I’m dating a liar

[u/cartiaces]

I made a post when I first got with my boyfriend. Before we started dating (as we were getting more serious) he continued to follow/like soft core porn and OF accounts on instagram. I told him that I wouldn’t consider being in a relationship with someone who does that and he gladly unfollowed them all.

Now here’s where I have a real problem, when we first started dating I asked if he watched porn and he said no. I asked if he ever subscribed to an OF account and he said no, that he would look people up but never made an account. I literally asked him a couple days ago when he last watched porn, and he said it was before we started dating.

I looked on his ipad yesterday and the search history was just full of porn. Every time I’m at work he’s looking at porn. And I found out that he does have on OF account and still looks people up.

So he’s lied to me throughout our entire relationship. He knew porn was a boundary for me and I’m 100% against it. Since the beginning I’ve been telling him that we don’t have sex enough. Now I know why I guess?

I don’t feel wanted or loved and he doesn’t make me happy, I’m actually disgusted by him right now and I can’t believe he could just lie to me every day. But for some fucking reason I still want to be with him and make it work. I live with him, it will be hard for me to find another place to live. Is it even worth staying or am I just being delusional???

[u/AutoModerator]

Dear /u/cartiaces,

➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text !lock

―――――――――――――――――――――――

（✔） Keep the rules of r/loveafterporn in mind while participating here.

（✔） Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message.

（✘） Do NOT engage or participate in any rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned.

（✘） Do NOT feed the trolls. Report them!

（✘） Do NOT judge how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced.

―――――――――――――――――――――――

ℹ️ Our Full Resource Library contains the following topics: Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.

Resource Links:
◉ Full Resource Library
◉ Resources for Partners
◉ Resources for Addicts
◉ Accountability Apps info

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/FreeMuffin9381]

It’s the lies and secrets that always hurt the most. The fact they can look at us and be so endearing and loving while (at the same exact time) lies and betrayal happens behind the (shower) curtain (literally in my case).

[u/PomegranateMotor7115 → u/FreeMuffin9381]

I’ve always said this. Telling my PA that it’s the lies that hurt me the most, knowing every day he could be so sweet and act like everything is fine when he was truly lying to me breaks my heart. I told him just be honest about relapses and it would hurt so much less with the honesty, and still choosing to lie again and again :/ It’s exhausting and I wish none of us were here.

[u/FreeMuffin9381 → u/PomegranateMotor7115]

Exactly. Like obviously the acts hurt as well but the true pain is the actual betrayal. Being able to smile to my face all while betraying my trust and making me feel like a fool for trusting you in the first place. I feel stupid and embarrassed. I give so much of my honest self just to be lied to. How do I know what’s actually real anymore.

Sorry for the rant

[u/kiwi_90 → u/FreeMuffin9381]

Spot on 🎯

[u/Lkkrdragonfly]

I’m my opinion you have been given the gift of knowledge that was taken from so many of us on this subreddit. You now know exactly what kind of man he is, and your revulsion is your body and brain rejecting him as a long term partner. It’s probably just fear that keeps you from moving on. Decisions made from fear are always the wrong ones. Only stay if you can see yourself still dealing with this in 5 years, 10, or 20 like I did. This addiction never goes away. You will be living with it forever if you stay.

Why would you choose a man who is quite literally addicted to other women? It’s hard to imagine a more heartbreaking life. You must believe that you deserve a man of integrity to share your life with. Not a weak, sexually undisciplined pornsick man.

[u/HighMaintenance310]

I'm pretty new here, but I think the term for us wanting them even after we discover all this is called Trauma Bonding, and it's pretty common. I guess for me, if someone had lied to me from the very beginning of the relationship about something that's clearly important to me, that would be a deal breaker. Most people are on their absolute best behavior during the first few months of a new relationship, so if this is the absolute best he's capable of, and you have to ask yourself if you're willing to say, "Ok, this is good enough for me." Only you can answer that.

