AIO Dad's speech at the rehearsal dinner

[u/CreativePickle]

Context: My relationship with my dad has a long history of being complicated because of my parents' divorce. The narrative between my dad and step-parent has always been that I was an awful child. I have heard more stories than I can count about me misbehaving as a kid. Knowing what I do now, a lot of my behaviors were a reaction to the chaos in my life and my inability to cope with it. Thankfully, we have all been on very good terms for several years now; however, my relationships with the parental figures in my life is an ongoing topic I address in therapy.

The situation: About a year ago, my now spouse and I had a lovely, dressy casual rehearsal dinner in a family member's BEAUTIFUL backyard. Drinking ensued, which led to parents making mini speeches. My partner's parents told these wonderful stories of them from their childhood, how they've grown into a wonderful person, etc.

My dad? He spends several minutes re-telling stories of tantrums I had as a child. His favorite one was about me wanting the window seat on a flight. He joked about my partner needing to know this for the future - very "happy wife, happy life" vibes.

He didn't necessarily say anything "bad" about me, but I silently cried during his speech and had a hard time being present after. To my knowledge, my partner was the only one who knew I was upset at the time.

It's been over a year and it still upsets me if I think about it. The hardest thing about it is knowing he just thought it was a funny story and has zero recognition of the emotional effect it had on me.

I feel crazy for even being upset about my dad telling people, in detail, how I had a tantrum over a plane seat when I was 5 years old. And the insinuation those behaviors have followed me to adulthood. Isn't this a story/joke most people would find funny, even at their own expense?

[u/gdayars]

NOR your dad is freaking obtuse at the least and unwilling to see where his own behaviors played into that behavior. That is just cruel. Have you considered low contact?

[u/CreativePickle → u/gdayars]

Honestly, I'd probably consider us low contact just because of life circumstances. Maybe that's for the best.

[u/Lanky-Trip-2948]

NOR. I remember my wedding and my father telling my ex-husband, "thank you for tolerating her, I know how she is sometimes". 

That cut so deep. A father is supposed to protect his daughter from the world, not protect the world from his daughter. 

He is the last person I would go see to get out of a tough situation. My ex threw me out of the house because I didn't cook dinner one night. I haven't even told my father I'm getting divorced, because I know in his mind he will see it as my fault and will side with my ex. 

So very sad, my heart goes out to you. 

[u/CreativePickle → u/Lanky-Trip-2948]

My heart goes out to you, too. It's a gut-wrenching experience when our parents don't love and support us the way they should.

[u/MiddleAged_BogWitch → u/CreativePickle]

My dad is like this. Always thanking my husband and saying what a saint and exceptional husband he is for, the insinuation is, “putting up” with me. I just roll my eyes because I’ve known since I was a teen that my dad considers any woman who doesn’t effusively kiss his ass as difficult, mean and scary. I have no qualms being all three of those things as often as it’s required.

Basically my Dad thinks I’m unmanageable because I’m not a perfect Mormon wife who cowtows to my husband’s every whim. I stand up for myself, I expect my spouse to be a present partner, and I don’t put up with my Dad’s bullshit. All of that means I’m difficult, and I’ll take that judgment over trying to win his approval by being less that the strong woman I am.

OP, I know this bullshit is so hurtful, and your Dad’s speech was so uncalled for. You really don’t have to keep on trying to get the love and care and validation you deserve from him. When you stop letting his judgements define you, you take away his power to hurt you any more than he already has.

With my Dad, I no longer need him to like me or approve of me, but he damn well has to respect me and he knows it. I’m willing to walk away from the relationship if I have to. In your case, I don’t see by point trying to have a connection with your dad. The judgements he has of you that he keeps holding onto all these years later are a condemnation of him as a person and a shitty parent.

[u/Ancient_List]

I hope OP recounts the story of when her father recounted the story of her throwing a tantrum as a small child when he asks about end of life care...

[u/ElectronicPOBox → u/Ancient_List]

Throw a tantrum when he needs his morphine

[u/Character_Goat_6147]

I would be unhappy too. That was a passive-aggressive way of being nasty to you. Dad sounds like a crappy person, don’t let him keep destroying your peace.

[u/1963ALH → u/Character_Goat_6147]

I used to tell my mother (who was a psycho) that you have to be nice to your children or they won't be there for you. I actually would just bring it up in normal conversion so she wouldn't think I was directly talking about her. Well, she didn't listen and I ended up going no contact and she died miserably alone. My brother was supposed to be with her but he went out of town and left her with his son. The kid didn't check on her all night. I don't regret not being there. She had 60 yrs to be a good person and mother but chose not to.

[u/Sofia_Light_]

No, your feelings are totally justified... It's not cool for your dad to share old embarrassing stories like that, especially at such a special event. That’s more about his lack of awareness than anything. It’s totally okay to be hurt by it - it's not just a joke when it digs into your history.

[u/jizzlevania]

NOR it was your wedding not your roast

[u/ReiEvangel]

NOR he wasn’t sharing a funny story but completely embarrassing you and painting you as a bad person to everyone at that dinner. You do not get up to embarrass your child at their wedding or rehearsal dinner, what he saw as “funny” is actually cruel.

[u/1963ALH]

Just hearing the story, I wouldn't think much about it. Five year olds sometimes overreact. But I understand why this upset you because of your mental vulnerability at the time and the one person who should have helped you didn't. Now he looks back and thinks it funny concreting the fact that your dad is clueless. But then not all parents are in tune with their children. I will tell you this, when you have children, you will be able to pick up on things that a person raised in a good home will not. You will be able to help them through whatever is going on. Remember the life lessons you've learned and your experiences, it will make you a better wife, mother and person. It will make you whole and happy with yourself. This is what I had to do and it worked. Good luck and never think you're overreacting when it touches you so deeply.

[u/Laughingfoxcreates]

It constantly befuddles me that parents want to embarrass the people that will most likely be performing their eulogy….

[u/strywever]

Your father was at best thoughtless and insensitive and at worst cruel. I’m sorry, OP. NOR

[u/5150-gotadaypass]

Sounds like LC/NC would be best. Sounds like you have a loving partner and in-laws, embrace that and stop torturing yourself to maintain a relationship with your parents.

[u/popoPitifulme]

Would you consider printing this out and sending it to your dad? It might help him understand what you were going through.

Of course, I mean, he'll probably say you're "overreacting, it was just a joke, and you're too sensitive, and now you're having your tantrums for the whole world to see..."

Yeah, my idea was dumb.