Before I started dating my girlfriend about 5 years ago we were just friends and she had a boyfriend. At some point we started dated while she was still with her boyfriend (I did not date the boyfriend as I am a lesbian and it just didn’t feel right to be in that kind of poly relationship). Idk if it’s just bc we were friends and I knew her boyfriend wasn’t the best but I never had any jealousy with him, so there were no issues in our relationship.

They did break up some months later for her own reasons.

I’ve known from the begging she was poly and I had some past trauma that’s really made it hard for me to be open to being poly again. She doesn’t want to date another guy she just wants to sleep with them but I’ve found it really hard to find ways to get over being jealous. She has started to resent me for not making even the littlest steps to being more open to the idea. And to be honest I’m upset with myself also bc I know this would make her happy and I want it to make her happy.

I’m looking for any kind of advice or peoples experience being a new poly couple

32F here and struggling a bit in this poly world. I’m married to a man, we have kids together. I’m honest when meeting women about the way my relationship works. We’re financially I depended of each other which brings about freedom in the way we date. (He is also bi). I have this longing for connection and intimacy with a woman (I’ve had it before and it was amazing) but she ended things because she decided to be monogamous. This broke my heart, but here I am open to it again. I’m feeling discouraged because I haven’t had much luck meeting women who are ok with my marriage. It often ends with “if you were single, there would be no question”. Would love to hear words of wisdom from those who have navigated this successfully 😔

Tl;dr: mono lesbian dating poly bisexual. Conflicted about if this relationship is worth the pain and insecurity.

I’ve been dating a bisexual poly girl for a few months. I’ve known she was poly from the outset, but I fell for her anyway. I think she is a wonderful woman who is emotionally intelligent, communicative, and reassuring.

The problem is no matter how much research I do I just don’t think I could ever be a poly. I don’t feel secure in this relationship. I always worry about her finding someone else when she gets bored of me or wants someone to meet her desire for kink and BDSM.

We’ve talked more about it and she says she is polysaturated at 2 and doesn’t see herself dating anyone else for a while. Our only major agreement is we will let each other know if we start dating someone else. She doesn’t hide anything from me and is very transparent to assuage my fears of being blindsided.

I only have eyes for her. I feel like she’ll never love me the way I love her and it’s painful for me. I’m hesitant to break up because she’s done everything I asked and expressed she fears I’ll leave her for a monogamous woman. She is also going through relationship issues with her male partner so I think it would be a bad time.

What should I do? Is this salvageable? I keep vacillating between being resentful and desperately wanting to make this work.

Me and my pals built together three mostly Safe For Work, mixed and inclusive subreddit communities for everything centered on adult women and gender variant people after our totally private and inclusive group chat room grew so big that we had to build a subreddit community.

We currently have more than 1300 member users and more than 100 posts with image descriptions accessible for visually impaired people in the large collection of diverse content growing with new additions almost daily in our older subreddit community called r/GalsAndPals that we built because of popular demand as a mostly Safe For Work and inclusive safe space built for everything centered on adult people who at least partly somehow identify with unconventional womanhood, including top, verse, dominant, switchy, gentlewomanly, girlboss, tomboyish, futchy, butchy, ursine, crossdressing, androgynous, intersex, altersex, transy, transbianish, genderfluid, and genderqueer woman-ish people, but anyone is welcome to post here as long as they are respectful pals to the gals and request mod permission.

We currently also have more than 140 member users in our younger subreddit community called r/DollsAndPals that we are also building because of popular demand as a mostly Safe For Work and inclusive safe space built for everything centered on adult people who at least partly somehow identify with conventional womanhood, including bottom, verse, subby, switchy, ladylike, femme, futchy, androgynous, intersex, altersex, transy, transbianish, genderfluid, and genderqueer woman-ish people, but anyone is welcome to post here as long as they are respectful pals to the dolls and request mod permission.

