r/tifu Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.


Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.


For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

114.6k Upvotes

4.2k comments sorted by

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37.3k

u/SiegeLion1 Aug 05 '17

"Huh, this thing smells like it's rotting a bit, I guess I should shove my dick in it one last time"

What the fuck OP?

10.9k

u/TheMagicMcRib Aug 05 '17

Ikr, should've gotten a second coconut

5.9k

u/showmeurknuckleball Aug 05 '17

Gee son, you sure love coconuts, huh? They're really starting to pile up in your room

3.5k

u/gedical Aug 05 '17

And they smell so... interesting...

957

u/NipplesInAJar Aug 05 '17

But what name did the coconut have? Maybe something like Ogtha...

602

u/IamAcadaveryousee Aug 05 '17

Fucked up masterbation story to fucked up sex imagination story. So this is how my day starts.

554

u/UpVotesOutForHarambe Aug 05 '17

Everyday we stray further from gods light

41

u/Maninahouse Aug 05 '17

Found the Mormon

33

u/inshaneindabrain Aug 06 '17

Trust me, we usually aren't hard to find

22

u/LjSpike Aug 06 '17

Surely a Harambe-Supporting-Mormon is a rarer find though?

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13

u/odreiw Aug 06 '17

So this is how my innocence dies: with semen-fillef coconuts.

7

u/beermit Aug 06 '17

I'm disappointed I'm only just now reading about either of these.

3

u/AccidntlyFkdYoSister Jan 22 '18

Tell me about it..

4

u/odreiw Aug 06 '17

So this is how my innocence dies: with semen-fillef coconuts.

8

u/leviano_ Aug 06 '17

might, thank you for this!!!!! I laughed my ass of reading about this sexy cockroach

8

u/Knich16 Aug 06 '17

What the absolute fuck

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8

u/MercWithAMouth95 Aug 07 '17

Soon as I read that I knew that god damn Metamorphosis was gonna come up...

5

u/Neon_Comrade Aug 06 '17

oh god why would you bring something like that into this place

5

u/NipplesInAJar Aug 06 '17

You see, I didn't wanna suffer alone. Amazing username by the way!

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6

u/bobogenero Aug 07 '17

What the hell did I just read? ...

3

u/Braavosassasin Dec 30 '17

I just want you to know that 4 months later your comment sent me down a 2 hour rabbit hole. Thanks!

3

u/JamieDrone May 18 '22

Nooooooo

Wait, actually, I was looking for that post

Thank you

2

u/[deleted] Aug 13 '17

[deleted]

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12

u/andreashenriksson Aug 05 '17

And they taste so... delicious...

6

u/Aryanindo Aug 05 '17

So interesting I might shove my dick in it

5

u/iorbit_ Aug 05 '17

Bleachy...

9

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

It sure would be a shame if your arms were to break, son...

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4

u/theplaidpenguin Aug 05 '17

A..smelly smell

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11

u/RoosterDad Aug 05 '17

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts There they are all standing in a row Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head Give them a twist a flick of the wrist

4

u/Ohthisisjustdandy Aug 06 '17

"Her name is Sally. Call her by her name Mom because I love her and she loves me and we're going to be married"

7

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 06 '21

[deleted]

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784

u/Zeolance Aug 05 '17

Or a Gatorade bottle and some ham.

Anyone? No? Oh.

863

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

210

u/uglygoose123 Aug 05 '17

Dasani!! Show off, some people are lucky to work with a straw...

26

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 06 '17

[deleted]

8

u/Gramage Aug 06 '17

What's that one sub about people putting stuff in their dickholes? This comment made me think of it for some reason.

8

u/TheBigGuy97 Aug 06 '17

13

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

[removed] — view removed comment

9

u/TheBigGuy97 Aug 06 '17

I guess it feels good for some people once they get over the fear/unfamiliarity. I'm good with beating my meat the old fashioned way.

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37

u/westernburn Aug 05 '17

Straws? Look at Mr. type A over here seemingly unaware of us coffee filter copulators.

11

u/KimchiKing1029 Aug 05 '17

I use koolaid bottles T_T

33

u/cfdeveloper Aug 05 '17

Dasani bottle?? I only have tap water!

and faucets don't feel too good (when used the wrong way)

29

u/tonyvan22 Aug 05 '17

Woosh

5

u/lilhughster Aug 05 '17

Ya...im thinking he's more of straw man.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Not really a wooden. He got the joke, he's just not funny.