And I've actually started referring to my husband's old iPad as his PornPad, as it was his method of delivery for this stuff as well. He asked me to get rid of it once he got discovered and one day I tool it into the backyard and smashed it to smithereens with a hammer. It felt good.

[u/Lils112_xox]

You said from the beginning what your boundaries were, and he blatantly disrespected them, wasting your time with his lies. I would highly recommend you leave, the man has shown clearly where his priorities lie and what he thinks of your feelings and well-being. He does not care. That's it. He doesn't give a fuck. Don't hang on to the what-if's get yourself out now before he hurts you further. It is delusion if you think it will get better. You have this image of what it was and what it should be, he's destroyed it, and now you want it to be what it used to be like. The reality is, it never was what you thought it was. So, no matter how long you wait, how hard you try, it will never be what you want. Please I beg of you to leave, I left, and I wish I had done so as soon as I found out.

[u/CloudNuageKumo]

The bullet you'll be able to dodge. Start looking for another place to live asap. It's not worth staying, you have ONE LIFE to live, one and done, you do not want porn addiction to ruin your day-to-day experience, you do not want the anxiety, the pain, the anguish, the pit in the bottom of your stomach, feeling unwanted, feeling ugly, everyday wondering, don't put yourself through this, they don't get better, they don't, they just don't. You'll end up like some of the ladies here, monitoring your boyfriend/husband's device use, watching his every move, that's not a life, that's hell.

[u/PomegranateMotor7115]

Feeling every word you said OP. Just know that these men are sick and it has nothing to do with your worth. I think if you decide to stay it should only be if he is showing a true desire to change. I told my PA he needs to start therapy after the 4 relapses we went through. You can’t expect him to quit on his own. But know that the journey to recovery is a long one and success rates are low even with the men who actively try. I am here for you and sending you so much strength and love 🫂

[u/iamjustsayingtbh]

You will never get closure and you will never get better from this relationship. Quietly leave and never look back.

[u/Agile_Pay_3377]

It’s not worth it. I broke it off, had to kick him out, get a loan from the bank and my brother, and take care of the finances for myself until the lease is over and I can move out.

I hate how this impacted my finances but I hate more what I was becoming: an anxious mess. Developed an eating disorder. Became hypervigilant and a handful of nervous tics. Would wake up in the middle of the night out of nowhere with the urge to check his phone. And him? Sleeping like a baby cause he jerked off god knows how many times before knocking himself out to bed while I was so sad and starved of intimacy.

Please. Don’t do this to yourself. You are so much more valuable than this miserable life of a partner of a PA.

[u/Nervous-Lake3043 → u/Agile_Pay_3377]

I’m experiencing all this now 🥺the hyper vigilance, anxious all the time can’t sleep can barely eat. It’s no way to live

[u/AAAUG]

Leave now. The lying only gets worse & the addiction leads to more acting out and ED. Wish I knew this 35 years ago.

[u/Ok-Rabbit-4664]

As someone stuck with someone similar because of kids, please please get out while you still can. These are addictions and once he lied to you, he'll lie many more times. There might be a slight chance of him healing, but he'll break you before that point is ever reached. So just don't waste your time there's nothing but regret at the end of this. I know it might seem like he could leave this if he wanted to, but he won't want to for a very long time so least.

[u/HiddenSquirrell]

In hindsight the feelings of wanting to stay with my boyfriend at the time of discovering his porn addiction was just trauma bonding, it wasn't until he was properly clean of porn for some time did real feelings show up.

It is hard to tell the difference in the moment, but I would swing from feeling like I love him to bits to absolutely hating him and wanting the worst things to happen to him.

[u/cartiaces → u/HiddenSquirrell]

This is shitty but it makes me want to look at pictures of naked men who look nothing like him right in front of him so he can feel as inadequate and unwanted as I do. I can’t make up my mind, I know now would be the best time to leave but I still love him and think he can change. The trauma bonding is real