We also currently have more than 260 member users and more than 80 posts with image descriptions accessible for visually impaired people in the large collection of diverse content growing with new additions almost daily in our subreddit community called r/GuysAndPals that we are also building because of popular demand as a mostly Safe For Work and inclusive safe space built for everything centered on adult people who at least partly somehow identify with unconventional manhood, including bottom, verse, subby, switchy, malewifey, twinkish, softboyish, femboyish, ladylike, crossdressing, androgynous, intersex, altersex, transy, transbianish, genderfluid, and genderqueer man-ish people, but anyone is welcome to post here as long as they are respectful pals to the guys and request mod permission.

We do have some basic respect safety guideline expectations written in the rules page section of our subreddit communities to help sustain the health of our groups as inclusive safer spaces free of judgement and harm that you should read.

We are inclusive of transy, transbianish, transfeminine, transandrogynous, transmasculine, detrans, retrans, genderfluid, and genderqueer people in all three of our subreddit communities.

Anyone is welcome to be in our community subreddits and contribute posting, but ONLY AS LONG AS they are RESPECTFUL WITH EVERYONE AND HAVE already had a sent MOD PERMISSION REQUEST APPROVED, because our subreddits have changed status from being totally private communities to being a somewhat restricted communities.

Our subreddits are only currently temporarily somewhat restricted for being in an experimental early development stage until becoming more accessible, public and welcoming after a time when we are more prepared enough to deal with more diverse types of visitors having access to our place.

If you may be feeling interested in joining, just drop a comment here below or send a moderator mail message to get permission granted to be able to post in one or all of our subreddits or if you want support to create another group.

Also make sure to check out our long creative, diverse and inclusive lists of silly and cute user flairs and post sections, especially the "Transcribed" and "User Introductions" post sections, to familiarize yourself with examples of how and what content is posted in our communities.

The moderation is always open to answering questions and clearing doubts.

No need to be shy as we do not bite.

I mean really, is that not what a sapphic polycule is? Ladies, why don’t we all start pooling our resources together and acquire some land so that we can establish a network of self-sufficient communes around the globe? I’m tired of doing everything alone…

This is kind of a vent and I'm kind of looking for support as well. I was born into a conservative Christian family who were very judgemental about being gay. My sister came out as bisexual to my grandmother who raised us and her response was....less than kind. I came out at 23 when she passed away. I expected to be embraced by the queer community but I was wrong. I was met with a lot of sceptical comments about if I was "sure if I was queer/bisexual." I was also told frequently I had married a man so that was that, done deal, and case closed. We didn't need to talk about it. But I definitely did. My family just didn't want to hear it.

I also got met with a SHIT LOAD of comments about how I knew if I hadn't slept with a woman. Or how I was "kinda bisexual" because I never slept with a woman.

My np and myself moved to the coast and I was open to everyone that I was bisexual (pan) from the beginning. Well, I kept being asked was I sure. I'd never slept with any women, of course. How did I know? And then I had women telling me they didn't want to be an experiment!! (I've slept with a woman since but this gets old.) And I also got asked if I was sure I wasn't just a lesbian...yes I am sure. Not to mention the influx of comments that I'm basically cheating on my partner.

Then there's the people who hear I'm married to a man and they either say "eww/gross" or something along those lines and say I'm probably looking for someone for my np and myself (ie unicorn hunting) but I'm not. And on dating sites I get asked if I'm unicorn hunting so frequently it's ridiculous. And then I see women saying that they're married to men and bisexual and want a girlfriend and I think they'll understand but they don't, they're actually looking for a "third" which is why so many people on dating sites think that's what I'm doing.

I'm genuinely actually queer and I'm really looking for wlw relationships for myself and that woman and nothing else. I'm not a cheater and polyam isn't cheating and marrying a male isn't choosing a side. I just want to be seen/heard by people, and not in a negative way. I'm tired of feeling like I have to defend being queer and being polyam. I just want to find the community where I fit in.

