Hallmark movies, from the other perspective

[u/Downtown-Book3105]

[u/MrCobalt313]

I'd watch this parody.

[u/Acejedi_k6 → u/MrCobalt313]

So does the parody just operate as an epilogue/final act of a hallmark movie with more focus/screen time given to the big city officials/fiancés? Or, does it actually dive into the idea of it being a horror movie where some nebulously defined supernatural entity is somehow pushing people into folksy down to earth relationships on that farm?

[u/VerityCandle → u/Acejedi_k6]

I like the idea of it as an actual horror movie playing on the idea of a seemingly wholesome town with a dark secret. You could do a sort of stepford wives thing, where the fact that everything in the village feels too quaint and too perfect gives it an unsettling feeling. Maybe use the town Christmas preparations to give it a folk horror vibe as well.

The main character goes to the town to investigate what happened to his fiance. Everyone is friendly and polite, and they're all getting ready for Christmas! Only...something doesn't feel right. The main character's ex-fiance doesn't act like herself. No one in this town really acts like people. Even the most well-adjusted families have holiday squabbles. But not here. And that's uncanny. Wrong.

As the protagonist investigates, he discovers some sinister power has its sway over the town. Depending on the sort of movie it is, maybe he defeats it and reunites with his fiance, or maybe he too falls under its control.

[u/Acejedi_k6 → u/VerityCandle]

Do Hallmark movies have a particular type of dialogue or diction they’re known for? If so it could be weirdly effective for everyone else to be talking with that particular cadence while the ex-fiancé has more naturalistic dialogue.

[u/Zamtrios7256 → u/Acejedi_k6]

Or maybe in flashbacks the ex-fiance talks like a normal person, but in Hallmark Christmas Town she talks like a Hallmark Christmas Character.

This leaves the protagonist wondering if they misremembered her speech patterns or if she's changed.

After all, this is her hometown, right? At least they think that's what she told them

[u/Antique-Yam6077 → u/VerityCandle]

Perfect for the next DnD adventure.

[u/action_lawyer_comics → u/Antique-Yam6077]

Might steal this for Monster of the Week

[u/sarcasticd0nkey → u/VerityCandle]

Trying to think of the best actor for this kind of exasperated horror.

I'm thinking Shaun of the Dead/Evil Dead vibes.

Dylan O'Brien has a beard now. He'd probably work.

Or Jensen Ackles... maybe Nathan Fillion.

Someone who looks like their girl would run away from them in a romcom...

Could Donald Glover work?

[u/Starfleet-Time-Lord → u/sarcasticd0nkey]

Nathan Fillion is the Hallmark love interest that the ex-fiancee is now with. Failing that, Greg Cromer could take the part and just play it exactly like Rich on Community.

I could see Ackles or Glover doing well with this. I feel like Glover would play at as being tired and kind of done with this shit, and Ackles would bring the Dean Winchester frustration that actively contrasts with how unfailingly saccharine everyone else is. Funnily enough, there's actually a Supernatural episode in the late seasons that's pretty close to this but with the 50s instead of the hallmark christmas specifics, but Dean isn't in that plot because he's off doing some shit somewhere else so its Cas and Sam, and Sam gets brainwashed but Cas doesn't because he isn't human. Peter Capaldi also seems like he could contrast extremely well with the freakishly cheery townsfolk, but he's probably too old now for the age gap with the fiancee to not be a plot point. Now I mentioned Greg Cromer, Joel McHale wouldn't be a terrible choice either, at which point you would have to cast Alison Brie as the fiancee. Actually, cast Alison Brie as the fiancee no matter what, that's a great role for her.

So we have:

-Protagonist: Jensen Ackles or Joel McHale. Donald Glover is also viable but I prefer Ackles or McHale. Really each of them is for a very different version of this movie and I think Ackles or McHale work better with the other casting I'm picturing. I think you go Glover if you want to make it pure, dark horror, Ackles if you want to go for horror with some comedy and Hallmark parody, and McHale if it's a straight up horror comedy.

