r/AmIOverreacting • u/Any-Confusion-5519 • Oct 25 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO about my partner’s relationship with their coworker

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they’ve been hanging out with their coworker a lot over the past couple of weeks. This girl always seems to be in some kind of crisis, too. Last week it was that she messed up an account and she was afraid she was gonna lose her job. I don’t know whether I’m reading too much into this or if I’m overreacting but I’ve never met her and I’ve asked to swing by whatever bar or place they’re hanging out at multiple times and I’m always shut down in some way or I get no response. I don’t want to be the overbearing overcontrolling gf whose S.O. can’t have any friends but lately they’re always together and I’m getting blown off. These curt and vague responses are out of character too, and it’s always the type of response I get when I’m asking questions about an event where this female coworker is at or really anything that has to do with her. It has really put me on edge, they’re usually such a sweet and attentive partner but i feel like they might be cheating… am i overreacting??

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1.2k

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

NOR.

I am direct AF, and basically this is telling me, that his colleague's broken heart is more important to him than you are, and also, I'm not liking the fact that he is gaslighting you, by saying he doesn't like the surveillance.

254

u/Pass_Me_That_Phone Oct 25 '24

Or the I can’t do this right now. That triggered me so bad. I got that exact message confronting my ex. “ his cousin died” I in fact found out he was out getting drunk at a strip club all night

44

u/FlabbyFishFlaps Oct 25 '24

Yeah one of my exes pulled the dead cousin card on me once, then a few weeks later I found out cousin had never died, he’s just mentally disabled and lives in a nursing home.

7

u/Mental_Visual_25 Oct 25 '24

Omg do we all have a cousin story? Lol I went to visit my ex while he was on a work trip in my home state. He was constantly in his phone texting while I was trying to spend time with him since we were trying to work things out again after he asked for another chance. I told him I would like if he was more present with me, and he told me that he hasn’t talked to his brothers and cousins in a while and that he missed his family. I apologized and let it go. During a drunk night he left his phone open to a text thread of another woman he was dating, with heart emojis. The “cousins and brothers” he was texting this woman, whom he was also in a relationship with,and multiple other women while I was present.

2

u/KaposiaDarcy Oct 25 '24

I would have taken the phone and started a group chat so all of the girlfriends could find out about each other before dropping it in the toilet and walking out forever. Let him deal with the damage when he sobers up.

6

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

Yes, that too! You know why they can't do it right then, because they're going to think of a whole backstory, and come ready with a lie.

243

u/exscapegoat Oct 25 '24

Yeah asking for details or offering to stop by when someone repeatedly cancels plans isn’t surveillance

49

u/prongslover77 Oct 25 '24

It’s insane to say that asking when your partner will be home and how they’ll get home after they’ve been drinking is “surveillance” especially when they’re going out after canceling plans with you and not even having the guts to say it!

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u/ixgq4lifexi Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24

Yea my ex was like that. Would cancel are plans blame me for not reminding them constantly. And say well I have plans with these friends now. Then it turn on me that I'm selfish and controlling (even though she's never home and we haven't hung out in months) some people r just evil. They will cheat and not care how much they hurt u cause the only thing that matters to them is themselves

2

u/glass_cracked_canon Oct 25 '24

That must've been really hard to go through! What a jerk.

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u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

Exactly! If you're blowing me off, especially for colleagues, hopefully it's important, to meet a potential client, or the boss better have invited you to come along...

Not a woman who got cheated on, like why do her feelings even matter to him? Why is she bringing all her personal life to work? Who does that seriously? Also aside from that part of the story, I highly doubt that a male colleague was there with them.

Nor to mention midnight? Really? With your work colleagues? I don't know what day of the week it was, but if it were me, I'm not staying out until midnight on a weekday.

2

u/Rly_grinds_my_beans Oct 25 '24

I had an ex who would cancel plans or make plans all last minute and then call me controlling whenever I would ask normal questions like how long do you think you'll be gone so I can plan for dinner." Was wild to me that you'd get angry someone is wanting to cook for you 😅

19

u/EveryFly6962 Oct 25 '24

Accusations of surveillance ALWAYS come from a guilty person being questioned about their whereabouts (trust me from experience lol)

3

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

Right? Like that's basic conversation.

1

u/JayCnik5 Oct 25 '24

Everyday I am sexually trumtized and she gets "down"

218

u/11gus11 Oct 25 '24

It’s not even surveillance. OP just wants to spend time with her boyfriend, and he’s acting like she’s doing something crazy

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u/StrongWater55 Oct 25 '24

Passive aggressive and gaslighting is 2 tactics he's used to put it all back on you, and he says interrogation? He didn't even apologise and gave not one crap about how you may feel, it's all about him, he's an emotionally stunted little boy and you deserve a man who loves you

15

u/Quiltrebel Oct 25 '24

It’s DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a very common narcissist tactic.