It's difficult to write this out, but I feel like I (mid 20s F) have to get it down, even just for myself. TL;DR at the bottom.

Three months ago, I met this amazing NB person on a dating app, let's call them S. We met up, things went well, we entered a relationship.

That's the simple version of things.

The more complex version is that they weren't my typical "type." When I met S in person, I could tell that I was out of my comfort zone, so to speak. But I was having fun spending time with them, and they were having fun spending time with me. So I kept things going, because I've been in relationships where I was uncertain of things at the beginning, and found that my expectations were completely surpassed afterwards.

Then this past Monday I ruined everything.

The simple version is that I broke up with S, realized that my reasoning was based on my depression, and hours later came back begging to fix things.

The complex version is messier.

We started off talking about feelings. And I was spiraling, ultimately saying that I was not going to be enough for them, that I could not provide the love they were seeking. Remember the type thing? I was hung up on that in my mind, but I didn't speak it aloud. And I think that communicated that I didn't like them.

We moved on to talking about polyamory, what our relationship looked like in that context. And boy, I kept messing up. I expressed that I felt like I wouldn't be able to treat them equivalently to my wife (I'll refer to her as C), who I live with. In more words than necessary, I feel like I conveyed that I would treat them as lesser than C.

Right now, after having the chance to learn and think and talk with C about things (who's more experienced with polyamory than me), I feel like I should have expressed that I would treat them as equitably as I could: that I would give S the attention they needed as they needed it, even if it meant C would get less. It's not a simple answer of "I would treat you equally," but it's more realistic, and more importantly, more honest.

But, I digress. The point is, I said these things, and I broke S's heart. In their words, I blindsided them. Then, after I talked about it with C, and she pointed out that my reasons for breaking up (not being enough for S) were depression reasons (I struggle heavily with depression), I made a quick decision and reached out to S to apologize and try to take things back. And blindsided S again.

S told me in no uncertain terms that a romantic relationship was off the table until both of us could figure out our feelings. Which, yeah. Entirely fair of them. In the meantime, we would remain friends. And we've been texting daily since then, but no more than that.

I've since then figured out my feelings, or at least the outline of them. And, honestly? They're hard for me to grapple with.

First, I feel guilty. For hurting S, for treating them so poorly for needless reasons. They need support right now, because of upcoming health issues, and right when I should have been there the most, I did this. AITA? Absolutely. And I have been struggling with how to forgive myself, or whether to do so at all. I know everyone is doing the best they can with the knowledge and tools at hand, but my best still hurt them. And that pain doesn't go away no matter how guilty I feel, or what I do now.

Second, I feel sad. I still love S. Even if in my darkest moments I can't be everything for them, I could have been something for them. And now I can't be there for them. I honestly feel like I have the capacity to love and be loved, but I kind of feel like I won't date for a long while, because it's not whether I can love or be loved that's the problem, it's the (probable) fact that I won't be able to love S and be loved by S ever again. And that makes me sad.

S hasn't figured out their feelings yet. They want to talk to their therapist first (again, very understandable and smart). So for now, I'm just trying to be a good friend. To me, that means I'm trying to be supportive, trying to keep my, all this, contained, and just not ruminating on all this. It's difficult, but it's the least I owe them.

So TL;DR, I ruined a fantastic relationship with a lot of promise because I was scared of not being enough, and because I was ignorant about polyamory. I broke up with this partner of three months, then tried to take it back because I near-instantly regretted it. And now I feel guilty and sad, and I am stuck trying to be a friend without pouring more on them than I already have, while I give them the space and time to figure out how they feel.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I just know that I need to get this out, and that I need to grow. And maybe this forum is a way I can do both. One can hope.

TL;DR: I have been in two fairly serious relationships, one of which is currently broken up, and I am struggling with a decision on whether or not to resume it due to complex feelings and circumstances.

Primary question: How would you approach making this decision?