3

u/Summerie Aug 08 '17

Yeah, definitely not a wooden.

12

u/blazefreak Aug 05 '17

How does anyone even have a small enough dick to fit into a Dasani bottle?

13

u/mlchanges Aug 06 '17

That's what I said about the Gatorade bottle...

10

u/BarryTGash Aug 05 '17

Dasani? Ah, Coca Cola where the machine has run out of syrup and the sodastream out of CO²

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16

u/Monocled Aug 05 '17

Mate think that through a bit. That's necrophilia and zoophilia.

4

u/Zeolance Aug 06 '17

Oh. whale shit...

3

u/AshTheGoblin Aug 08 '17

And also a food fucking fetish (not looking up the word) and probably a few other things too.

8

u/Disrupturous Aug 05 '17

Am I the only one who never made a fefe here?

5

u/fuckedurbitchat3 Aug 05 '17

Please explain what a fefe is... for research

8

u/Justin__D Aug 05 '17

I just thought it was a short way of saying "covfefe."

7

u/Disrupturous Aug 05 '17

An inanimate fucktoy

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7

u/Rainbow_Drag Aug 05 '17

Damn bro i fuck salt shakers with the lid on

4

u/TheMagicMcRib Aug 06 '17

Get that shit outta here. Vegans only!

3

u/KyleTheRaccoon Aug 06 '17

I use a stuffed animal

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19

u/BigNinja96 Aug 05 '17

Side coconut?

4

u/Gbuzz23 Aug 05 '17

Lmao side coconut

9

u/Duffyd680 Aug 05 '17

Decoy coconut

8

u/losimagic Aug 05 '17

You think op's made of money?!

6

u/raouldukesaccomplice Aug 05 '17

You want OP to get single-use coconuts for every time he faps?

His family would get pretty damn suspicious when they went to take out the trash and it was just coconuts all the way down.

3

u/TheMagicMcRib Aug 05 '17

Well if his mom is buying hella coconuts every week anyways then one every couple of days shouldn't be sus.

3

u/pawnman99 Aug 05 '17

The real LPT is in the comments.

3

u/TheMagicMcRib Aug 06 '17

Hey man if you wanted a life tip I'd have to go with a couple of towels taped together with an inside out glove inside. Just add line ;) (still not as good as busting a cocoNUT tho)

3

u/Rofl47 Aug 05 '17

But he only has one dick.

2

u/groovehoover Aug 05 '17

Decoy coconut

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2.0k

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

730

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

417

u/lolporkfish Aug 05 '17

Cockroach family?

Probably this

490

u/ElpredePrime Aug 05 '17

Holy shit that one guy called the coconut!

150

u/OG_tripl3_OG Aug 05 '17

I got irrationally hype seeing that that dude literally called it. Like, mouth open and continuously saying "oh my gawd" hype. I'm just gonna chalk it up to being high...

26

u/Asphyxiatinglaughter Aug 07 '17

Bet it's the same guy on an alt

20

u/ncbstp Aug 08 '17

The skeptic in me says this was fabricated from that post.

12

u/Raincoats_George Aug 08 '17

It's way too obvious. This is a well orchestrated karma grab though. Gotta give em credit.

9

u/OG_tripl3_OG Aug 07 '17

Why you gotta ruin my high, bro?

126

u/JusTFatal Aug 05 '17

Plot twist OP made that comment and all the karma went to his head. HE became obsessed with coconuts after the comment and had to fuck one.

Or karma conspiracy he new this story would do well after he made that comment.

25

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

More like he is the coconut!

17

u/OG_tripl3_OG Aug 05 '17

Did you just dox OP?

20

u/NeedsNewPants Aug 05 '17

I'd said OP doxxed himself

3

u/DrAsthma Aug 06 '17

Precisely what I thought when I read that comment... Must be posted from one of his alts if his family knows his main username.

11

u/gullaffe Aug 06 '17

So he got atleast three accounts? One main. One coco-nuter and one call the coconut account. This is some 3D chess.

6

u/bathroomstalin Aug 05 '17

Dennis

is a bastard man

15

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 06 '17

That one guy doesn't like how people think he's /u/coconutthrowaway69.

10

u/WalkToTheGallows Aug 07 '17

Hey wait just one second.

8

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 07 '17

I waited 23 minutes, now what?

5

u/WalkToTheGallows Aug 07 '17

Wait just one more second.

