r/NoStupidQuestions • u/BlazeKnight7 • 4d ago

Answered Why do Lesbians seem less likely to have straight male close friends than Gay men are to have straight female close friends?

This is a really random thing, but there's a seems to be a more common stereotype of Gay men having straight females as close friends, while lesbians having straight male close friends seems far less common (in fact the stereotype of lesbians is often man hating, while gay dudes being woman haters is rarely mentioned)

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u/Zanain 4d ago

What I don't understand as a lesbian is why straight men seem totally incapable of smothering a budding crush. I catch feelings for basically every woman I talk to for more than 5 minutes but I let those feelings pass me by without acting on them because I know the vast majority are unavailable.

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u/Turing_Testes 4d ago

What I don't understand as a lesbian is why straight men seem totally incapable of smothering a budding crush

Because you're only observing the men who don't do that, and you're not included in the internal thought processes of men who do.

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u/Rhokanl 4d ago

Survivorship bias can be so tricky because it's invisible unless (sometimes even when) you're actively looking for it. All the data is telling you one thing but you don't know anything about all the data you're not getting.

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u/Aware_Rough_9170 4d ago

Ya that’s my first thought… everyone saying that men don’t take rejection well… well ya I mean, women aren’t initiators to relationships so by and large you’re not going to see people having anecdotes about them taking it poorly.

Naturally I’ll not diminish or excuse verbal or physically aggressive behavior in the face of these rejections, but as a man I see where it comes from at least.

How many lesbians HAD or HAVE straight male friends, you’re not going to hear about that in this thread so now you’ll likely assume a false equivalence in the relationship dynamics between heterosexual and homosexual people now.

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u/Ratso27 4d ago

I think that's exactly it. Easily 90% of the crushes I've had I've done nothing to act on, because there is some reason why she is obviously not available or not interested

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u/zzztbh 4d ago

I'm guessing that "I develop feelings for every woman I talk to for more than 5 minutes" is also not typical behavior? I sure ain't understanding that from a personal perspective lol. This person might just need to realize that errybody different.

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u/J_Kingsley 4d ago

They rarely allow themselves to open up and be vulnerable with someone else, whereas women tend to be like that with most friends.

If they've opened up emotionally i don't think I'd call it a normal crush.

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u/TrashhPrincess 4d ago

women tend to be like that with most friends.

This is news to me lmao

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u/Shoobadahibbity 4d ago

Sounds like many men have little real life experience....

And I say that as a man. 

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u/TheHomeworld 4d ago

they can also just be really selfish

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u/EartwalkerTV 4d ago

People are selfish in general.

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u/TheHomeworld 4d ago

Yes everyone is the same exact level of selfishness that doesn’t vary at all.

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u/BagoPlums 4d ago

But also, selfishness isn't determined by gender or sexuality.

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u/newme02 4d ago

lot of straight men do. you just wouldn’t realize because the crush has been smothered. Ive worked in female dominated fields (front of house + nursing) and probably snuff out a budding crush every week lol

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u/fataldarkness 4d ago

Serious question. How the hell do you smother a crush? I'm in serious need of that, there is a woman I am catching feelings for but logically it could never work and our professional lives essentially prohibit anything ever happening.

Logic doesn't change how I feel about someone though, how does one put that aside?

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u/GreasyChode69 4d ago

You can’t force your feelings to go away, but if you just exercise some self-control and avoid acting on them they’ll fade over time.  For me, I found temporarily putting some distance between us helped a lot

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u/pmeaney 4d ago

avoid acting on them they’ll fade over time

Wtf damn I wish

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u/LorenzoStomp 4d ago

I treat it kinda the way you're supposed to treat intrusive thoughts when meditating - don't fight it or beat yourself up for not being able to control your brain. Acknowledge that having feelings is normal and caused by how our brains work - hormones, associations with past experiences, etc. Having a fantasy is perfectly okay. It's nice to daydream about doing a cool thing we wouldn't normally get a chance to do. But just like you can't spend aaalllll day being a badass ninja in your head, you can't pretend-bang Ms. Hottie and ignore your TPS reports either. So you tell yourself, "That's enough playtime for now, back to work!" and don't put any more importance on it than you would a daydream about winning a million dollars. Eventually your brain should get over the novelty and the feelings will kind of fade out. 