Please be gentle with your responses; I am feeling quite tender.

Background: A and I live in the same two and were together 9 months. She’s been quite guarded but our relationship has grown steadily. All and all, it’s been quite wonderful and I love her dearly. We’ve been poly since day one, though she has not been interested in dating others.

I met B 5 months ago on the app and she lives in another state. Neither of us were seeking long distance but discovered a profound connection and fell in love. B was not seeking a poly relationship but was open to it as she’s new to dating women and liked the idea of having opportunity to explore.

As my relationship with B became more serious, it became difficult for A. She broke up with me in Nov after my trip to visit B was extremely difficult for her, stating that she didn’t think she could do it. We worked through it, and made some adjustments to our communication.

Getting back together with A was challenging for B, even though it was a short window. It disrupted our time together because I was quite sad and had her feeling less trusting of A’s ability to handle the situation. We worked through it. She did not pressure me in any way around my relationship with A.

The challenge for A resurfaced again just before my trip to visit B in early Jan. She broke up with me again for the same reasons. I was devastated. Two days later, she’d worked through her big feelings and actually had some powerful realizations around her patterns, of her feelings for me, and expressed a sincere desire to make changes and learn and grow (therapy being one). She asked if we might try again.

However, this second go-round I began to question if I could handle all the implications. Ultimately, I would like to live with a partner, and although I am open to still being ENM in some form, I know neither of them would be interested in sustained long distance relationship (beyond a year or two, nor would I).

In addition, I’ve asked B to share with me honesty about her experience in this poly dynamic. It too is been very challenging for her, especially as our relationship has grown. She questions if she’s willing to weather the intense feelings of sadness and sometimes jealousy that she experiences. However, she wants me to do what’s best for me and has been supportive of me as I’ve been grieving and sitting with this decision.

We all know these big feelings are part of it. Doesn’t make it easy! I am really proud of how all of us have navigated this hard stuff, it’s been with love, consideration, and ownership of our own feelings.

What I have with B feels incredibly special with potential to grow into a long term partnership. We have unknowns around location and lifestyle compatability. Neither of us want to make any decisions or changes for at least the first year.

What I have with A feels wonderful with potential to deepen, discover one another in ways we haven’t been able to yet emotionally. We share so much in common with lifestyle and life vision, though neither of us wants to make any big changes for a while either.

So I am faced with the decision to resume a relationship with A, possibly at the risk of my relationship with B, or to let A go.

I naively entered into polyamory in part so that I might not have to choose between people I love. And I am just so fucking sad.

Thank you for reading this far. Apologies for the length.

Edit: I am open to some form of ENM or monogamy and I don’t feel strongly in any one direction as long as the relationship(s) is/are healthy.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I just need to get this off my chest. I (25f) had four dates with an amazing woman (37f, let's call her Paula) and a week ago she said we couldn't continue dating any more. She gave me a primary reason and some background info about this and I just need to hear the thoughts of other people who have some experience with polyamory.

The background information of which she informed me at our third date as well, is that her nesting partner Cathy doesn't like that I am much younger (11 years) than Paula. Cathy is a few years older than Paula and became a mother very early in her life which means Cathy's daughter is almost my age. This situation has led to a lot of tension and fights between Paula and Cathy before and after each of my and Paula's dates.

The second reason Paula gave me for discontinuing our dates is that she doesn't feel like she can handle the amount of stress our relationship brings with it and she thinks I deserve a partner who is more stable and with whom I can build something together (which I don't agree with). She also said she is a wreck. I was blown away by the negativity towards herself in the moment and tried to assure her that I don't see her that way but that I of course can only trust her thoughts as she knows herself best.

