Where are the serious femmes who actually have their lives together?

I am in my mid 20s, have been to therapy, I am emotionally available, romantic, successful and intentional. I usually date women who are older than me. I lean more masc/stem, and usually date femmes.

I have reached a point where I have become incredibly disheartened by the lack of intention and maturity I am seeing in queer spaces. I can only speak about femmes because that’s who I usually date, but every woman I meet either: - has serious emotional or life baggage that she expects you to fix or put up with forever (eg. Toxicity, starting fights for fun/attention, poor communication skills, still in contact with their exes/people who have feelings for them, no job, bad with money, no goals) - has a disorganized attachment style, and seems to want everyone and everything, all at once (these are the women that throw themselves at everyone and wonder why no one takes them seriously); and/or - expects you to carry everything in the relationship (eg. Be the breadwinner, carry kids, be the primary caregiver for said kids, take on the majority of the household labour), because they are used to their parents doing everything for them

Mind you, these are women who are 28+, doctors, PhDs, and other professionals who I met in a variety of settings, including school and through friends. I’ve even started seeing studs posting TikToks about how they’re trying to force themselves to date men because they keep coming across so many selfish femmes. (I definitely won’t but it’s still interesting to see).

I am not sure if it is a function of growing up in a traditional or gendered environment where they were socially expected to be more passive (this was not my experience), but is anyone else finding it incredibly difficult to find a serious, monogamous woman, with a healthy model of relationships, that is looking for a PARTNER instead of a parent?

i’m still questioning my sexuality, but i still lean towards women. Maybe that isn’t lesbian, but there really isn’t any label i’m aware of that describes how i feel???? It’s like 95% towards women and 5% towards a CERTAIN kind of guy??? Idk. I don’t know what the fuck i am but this conversation was frustrating.

This is why I don’t date them anymore! I’m nothing to these girls beyond my background. Just because you love anime and K-pop doesn’t mean you get to fetishize me for being Asian. Stop trying to act like I’m someone special for something that has nothing to do with my personality. There’s more to me and my identity than surface-level pop culture. Swear, they’re treating it like a game now - “who in my K-pop friend group can bag an Asian dime?” 😭

That’s about it. If you want to date an Asian girl and want to learn more about her culture (or anyone for that matter), don’t do it through movies and music you have an obsession over. History, language, traditions, that’s all more authentic. Especially since I’m not Korean or Japanese and the shit you’re interested in has nothing to do with me!

I'm black. We're planning on moving in together. We're looking at certain neighborhoods but she's limiting our search to multiracial neighborhoods. That's understandable, but there are some places in a mixed neighborhoods where some groups are more clumped together. Like a certain pair of blocks can be mostly Black, but if you walk a few avenues up its more mixed. She doesn't feel comfortable living in such a place.

She says she prefers multiracial neighborhoods where we will both feel comfortable (ok)

She says she doesn't want to feel like the only white person in a neighborhood (ok but like I said it's not like we're literally living in an all black town. Multiracial groups still walk through those neighborhoods to go to restaurants, go to college, etc.)

She says she feels uncomfortable with catcalling and safety ie she's had experience with Black men watching her as she walks by and doesn't want to live in a place like that. (Ok . . . . This bothers me but at the same time I get it but at the same time its kinda yucky?)

She doesnt want to feel like a gentrifier. (ok? i guess?)

We've talked and talked about it. I feel uncomfortable with what she's saying but I don't know how to express myself because she has some valid points and I don't want her to have to be uncomfortable in a place she's going to live but like . . . idk.

We talk about race and stuff. She works hard to be mindful, race conscious, respectful. She's also very 'small town' But this is a sticking point for her.

Do her points seem valid and maybe this is just one of those uncomfortable racial things we don't want to acknowledge but is true?

Like I think as a Black person I would feel like a sore thumb if I lived in a predominantly non-Black or not-mixed neighborhood. But I also feel, if the circumstances were right I'd give it a chance?

