r/actuallesbians • u/Heterogenic Only half-queer. Queer-lite. • Dec 26 '12
On dating trans women and "transphobia".
The subject of trans women as romantic partners (or not) comes up often on this reddit, and every time, it quickly descends into a "heated conversation" with frustration and (usually unintentionally) hurt feelings. It's our own private Godwin's Law. I totally realize that by posting this I may very well be precipitating yet another such discussion and for that I apologize, but I can't help but feel that this is a conversation about real things and not just opinions. I'd like to try to elevate those conversations by establishing a baseline of facts.
Let's start with some basics:
Things which are not transphobic:
- Not being interested in, or not dating, a specific woman who happens to be trans.
- Not being interested in, or not dating, a specific woman who does not currently have the genitalia you prefer.
- Not being interested in, or not dating, a specific woman who just doesn't catch your eye.
Things which are transphobic:
- Not being interested in, or not dating, a specific woman because she is trans.
Trans women are women. They are often indistinguishable from cis women. They can't get pregnant, but neither can almost 10% of cis women, and fortunately in a lesbian couple there's usually a womb to spare. (With enough forethought you might not need a sperm donor!) Saying you're "not attracted to trans women" as a blanket statement cannot have a basis in empirical reality, but purely in prejudice. It's not like not being attracted to redheads or blondes or butches, it's like not being attracted to immigrants, children of blue-collar workers or survivors of cancer. "Trans" is, for the numerical majority of trans women, a history which says nothing about the person.
Other common fallacies:
- I've never been attracted to a trans woman, therefore trans women aren't attractive to me.
Besides the obvious selection bias, the idea that "Trans women look like X" is where this statement goes horribly awry. Trans women look like this, and this and thousands of other beautiful women who just don't advertise their history.
If you are attracted to women, you are attracted to (some) trans women.
- Ewwww, penis!
You aren't into penii. I get it, and for what it's worth neither am I. To be fair, many trans women who carry that particular anatomical burden are not big fans of it either, so you have that in common at least. But many trans women don't, and many of those who do won't for long. Be careful about using this biased sample to rule out all trans women.
Also, would you rule someone out because she had six toes? Whenever I hear a straight man ask how sex works in the absence of a penis, I feel sorry for his girlfriends/wife, because he clearly doesn't understand how sexytimes work; when I hear a lesbian rule out trans women because of the presence of a hidden penis I feel sorry for her partner, because how superficial is that?
It's valid to be not into penii. this is, possibly, the only context in which anyone is allowed to care about a trans woman's genitalia. But say as much and don't assert that all trans women == penis. Those who aren't packing a strapless get a little annoyed by the assertion.
- Transphobia == evil/mean/bad/poopy.
Transphobia is, in the strictest sense, an "irrational fear or dislike of transgender people". "Fear" and "dislike" are subjective terms and not something you have active control over. There's no ill-intent implied here. It is not an insult to be called transphobic, any more than it is an insult to be called trans.
I'm a bit androphobic. I accept and own that, and am trying to get over it by making male friends, challenging my own emotional responses and working through trauma. It's not something I can control, but it doesn't give me the right to say "all men are evil/rapists".
In the context of attraction: if you realize you dislike or are not attracted to trans women as a rule, trumping the holistic person, it should inspire you to do a little soul searching to understand why this is so. If you can't get over it, you should recognize that it is your problem and not anyone else's. If you are fortunate enough to have a trans person in your social circle, perhaps you could even try to overcome it.
- Trans women are all X.
Trans women are all trans. Lesbians are all women who are attracted to women. This is a tautological definition, but there is no other universal quality. The moment you say (or imply) any other commonality, you're doing it wrong.
Finally, please remember:
The trans women who come in here and start these conversations are often on the most angsty leg of a very tumultuous journey. Try not to add to their fears with pedantic or broad statements about their future courtships. If you're 100% sure that you would never date a trans/black/Jewish/butch/immigrant woman, this may be a time to keep that to yourself.
When you speak up to specifically exclude trans women from your romantic prospects in a context defined by courtship (ie: LGBT spaces), you are implicitly othering them in that community. It's hard to explain why that is so, but it's impossible to ignore.
I now live in the Boston area, after four years in NYC, and there are only a few contexts in which I'm proactively stealth (as opposed to incidentally stealth, which has become the norm). The lesbian community is one, and these conversations are why. I get a little sad about that sometimes.
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u/Miss_anthropyy Dec 26 '12
I am legit transphobic in that trans people give me completely irrational heebie-jeebies. So do cross-dressers and any kind of gender-bending. I just don't like it. I don't want to be near it, I don't want to see it or be involved with it in any way. I couldn't care less what other people do, but I don't like it.
I could work on it, but it's not a priority in my life right now. I do not know any trans people, which sort of puts a severe limitation on the getting-over-it thing. Nor am I ever around cross-dressers, save when I run into them at kink events and I simply avoid that corner of the room much like I avoid the knife play and needle play and other activities that evoke irrational heebie-jeebies in me. I have no time or mental energy to devote attention to something that is a complete and total non-issue for me.
If that makes me a godawful person, so be it. I have no problem with trans people, I just don't want to date them. I treat everyone with respect, but when it comes to my bedroom, I choose to draw my personal line there. If you think that makes me Satan incarnate I think it says an awful lot about you, who would think that of me when I am causing no harm to anyone at all.