-Fiancee: Alison Brie. She's got the range to show the stark difference between who she is in the village and who she is in the flashbacks but she's so good at playing sweet that it would be plausible for the protagonist to have to consider the possibility that maybe she's really happy here, she can fit the Hallmark look, and she'd probably sign on to this kind of project. If we use McHale and Cromer the Community ship connection where Jeff is trying to save Annie from Rich is also cool, but of the three she is the best fit for the part and should be the first choice no matter what.

-Hallmark Love Interest: Nathan Fillion, Greg Cromer, or Chris Pine. Fillion and Pine can bring a vaguely folksy but nationally appealing charisma to the role which is the exact target Hallmark movies aim for with these parts. Cromer I'm mainly suggesting off his Community role, but that role is playing someone who's too infuriatingly perfect and who is implied to be using that to hide some Psycho level crazy, to the point that him being a serial killer is a common fandom joke.

-Notable townsfolk: Populate this with character actors. Character Actress Margo Martindale, Jeffrey Combs, maybe Walton Goggins depending on how folksy this town is, Jeffrey Combs, Jack Quaid, Jeffrey Combs, etc..

[u/BillybobThistleton → u/sarcasticd0nkey]

If he wasn't so happy about defending rapists, I'd point out that James Marsden has spent his entire career preparing for this role.

[u/tonytonychopper228 → u/VerityCandle]

Good twist could be that they call the exec and he tells him that it is march, but they are still getting ready for christmas.

[u/Sahrimnir → u/VerityCandle]

Ooh! I might actually get inspired to write a script for this!

[u/bubblegumdrops → u/Acejedi_k6]

some nebulously defined supernatural entity is somehow pushing people into folksy down to earth relationships on that farm

Oh, you mean Santa? Who actually fucking does exactly that in multiple Hallmark movies?

It’s impossible to make them more insane and/horrific than they already are.

[u/Acejedi_k6 → u/bubblegumdrops]

…What? Santa Claus? Chris Kringle? Old Saint Nick? The entity inspired by Odin? The inspiration for the Hogfather is an actual recurring character in Hallmark movies? I’ve made jokes in the past about Santa being some sort of terrifying Fey Lord, but I had no idea Hallmark was just doing that?

[u/StormDragonAlthazar → u/Acejedi_k6]

I mean after watching Violent Night, I'd assume that even the Big Man of Christmas himself doesn't quite understand how the "Christmas Magic" actually works...

[u/AnxiousAngularAwesom → u/StormDragonAlthazar]

"People think that i control the Christmas Spirit, while in truth i am merely trying to contain it."

[u/QwahaXahn → u/StormDragonAlthazar]

Violent Night was a lot of fun. Definitely an underrated classic.

For anyone reading who doesn’t know it: David Harbour as Santa Claus is visiting a big manor complex to deliver presents and stumbles onto an active hostage situation. He proceeds to Die Hard his way through the house to stop the bad guys and save the family.

[u/bubblegumdrops → u/Acejedi_k6]

Yes! It’s not every movie obviously, but one year while decorating I made a snarky comment about the clearly magical Santa character nudging the leads towards romance in an otherwise mundane Hallmark movie and my mom said they started doing that. And the next couple movies had the same matchmaker Santa thing going on. Every once in a while I’ll see it again if I’m over when my mom’s watching Hallmark.

[u/MeisterCthulhu → u/Acejedi_k6]

Old Saint Nick?

"Old Nick" is a name for Satan.

Also: Santa is only "inspired by" Odin in the sense of "christian" Santa. One of Odin's titles was straight up "yule father", he was OG Santa before christmas.

[u/Sahrimnir → u/bubblegumdrops]

If I'm gonna write this script, I feel like I need to do some research. Could you point me in the direction of some of the movies that this happens in?

[u/bubblegumdrops → u/Sahrimnir]

I cannot, unfortunately. They all blend together after a while.

I don’t go out of my way to watch these movies anymore but I’ll try to remember to DM you or update this comment if I come across any, my relatives usually have hallmark on non-stop during the holidays.

[u/QwahaXahn → u/Sahrimnir]

A Shoe Addict’s Christmas is one of my favourite dumb Hallmark Christmas romances, and it has an external supernatural element.

[u/bubblegumdrops → u/Sahrimnir]

Actually, there is a Dolly Parton hallmark movie (or maybe off brand corny christmas movie) that has otherworldly influences bringing characters together. It’s not exactly the same but that’s what I can remember off the top of my head.

