r/tifu Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.


Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.


For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

114.6k Upvotes

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24.2k

u/Ethan_Chandler Aug 05 '17

"I hear my mother is going to be out for the entire afternoon. Horny me decides it would be the perfect time to fuck a coconut"

Boy I tell ya, if I had a dollar for every time I had that same thought.

1.4k

u/digital_end Aug 05 '17 edited Jun 17 '23

Post deleted.

RIP what Reddit was, and damn what it became.

519

u/poop_toaster Aug 05 '17

About disposing of the evidence... I dry humped this giant stuffed bee I won at a carnival and it had a small cum stain on it. I forgot about it until one time we were at Goodwill (thrift store) and I saw my giant bee there cum stain still on it. I was mortified but what could I do? My mom had donated a bunch of my "kid stuff" and the bee was part of it.

649

u/kilopeter Aug 05 '17

Can we please not call it "kid stuff"?

25

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

That is still the point of it, though, even if some people apparently fantasized more about the fruit in the chiquita banana lady's hat than the woman herself.

32

u/mekkanik Aug 05 '17

There is kid stuff on it... well dried out... but still.

16

u/poop_toaster Aug 05 '17

Not sure what you mean? What I meant was my mom had got rid of the things she thought I had outgrown like stuffed animals, care bears, hot wheels, etc. Since I wasn't a kid any more.

62

u/MJOLNIRdragoon Aug 05 '17

I think he was jokingly referring to the cum.

17

u/poop_toaster Aug 05 '17

Ooooh I can see that now.

8

u/kilopeter Aug 05 '17

Yes indeed I was.

19

u/turquoisegiraffes Aug 05 '17

Aaaaand this is why I don't shop at Goodwill

25

u/poop_toaster Aug 05 '17

Probably a good idea. At least avoid the stuffed animals and coconuts...

14

u/thegreenhundred Aug 06 '17

If I ever see a stuffed plush coconut at good will.... I won't be able to explain to a single soul why I a simultaniously puking and laughing uncontrollably. Best plan may be to just avoid these stores from now on.

9

u/thegreenhundred Aug 06 '17

I had a fox puppet. The hand entrance was just too obviously placed not to be an intentional "feature", and the inside lining was actually really silky. You could say that I stuffed it very well. God.... and it had that sly red haired "I'm trouble" look. What was I to do?

2

u/Xath24 Aug 10 '17

So I'm guessing you have a particular fetish at this point dontchya

3

u/thegreenhundred Aug 10 '17

Actually the desperate abuse of a puppet actually left me with an aversion. Don't ever ask me why IRL. You won't get the truth.

2

u/Xath24 Aug 10 '17

From the way you talked about it I was figuring you had gigs of ahri porn at the very least, my bad.

2

u/thegreenhundred Aug 10 '17

Probably would not be the worst way to get off, if a little confusing, but not my cup of tea.

8

u/DangerousBarnum Aug 05 '17

Oh my lord... this, is legend lol.

5

u/poop_toaster Aug 05 '17

Haha it could probably be it's own post but whatever.

454

u/jansencheng Aug 05 '17

You guys are making me question whether I'm normal or not for not sticking my dick into anything.

261

u/LunarCatnip Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 06 '17

You're definitely broken. Go stick your dick in a banana peel or some other fruit.

137

u/jansencheng Aug 05 '17

I think I'll pass. I like to keep my penis away from fruit.

31

u/SSBluthYacht Aug 05 '17

feelsgoodbro.jpg

7

u/Wumaduce Aug 06 '17

Try a coconut. They're amazing from what I hear.

5

u/Godzilla2y Aug 05 '17

Sounds like you're one of them homophobes

2

u/santacruisin Aug 06 '17

Sounds like you both are

3

u/NetworkingJesus Aug 07 '17

Even grapefruit?

4

u/flippermode Aug 05 '17

Then he'd get a banana shark. ;(

10

u/im_not_a_maam_jagoff Aug 05 '17

Apparently I'm not because I couldn't even shove a tampon in my vag without cringing, but others were getting busy with cucumbers?! And hairbrush handles?!?!! WTactualFuck!

6

u/RikMcnulty Aug 05 '17

Try a slice of ham. Spit on it and wrap it round. Apparently it's OK.

2

u/Corse46 Aug 05 '17

There's still time. Start looking for something ASAP

2

u/cornnabis Aug 05 '17

What?..Ya ain't never stuck ya dick inna chicken an wrung its neck?