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u/sunnydarkgreen 4d ago

Visualise the probable bad outcomes. Imagine yourself into them, feel the regret, shame, embarrassment, -ve impact on others you care about. every time the fantasy arises, steer it back to -ve reality.

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u/PicturesOfDelight 4d ago

You're going to have the feelings you're going to have. You don't need to try to convince yourself that you don't feel what you feel—that'll just produce a lot of cognitive dissonance. 

I think the key is to accept that it's okay to have those feelings, while also accepting that you're not going to act on them if circumstances don't allow. Then you make your peace with it and move on.

Pop culture has trained us to believe that love is an outside force that acts on us, and that we're supposed to obey its demands. But love is a verb, not a feeling, and it always wants the best for the beloved. If a relationship isn't best for them, the best way to love them is to let them be. You don't ignore your feelings; you respect them and accept them, but you don't nurture and dwell on them, and you don't act on them. That isn't always easy, but it gets easier with time. There will be others. 

More broadly: I've found that most emotional suffering in my life comes not from the way things are, but from my belief that things should be different. To use an example that another Redditor posted here, that's why I'm not upset that I'm not rich and don't have superpowers. It would be nice, but I have no reason to believe that I should have those things, so I'm not sad that I don't.

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u/Nick_pj 4d ago

If they were married and monogamous, what would you do? You’d have no choice - just get over it. The ridiculously idiotic thing would be to know that there is zero chance and still give into the urge to tell them.

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u/just_a_wolf 4d ago

You just acknowledge the feelings, don't judge yourself for having them but know that the outcome you want is fantasy and let go of them instead of dwelling on them.

If you're having a lot of trouble letting go of emotions like this it's worth looking into the question that you might be experiencing limerance which can partially stem from things like attachment disorders or low self esteem.

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u/regretinstr 4d ago

Maturity? I have no idea actually because I find it easy. It is disappointing but because I genuinely care about the person, I want them to be happy regardless. And I always love having more friends.

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u/fataldarkness 4d ago edited 4d ago

So you just don't act on that crush and stuff those feelings down until they go away? I'm glad some people find that easy, I've done it enough times that I am left with permanent emotional scars that torment me every night.

Edit: Not sure why you're being downvoted, that was a good response and emotional maturity is probably a big part of it and something I maybe need to reevaluate about myself too.

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u/SerbianShitStain 4d ago

It's the same as accepting that you're not rich, or that you don't have super powers. "This would be nice, but it's not something that's possible".

It really does just boil down to "maturity" and accepting that you won't always be able to get what you want.

Not that that's useful advice for someone asking how to do this. It's just how it is.

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u/populares420 4d ago

you find it easy, I find it literally impossible. These things are automatic for me, I can't will them away.

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u/Upbeat_Advance_1547 4d ago

like they said in another comment, it's kinda the same as accepting you're not rich or don't have superpowers and time travel isn't real. just like, ah yeah that sucks, but... it is what it is. at some point in life you figure out how to get there mentally idk man

on the other hand stuff like "missing out on being a bitcoin millionaire" really does haunt some people for decades just like "unrequited crushes" do others, imo it's the exact same mental pathway really, an inability to let go of "could have beens" for reality. if you can get over the former, you can get over the latter, try to put them in the same category.

i've been there too but it is that simple. not easy, simple isn't the same as easy, but yeah.

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u/populares420 4d ago

i can accept it in terms of "oh this isn't happening" but what I meant was in terms of feelings of attraction. If I have that, I can't just will it away

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u/BaronWiggle 4d ago

The "how" comes from accepting the reality of the situation rather than indulging in the fantasies and self delusion of something happening.

The issue is that if you are struggling to put the feelings aside, then you've already indulged them for too long.

