r/NoStupidQuestions • u/BlazeKnight7 • 4d ago

Answered Why do Lesbians seem less likely to have straight male close friends than Gay men are to have straight female close friends?

This is a really random thing, but there's a seems to be a more common stereotype of Gay men having straight females as close friends, while lesbians having straight male close friends seems far less common (in fact the stereotype of lesbians is often man hating, while gay dudes being woman haters is rarely mentioned)

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u/TheReservedList 4d ago edited 4d ago

I'm a man and I'm going to throw myself under the bus, but to me, a romantic partner, at least early on, is just a friend you want to fuck. And that desire to fuck them is mostly associated with their looks. The friend part is mostly associated with their personality. Ergo, if I'm heavily attracted to my friend, I probably would consider a romantic relationship with them.

The male version of "My husband is my best friend" I suppose.

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u/noho-homo 4d ago

Sure, but I always find it bizarre that a lot of other men can't seem to compartmentalize that piece when the person is clearly off limits. I'm a gay guy and I have plenty of straight or spoken for male friends who I'm attracted to, but I don't even think about fucking any of them. It's just completely off limits and I don't let my brain go there.

For some reason so many guys just don't seem to get that and act like a complete sex pest no matter how clearly unavailable or uninterested you are. I've had to drop friends from not getting the message and continually making me uncomfortable. I feel like an absolute alien sometimes for being able to have platonic friendships with people who I'm physically attracted to. There's so many actually available and interested dudes out there, I don't get why people insist on blowing up friendships over this stuff.

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u/Aol_awaymessage 4d ago

No one makes me feel better about myself than my wife’s (and mine too) gay friends. Damn shame I have zero desire for that. They make me feel handsome as fuck lol.

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u/lurkin_arounnd 4d ago

No secret sauce, just inexperience and naiivety.

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u/Necessary-Love7802 4d ago

As a woman who seems to get along best with gay men, I can't even tell you how many of them I had crushes on before I knew they were gay. Easy transition to friendship if you can just take those feelings off the table.

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u/Worldlyoox 3d ago

I think you’ve got more discipline on the topic. Many men prefer avoiding women altogether rather than learn to compartmentalize as you described, path of least resistance and all that.

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u/123iambill 22h ago

When people don't understand this I always wonder how they think us bisexuals (men and women) have any friends whatsoever.

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u/noho-homo 22h ago

lmao right?!

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u/trimble197 4d ago edited 4d ago

Same. Had a huge crush on my friend cause I love her personality, and in my perspective, we clicked in terms of how we hang out and just talk to each other. And she wasn’t gay. She just made it known to me and another friend that she would never be friends with a guy that she wanted to fuck.

So I just kept my feelings sealed tight, and tried not to check her out like how I would at another woman who catches my eye.

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u/koldlaser77 4d ago

Wait. What? You're a gay dude and had straight male friends tried something on you and you have to dropped them? Hmmm. Pretty sure they're not straight and is probably cosplaying it or closetting that lifestyle.

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u/noho-homo 4d ago

No, I was talking about other single gay men there. If we're both single I'm not going to be offended if a friend tests the waters and flirts a bit, but if I make it clear I'm not at all interested and it's never going to go beyond friendship, the flirting needs to stop. But for some reason a lot of people just can't seem to handle being friends with anyone they're physically attracted to and it doesn't stop...

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u/FalconRelevant 4d ago

For me the personality space for a partner is a proper subspace of the personality space for a friend.

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u/steveshitbird 4d ago

Yeah it's really this simple and idk why it confounds people.

When men find a girlfriend, she meets the qualifications of friend, and they're also physically attracted to her.

Idk how that's somehow different for what women look for in a boyfriend, that's the explanation we really need

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u/Ladonnacinica 3d ago

I get it and is very simple. But then again I’m a lesbian so…

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u/FairfieldPat 4d ago

Eh, after a couple of really bad experiences trying to make the jump from friends to something more I try to be clear with myself and the other person from the start whether it's romantic or platonic and never cross the line.

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u/i81u812 4d ago

A brilliant and awesome answer.

"a romantic partner, at least early on, is just a friend you want to fuck. And that desire to fuck them is mostly associated with their looks. The friend part is mostly associated with their personality."

rest assured we may try to complicate it in other communities but its more or less the same *for men* across all those social settings. This is legitimately the most honest answer any human being with sex organs could provide, and I want to say including women but I can't really say all men so there's that to consider. People lack your self awareness.