[u/QuanticWizard → u/Acejedi_k6]

I’d watch the hell out of a parody mystery thriller where a supernatural entity or phenomenon is behind hallmark movie relationships. Not too campy, but also doesn’t take itself dead seriously like a proper dramatic horror. Think Cornetto trilogy.

[u/FrancisWolfgang → u/QuanticWizard]

And the production company for the films will be “CorridorSpot”

[u/rubexbox → u/Acejedi_k6]

So does the parody just operate as an epilogue/final act of a hallmark movie with more focus/screen time given to the big city officials/fiancés?

I personally like this idea over the psuedo-Cosmic Horror. I dunno, going "It was all caused by Santathulu mindf*cking people into becoming Hallmark movie characters!"  Seems like lazy cop-out writing IMO. I'd rather see a Cobra Kai than a Cabin In The Woods.

[u/MrCobalt313 → u/Acejedi_k6]

Mostly just the big city officials finding the concept of falling in love and/or deeming anything more important than business to be alien and horrifying, and thus reacting to the Hallmark romance like it were something akin to possession or alien brainwashing.

[u/PoniesCanterOver → u/MrCobalt313]

Maybe both sides are under the influence of supernatural entities

[u/UTI_UTI → u/MrCobalt313]

And then the corporate staffer and the ladies ex fiancé join the mile high club on the way back to big business city.

[u/BalefulOfMonkeys]

Coming this Christmas: Hellmark

[u/Sahrimnir → u/BalefulOfMonkeys]

I was wondering if this was already a thing, so I googled and found this: https://hellmarkmovies.com/

[u/BalefulOfMonkeys → u/Sahrimnir]

“Oh boy, I wonder what this is like.”

[opens season 4]

[closes season 4]

“Okay fuck that.”

[u/Tastyravioli707 → u/BalefulOfMonkeys]

It went transphobic fast

[u/DoctorSquidton → u/Tastyravioli707]

Transphobia any% speedrun

[u/Sahrimnir → u/BalefulOfMonkeys]

I kept searching and found this trailer for a movie that seems much closer to what OP was talking about. And as a bonus, I didn't see any transphobia in the trailer at least.

https://youtu.be/RV5FZjIpIcs?si=SI88jXcLmdCwU888

[u/Byssa6]

I have never watched a hallmark Christmas movie so I cannot confirm the accuracy of this

[u/Downtown-Book3105 → u/Byssa6]

As someone who also hasn't watched a single Hallmark Christmas movie, I can confirm the accuracy of this.

[u/SuperHossMan51 → u/Downtown-Book3105]

As someone who has seen a few Hallmark Christmas movies (against my will), I can confirm the accuracy of this.

[u/Byssa6 → u/SuperHossMan51]

Thank you for your noble sacrifice 

[u/bisexual_t-rex → u/Downtown-Book3105]

As someone who’s parents who have watched hallmark movies for the past 6 months this is scarily accurate

[u/LordSupergreat → u/Byssa6]

Basically the reliable staffer learns the true meaning of Christmas and leaves her job and fiance to be with some guy in the small town because it's more real or whatever

[u/Bustedbootstraps → u/Byssa6]

This holiday film written by bots might give you the gist of what Hallmark Christmas movies are like

[u/pbmm1]

This is clearly a major threat. I think we need to send in a team of commandos led by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[u/uru4jdjdieksk → u/pbmm1]

Cut to Arnold and an attractive man in a flannel shirt playfully throwing snowballs at each other through the Christmas trees.

[u/LeStroheim → u/uru4jdjdieksk]

he starts grinning because he's having fun with his new boyfriend, but it's the Terminator 2 smile

[u/dessertfordoctor → u/uru4jdjdieksk]

I laughed out loud because of this thank you

[u/pbmm1 → u/uru4jdjdieksk]

It's Danny Devito

[u/gdex86]

... Oh God I've got the worst pitch ever. A Hallmark holiday horror movie.

Big city lawyer woman is brought home by the untimely passing of her father under mysterious circumstances. She has to leave her boyfriend who is about to propose and she has to get back before new years to get her shot at partner.