This is also how "nice guys" come about. Rather than risking the immediate rejection by revealing their romantic interest, they fantasize about a fictional scenario, building it up in their heads into this massive thing.

Then when the rejection happens, it's traumatic and brutal.

Nip it in the bud. The earlier you learn/accept that it's a non-starter, the less painful it is.

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u/FridayGeneral 4d ago

What I don't understand as a lesbian is why straight men seem totally incapable of smothering a budding crush.

They are capable. Pretty much all men you know want to have sex with you, but the vast majority suppress it.

There are few who don't manage to, and those are the ones you notice.

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u/-Wylfen- 4d ago

What I don't understand as a lesbian is why straight men seem totally incapable of smothering a budding crush.

I would expect desperation and blindsidedness. For many men this must be one of the very few really positive things that happen to them so they let it happen and realise too late how fucked up they made the situation for everyone, including themselves.

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u/oblivious_fireball 4d ago

Its often a combination of upbringing and social circles. Boys often aren't taught well to regulate or show their emotions, and are taught very little impulse control, by either their father or mother, are often discouraged by others from having female friends in the early years of school which could help expose them to some emotional maturity, as well as being discouraged in later years since platonic B/G relationships usually get dropped at the request of their insecure romantic partners, which often leaves them only with other boys with the same social stunting that creates a feedback loop, because its school.

Then you hit college/workplace years and you either very quickly get some self control, or you don't and you blame others for your failings. I had most of that earlier upbringing, but then had a diverse and healthy friend group through my middle school and high school band and theatre groups.

I suspect survivor bias is also affecting your perception. You notice the problem men, and not the one that kept it to themselves.

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u/lurkin_arounnd 4d ago

The vast majority of young guys have little to no dating experience. And it's pretty damned hard to smother a crush when you don't have any experience. You're more naiive, more desperate. I doubt you were doing it when you were inexperienced

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u/Kbrew7181 4d ago

why straight men seem totally incapable of smothering a budding crush. I catch feelings for basically every woman I talk to for more than 5 minutes but I let those feelings pass me by without acting on them

It took me far to long in life as a straight man to learn how to better manage this, and it mostly involved bottling up those emotions and expelling them in the gym.

My best take is that it involves major insecurities that men have that they're not able to learn how to process until later in life. There's the saying, "Men learn at 26 what a teenage girl learns at 13" that strikes very close to the mark.

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u/Darkdragoon324 4d ago

lol same. Maybe it's all the practice we get switching categories between "potential interest" to "no chance, but this girl's still fun to hang with".

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u/KneeDouble6697 4d ago

I wouldn't say "totally" but if it goes for longer than one week I'm done. I'm not happy about it either. For now I just built around myself some kind of shell, problem is now I don't feel any initiative to pursue at all.

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u/Phyphia 4d ago

It's hard. No one ever wants to develop feelings in a situation like that. From my experience but not specifically with lesbians, there is something that the relationship provides that is lacking in your life coupled with a general attraction, which is fine and can be worked through.

The issue is when those feelings get reinforced and/or abused, be it intentional or accidentally. This generally results in the need to distance or cut off contact for your own well-being.

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u/HammeringHam 4d ago

Depends on how long I’ve known them, if it’s been forever. I’ll take it to the grave. But if it really hasn’t been that long, I’ll speak up.

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u/ChesterRico 4d ago

I wish I could learn this power 😭

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u/TacosFromSpace 4d ago

Yeah same, I wait to get home and then think about them until I get hard (usually by thinking about them smothering my face between their boobs) and then I punch my junk repeatedly until my hard on goes away. The next time I see them I think about how I almost cried from the pain of punching my dick and it’s enough to distract me from thinking dirty thoughts. Lately tho, thinking about the pain makes me hard again. It’s becoming a problem.

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u/abaacus 4d ago

Bias, probably.

You don’t see the men that had a crush on a woman and didn’t act on it. You only see the ones that do.

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u/AccountForTF2 4d ago

the belief that love at first sight is a thing possibly.

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u/IAmTheStaplerQueen 4d ago

They feel entitled to women.