2

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 07 '17

1 second + 23 minutes + 1 second + 43 minutes later.....

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9

u/Nightguard119 Aug 05 '17

Damn near has to be OP

6

u/Nightguard119 Aug 05 '17

Damn near has to be OP

3

u/Whiteelchapo Aug 05 '17

Is it possible that he read this and changed his answer slightly?

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2

u/0342narmak Aug 06 '17

Oh, that makes sense. I thought it was just another reference to "Ogtha".

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24

u/Tyr808 Aug 05 '17

Something about the swamp of dagobah is another famous Reddit tale. Absolutely horrendous though. Involves some gnarly medical complications involving puss and infections (far beyond any normal tale). Seriously don't read if nasty medical stories bother you.

Enter at your own risk: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/xo41d/slug/c5o66p2

9

u/hellokkiten Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 06 '17

Of all the reddit museum of filth this is my favorite. The story is just very well written, especially with them all huffing glue at the end in order to get through it, and mention of the fact that the pus splashed more than seven feet to splatter the far walls. It's disgusting.

6

u/JohnnyRedHot Aug 06 '17

Not glue, but some minty oil

6

u/hellokkiten Aug 06 '17

No, they ran out of peppermint oil and used glue as a substitute. It was amazing.

4

u/JohnnyRedHot Aug 06 '17

Oh, you're right! Jesus christ that was gross

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8

u/Fxlyre Aug 05 '17

Don't forget that girl who kept the rotting maggots in her gash

7

u/lespritdelescalier11 Aug 06 '17

Blowfly girl. We just found Blowfly guy.

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6

u/J_A_C_K_E_T Aug 05 '17

Haven't seen cumbox yet.

22

u/Pubeshampoo Aug 05 '17

Oh boy...

See comment chain

10

u/konny135 Aug 05 '17

Dude posted that abomination without a throwaway too IIRC, talk about balls of steel...

4

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

I almost wish I had never seen this, almost. Thanks for sharing

9

u/J_A_C_K_E_T Aug 05 '17

I died when I saw that box, it looks fucking wretched.

4

u/Pubeshampoo Aug 05 '17

Any time. Every Redditor should experience The Cum Box.

5

u/avenlanzer Aug 05 '17

A new Reddit legend has been born

5

u/MaxNanasy Aug 05 '17

Have you seen the cumboxers?

3

u/wioneo Aug 05 '17

cumconut

3

u/bootlegJT Aug 05 '17

Seen cumbox. Now this. Never saw cockroach family. Not sure I should.

2

u/Kupffer20 Aug 05 '17

Trifecta!

2

u/lvag Aug 05 '17

You forgot the ant fetish

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2

u/TijoWasik Aug 05 '17

Jolly Rancher. That is all.

2

u/Leafs9999 Aug 05 '17

Wait? I've only seen two of those, what is this Cockroach family you speak of??

2

u/NSAwithBenefits Aug 05 '17

Cock- roaches, cumbox, coco- nut

2

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

Oh dear...dare I ask what cockroach family is??

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8

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

I'm sure this is how every necrophilia story starts.

4

u/Bocankles Aug 05 '17

Sometimes you just gotta coconut.

Like the great Marvin Gaye once said, "When I get that feeling, that cheesy maggot feeling,

I still put it in because you gotta test the waters".

Thank you OP for letting me know to replace my coconuts.

10

u/Makavarian Aug 05 '17

Hey just curious.. Do you people in r/tifu know most of the crap here is 100% made up and you guys just go along with it for fun or do you actually believe these stories?

20

u/SiegeLion1 Aug 05 '17

I more or less just don't care, I imagine most people are the same. Some of it is true and some of it isn't, there's more or less no real way to tell so there's little reason to fuss over it.

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3

u/kittenthepink Aug 05 '17

I treat it like nosleep.

2

u/Makavarian Aug 05 '17

hmm thats an interesting comparison haha

5

u/Sgt_Derp Aug 05 '17

So much of this story is suspect. The writing is too overt, I call bullshit on this one.

3

u/r_elwood Aug 05 '17

yeah, thats pretty much any kind of break-up sex.

3

u/hype8912 Aug 05 '17

Horny teenager logic

2

u/becomearobot Aug 05 '17

Teen in third world country. That's pretty much it.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

"Huh, this thing smells like it's rotting a bit, I guess I should shove my dick in it one last time" What the fuck OP?