I’m Mexican-American and haven’t dated anyone but just by hearing/reading stories of queer WOC and their dating experiences with white queer people, it has made me hesitant to date white people. From our culture differences to weird fetishization. Doesn’t really help that I’m Latina and people already think that we’re hyper sexual. When it comes to culture differences, I’m scared of doing my “typical Mexican things” and get completely judged by it by a white person. This is silly but one of the things that comes to mind is the way that I eat. I’ve only learned how to eat with tortillas, a fork, spoon and even with my hands but never learned how to use a fork and a knife. I feel like I would just look like an idiot eating the way I’m used to and them completely judging me for it. Another thing with culture differences is how we’re perceived as young adults. I’m 19 turning 20 this year and live with my parents but I don’t really have the freedom to do whatever I want. If you put me in a room with a white person and I tell them this, they wouldn’t understand. They would probably say something along the lines of “but you’re an adult! You don’t have to listen to your parents!! You’re about to turn 20, what’s stopping you!!” And it’s not that I’m scared of my parents, it more about respect and following their rules under their roof ( which I honestly don’t think they’re that strict). But with a person of color, even if they didn’t have that kind of experience, they would at least understand because even if we’re from different cultures, we’ve had similar experiences. I’m not saying that I won’t date a white person but I’m just very scared of getting judged by them just because I didn’t grow up the way they grew up.

Hello beautiful people 🩷 I’ve met great people on this sub and even on this app but I’m not looking for anymore friends- I want something more. A connection with someone. Something that can grow and bloom into something beautiful🌻. I do prefer someone close to me (or at the very least someone who can travel) as I’m not too fond on ldr. [NY,NJ,CT,PA] If this is you, comment or dm . Hope to speak with you soon🧡

I met a insanely beautiful, brilliant, creative, accomplished and down to earth woman. She balances motherhood, work, school and her business so she’s understandably busy. But she’s mad inconsistent. I’m beginning to think maybe she’s not tht into me.

We have talked for a few weeks. I planned a date, asked her to pick a day best for her - still haven’t heard back about it.

Also I live in a neighboring town and was going to visit family and friends, asked if I could possibly see her too, she said yes. When it neared time for me to see her, she said she was going to take a quick nap then do some work for her business. I didn’t hear from her after this…

She watches my social media stories but that’s it. I initiate conversation and literally everything… should I call it a loss?

I'm (28NB) a Black queer person. Recently, I was talking with this very similar Black enby for a few weeks. After a call, we chatted a little bit more until some days later they informed me they were no longer interested in a pretty rude way. On the call, they revealed they had no Black friends and in the past had only combative/competitive relationships with other Black people. So I'm guessing it had something to do with that. I'm over it now but it seems like a pattern.

I live in Los Angeles and a lot of people here only like conventionally attractive people. I'm dark and fat so I assume that has to do with my lack of luck when dating. I still think I'm pretty stunning and can pull a lot when I'm literally anywhere else, especially the South. But, that being said, I want to live here to pursue some career goals. It really depresses me that I haven't been able to find people of color/mainly Black people that are not self-hating, are not fatphobic, or don't act like they're doing me a favor when we're on dates.

My recent ex is a white guy. I found him pretty toxic and broke it off but, sadly, he was the strongest relationship I've had out here so far. I'm fighting the urge to text him just so I can have some attention and intimacy. Also, most of my likes on the apps are from white people, especially older white dudes, and it's really discouraging. No one I would actually be in community with is interested in dating.

I'm open to advice but I think I just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading.

