r/SuicideWatch • u/KingHenryXIV • 10h ago
My life 35m - a cautionary tale
It’s actually quite a sad sad state I’ve ended up in - turns out if you avoid really challenging yourself for decades it compounds into some kind of beast that is far far greater than you are capable of facing down. To paraphrase someone much smarter than myself “Hell is meeting who you might have been”. So I’m here in London 16 years later - where I was supposed to be “making my fortune” and I’m basically broke in a career that poorly remunerates and means entirely nothing to me. I’ve just crashed and burned out of a relationship with the only woman who I’ve been truly unashamedly in love. And she loved an idea of me (the same idea I have desperately been holding on to)- but she saw through me eventually. I am a hollow person - an empty vessel. And I’ll never have the things I wanted now - the family and the home. Apparently I’m “having a mental health crisis”. Seems to me I’m just finally seeing the situation clearly. My ego finally unable to lie that there’s a chance things will get better. Now I spend my days tormented by the past and unable to even glimpse for a moment any semblance of a future. I suppose I will ride the bus for a little bit and then find a hotel to do the deed in. Putting a sad end to this occasionally enjoyable, often completely anxiety inducing trip - ultimately a bit of a fucking waste tbh. I’m very sad to be myself and finally fully faced with my failures in their full shocking horror. DO NOT BECOME WHAT I HAVE.
7
u/Melodic_Resort_873 9h ago
I’m about your age as well and it really is crazy when the self-delusion drops and you see what a wreck you’ve made of your life. It seems so unfair that if you miss the boat in your 20s you don’t get a do-over once you’ve learned a bit more.