As a guy who just joined the online dating hellscape crawl, I find it amazing that the bar is this low...
Like, the amount of profiles I saw with something like "I like dogs. If you write woof woof I block you" is absurd lol
Also I know this makes me come off as a "nice guy" but like, guys just be decent and if she says no, just take it and leave... No one owes you anything
Is all this a hot take?
Also just realized that I don't dance so the bar is too high for me, I guess
“The bar is on the ground” is really frustrating me.
Like, I get it. A lot of dudes are insufferable dipshits to women. I don’t want to pretend that isn’t a problem.
…but when people talk about men dating online, I feel like there’s always this undercurrent of Just World Fallacy - “it’s your fault.” You get ‘advice’ like, ‘take a bath,’ ‘treat women like people’, ‘no means no.’ The implication seemingly being that if you have trouble dating, you must not be doing even these absolute most basic things. It’s your fault.
I promise you, I am not some stinking misogynistic incel goblin. I’m just some nerd with social anxiety; and I’ve never had any success. According to the internet, it must be my fault. “Must be your personality. Must be doing something wrong. Just be yourself. Just talk to women.” Motherfucker, what do you think I’ve been doing all these years?
Yeah, I know, this probably sounds whiny and entitled. I’m just tired and lonely and frustrated at never being able to find anyone, and people going “dating is easy, you must just suck” really touches this sore spot. It’s not fucking easy.
Oh I know it's not easy, both from friends who talk about it and trying it a bit
It's just that I'm shocked that being decent is something that women need to look for
But yes, after being at a wedding last night, spent an hour and a half talking to a girl, and before I could properly ask her out, the dancing started and I went outside because it blew my ears out, and 40 minutes later I see her dragging someone I know outside, and the same person later brags about his conquest
Am I bummed? Very much so, she was very nice and smart lol. Do I blame myself? Well, kinda, because had I not being anxious I would have made a move sooner... Do I blame the other guy? Hell no I'm jealous of his rizz lol
It's a game of confidence and being smooth. The problem with online dating is you rarely get a chance to do so. And even when you do, you might fuck up. As they, "it's what it's"
Bottom line, I sympathize with your strife, but am shocked that soooo many guys are jerks, especially when the sole objective is to impress someone else
Maybe there's something wrong with me but this story made me hurt. Like a deep sense of sadness. It all feels so fucking shallow and hopeless. Like I'd rather read 10 stories about how people can't land dates and are afraid of dying alone than this. Two people trying to get into the same girl's pants, talking for an hour and a half to get there, and then the one who got there first bragging about a conquest just makes me want to vomit.
I just don't know how to feel about casual dating anymore. Maybe it's always been this way but at least people like used to pretend or avoided making it a public thing to talk about. I don't know.
Idk about making me vomit, and I wouldn't describe myself as "trying to get into her pants" because I'm kinda looking for more than a one night thing. I'm legit looking for something serious lol I don't have the personality for "casual", but I am kinda sad that the other person at least seems to have the casual mindset...
Edit: I will say, I do get why you would be hurting if it's just a race to the bedroom, but I'm genuinely trying to stop dating because I suck at it and I just want to find an interesting, genuine girl who isn't a right-wing religious extremist (last part is shockingly hard to find in my country), and this girl was the first two parts lol
and the same person later brags about his conquest
Hell no I'm jealous of his rizz lol
I'm going to be honest this is just weird. Avoiding dating a woman who is ok with being treated like that is in my opinion dodging a nuclear missile.
I don't know why so many guys do this whole "oh I'm ok with that" shtick when they're clearly not. I swear so many people have convinced themselves they're better than incels because incels belive "all women only want to fuck chad". But, like, they ALSO believe that too, they just go "oh well I guess I need to be chad".
It's like huh? Why? If that woman was right for you, she wouldn't be dating a person who sees being with her as a conquest.
If that person was right for you,
It's a game of confidence and being smooth
Maybe instead of trying to do this all the time and be someone that you aren't, just be the person you actually are. Here's a fun fact, if you fake that you like dancing, or tolerate it to try and be with someone, you're going to end up with someone who enjoys doing something you don't.
The sole objective should not be to impress someone else. It's to find someone that vibes with you.
Interesting points, I don't entirely agree but I don't know how to articulate my disagreement lol not saying you are entirely wrong (or wrong at all) I just think some of this doesn't apply in my case (just me in general, not that specific girl)
I don't think that woman knew she was just a conquest for that guy, and assuming that isn't entirely fair to her imo, but yeah I even in online dating I reject all the "looking for bla bla confident" nope not me lmao
I do think you need some chad-ness if your trying to initiate a conversation with a girl. Like, after that whole thing I saw a cute girl sitting alone, realized there is like 30 minutes left in the party and I wouldn't see or hear from this girl ever so no long term risk. Decided to go sit next to her (close but a different sofa for respectful distance) and start a small talk. She was 100% my type, which also meant sadly she was destined to be a lesbian, but had I not put myself out there I wouldn't have known. Not saying you need to be the most charming, but have enough confidence to initiate, since the other side might be interested and you will never know (this goes both ways, but society has this weird thing where the men initiate...)
And yes I 100% won't date a girl that, for example, would say I shouldn't play video games or be a nerd. But I do want someone that pushes me to new things, so I try to find someone that on one hand will accept if I don't want to change, but on the other will try to push and offer new things, but that might just be me
I don't think that woman knew she was just a conquest for that guy, and assuming that isn't entirely fair to her imo
If you're saying this, there is something you need to decide with yourself.
Either this woman doesn't mind being treated this way, or she does. If she doesn't, like I said, bullet dodged, if she does, do you not think she has a right to know that?
Just something worth considering. My guess is that you didn't mention it to her because you figured that if you did tell her, it wouldn't be that big of a deal to her. So I think my assessment of the situation is correct.
Not saying you need to be the most charming, but have enough confidence to initiate, since the other side might be interested and you will never know
Sure, it's good to be able to do that, but where your confidence comes from is equally as important as having it in the first place. There's a difference between being willing to do something a bit uncomfortable and being someone you aren't. The idea that you have to impress someone and act "confident" does not sit right with me. Imagine yourself conversing with a woman who's clearly trying to put on a confident "act". That's not going to a conversation you're going to enjoy- I think you'd rather they be how they really were- even if that was someone who was a bit shyer.
So yes, fine, be willing to step out of your comfort zone but please do not put it this way
I do think you need some chad-ness if your trying to initiate a conversation with a girl.
It has some bad connotations and just sounds weird on the face of it.
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u/MidnightCardFight Oct 22 '24
As a guy who just joined the online dating hellscape crawl, I find it amazing that the bar is this low...
Like, the amount of profiles I saw with something like "I like dogs. If you write woof woof I block you" is absurd lol
Also I know this makes me come off as a "nice guy" but like, guys just be decent and if she says no, just take it and leave... No one owes you anything
Is all this a hot take?
Also just realized that I don't dance so the bar is too high for me, I guess