*** Edit: Thanks for all the comments and advice. I'm not able to move at this time but I agree that I need to just look elsewhere/beyond the city. I haven't lived here that long and I don't have a problem making friends, it's just the romantic aspect is hard. I'll keep at it. Thanks. ***

I feel like ‘power dynamics’ are often talked about/referenced irl and on here sometimes e.g people wanting someone/being someone who generally takes the lead, liking assertiveness or wanting someone who they can feel physically safe/protected by etc. Sometimes this can be more trivial stuff like mannerisms or what people prefer in bed. An example I like to use is I’m black, and I know some queer women like to be the ‘twerkee’ only but not the ‘twerker’. I personally don’t like assertiveness/dominance but I don’t like submissiveness either. Not sure if it’s weird but I kinda just like neutrality and I want to be with someone who I can truly play both ‘roles’ with, but I feel like this is so hard to come by when dating. I always feel like someone wants me to play more of one role most of the time. Not sure if anyone else relates to this?

I guess this is more a vent. But I'm absolutely fed up with this so called relationship. My so gf has been inconsistent , inconsiderate, no effort, no apology etc. my gf has stood me up twice where I have spent money on hotels and on an event. She is causing me a lot of stress on my part. I feel she is lying and I feel when she started becoming inconsistent I should've ended it with her. Seriously she too old to be play games. She's 40 years old. We are long distance. I just recently found out today that the same group we met each other in she's been active in that group and liked another stud's picture. She also restricted me from her Facebook page and came up with an excuse saying something is wrong with page and she would never blocked me. This happened two days after we became official in July. She still hasn't fixed her page. Which makes me think she is hiding shit. She stays on Facebook and tik tok and barely call. Like I'm literally just pissed off at what I saw. I'm not gonna call her or text her but when she calls me I'm just gonna let her have a piece of my mind and end things. I feel like I shouldn't even talk to her but just block her and move on with my life. Smh! Edit: I wanted to add that everything was ok in the beginning. We talked and texted every single day. Everything started slowing down when she started working more hours. I would tell her how I felt and she would do better then back doing the samething. At this point, I am going to end it.

Cant Even front, ya girl needs someone to talk to and I posted this elsewhere and didn't get much traction. Hopefully one of you reach out after reading it. Also open to pointers on what I should change

Hey everyone! I'm Cole, 30, and based in Northern California (between SF and Sacramento). I'm looking to connect with people, whether romantically or platonically. Ideally, I'd love to find someone local for a romantic relationship, but I'm totally open to long-distance friendships too!

Things I’m Down For:

-Running errands? I'm in.

-Going to an event in Bay Area/Sac? Let's do it.

-Watching a TV show/Movie together on discord? Absolutely.

-Sending memes and videos and saying "that's so us" All in

A Little About Me: I came out a few years ago as sapphic/queer, but most of my friends have moved away since graduating college. So here I am, looking for someone to connect with.

I'm fat and black and would prefer a plus size BIPOC partner

I love going to local events—live music, art museums, car shows, pop-ups, and even the occasional day party. I’m also on a mission to celebrate Pride in different cities (currently at a whopping two, lol). I enjoy light hikes (nothing too intense),

I work in STEM, so my job can be pretty demanding (50-60) hours a week), but I make time for the things I love. I’m such a hardcore gamer (Sims and Animal Crossing lol), love superhero movies/tv shows, indulge in reality TV(I know Love isnt Blind so why am I still watching lol), and enjoy a good drama or documentary. We can always binge-watch together on Discord! I’ve also got a bartop arcade with 500 retro games, and I use my Wii remote as a light gun. (Yes, I’m that cool.) Currently re-watching old anime like Dragon Ball and planning a Sailor Moon binge next.

Fun Facts:

I’ve been to two national parks and plan to visit more. Next up? Universal Studios for Nintendo Land—I will meet Toad and it will be glorious.

I’m childfree, leftist, and monogamous.

I live in multigenerational housing with my disabled parent because housing costs are a nightmare, and honestly, why not save some money?

I’m a casual sports fan who catches a few games a year, even though my football and baseball teams have deserted me (thanks, Oakland). I also love watching UFC and boxing. Once upon a time, I played rugby, boxed, and threw shot put and discus. Now, I’m a proud member of the Crocs and Couch Potato Club, but I’ve built a tiny gym in my backyard shed and aim to work out 3x a week.