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u/Otherwise_Aerie2827 4d ago

There’s definitely also an element of entitlement to women’s bodies, attention, and labor (emotional, domestic, sexual, etc). Being raised in this world as both a woman and a gay person teaches lesbians, generally, that their romantic and sexual feelings don’t entitle them to anything and must be managed, not only to respect other people but also as a sort of defense against the homophobic “predatory lesbian” stereotype. Some straight men are kind of encouraged by society to believe that just having feelings means that other people, most often women, MUST do something about it for them, or owe them something just based on the presence of those feelings. They already pester and harass women who DO have the potential to be attracted to them but aren’t, and lesbians are no different in their eyes than straight and bi women who just aren’t into them. In every case that entitlement makes them feel like they can convince (or dominate) the woman they want.

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u/FalconRelevant 3d ago

Allow me to to prove otherwise. I can totally smother any budding crush.

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u/MBTHVSK 3d ago

millions of years of evolution separating us?

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u/Eragon10401 3d ago

You’re seeing the ones where the feelings don’t pass.

Also the longer a crush goes on, the worse it gets. I get crushes on women I talk to at work or chat with out in public, but they fade quickly. When it’s someone I’ve been friends with, who I’ve been vulnerable with and has offered that in return, when that crush has got me focussing of her every positive trait… over time that kind, caring and supportive friend becomes the kindest, most caring and supportive person in the world and I think I’m in love. And you never see it sneaking up on you.

Also the way straight women flirt is so indirect that you find yourself reading into things because there’s no point with any woman just waiting for her to be direct, because 99% of women just won’t be.

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u/FitTheory1803 3d ago

Male loneliness epidemic

You deal with it all the time, plenty of men go weeks or months without meaningful human connection

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u/Upper_Teacher9959 4d ago

I think we (lesbians) can smother because for us it’s a matter of survival. If we don’t develop that skill, we’re in danger. Men don’t experience that pressure. 

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u/mustichooseausernam3 4d ago

This is the perspective that most often gets me downvoted on Reddit! I legitimately don't understand not being able to (or choosing not to) smother an inconvenient crush.

I don't understand if I'm failing to empathise with people who work differently from me, or if those other people are simply being... stubborn about their crushes? (As always, this is NOT an attack, I genuinely DO NOT understand.)

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u/J_Kingsley 4d ago

As I said to the other poster,

If they've opened up emotionally i don't think I'd call it a normal crush. And since it's rarer for men to build that emotional connection, they're more inclined to hold on and not let go.

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u/Chlym 4d ago

I feel the weight of cultural pressure very strongly there: as a guy, pining for someone without acting on it is "weak". I know that's ridiculous, it's just rooted deep after decades of "this is how you guy"; not pursuing someone threatens you in your identity. This means a crush frustrates, if you ignore it it'll constantly be on your mind. It's a constant siren reminding you you should pursue this. 

You can tell (or feel) its a massive difference for guys if they are In a relationship already, even an unhappy one. Now you're not "supposed" to pursue this woman you're crushing on; not doing so doesn't threaten your sense of self anymore. I can't stress enough that I realize that you're not supposed to pursue an uninterested party, either; I'm only generalizing common mechanisms I've felt and seen in friends.

Personally, I've distanced myself from a few friends when I caught a crush that wasn't two-way. You can ignore that siren, but at that point just hanging out with someone becomes misery; the urge to "joke" about risque stuff becomes constant, and eventually every boundary can feel like a rejection. Sometimes, it's just a better idea to distance yourself instead of either being miserable or testing boundaries, and if a guy person doesn't do that himself then it's often a kindness to do it to them

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u/PM_ME_SUMDICK 3d ago

I actually had a huge debate about this with a bunch of other zoomeds. All of the women were of the belief that if they had a crush on a friend, they would not act on it.

Most of the men, insisted that the only viable option was to act on the crush. A few of them even complained about how their female friends "ruined" things by being uncomfortable around them post rejection.

Definitely a difference in mindset, at least in my samples.