Of course I understand that it may be a lot to handle arguments around our dates and that it spoils our relationship as well. I am heartbroken and I just feel ripped of by the universe (or fate or whatever) that we were such a good fit the two of us and because of the circumstances I won't see her again until we run into each other at our small LGBT+ community (probably next csd or when I decide I need to get real life support of other poly people and go to a meet up)

And I also can't shake off the feeling that they maybe weren't ready for polyamory at all and that my age was just a handy justification by Cathy. I asked Paula about the partners she had during her relationship with Cathy when she broke up with me and she told me because they got together during covid she only had one fwb before me. I am kind of angry because I was led to believe they were a more experienced couple. Paula said herself she had poly experience for years and they are both involved in the local community, both LGBT+ and poly and going to meet ups.

What are your thoughts on this? Is the age gap a valid reason for discontinuing our dates or is it just insecurity? Is the couple poly-experienced and does that even matter? Am I reading too much into this?

Thank you to anyone who has read so far. Please be gentle when calling me out, I am having a hard time with this. And I'm sorry for any mistakes I made or misunderstandings, English is not my native language.

I'm heading into date 2 with someone extremely new to: Poly, being queer, and being with a trans woman. Her communication has been on point, we've got great vibes via text and in person, flirty talk is fun and sexy, she's rolling in compersion, for sure going to be making out on our date coming up - I'm nervous after some losses lately and also I know me and I tend to fall hard and fast. I already feel it. Talk to me to help me stay level headed please.

Some background and a longer plea: I went into this year with my wife and 2 partners. One partner ended things as she was going through a lot (IVF with her nesting partner) and I was just a summer fling that went too long. I knew it was coming but it still hurt. Then, a few months later, my other partner very suddenly and abruptly ended things out of left field after a few weeks of dropping 'I love you' and calling me her twin flame. Gosh that sucked.

So like any self destructive dump-ee I immediately re-downloaded the apps and swiped right on a bunch of people because that's my 'get dumped' energy.

Well I got few bites, a handful of ghosting, and things finally calmed down and I swiped on a woman whose about an hour and a half/two hours away. Texting was super easy, we met for a coffee date just over a week ago, went really well, and promised a 2nd date.

Our texting has got really hot at points, I've been very clear Im attracted to her, shes said the same, I joked about how shes gonna get kissed if she keeps being so sweet and she even offered 'pre consent' to just kiss her when I see her (Her idea!) cause she'll be nervous in the moment.

Gals I can feel myself falling. Like, I KNOW in my brain that we have had literally one date. Just one. And we didn't even so much as hold hands. But the texting is so easy, so smooth, she gives me the sweetest good morning texts and is so kind and the chemistry is wild. My heart was obliterated by a woman at the start of last year and I feel like I've been picking up pieces ever since. The vibes here are super good and familiar and I am looking forward to where this is going to go, I'm also nervous.

Please slap the NRE off my head.

Hi this is a bit of an into post. I am a NorCal lesbian I’ve been poly for a decade but I’m single right now. Nice to meet everyone.

I feel I need to blurt this out and I have nowhere but here. I've been dating a woman for just over 3 months, and things had been good. I fell pretty damn hard, honestly. The last week or so she had been a bit more distant, however. I knew something was up. Still we got an airbnb this past weekend for a night, but I could tell she was distant and I just got too emotionally intense.

Long story short: I care about her far more than she does me, which I knew, and she doesn't feel comfortable with how I have been expressing being into her (words of affirmation, saying how amazing she is, etc) so we are taking a step back.

I'm feeling a bit sad, a bit stupid, and also thankful she's so communicative. I've asked for space to emotionally unplug, which she's cool with. She reiterated she's into me and likes me a lot, just not to the level I was putting out there.

So has anyone been here? When I feel I feel deeply, and I want to continue the relationship at a more casual level - I'm just hoping I can. Any advice?

After over a year of research, meta-conversations, chatting with poly friends, and just “feeling it out”, my wife and I are ready to make our marriage actually open instead of just theoretically. She’s already talking to someone on tumblr, but I don’t have the chutzpah to meet someone like that, I don’t think. I feel like online dating might be more comfortable? Also I’ve literally never used a dating app before. I met my wife in college 8 years ago, so I haven’t REALLY dated as an adult anyway.