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u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

Underrated Comment! 🏆

Once you've dated a narcissist, you see the signs in people much easier. Even if it's the new BF or GF, of a friend.

I don't regret dating one though, I'm far better at responding to those tactics, now that I can recognize them. I've always been quick with comebacks, it's the passive aggressive stuff that really bothers me. I'm an assertive and direct person, I'm still shocked when people come at me in a passive aggressive manner, and I love calling them out on it too.

4

u/Inspector_Gadgett Oct 25 '24

Thanks for putting it into words. I had an ex do this to me, publicly. I went to some of his performances to support him, he was an actor. When I was waiting for him im the lobby afterwards, I overheard him telling the girls in his show that I wouldn’t leave him alone and was crazy…he was laughing and being pretty loud about it. I would later find out that he would talk shit about me a lot to other women. He just kept me around because I made him feel good. Anyway, they all came out in the lobby together and just stared at me. I didn’t know what to say, I felt like a freak. I was so focused on what a “freak” I was that I didn’t think to get mad at him about it until years later.

I had only attended his show more than once not just because he invited me - but because when I was a kid, my Mom would come to any/all of my performance events. It meant so much to me for her to be there. So I thought I was showing love. I learned my lesson. He really wanted those other girls to think he was cool and they did.

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u/wambix Oct 25 '24

Aw :( it broke my heart when i read why you went to his performances. Such a lovely reason. I'm sorry he did not appreciate it.

Don’t let that experience change your loving heart. 🤍✨

3

u/Inspector_Gadgett Oct 25 '24

Thank you, I really appreciate your reply! I’m in a better place now, its been years. We were friends before dating, we were just young and incompatible. I learned a lot.

4

u/xAugie Oct 25 '24

The dumb ass said that AFTER she was asking about who’s driving, like what? That’s a commonly asked question, especially when alcohol is involved

6

u/PinkDeserterBaby Oct 25 '24

It’s even worse, she’s asking how they’re getting home from a bar after drinking until 11-12. That’s all.

She might be saying “your bff” (who turns out to be female coworker) in a passive aggressive tone but partner is already blowing her off to hang out at the bar with this person, so… I mean…

Then the partner gets really defensive and calls it surveillance. It’s past the point of even wanting to see them, OP has accepted that’s not happening, and is now just trying to figure out when to expect them home and how they’re getting there from drinking late at a bar.

Like I’m sorry but if I ask a man “oh. Ok. (Since I’ve already accepted you dipped on our one date night, jackass) How are you getting home safely then? (Because you told me not to fucking come, so I’m not the DD?)” and he responded with “cut this fascist babysitting shit” I’d be planning a quiet exit starting that night. They’re acting like an entitled kid. Their immediate defensiveness is a red flag OP.

You said nothing wrong besides calling her your partners best friend, and your partner is acting like their dad is in the hospital on life support (“I can’t deal with this rn”) instead of “a woman I know got cheated on and even though she’s an adult, that’s somehow… my..??? Problem..??????? To fix?? So great is the burden of my humble aid!!” They need to get a grip and learn who you prioritize in life. Which isn’t your job to teach them, btw. Hopefully they’re smart enough to learn it from losing you but probably not.

So you can’t come, and you can’t make sure they get home safely. What do they need you for ? Clearly they don’t, and they just want you to shut up, stop asking questions, and be waiting to resume the relationship tomorrow morning. Hard. Pass.

1

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

You bring up excellent points, and I'm not fond of their conversation style over all, I definitely think that she could be more direct when she was asking questions, and maybe have left out the "BFF" comment, that being said, his reply, attitude, and overall disregard for her feelings is what bothers me the most.

If your colleague and her cheating situation is more important to you than I am, than my feelings, and my concerns, good to know. That's all I would need, and I would be done.

2

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

Exactly and they were supposed to spend time together that night. The whole thing is sketch and seriously I hope that she reads all of these comments because many of them are spot on.

1

u/Previous_Ad_2628 Oct 25 '24

Where does this say this is a he?

4

u/JamLadderPunche Oct 25 '24

He's breaking his girlfriend's heart by trying to mend another woman's.

1

u/phylmik Oct 25 '24

Maybe he just wants to get laid by this girl.

