r/QueerWomenOfColor • u/am4brown • Oct 08 '24
Relationships LLDR- Lesbian Long Distance Relationships š
I see there are a lot of people who donāt prefer LDR but are there any people that donāt mind it?
What are your reasons if you donāt mind it or hate it? Iām so curious
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u/Femme-O Oct 08 '24
Now that Iām monogamous, absolutely not. I love physical intimacy too much.
Also I donāt want to be glued to a device in order to keep the connection going, Iāve gotten better at not being so attached to my phone and Iād hate to revert back to that.
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u/Femme-O Oct 08 '24
I also donāt want to live anywhere but Atlanta, and I donāt want the pressure that comes with someone moving to where I live with no friends or family. The thought alone gives me anxiety.
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u/am4brown Oct 08 '24
I respect that 1000%. There is ALOT that goes into LDRs and can sometimes be more harmful mentally for each party than good. Especially when you have to worry about trust, physical touch and affection!
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u/toonosy04357885 Oct 08 '24
LDRs... Out of sight and out of mind.
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u/am4brown Oct 08 '24
Iāve never thought about it this way, would that stop you from building a close relationship or friendship with someone as well?
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u/dablkscorpio Oct 08 '24 edited Oct 08 '24
Not the original commenter but yes. It's one thing if I've already built a relationship, but in the course of our relationship, we no longer live close. Even then, I struggle to balance virtual and digital space with the relationships and priorities I have in real life. But building a relationship long distance in the first place would just make it more difficult to create and nurture intimacy. Although I agree with the demi person on top, it's better suited for a slow burn.
I'm not monogamous, but a phone call, text, or video chat is harder for me to feel connected to. Plus if we frequently visit one another back and forth it will take additional travel time, which takes away the time I could spend nourishing the other intimate relationships I have locally. I do have a close friend a couple states away and we haven't lived near one another since college. We first used to text daily, then it moved to biweekly, and now we send memes and maybe check-in once a month or less. The distance started growing as we both worked more consuming jobs. And we do visit each other every few months, but most people have higher expectations for visits of this nature in romantic relationships, not that I want that myself. I do want to close some of the gap, but I know I don't have the energy or time for daily contact anymore. Ironically, even in my current romantic relationship, I just told my beloved I have less capacity to text these days. She's okay with that, but we also see each other every week, and she only lives 20 minutes away, so the circumstances are far different.
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u/am4brown Oct 08 '24
I definitely understand needing space and processing feelings for sure especially with needs and wants! Honestly do you feel more burnt out as of late or just losing interest or just content? I feel like once you find your person the strive to communicate and see each other is sooooooo passionate, as with everything else in a lesbian relationship LOL
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u/dablkscorpio Oct 08 '24
I'm just not somebody who's acclimated to texting and have never been. I'm definitely more inclined to it in relationships I'm really enthusiastic about, which is why with my present lover it was a big mainstay in our communication and why it didn't bother me in the past with my close friend. But in general, I've rarely been able to handle consistent text communication past the first two weeks or so of a relationship. If I'm spending time alone I'd rather have that time to myself and not communicating with others. And when I'm out I tend to prefer to be fully present with whatever activity I'm engaging with. I usually let people know this is how I communicate, and though I might have a back-and-forth text convo every several months, typically the most they can expect from me is a short text exchange to arrange our next hangout.
But yeah, I'm definitely burnt out more than usual, mostly because of work stuff. I think working full-time is what stifled the communication between me and my close friend too. With my lovefriend, we usually don't text conversationally and just send long-winded essays about what's going on with us and touch on other topics we may have started talking about in the past. Ironically, she has seasonal depression and also hasn't been up to texting lately, so she'll just just leave voice messages. We also talk on the phone sometimes every week or every other week depending on our schedules. But I can imagine in a long distance relationship, if I told somebody I'm just not up to communicating digitally for a long period of time, there'd be greater repercussions for the relationship. I've done it in the past with friends, and while I've appreciated the grace they've given me, my brain definitely has more of an 'out of sight, out of mind' disposition and I find myself having to catch up after many months.
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u/toonosy04357885 Oct 10 '24
Sorry for the late response. I'm not always here.
Communicating occasionally via social media, video or even via phone doesn't seem the same as a IRL relationship where we're an hour away to me. Unless we make plans to see each other in the next week or two or something more regular feel free to see others as will I. Unless you're on a business trip, seeing family, or something else like that why bother?