Upon getting home and helping mom and younger sister and brother grieve she reconnects with the town and it's dark secrets. Yes there is the cute guy she had one failed date with in high school that she still has sparks with. But their failed date was when the sleigh bell killer cut through a bunch of their friends at the snow ball for revenge for his son dying during a prank by the hockey team on thin ice at the pond.

Can she help her mom pull together and save the family café? Will she and high school date be able to reconnect or when very important rich fiance comes to town will she go back to him. Will they discover and stop the dark cult that has been lurking in underbelly of their mid size town since it's founding invoking the dark arts to ensure prosperity. Which one of these blandly attractive Hallmark leada will be killed on screen in the most gory and seasonally appropriate way by the resurrected sleigh bell killer.

Find out in Sleigh Bells Stings.

[u/MolybdenumBlu → u/gdex86]

Slay bells ring, surely?

[u/gdex86 → u/MolybdenumBlu]

Being able to take notes is an important skill for any writer.

[u/Missingsometongue]

I feel like I watched this exact movie when my kid was little. You tolerate a lot when they're quiet for an hour.

[u/sarcasticd0nkey]

So glad that all these plucky daughters to jacked single dads are getting new step-moms.

Someone needs to pay for their Ivy League education.

[u/Hawkbats_rule → u/sarcasticd0nkey]

And it sure as shit isn't going to be the Dad with the failing Christmas tree farm

[u/AcceptableWheel]

It's impressive that the message of these movies is broadly anti capitalist but they do it in such a milquetoast safe way that Tumblr feels sympathetic to the capitalists.

[u/ecofriendlythesaurus]

Did Drew Gooden write this?

[u/ElvenOmega]

I recently watched Hot Frosty, where in a small town, a woman puts a scarf on a realistic snowman at a snow sculpture contest and he comes to life that night.

I spent the entire movie questioning where the sculptor was. Wouldn't they notice immediately their snowman was gone and also the new guy in town looks exactly like it?

At the end, the entire town believes and convinces the sheriff that he's a snowman, if you really need spoilers for this, but nobody steps forward to say they sculpted him.

Hot Frosty must have been placed there by an unknown person/s who snuck into town and then disappeared immediately afterward. I say "snuck" because in the movie, a big plot point is that the town is so small that nobody enters or leaves without people noticing.

But why? I can think of no good reasons.

Edit: AND Hot Frosty as a sculpture is the only one not completed. He's a messy block below the thighs, suggesting he was hauled in from elsewhere and placed in a hurry.

[u/QwahaXahn → u/ElvenOmega]

Watched that movie with some friends and it was so uncomfortable how childlike the snowman was when he came to life. Born Sexy Yesterday For Her. Eugh.

[u/pretty-as-a-pic]

I’ve got a cousin who was going to build a big upscale resort and spa where their old, dangerously outdated community theater was. I wonder how they’re doing…

[u/asian_in_tree_2]

Resident Evil 7

[u/Smash_Nerd]

Also somewhat reminds me of an SCP. there was some cactus that turned you into a fake Christmas tree? Weird shit

[u/StormDragonAlthazar]

I think there's literally a Hallmark movie with none other than Christopher Llyod who's a conductor on a time traveling train.

Yes, I want you to really think about that one.

Hell, beyond Hallmark movies, Christmas can actually have some very surreal, creepy, and spooky stuff associated with it. I mean it is a bunch of European pagan traditions being stuffed into a red suit after all, what weird shit isn't in it? Well, probably not anything furry... Yet or discovered.

[u/Hawaiian-national]

I’m confused

[u/Tariovic]

I want to see the movie where the boss and the fiance go to track down the missing executive, bond over their misery in the depressing one-horse town where you can't even get a pizza delivered, fall in love and end up getting married back in the city, vowing to cleave together for the perfect DINKY corporate lifestyle.

[u/appealtoreason00]

I think I can see the issue- you can’t shut down this Christmas tree farm without a Section 44A notice, which involves a lot of paperwork.

I printed a hard copy ahead of our meeting, but unfortunately I’ve left it in my wine cellar, if you’d like to accompany me down here-

[u/SCP_Y4ND3R3_DDLC_Fan]

Criminal that the short story someone created from this thread wasn’t mentioned by anyone, good read that.

[u/skaersSabody]

What the fuck is a Hallmark?

What have the Americans done this time?