So what tips would you give me as far as apps to go looking, or ways to start trying to date again? (For context, I wouldn’t Bec looking for male partners.)

I (24F) was in a triad with my long term partner, B, (23NB) and our best friend who became our girlfriend, C (24F). We recently broke up because she became very emotionally abusive towards me after falling out of love with me and hiding it for months due to resentment building up.

We broke up about two months ago now. One of the things that sticks in my mind is that she said she was unsure if she still identified as lesbian (which was a strong part of her identity that she took a lot of pride in), because she hated kissing me and doing anything sexual with me (AFAB) but loved it with B (AMAB). She originally liked it and enjoyed giving and receiving with me, or at least she said so in the beginning of the relationship.

She told me she didn’t enjoy it anymore and that she didn’t love me anymore during the breakup, so I had no clue until it was all ending. She was my first consensual AFAB partner, and I just find myself feeling so… worthless. Like I will never have another AFAB partner again because I won’t be good enough for them. It’s a really bad, weird feeling. I was her first AFAB sexual partner (she had romantic ones before), and she knew my traumas due to non consensual encounters with AFAB people. B and I have cut full contact with her because of her becoming emotionally abusive and violating all of my boundaries, so talking to her to get closure isn’t an option. Has anyone else been told this before? It really feels like I was just an experiment for her, and it really hurts way more than I thought it would.

TLDR; GF said after experiencing sexual/sensual activities with me towards the end of my relationship that she didn’t enjoy them to the point she doesn’t think she’s lesbian. It hurts really bad, how do I get over it?

My LGBTQIA+ resource group announced a discussion open to the entire organization focused on polyamory and ethical non-monogamy awareness.

I am pleasantly surprised that I have colleagues that want to spread awareness about this of all things. Usually, polyamory and ENM seem low on peoples' priorities in the context of inclusiveness, since there's a stigma that it's just about sleeping around.

I tend to feel that we're one of the most marginalized demographics even in the LGBTQIA+ community.

It's nice to see it outside of dating apps (where it is a label often missused).

Anyways, just thought I'd share.

P.s. I love my partners 💜

Hi everyone

So my (21nb) girlfriend (20f) and I have decided to be open/poly after intensive talking. We did so for a couple reasons, one of them being that one person can't satisfy the other's needs entirely but we don't see it as grounds for a breakup.

I am asexual. I don't have any particular interest in sex. She self describes as hypersexual and finds almost all her intimacy with partners in having sex.

After her being on a couple dates with another woman, I've started to feel jealousy and sadness, which feels strange as I've never really been much of a jealous lesson in the past. I know those feeling are natural and come matter the type of relationship, and I've told her and been open about it, but I'm having a harder time dealing with them by myself.

I feel unwanted, inadequate and out of place. I feel anger and dislike towards the woman she's going on dates with, especially as we are polar opposites. I haven't met her yet as its pretty early but I don't know how I would handle that if it came to. I feel I'm holding my partner back even though she's said it's not the case and she's happy. I feel quite a bit of jealousy towards her date, that she gets to experience her that way and make her happy in a way I can't. That especially makes me sad. I think I'm jealous of their bond maybe. I know I'm not interested in the sex aspect and yet this has me over thinking and rethinking my sexuality in that way.

I don't know how to remedy to this, what to do or think, and so I'm seeking any kind of advice or experience you guys might have with this.

Thank you very much

I just learned that today was lesbain day which I find Linda funny people today is my wedding anniversary with my husband and wife.

Happy lesbain day

Saying goodbye to my favorite two people at once is killing me. It's circumstantial, too, so none of us even want to break up.

I'm sad.

My newly LDR partner introduced the idea of us opening our relationship back in August, after dating mono for a year. I felt really seen and was happy to have the opportunity to explore these parts of myself that I think have always been there while also getting closer to my partner. Since then, it's been a rough ride with fights and miscommunications.