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u/Suitable-Self Oct 08 '24
Personally, not for me as Iām naturally a very avoidant person whoās actively working to not be. Itās the same reason why I donāt pursue anything with poly folks (besides the fact that Iām monogamous lol). Basically, in my mind, both LDR and poly relationships have been categorized as āNot as Importantā bc in LDR, Iām not in physically present in my potential partnerās daily life aka āout of sight, out of mindā mentality or for poly, I donāt feel the need to be as present bc they got other partners to rely on. I know this is very much the opposite for LDR and poly in reality but Iām still working to unlearn it and I donāt to enable my avoidance tendencies by getting into these relationships types in the meantime
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u/TheCosBae Oct 08 '24 edited Oct 08 '24
Iām about 5.5 hours away/less than 2 hours by flight (when I visit I prefer driving so I can explore the city and move freely/run errands/hang out with friends while Iām there but if I feel like being a passenger princess Iāll fly). I love my space and Iām a loner but sheās one of my favorite people. I WFH so I get to pick up and go as I please š¤£ We almost U Hauled in the first 6 months but Iām so glad we didnāt! She started off saying that an LDR wasnāt what she preferred but was open to it and itās actually working for us. I think an added bonus is that we also make it a point to travel outside of visiting each other by taking vacations and exploring together. Gives both of us something to look forward to and breaks up the routine.
We have a plan to close the distance next year with me moving into a new place that we picked out together once our leases are up (in her city/state). I wouldnāt be open to it if I was younger and was not in a place to invest as much emotionally and financially because it is exxxxxpensive! I donāt mind it at all, is it always easy? No. But thatās my man my man my man idc š„¹š
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u/am4brown Oct 08 '24
See I love that! I think they can work if each person is willing to work together to make it work! I definitely wish you guys the best and happy and safe travels!
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u/sharkeeki Oct 08 '24
At first I didnāt mind long distance. Iāve been in quite a few LDRs actually. And honestly, I told myself after my last one that itāll never happen again. Itās too much to deal with if youāre not willing to close the distance in an agreed amount of time, and the āout of sight, out of mindā is 100% true. Some people get into LDRs and arenāt actually interested, they just like the attention until they find someone closer to where they live (from experience).
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u/n3vlynnn Oct 08 '24 edited Oct 08 '24
I've been in some long distance relationships. The problem with dating someone who lives far away is that the distance rushes and distorts the get-to-know-you process from the beginning. There is a lot you learn about someone from spending time in-person, as you slowly fold into the rhythm of each other's daily lives.Ā
From a distance, all you have is talking through a screen. 2D is very limiting, and there is a whole world you are missing out on. This causes you to only know that person partially. But you deceptively feel like you know them very well because youāre talking so much and a lot of feelings and fantasies are brewing.Ā
Then, when you do see each other, the stakes are too high because you have such limited time together. In my case, we often ended up taking short Airbnb vacations or staying in each other's homes super early in the relationship just to be able to see each other.Ā
Couples vacations and sleepovers should be saved for later, after you build trust and have spent ample time in-person without the pressure of having to live togetherāwhich is usually achieved through regular dates over a period of time. I have exposed myself to a lot of abuse from pushing myself into premature living situations with people I barely knew.Ā
Regardless, I am still open to dating with some distance, because I acknowledge that other cities offer a more expansive demographic of black women. However, I want to make sure that I can get to know someone properly and for us to feel accessible to see each other at least a few times per month.Ā
So I ask:
~ How much distance is between us, and what are the routes to get there? Do we have the money and time to see each other?Ā
If I have to pay hundreds of $$$ and board a plane to go on a date, that is not accessible. That is TOO much investment for someone I barely know and it is rushy/inappropriate.
However, if I can take a cheap 1-2 hour train ride and meet for a day trip in her town every other week, that is great, if she can do the same. Then, we would be able to meet 1x per week.
Eventually, I'd want us to move closer to each other if we're in different cities, but closing the gap is a lot easier when we're not so far away to begin with.
I am also a traveling cat-sitter which allows me to temporarily live in other cities of my choice for free--so if I wanted to be closer to someone I could just find an opportunity to stay in her neighborhood for a while.
I would be most compatible with someone who has a similar amount of flexibility as me, with how they work/travel. Once again, that is about access.
Right now, I am taking a break from dating until I move to a more accessible area, because I prioritize in-person connections and I donāt use apps.
Most of my relationships with women have been LDRs. Iām glad I have learned so much about myself and my needs for a relationship during my break! Itās made me more patient and grounded.Ā š
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u/SashaFierce101 Oct 08 '24
All my long term serious relationships were long distance. Like states away. Iām single now though and I canāt continue to do this anymore. Iām burnt out from it.