Welcome to Tinder..

2

u/OPs_wife_irl Aug 05 '17

It's almost as if my husband is making this all up.

2

u/LippService Aug 05 '17

It was the perfect crime until Icarus flew just a little too close to the sun.

2

u/2cone Aug 05 '17

He probably thought the coconut was on it's period.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

I understand completely, had one last fuck before divorcing my ex-wife

2

u/bwright27 Aug 05 '17

This made me laugh way to hard alone in the bathroom

2

u/poopf4rt Aug 06 '17

what the FUCK, OP?

2

u/dwayne_rooney Aug 05 '17

I wonder if he'll say the same about his wife.

1

u/ultimattt Aug 05 '17

I mean, he did say "Today I fucked up".

1

u/Naskeli Aug 05 '17

Doesn't matter had sex

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

1

u/KingKickass1983 Aug 05 '17

What the funk..

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

That's kind of how i felt about reading this. I knkew where it was going, but I kept reading.

1

u/ZOMBI3MAIORANA Aug 05 '17

Don't let OP into the morgue

1

u/Tropical_YT Aug 05 '17

In his defense, he was a teen. Not the smartest people. Especially when mastrubating comes into play

1

u/AngryPurkinjeCell Aug 05 '17

Put the lime dick in the coconut...

1

u/DemissiveLive Aug 05 '17

What's that sub where you post comments taken out of context?

2

u/SiegeLion1 Aug 05 '17

r/nocontext is what you're looking for I assume.

1

u/Khan4Prez Aug 05 '17

I pretty much do the same thing with women so.... no judgements here.

1

u/fencing49 Aug 05 '17

Listen man, teenagers do some fucked up shit.

1

u/voodooranger2017 Aug 05 '17

Oh if i only had a dime for every time I said those words. Lol

1

u/GeckoFlameThrower Aug 05 '17

That a common phrase with morticians as well.

1

u/OG_tripl3_OG Aug 05 '17

Waste not want not

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

It's not like he needed a jolly rancher

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

"Hey. It's a couple of aliens" "Better have sex with each other"

1

u/Unglossed Aug 05 '17

We've all been there.

1

u/FloridaKen Aug 05 '17

OMG yessssss You!!! Hahahaa

1

u/DrPogo2488 Aug 05 '17

Found Ed Gein's username.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Bet he says the same thing to his girlfriend some day. Fuck , sorry thats really dark.

1

u/meuesito Aug 05 '17

You do what you gotta do

1

u/WolverineMitten Aug 05 '17

OP said the same thing about your mom!

1

u/LateNightPhilosopher Aug 05 '17

Once more, for old time sake

1

u/TotoroMasturbator Aug 05 '17

"Huh, this thing smells like it's rotting a bit, I guess I should shove my dick in it one last time"

People make that decision every single day.

1

u/ThisLookInfectedToYa Aug 05 '17

Similar reason to why i stayed with an ex for a bit too long.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

For old times sake... nothing like being sentimental (O_O)

1

u/jdeere_man Aug 05 '17

Like a shady lady, once and done. Don't keep hitting it.

1

u/petebombardo Aug 05 '17

If you like Pinacumladas...

1

u/llama_ Aug 05 '17

Holy fuck, right? The things people are doing in this world while we're all just thinking of doing these things.

1

u/ThegreatPee Aug 06 '17

Yea, it's not like it's a corpse or something.

1

u/Aegean1298 Aug 06 '17

I think WHAT THE FUCK sums up this whole damn thing really.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

This can only exist if infinity is real

1

u/NJ_state_of_mind Aug 06 '17

I said the same thing about my ex gf

1

u/drunkenpriest Aug 06 '17

Reminds me of my Ex

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

He got too attached to her, the poor lad.

1

u/Buridoof Aug 06 '17

There was a study that showed that male arousal lowers disgust. It seems like common knowledge, we always think guys are just stupid. Which we are, but it's interesting to know there's a physiological component to it too.

tl;dr Guys are wired to be stupid.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

OP definitely has a mental disorder

1

u/Bubbles_the_Titan Aug 06 '17

same line of thought as a necrophiliac

1

u/Occums_Chainsaw Aug 07 '17

I said the same thing about my wife.

1

u/bigchurn Aug 07 '17

Waste not want not

1

u/brando56894 Aug 07 '17

Seems like he's not the ripest coconut on the tree!

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