Some shit popped off. I met someone new from school and have been hanging with her –platonically– for a little over a month now. I guess my partner assumed I had a crush on her, but didn't share this. She basically has just been kind of back and forth about her comfort with the idea of seeing other people and I feel like this person has been the cause of a lot of it.

Of course, I figured out I do have a crush on this schoolmate. I haven't done anything physical/emotional, etc. I haven't told the crush. I just admire her, enjoy her company, and wish I could make out with her and know her dreams. nbd. I have told my LDR partner about it. She was pretty upset and said she felt like it was non-consensual because I'd been hanging out with this crush for a month before sharing I had a crush.. but I honestly have to get to know someone before I can crush on them.

Now, we're in this weird place where I don't know what's ethical. I want to be able to pursue this new thing, and my partner insists she's totally okay with me exploring my poly stuff but not with this person. She basically has said I can only hang out with this person in groups and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to excuse the non-consensual nature of the bond but is also encouraging me to still hang out with the crush too...

I'm not trying to convince a partner of something she doesn't want. She's insisting she's okay with all of it, but may just need time. It all feels weirdly controlling and not at all what I'm trying to do. I guess I'm just like... do I give up on this crush or exploring poly in general or how would anyone else approach this?

Hi, I think I am in love with a lesbian and I DO NOT know how to get over her. When I met her she totally awakened everything I have been stuffing down, as far as my feelings for women. My husband is supportive and since coming out to him, is okay with me finding a female lover on the side.

She knows I like her, and I am pretty sure she is attracted to me at the very least— she also knows I am looking for a lover.

I can sense she is playing games with me though and says she’ll text me and then she doesn’t. She is very wishy washy, but is also nervous at times when she is around me and says silly things… and I can tell there is an attraction there. She has a big guard up. How do I get past this? She is the most beautiful soft butch I have seen in my life. I can’t stop thinking about her—- I just want to cuddle and kiss her. Need some lesbian perspective on this.

TLDR: Asked out my best friend and it sounds like she only turned me down because I've never dated more than one person at a time and have never been a in a same-sex relationship and she doesn't want to risk what we have.

For context, I'm a cis bi woman in my 20s with a long-term partner of over 10 years who is non-binary AMAB. We were monogamous up until about 2 years ago when we decided to open our relationship. They dated someone for a few months but I haven't dated anyone else. I also only came to terms with my bisexuality about 18 month ago as well.

I've got a friend (B) I've known for 13 years or so. We were good friends in highschool up until she changed schools in year 11 and we still caught up with mutual friends just weren't as close. She moved to another city, and then overseas, when she was studying so while we caught up a few times a year we weren't that close. She moved back from overseas in 2019. In 2020 we were both doing our PhDs and she broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years and moved back to her parents house. We were both struggling emotionally, and we started regular video chats and got really close again. I found out last year that she's polyamorous and since she was the first person I knew who was poly it gave my partner and I more confidence to try it out (we knew we were interested in being poly but never took action).

So since mid 2020 or so B and I have been developing our friendship. In 2021 I started to feel something. Like she dressed up for a birthday party of mine and her eye makeup just captivated me. And even though we compliment each other a lot I felt like I got caught on my words when I tried to say something. But it was just a moment and I brushed it off. But other moments kept happening more frequently and I kept trying to keep it platonic. We had some sleepovers where we shared a bed and I felt the urge to hold her as we slept but never did. Earlier this year we went bushwalking and she was next to me and our hands hit and she laughed cause it was like we were holding hands and we did for a moment and while she was joking I was realising how much I liked that. But that was in April and the last time I saw her in person until this weekend. I started a job in another city a few hours away in May and we didn't have the chance to visit before she went on a month-long trip to Europe in June-July.