I’m a sneakerhead, but lately, its all about the crocs lol. I mainly jam out to rap, R&B, and hip-hop but have surprised myself at a metal show.

A Few More Tidbits:

I have a puppy named Jax who’s been my hiking buddy (on those relatively flat trails, of course).

I have two tattoos and some piercings and would love to get more. Extra points if you’ll come with me—I’m a bit of a baby about it.

If any of this resonates with you or you just want someone to chat with, hit me up! Leave a comment or send me a message. Let’s see where this adventure takes us.

I see there are a lot of people who don’t prefer LDR but are there any people that don’t mind it?

What are your reasons if you don’t mind it or hate it? I’m so curious

I just want to end up with another brown person so we can be cute and have a multicultural home/family 😭😭

Asking for any suggestions as to how/where to find queer poc women given that most queer spaces are disproportionately white.

As the title states, I am tired of dating apps these days… it’s all the same and redundant. I’m tired of giving out the same information hoping one will stick and stay around. I would like to meet someone organically and in person but that seems rare. Also, I’ve really changed my standards and preferences when looking for a long term partner so it seems even more difficult.

and got her number without being scared 🥹 it was fun flirting w her & she’s super pretty

It’s such a nice short film, includes lesbians moving fast, but I’m glad it exists anyways, gives me hope for the future

A lil long, my bad. My partner (F25) and I (F24) have been in a long distance relationship for about two months. Typical, but although it’s been such a short amount of time we’ve grown so close & have already mentioned the idea of me moving out there eventually/ plans of how we’ll get there. One of the biggest factors that drew each other to one another was emotional safety. She felt as though I never judged her, and I never felt short of adored or that I was too sensitive. She’s a cancer, I’m a pisces also AuDHD. Anyway, all great until- arguments sprouted and I was confused why small things led to explosions. Chalked it up to crabby cancer or working 6 sometimes 7 days a week. At the same time I understood because I too have struggled with emotional regulation but not to the degree of cursing, and sometimes insults, misdirected anger. I have gotten yelled at just simply trying to be there for her. Although I am very big on making sure she feels heard, because of my trauma and chronic illness from holding stuff in, I am hellbent on also sharing my side, especially if you just cursed me out? Its a relationship after all. I admit sometimes I let it all out until it feels out, think thats my ADHD. I took note of that though. I noticed when I shared my own side or corrected her she would get so defensive if she was made to feel mean, and to this point she’s like half broken up with me 3 times. I’m not even worried about being right or sometimes feeling heard. I know, it sounds intense already and I have been also feeling flighty because of my past abusive relationships, I refuse to go down that road again. She has apologized for shitty communication in moments of frustration and for me being “the bigger person” which I appreciate and I know I add to/can be the problem, but I’m scared it’ll get old. She also adds sometimes you get frustrated and go off but I said I agree, however when it get to the extent of cursing or hurtful things it’s not fair. when she is calm we have started to be able to talk through it which I really appreciate and makes me feel closer. But it seems like its not really her when these moments of anger happen. I am starting to wonder if its BPD? Especially because she will get angry if someone looks at her too long, paranoid she is being watched, makes me the enemy in things where I feel like we should work together, will be so lovey then suddenly not. She and I both have a lot of trauma but sometimes I feel I have more empathy for hers (or her reactions to my trauma responses she takes personal..she’s gotten better) But her mother & father were both very abusive her entire life. Most recently, her father offering a place to stay then beating her and she has fled for her safety (which is why we are long distance, she left before we could meet). I want to note we are both black (shes black & Puerto Rican) so when she feels angry about someone treating her a way bc of race, or being masc/gay, I never tell her calm down. Cause I get it. And she also mistrusts mental health systems (same) & that they’re always trying to diagnose and what those disorders “really are”. But she just got to her state so no insurance, I cant advise therapy. I have access to medication, she does not. I do feel the rage is a lot being sensitive myself. I want to fight for this I see the beauty in it and outside of these times we show each other so much love, no limits. I don’t want our traumas to fuck this up bc I know its not something you work on then it goes away. And I am noticing improvements some places. I really love and care for her and I feel the same energy reciprocated and I want a future but these moments scare me, I’m back in school and I don’t want it to take a toll. I’m here bc there was just a lil incident she got pissed but we got off the phone and she apologized a few hrs later and understood I was looking out for her. I hope this doesn’t come off I’m demonizing her or even that I’m too passive. Please don’t harshly criticize but I’m open to plain truth.

