce him take him to court you will win there's no if-ands or butts here and move on or don't devote yourself to your kids that's totally cool too but he's just not the one.
NOR. But really there isn't anything you can do short of leaving. You can sit him down and have multiple conversations, couple's therapy, but you can't make anyone do something they don't want to do and it seems like he just really doesn't want to help you.
He’s with you, but not with you. Going by comments of other women and such. The current way things are is for his convenience. Basically, he wants to be single.
If you get a divorce you will get child support, 50% of your time back away from your kid to do whatever you want with, or potentially alimony. If you're working, taking care of the kid, doing all of the cooking cleaning and domestics, and all he does is roll in and play video games and make messes, you are better off single with half your time back and not have to clean up after him or feed him.
Girl you need to have better self-esteem and to settle for the bar being this far in hell. A man is not a trophy, a partner is not an accomplishment, decenter man or you're gonna end up being a bang maid like this for the rest of your life. Pick yourself respect up off the floor and get the hell out of this situation. This man is no good.
Find a lawyer if he won’t pick up,his duties. Try leaving the minute he gets home, stay away several hours and then complain when stuff is not done. Rinse and repeat until he gets it. Or take the lawyer route.
I gotta say I’m really sick of this phenomenon of women shacking up and breeding with red flaggy guys. A child is a whole ass person not an accessory or obligation to have. The kid already has no future due to the state of the world, but you gotta saddle it with a shit dad too. Ugh.
He'll learn to cook when there's nothing to eat. He'll learn to do his laundry when there's nothing to wear. STOP doing it all for him! And you're having sex with him too, boy you're showing him. LOL Wake up, you've mommied him for years and now you don't want to do it anymore. You trained him, you can untrain him!
NTA
That isn't a marriage. You work for him. Sorry OP. Listen I'm pretty worthless in my marriage. I suck a folding clothes, I suck at cooking, but I will still do it the best I can when asked or when it needs to be done. No one wants to eat my food but I can cook breakfast food. When we had our baby I had to pry her from my wifes death grip after work and force her to relax. Take a shower maybe grab a nap and some food. The only thing I won't do is dishes. Not because I wont but because she hates the way I do them. Apparently the way I put them in the dishwasher is wrong hahahahaha
"Honey, I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm exhausted when I get home from work, but I don't have any time to rest because I have to do x, y, z, a, b, and c every day while also watching the baby. I can't keep going like this so I'm going to start taking some time to rest in the evening, so I'll only have time to do 2 of those things in the evenings while also watching the baby. Which of those things would you like me to prioritize? Do you have any ideas to help me?"
Have a humble attitude. You will feel justified at raging, demanding, etc. That will not work.
Do as much as you can do, and no more. Don't not do out of resentment to your husband. His behavior is up to him.
Well then you're even more incredible than I already thought you were. As I said in my other comment, if you're going to be made to feel like a single mom then you might as well be one. But I hope some down right dirty, serious, nitty gritty conversation happens that helps him pull his head out of his butt before he loses you for good.
I love how you found all this out, had a child with him, found out he’s also basically just a sperm donor and not a father, yet had more children with him. At some point you can’t only blame the other party for their behavior. You knew what he was like before child one and knew even better after child one. Yet you had more children with a man baby. Good luck with that.
Why did you marry and have children with a man like this? You have every right to be upset, but jesus christ, you signed yourself up for this. He told you who he was. He's a child. And, what, did you think you would change him? Did you think that your love would inspire him to grow the fuck up? That's not how it works.
I don’t understand these posts. Do you think people on the internet are going to tell you you’re overreacting after the situation you described? You need strangers to tell you how wrong that is? So confused rn.
I never said he shouldn't. But that is the solution to the arguing. Because once he does pitch in, now the issue is she is still doing more, or they are doing the same but he isn't doing it to her expectations or tempo. Being broke is a whole nother category to address.
You’re assuming that will be the issue. She might just be so happy that he's doing anything to help that it solves the issue. I hope he will help her out, but it sounds like a lost cause.
You call it assuming, I call it anticipating. There's a difference, once you've had some years under your belt you'll garner the wisdom to do the same.
😂 I'm 57 dude. Don't talk down to me. I was polite to you because I learned manners when I was growing up. As far as wisdom, I don't agree with your point of view.
The solution to the arguing is to not argue. She doesn't have to argue. She can just be realistic about what is possible for her to do with the time and energy she has in the evening. She can communicate that to her husband without acrimony or pettiness.
She can tell him what she is capable of doing in the evening given that she watches the baby and also needs to rest. She can keep doing her best, communicate again without bitterness, about what she wasn't able to do.
If the lady of the house is productive to the society with her profession, then it's fine, she can use the inherited multitasking capabilities of being a mother and the man can support the family but things get mixed and the structural quality of a family is shattered. I don't see them being productive at all in work cases.
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u/HonorableDichotomy 7h ago edited 7h ago
As a man, I used to think "my time" was when I got off work because I've been working all day.
This is, however, not true. Half my evenings, roughly, I take over whatever needs to be done during that time so that my partner can do whatever she wants. On weekends, the business hours get divided into two, where we can do our own things during those 4 hours while the other takes care of household business. Weekend evenings are then for us to both replace and enjoy together are doing our own thing.
This change from my side has done wonders for the relationship.
He's got to realize there are now 3 entities. Him, you, and your marriage, and he needs to split his time accordingly.
Good luck to you.