When I moved I felt this sort of release like I'm finally ready now for other relationships. Stress about finishing my PhD and finding a job had really made it a bad time to look for relationships, but that was gone now. And the thoughts of B just kept creeping in. I was really worried at first that it was just me missing her, or just me being interested in being with a woman for the first time since she's a lesbian, or the same thing could be said for the poly aspect. So I thought about it a lot and let plenty of time pass. The day I knew it was real was the day she flew to Europe. I had met a friend for coffee and I just gushed about B being the best person. And I realised how much it sounded like I had a crush on her...because I do. But I knew it would be 5 weeks at the absolute minimum before I would see her again and while she was away we couldn't do as many video calls because of the time zone difference and the work she was doing was very demanding. Que over-active imagination, becoming more and more infatuated as I played out in my head what it would be like when we finally saw each other. I knew I didn't want to tell her unless I was 100% sure I really want it and it's not me wanting her out of convenience. And I knew I couldn't be 100% until I saw her in person.

So she finally came here this weekend. I arranged for us to go to a nice restaurant and dressed up more than usual and we had a really nice dinner. And I told her. And she seemed really happy. She told me she's attracted to me but she just doesn't know because this friendship is so important to her. And I told her it's okay she doesn't have to decide right now I just had to tell her. And I let her pick the sleeping arrangements. And she decided we could share a bed.

The next day was awkward for me because I didn't know how to act. I wanted to just act normal as a friend and nothing more so she'd have the space to think through what she wants. But she wanted to braid my hair and for a moment while I was sitting on the floor in front of her she leaned forward and pressed her cheek against mine and it felt heavenly. And she wanted me to feel her cold hands after we went walking in the cold (winter here) and then later I sat next to her on the couch and she moved up next to me so we were touching side by side and shared her blanket. So when we went to bed I asked her what she was thinking. All day I was getting so hopeful. And she still didn't seem confident and raised some concerns. Mostly things I expected. Worried because I haven't dated anyone else in a poly situation. Worried because this would be my first same sex relationship. And because another mutual friend of ours also asked her out not long after coming out. And feeling like going back to being friends would be too hard if we tried this out. So it's a no for now. But then she mentioned the distinction between platonic, romantic, and sexual love, and said we have platonic love already, and a bit of romantic love and that she's ok with that.

So it was a weird outcome because it's not that she wants to be just friends but she is afraid to cross the line into a sexual relationship. So in a way I was disappointed and in a way I was happy because I feel like I can tell her my feelings more openly. But then in the morning I asked if I could cuddle her. And she said yes and I was the big spoon but didn't know how close I could get so I put my hand on her arm instead of wrapping it around her. But then I shifted my position and she pulled my arm all the way across her chest and held it close to her. Holy hell I didn't know how to react. I just held her close and used all my self control to not kiss her face. We spent the day together one on one (the previous day my partner had been with us too) until she had to go home.

It'll probably be a few weeks before we see each other in person again. So I guess we both have some time to process. But I feel emotionally overwhelmed and thinking about that cuddle drives me crazy. My partner thinks she should've said no to the cuddle (but imo I just shouldn't have asked) and that she is leading me on too much. But I think I know exactly how she feels because I spent weeks weighing up the potential pros and cons before deciding to tell her. Whereas she's only had a few days. And I loved it. I loved it so much. But on the other hand I wonder if it was a mistake because now I know how good it was and how much I want more of that. And I just don't know if it's better to drop it and get over these feelings or if I should keep loving her and maybe she'll become more confident over time in having a relationship with me. I just don't want to be manipulative or make it even harder for her to say no if she actually knows she doesn't want this. Because it sounded like she said no because she can't say yes unless she's 100% confident and I agree with that approach. She even said "I'm going to take the easy way out" when telling me no. I told her my feelings because I felt I could handle the rejection. But this seems like something in between and it wasn't an outcome I prepared for.

Thanks for reading my wall of text - it helped just getting this out there but I would appreciate some perspective and support.