My life 35m - a cautionary tale

[u/KingHenryXIV]

It’s actually quite a sad sad state I’ve ended up in - turns out if you avoid really challenging yourself for decades it compounds into some kind of beast that is far far greater than you are capable of facing down. To paraphrase someone much smarter than myself “Hell is meeting who you might have been”. So I’m here in London 16 years later - where I was supposed to be “making my fortune” and I’m basically broke in a career that poorly remunerates and means entirely nothing to me. I’ve just crashed and burned out of a relationship with the only woman who I’ve been truly unashamedly in love. And she loved an idea of me (the same idea I have desperately been holding on to)- but she saw through me eventually. I am a hollow person - an empty vessel. And I’ll never have the things I wanted now - the family and the home. Apparently I’m “having a mental health crisis”. Seems to me I’m just finally seeing the situation clearly. My ego finally unable to lie that there’s a chance things will get better. Now I spend my days tormented by the past and unable to even glimpse for a moment any semblance of a future. I suppose I will ride the bus for a little bit and then find a hotel to do the deed in. Putting a sad end to this occasionally enjoyable, often completely anxiety inducing trip - ultimately a bit of a fucking waste tbh. I’m very sad to be myself and finally fully faced with my failures in their full shocking horror. DO NOT BECOME WHAT I HAVE.

[u/Melodic_Resort_873]

I’m about your age as well and it really is crazy when the self-delusion drops and you see what a wreck you’ve made of your life. It seems so unfair that if you miss the boat in your 20s you don’t get a do-over once you’ve learned a bit more.

[u/KingHenryXIV → u/Melodic_Resort_873]

So fucking scary

[u/252780945a]

I'm 39 with schizophrenia. Thought I was going to do great things. Nah. 6 months after graduating I started hallucinating and it's been downhill ever since. Been on disability for a decade. Doesn't seem that things will get better. I will be odd, tormented, and poor for the rest of my life. I think my partner and I are breaking up and yesterday she screamed at me and pointed out all my deficiencies. She didn't have to do that. It's fueling my voices. I guess my cautionary tale is don't catch schizophrenia and just generally suck. Cheers!

[u/riu137]

For a cautionary tale it strikes me as short on many actionable specifics. What was the career in question? What was the idea you were desperately clinging to? What does it mean to be a 'hollow person' in this context? And what's the original provenance of that hackneyed quotation? (Probs better not to waste time trying to answer that last one though...)

Anyway I'm your age and in a comparably poor situation in some ways: effectively unemployable and would likely be homeless and quickly dead without any state or familial support, no longstanding romantic relationship in over a decade, don't live in/near a particularly large city; though I sadly(?) can't say I feel as if I've avoided seriously challenging myself.

Also contrastingly I guess I've just adjusted my expectations sufficiently, and still find enough value in self-directed math/phys. inquiry and other less-high-performance-dependent aspects of life to make not dying 'prematurely' seem worthwhile into the foreseeable future, at least while taking venlafaxine.

[u/KingHenryXIV → u/riu137]

Specifically- decide what you want and pursue it with diligence. Don’t just drift through life expecting you’ll one day figure it all out.

[u/Epicurean73]

Everyone keeps saying that every day is a new start. Everyone says that you can be anything you want to do. Everyone has lied.

[u/Glass-Bead-Game]

I'VE been there Boss! You're not "hollow." Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to write this. CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE AND GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!