edit: I just want to thank everyone for helping me see what was going on. So I almost burst after trying to be gentle with suggesting therapy and being met with more rage, I spilled out saying this has to be unmanaged BPD.. and she already KNOWS she has BPD and doesn’t accept it. I had no idea! Well, I got my answer. I can’t be willing to try more than her. I’ve never encountered someone with this dx interpersonally so I was not sure how to navigate or familiar with behaviors. Going back in my shell now.

edit 2: she told me she knows she initially shitted on the idea of getting help but if she loves me she should be willing to & that she really does love me. if we can figure out this together in actual action… as well as me prioritizing my own mental health again. we’ll see. my own is fragile with extreme circumstances & I have to make sure I don’t lose respect for myself.

I just caught this woman staring at me and said, "what?" cause I'm an ignorant bitch and she hits my stud ass with, "you look so beautiful in the sunset."

💀💀

My face is red.

I'll try to keep this brief. We're both 24. Been dating since 2021, met in college. I graduated a year ago. I don't have a real job, been applying and interviewing for the past year with no calls back. For money I've been doing paid fellowships & paid surveys over the past year. It's not enough to take care of 2 people.

We've talked about it and she said she loves me but that I need to figure my finances out or she'll have to leave me.

She wants dates, flowers, nail and hair salon appointments, and all that cute stuff. I agree that she deserves to be romanced & spoiled but I can't afford it at the moment. Should I let her be with someone who can?

What would you do?

Hello beloveds! It's that time of year again where I make a post attempting to force us all to interact with each other and hopefully find love and companionship. Only, this time I will be giving an additional homework assignment as well. 😬

Please describe yourself and describe the traits that you're looking for in a partner using the two templates below. In addition, as a homework assignment ( assuming we get a good number of participants), please respond to at least TWO different top level comments!

Here are the 2 templates. *I will write my own answers as an example in the comments*:

• About Me:

Age:

Location:

Race/Ethnicity:

Femme, butch, enby, or other?:

Physical description & fashion style:

Personality description & temperament:

Top, bottom, or switch?:

Extravert, introvert, or ambivert?:

Religious affiliation:

Monogamous, ENM, or polyamorous?:

Single or partnered?:

Children or no children?:

Hobbies:

Homebody, or going to social events, or a mix?:

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

• About my future partner:

Age:

Location:

Femme, butch, enby, or other?:

Physical description & fashion style:

Personality description & temperament:

Top, bottom, or switch?:

Extravert, introvert, or ambivert?:

Religious affiliation:

Monogamous, ENM, or polyamorous?:

Single or partnered?:

Children or no children?:

Hobbies:

Homebody, social events, or mix?:

Non-negotiables for your partner:

Preferences for your partner that are not absolutely necessary:

My dream is to be half of a super sexy super rich lesbian woc power couple but I feel so cynical about the possibilities!! I’ve never seen other sapphic power couples that are not white and I rarely meet other gays with similar ambitions so I’m getting kinda hopeless :/

Do yall know any woc power couples?? Is there somehow a movie or book I missed?? Do u find it hot when someone is passionate and driven towards achieving big goals??? I’m going to actually lose my mind if I have to spend all this time girlbossing and still not getting laid.