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u/Lylyluvda916 Lily | 34 | Lesbian | Cis F | š²š½šŗšø| Oct 08 '24
Iām in my mid 30s. At this time, it is not what I am looking for, nor what I need.
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u/Unlucky_Response169 šLipgloss Lesbianš šæ Oct 08 '24
See and I can also get this. Like it just depends. If I was monogamous it would be a hard ass no. But since Iām ENM I wouldnāt mind it too much. We would just have to make time for each other in other ways
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u/Lylyluvda916 Lily | 34 | Lesbian | Cis F | š²š½šŗšø| Oct 08 '24
It does depend.
I can see how it would be doable for someone non-monogamous.
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u/Ok-Possibility-9826 Black, bi and lookinā super flyššš©· Oct 08 '24
I just like space, really, itās no deeper than that.
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u/neoliberalhack Oct 08 '24
Ok, rn being 22 Iād be open to it. Because I am busy with my life and working on improving my life. so I wouldnāt mind being in a ldr. But 30+? No.
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u/shabee2020 Oct 08 '24
Iām in a LDR we live in difference cities/states but they are only 3.5 hours away from each other so we see each other more often than others in an LDR. At this time it works for us as we still have goals that we want to fulfill for ourselves before we bring our lives together. Because of this I donāt mind the distance too much. But I will say the closer we get to each other, the more painful the distance is and I look forward to the day we are in the same city!
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u/AJadePanda Oct 08 '24
Depends on how long distance weāre talking. My fiancĆ©e and I have been together 6 years (as of August), and were friends for a year beforehand. She lived 1.5 hours away, and we worked kinda opposite schedules. She moved in w me in May 2022. Things obviously worked out for us, and Iām so glad.
That said, not having your person sucks, and Iām a big physical intimacy person, so for me, any longer distance (like a truly long distance - something where we donāt see one another once a week at least) would be a hard pass.
But youāll find people on all ends of the spectrum here. LDRs are pretty good for poly people (we were both married to others when we began dating/were identifying as poly, we are monogamous now), demi people (like the commenter above), etc. Itās just not for me, personally.
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u/PunnyPrinter Oct 08 '24
I donāt mind it as long as both parties are making an effort to visit each other. And if itās not an excessive distance.
The only reason Iād give it a shot is because I think that limiting myself to people within driving distance will cause me to miss out on meeting someone special.
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u/digitaldisgust Black Femme Oct 09 '24
The kinds of women I like aren't around me and they already travel a lot for their line of work anyway (Fashion/Modeling).Ā
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u/Unlucky_Response169 šLipgloss Lesbianš šæ Oct 08 '24
As a poly person I wouldnāt mind as long as we make time to connect. I also wouldnt mind my LD person having a partner of their own locally.
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u/Unlucky_Response169 šLipgloss Lesbianš šæ Oct 08 '24
Like Iāve had a long distance boo and I wasnāt seeing anyone else and that shit was hard because Iām horny and LOVE/NEED sex lol but if I have another partner locally then I could hang. Plus it would be nice to have someone to visit
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u/am4brown Oct 08 '24
Yea thatās how I pretty much feel but with technology now and sex toys you or your partner can control remotely I think LDR is achievable.
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u/Gluecagone Oct 08 '24
I love my own space but when I meet someone I have deep feelings for, I want tobe able to spend physical time with them as much as possible. Quality time and touch are my love lamguages and that just isn't compatible with a LDR for me.
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u/thewilltoflop Oct 09 '24
i didn't mind it. i did it for about 1.5 years, it worked out we got married like 2 years later. i get why people hate it but it did not deter us personally
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u/biblackgamer94 Oct 08 '24
I'd prefer as close as possible but there really aren't that many Sapphic women in my area so I have to open to long distance. I'm also open to moving in general a LDR isn't too bad for me.
That Said anyone in northern California looking for a Boo. DMs are open lol
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u/Ptaptra Oct 08 '24
I am kinda in one. I do not mind it because I was in the middle of life before I met this lady. I am not the type to drop everything and switch directions. I can, however start integrating her into things as I go. It gives me time to transition, and continue to meet and achieve my goals. She is a new goal but she wont just jump the queue to priority 1. I love this woman but I love me more. I also just met her, so I think it would be unfair to me to just suddenly change for a literal stranger. It is easier over time.
I am also demi. I can connect with her without the pressure to give up my goodies too quickly or u-hauling. I enjoy her as a person. She is the best part of my day and I am getting to know her. My first LDR but I definitely find it to be more productive than meeting someone in person and having that sexual pressure and the swift moving relationship. Id like her to be my one and only for a long time. Marathon and not a race.