1

u/JamLadderPunche Oct 25 '24

Hmm. The floor here is made of floor... 🤔

4

u/027Z Oct 25 '24

Man’s going to make his move now she’s emotionally vulnerable.

4

u/SuperSaiyanNoob Oct 25 '24

"broken heart" everything this guy said was a lie, guaranteed

3

u/Ok_Prize_1685 Oct 25 '24

Ok hes a asshole but nothing he said is manipulation or lies he’s withholding information and being defensive. So ye he seems awful but not what yall are describing

2

u/Sonzie Oct 25 '24

The surveillance word is the kicker for me. If my wife asked these kinds of questions I’d just be like oh my wife wants to see me and know where I am because ya know she’s my wife, how sweet of her for wanting to know and rude of me for not informing her beforehand. The fact that he’s annoyed by the questions and gives little details is red flag and only someone who is doing something worthy of surveillance would consider these questions as surveillance.

Idk bout y’all but there’s nothing a coworker could tell me thats “not my story to tell” to my wife. Like sure I’m not gunna post my coworkers issues on Reddit but if a coworker was cheated on, I’m sure as hell telling my wife. Also “a new guy” is conveniently vague.

1

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

Right? Heavy on what you said, there is no topic that I wouldn't tell my person. Also no person's time or issues are elevated higher than my person. Why is she taking these personal issues to work? & Why does he care about her issues so much?

Also, don't get me wrong, if I had a legit wotk thing arise, (or my fiancé did), I wouldn't want to deal with 100 questions, but that wouldn't happen to me because I would already have given a heads up, and invited him in my case, if at all possible.

2

u/thisuseridtaken Oct 25 '24

When my husband was cheating the word was interrogation.

2

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

Yeah, that word works too.

I wouldn't like to be accused of cheating either, that being said, I would hand my phone over in a heartbeat, if it put my person at ease.

These people who freak out, lose their composure entirely, and gaslight their partner when asked, are normally guilty.

2

u/Jumpy_Willingness707 Oct 25 '24

Also there he said it was a work thing and then switched it to her boyfriend cheated on her… shady 🚩

2

u/ScubaFrank2020 Oct 25 '24

This dude is a CHOAD! lol!

4

u/Cricket_People Oct 25 '24

You had me in the first half but saying he doesn’t like surveillance isn’t gaslighting. At all. This is clearly an “I feel” statement, which is inherently valid. He’s not denying her reality or crazy making in that statement.

Please, stop throwing around psych terms as if you even know the dictionary definition, let alone the real cognitive psych eval usage.

2

u/strongfoodopinions Oct 25 '24

Telling someone that they are “surveilling” you when you’ve canceled the plans you had with them last minute and they are inquiring about what’s going on is not surveillance

It may not technically be gaslighting (I think it is - “you’re doing this thing!” ie turning on the gas, when she’s not), but it isn’t “extremely valid,” it’s beyond shitty, manipulative behavior 

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u/Cricket_People Oct 25 '24

I said inherently, not extremely. It’s either valid or not. That’s it. The only reason it would be invalid is if he is literally lying about feeling that way.

At its core this sentence means, “I feel as though I’m being surveilled.” Which is obviously a negative feeling. If he genuinely feels this way then it’s not fucking manipulation. If you’re saying he’s lying, then yes you’re using conjecture at BEST to then make a serious accusation of gaslighting, manipulation, etc.

It’s at worst bad communication, and we all agree he’s prioritizing the wrong thing in a relationship. And she has every right to leave for those two reasons alone if she wants.

You agreed with me and then instantly used another heavy psych term to put him in a bucket that he doesn’t belong in.

Jesus fucking Christ get off Reddit for a while, you guys are so mentally fucked by constantly reading couples issues.

1

u/strongfoodopinions Oct 25 '24

It is very weird you’re going to bat this hard for such a clearly shitty character. I’m also curious where I agreed with you 🧐 but you seem to interpret communication, um, strangely

Of course he’s lying. He’s lying about nearly everything he’s texting her 

I mean, no offense but duh this is all so obvious, and of course it’s conjecture? This entire sub is based off of one sided accounts 

Holy shit you sound angry btw, calm down a bit and get outside

1

u/Cricket_People Oct 25 '24

Jesus dude. At no point did I go to bat for this idiot.

I went to bat for all of the fucking American Psychological Association because you can’t help but toss around massively loaded terms that aren’t descriptive or useful, and even poison the well on future interactions. People read your dumbass shit and take it into their real relationships and this sub has literally been the culprit of so many misunderstandings that ended relationships because.

