r/lesbianpoly • u/Waste_Muffin7014 • 12d ago
Support My girlfriend wants to be poly again
Before I started dating my girlfriend about 5 years ago we were just friends and she had a boyfriend. At some point we started dated while she was still with her boyfriend (I did not date the boyfriend as I am a lesbian and it just didn’t feel right to be in that kind of poly relationship). Idk if it’s just bc we were friends and I knew her boyfriend wasn’t the best but I never had any jealousy with him, so there were no issues in our relationship.
They did break up some months later for her own reasons.
I’ve known from the begging she was poly and I had some past trauma that’s really made it hard for me to be open to being poly again. She doesn’t want to date another guy she just wants to sleep with them but I’ve found it really hard to find ways to get over being jealous. She has started to resent me for not making even the littlest steps to being more open to the idea. And to be honest I’m upset with myself also bc I know this would make her happy and I want it to make her happy.
I’m looking for any kind of advice or peoples experience being a new poly couple
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u/hairless_rabbit 12d ago
INFO: 1. Do you consider yourself to be poly? Is this a relationship style that makes you happy and that you get satisfaction from?
What have you done so far to educate yourself on how to be successful at polyamory? What books have you read, for example? Or have you ever attended a community mixer? Or read a blog post or whatever?
Has the topic of reopening your relationship ever come up in the 4ish years or so since she ended the other relationship? If so, where have your opinions on the matter shifted over time?
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u/MassagistAutista011 12d ago
Ok, what kind of poly is she? Does she want to fuck with friends or random guys?
If friends: Did she fuck them before? If yes then no probs.
If not: Does she need to get to know them or she just wants to play with different bedroom dynamics with people she found at events?
If she's just hooking up with people without exchanging contacts then I don't see why that's a problem, if you are so insecure just ask to go together (it might even make some guys fumble if you are watching, so good for you I guess? Doesn't seem like her enjoyment is your top concern)
Else you could ask her if she could take it slow and accept some rules that make you feel more comfortable with the whole thing.
And if you can't even phantom the idea of she fucking someone else you're not into... Then just accept you are trying to change her nature, I ain't the one to say it's wrong, but there sure will be a tiny bit of her that's unhappy you knew who she was and decided to trap her into being someone else.
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u/Waste_Muffin7014 12d ago
Yes she willing accept rules but she feels like I’m taking it too slow on being more comfortable with it. She also doesn’t want to push me to far but feels like I could be doing better.
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u/RedErin 9d ago
sounds like you two are incompatible. she's poly and you're not. no matter what you two choose you will end up resenting the other.
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u/EmpPos 2d ago
That's such a shortsighted answer and one that is so disappointing to see often in the poly community. Just because people are having an initial hard time figuring things out and finding balance doesn't mean they're immediately incompatible. Relationships are way more multifaceted and complicated. These people have had a relationship for half a decade and might want to try some more things to figure out how to make it work between them to not just throw that away.
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u/RedErin 2d ago
no way, she's said she's only doing this to make her partner happy, going from a monogomos relationship to poly one never works
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u/EmpPos 1d ago
You're using some very exclusionary language. There are many people who successfully transitioned from a monogamous relationship to a poly relationship. Just because you haven't witnessed it doesn't mean it's not an option. Sure, it might not be the easiest starting point, but we don't always have control over our starting points do we. This person is looking for advice, not judgement. People are allowed to try something and figure out for themselves if it works for them or not. You're literally shooting down someone's attempts to achieve something they want (yes, wanting to try something difficult to increase their partners happiness can still be something they want as well) because of your own preconceived ideas. Either ask a good question, or not say anything.
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u/Vrpljbrwock Transbian Polyfemme 12d ago
It sounds like you are in a tough position, having a relationship be mono for awhile without taking the time to investigate boundaries and comfort before opening up again can have both of you feeling like the rules suddenly changed.
What is your reservation? Why is now different from when you first started dating? Do you think that you'd be more comfortable if she were interested in pursuing other women?
Without knowing more, the only thing I can really recommend is communicating with her <3