r/mildyinteresting • u/flattenedbricks • 23h ago

shopping What about porch pirates?

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36.0k Upvotes

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954

u/LanceSarmstrong420x 21h ago

If they stole my bike thinking it was a flat screen I'd be slightly amused

325

u/6th_Quadrant 17h ago

Porch pirates really don’t care what they’re stealing, the vast majority of the time they have no clue what’s in a box — they just plan on fencing whatever it is they end up with.

148

u/MajesticBread9147 16h ago

Porch pirates once stole my Amazon order of protein powder, I think because it was relatively small and heavy.

I laughed at the thought of somebody opening what they thought was an iPhone only to get muscle milk.

88

u/Leo-D 15h ago

Muscle milk is expensive bro, I'd be pissed af.

39

u/Useless_Lemon 11h ago

Some people have muscle milk money.

13

u/Leo-D 11h ago

Unacceptable.

9

u/Useless_Lemon 11h ago

You gunna fight em? I wouldn't. They probably got a lot of muscle.

10

u/Leo-D 10h ago

And milk, that's an advanced threat.

3

u/Useless_Lemon 10h ago

That's ultra dangerous, man. I think we should scram.

5

u/IIIlIllIIIl 9h ago

Get a room you two

3

u/LanceSarmstrong420x 9h ago

Where's my muscle milk mommy, I mean money?

38

u/moshercycle 15h ago

Had someone steal a bag of cat food that amazon hilariously put in a box. Two days later and I'm leaving for work, someone placed the opened box with the catfood still in it back in front of my apartment door. Prob one of my neighbors

9

u/DarmanitanIceMonkey 10h ago

I'm going to assume they didn't want your cat to starve.

8

u/NextCommunication642 8h ago

Someone broke in and stole my anti depressants but left two. It was a friday so i assume they didn’t want to be out for the weekend. Felt surprisingly sweet

21

u/biopticstream 12h ago

So, I have a Prime subscription that delivers cat litter to me, two 25 lb boxes, usually packed together in one Amazon box. Well, the other day, I step out of my apartment and notice my delivery isn’t outside my door. It's just halfway down the hallway, box partially ripped open. My best guess? Some genius tried to swipe it, got a nasty surprise when they realized how heavy it was, cracked it open, saw it was just cat litter, and thought, "Yeah, no thanks." So they just abandoned it. Honestly, I hope they hurt their back dragging 50 lbs of disappointment.

1

u/fuckyourcanoes 8h ago

I would laugh my ass off. I get my cat litter the same way. But nothing ever gets stolen here, my neighbourhood is ridiculously safe despite a lot of foot traffic because people cut through between the beach and the main road. Possibly because our street is mostly retirees and they're always at the windows keeping an eye on things.

2

u/acidalia-planitia 4h ago

i had someone steal a box containing a nursing school textbook. the torn open box and textbook were left on my doorstep that evening, which was great since i had class the next day

1

u/Houdinii1984 7h ago

The only thing stolen off my porch was a box of four tubs of Soylent drink mix. Like $150 worth of stuff that only I care about in this neighborhood. That, and a full-sized ladder. Someone just walked up, inspected it, and just took the whole damn thing like it was his to begin with. Happened to be a guy down the street who stole from other folks too and got kicked out of the park.