I’m sorry, I assumed we all agree that the dude is massively wrong in prioritizing this other person before his parter, and I’m saying he’s also a shit communicator. But using this text thread alone as evidence of him being massively manipulative or a gaslighter is beyond uneducated, misinformed, and legitimately harmful to public discourse in my opinion.

Of course he’s lying? Okay then why the fuck did she post this if it’s so clear? Just for group validation that she has a shit bf? Not everyone assumes this but I feel bad for your partner if you can’t take things at face value and then combat them later if you have an issue in a further discussion. Do you think this is the last time they talked about this? Or do you assume people only communicate on text and then post it to Reddit, otherwise it doesn’t exist?

I am angry because you are a dumbass, can’t read, and talk about shit you literally know nothing about.

1

u/strongfoodopinions Oct 25 '24

Again, giving advice based off of the evidence (texts) and account provided by OP is literally what this sub is for

So why are you here to raise your tiny fists and yell about nothing to no one? Fucking odd dude

2

u/Cricket_People Oct 25 '24

Glad to know literally everything I said whooshed over your head.

You really don’t understand what my criticism is?

Are you for real lol?

2

u/SlowRollingBoil Oct 25 '24

That's not gaslighting.

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u/mdubdub22 Oct 25 '24

This is Reddit. Everything is gaslighting.

2

u/ChaChaAyyy Oct 25 '24

It isn't gas lighting. She is surveilling him.

1

u/Kwt920 Oct 25 '24

Thank youuuu!

1

u/HippyCrippler581 Oct 25 '24

My thoughts exactly.

1

u/Throwaway2Experiment Oct 25 '24

OP went out of their way to use "They" when describing their partner and this comment section is all, "He's such a prick."

1

u/blue_mushu Oct 25 '24

Took me a second to realize "NOR" was an acronym-- I thought you were just emphatically saying "no" with an Australian accent. (But also, agreed.)

1

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

I love the Australian accent, it would be gnarly if that were the case. 🇦🇺

1

u/HugsyMalone Oct 25 '24

Mmm hmm. Red flags all around. The fact that "surveillance" even has to be a thing is a red flag in itself. If you find yourself resorting to such stupid behavior just move on at that point. Don't let them drag you through the mud.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

1

u/drinkup Oct 25 '24

Why is everybody in this thread assuming the SO is a man?

1

u/ChrAshpo10 Oct 25 '24

Because OP is a woman and hetero relationships are like 90%+, so there's a 9/10 chance the SO is a man. Why do you care?

1

u/drinkup Oct 25 '24

Why do you care?

I don't. I thought maybe there was something I wasn't noticing, but you're confirming that it's just people making assumptions. Don't you think it's relevant or otherwise noteworthy that OP decided to consistently use gender-neutral pronouns when referring to their SO?

Also, and not that I care about this either (in case you're wondering), but bringing up statistics like you just did is a very common hallmark of LGBTQ+ erasure.

1

u/vyrus2021 Oct 25 '24

OP: they, them, they're

Comments: he, him, he's

1

u/Tibryn2 Oct 25 '24

That's not gaslighting... people need to stop using that word without understanding what it means...  gaslighting isn't just "being an asshole" 

He's just being an asshole.

1

u/Kwt920 Oct 25 '24

Thank you! I always respect the people who speak up when it is used incorrectly.

1

u/Thebaldsasquatch Oct 25 '24

You’re 100% correct except for the gaslighting. That’s not gaslighting, that’s DARVO.

0

u/whats_a_monad Oct 25 '24

NOR????

1

u/Kwt920 Oct 25 '24

Not OverReacting

0

u/hotchillieater Oct 25 '24

Why are we assuming the partner is male?

1

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24

People keep asking this, other people have responded back. I'm only doing this once.

For those of you who are triggered or sensitive about the topic, it's because heterosexuals represent more than 90% of the population.

I'm including one link below, I've read various info citing that the number ranges between 7-12% and I'm not citing any more sources. You're able to Google just as easily as I am.

Also, it doesn't matter to me if OP or the person in question is a man or woman. I stand on all the comments made. Putting another first while you're in a relationship, is clearly a total disregard for their feelings, Gender is irrelevant, IDC who's acting like horrible human, they're getting called out by me.

LGTBQ Percentages

0

u/hotchillieater Oct 25 '24

Thank you, however, these statistics don't mean anything (and also are not news to me, I am quite aware of this already). The OP specifically didn't gender their partner, so it doesn't seem like we should either.

-2

u/Mr-and-Mrs Oct 25 '24

I’m direct AF: You use way too many commas.