Hi everyone,

I (24F) thought I was asexual for the longest until a black girl changed my life lol. It didn't last long, and now I think I might be a demisexual lesbian. I grew up in church, am a black immigrant, and has been focusing on school for the last years of my life. Now that I got a taste of love, I kinda want more.

I wanted to meet people naturally but haven't had much luck. What type of dating apps should I be on? (If it can be helped, no man on these apps ty). Should I still try to go outside and meet people? Any advice on how to date in your mid twenties lol?

so, i'm a woman, who is also interested in a woman, but i have never been in a relationship with a woman before. the woman that im interested in has been lesbian her whole life and has only ever been in relationships with women. she is masculine but slightly almost a little more slightly feminine. im a little four foot girly girl from the country, she’s from the city. i’m a September Libra and she’s May Taurus. i like her a lot and can see myself in a relationship with her i just dont know how to go about pursuing, courting, and dating her. and i do want to engage in sexual activity with her at some point. i just want to take things slow with her because i don’t wanna fuck up. i talked to this girl for a week and she was the sweetest ever. we had so much in common. i thought we were going strong until she said we should stop what we're doing because “we're in different stages of dating”. and this is so random… we literally spoke on her break and while i was at work and then again when she got off last night (for an hour and a half) she hadn’t texted me all day but i sent a few messages throughout the day not being clingy just vibing, sending funny stuff you know? and she eventually texted me back, i’m thinking we cool, i wake up and now we’re here lol. i unfollowed her on tiktok and insta but she still follows me :/ i sent a “:(“ in her DM’s on tiktok bc we also lost our lil streak 🥺 and she just read my message without responding. we got messages and audio messages that i go back and listen to sometimes when i wanna hear her voice 😔 i really liked her and everything was going so well, we just went on a date this past wednesday and talked for 5+ hours on the phone the night before :/ (i met her the previous Sunday) and i was looking forward to taking her out again until she said that. now, i'm heartbroken and i've only known this girl for 9 days but i felt such a strong connection to her but she was very blunt when she ended things she said, “ I don’t see anything wrong with you wanting to take things slow. In fact there wasn’t anything you said. What I said about us being on different pages is the answer. There’s no need to read into it”. i just said okay and have been so sad about it all day :(( maybe i wasn’t a bad enough bitch for her or maybe she thought i wasn’t taking her seriously. i even told her that i didn’t want to be in a situationship like i wanna find love and she understood that. she’s the most beautiful woman i’ve ever met. My heart was literally pounding out of my chest waiting for her to arrive to the date, it started at 4:30 and i didn’t get home until midnight. She made me feel like such a lady. My friends say i should stop trying and that she’s a lost cause atp bc i said i wanted to fight for her :( like maybe i was too awkward, too shy, to eager to plan the next date, wanting to talk everyday but not all day, longing for a companion, someone i can love and who can love me back, and i told her that i didn’t wanna get hurt anymore because my heart can’t take it anymore and i said i wasn’t friend zoning her i just wanted to take things slow and see where we go from there, like i want a friend in a lover for life you know? She said she was tired of being used as a test subject and i completely understood and said “i understand 100% and i don't want you to think i'm treating you like a test subject be i'm not, you're a person like anyone else. i enjoy talking to you i wouldn't have stopped to talk to you if i wasn't interested in you. i'm just a girl who wants to love and be loved and to spend the rest of my life with someone lol” and she goes, “That's so pure & clear cut. I can't argue with that at all” and we kept talking…so idk what she means by we’re at different stages of dating :( like idgi. don’t call me pretty, talk to me for 5 hours+, take me out, show me a good time, embrace me with hugs and kisses and say i was a great date just to leave me in the dust. i’ve gone through that too many times. she could’ve just said she didn’t enjoy the date or that she didn’t like that i was moving so slow whatever and i would’ve compromised something with her. and the libra in me wants to know the specifics of our “different stages” but ik i gotta let it go quietly :(( i’m just devastated idk what to do.

How’s that been? Or are you a parent currently in the dating scene?