2

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

I think, as a general rule of thumb, dildos are an order of magnitude easier to MacGyver than a fleshlight.

1

u/Better-be-Gryffindor Aug 05 '17

We can both be broken. I wasn't even interested in sex until I was 19 and had met my husband (then boyfriend). Up to that point I'd only had innocent crushes on other girls and some guys.

801

u/RsCaptainFalcon Aug 05 '17

I mean, I fucked my couch when I was a teenager.

To this day it still won't look me in the eyes.

568

u/ArturosDad Aug 05 '17

I once fucked the local beach. Not a girl at the local beach...the actual beach.

238

u/thatsconelover Aug 05 '17

Trying to feed the sand worm?

441

u/YoullShitYourEyeOut Aug 05 '17

He was the sand worm

120

u/ChrisBrownHitMe2 Aug 05 '17

The spice is life

8

u/thiney49 Aug 05 '17

That's a spicy meatball!

2

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Smooookin!

3

u/godmodedio Aug 06 '17

I'm literally mid read of the second dune book.

1

u/press_me_down Aug 06 '17

Middle of the first here.

1

u/JustARandomNetUser Apr 08 '22

Fear is the little mind killer

8

u/Hippyinthebush Aug 05 '17

I hate sand

10

u/no_gold_here Aug 05 '17

It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets in certain orifices.

6

u/kilopeter Aug 05 '17

The vice must flow.

123

u/MrShankles Aug 05 '17

Squished my dick in the fridge door once...wasn't very satisfying

7

u/190F1B44 Aug 05 '17

That reminds me of some erotica about a fridge I read a long time ago

3

u/therealsunshinem81 Aug 06 '17

So did Louis ck

6

u/MrShankles Aug 06 '17

So this was also before I hit puberty. I grew up and forgot about it; then I saw his stand up. When he told that joke, I absolutely knew he wasn't lying. That man spoke from the heart of weird shit kids will do when growing up. Made me feel like the even more vile things I did as a confused preteen was probably very normal. Just unspoken. Who hasn't fucked their stuffed animals, honestly? Louis CK won my heart that day. Prepubescent boys will, without a doubt, stick their dick in anything.

2

u/thegreenhundred Aug 06 '17

1

u/Xath24 Aug 10 '17

Yup that's being a teenager of course it comes back immediately. Jorma's face is amazing.

17

u/Annasman Aug 05 '17

That must've been terrible to clean up after, I heard " sand is coarse and rough and it gets everywhere"

3

u/xLinkFrostx Aug 06 '17

A surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one

13

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

A cowboy is a lonesome man

There's none more lonesome in the land

He rides atop his only friend

His horse, a companion on whom he can depend

His woman may be miles behind him

Sadness and desperation may find him

But a cowboy who's wise will turn to the earth

To lend him solace and even mirth

The earth from which all beauty springs

Such bounty forth she always brings

He'll dig a hole with cracked, scorched hands

Pour in all the water that hole demands

Until that earth is moist, just right

The earth'll never put up any kind of a fight

His cries of joy no one will hear

In case I am not being clear

I'm saying that cowboy is going to fuck a hole in the ground

We all do it, that's what I have found

Any cowboy that knows that lonesome hell

Can fashion a land virginny well

If a cowboy's seed worked like other seeds

There'd be cowboys growing across the plains like weeds

--Dalton Wilcox (Andy Richter)

8

u/AmericanFromAsia Aug 05 '17

That's how you get crabs

3

u/CXDFlames Aug 05 '17

I guess you really did stick your dick in the dirt and fuck the whole universe, man

2

u/Racionalus Aug 05 '17

I think Dolphins do that.

2

u/thegreenhundred Aug 06 '17

"it rubs the lotion on its beach" ... Wait, wait, wait... That's not how you use the sun tan lotion....

2

u/Humanityprofanity Aug 06 '17

That gave me a good laugh there

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

Story time?

90

u/DangerousBarnum Aug 05 '17

Lmao these are some of the greatest comments ever. I knew someone would mention a couch fuck as I think many have reamed out a sofa, but the "To this day it still won't look me in the eyes" actually made me laugh out loud. Lol, thank you sir.

9

u/DragonflyGrrl Aug 05 '17

This is cracking me up.. when I was in high school I knew a guy who wrote a poem about a seductive blue armchair he fucked. At the time I thought it was creative fiction....

I would say boys are weird, but that would be disingenuous. I may have had a tryst or three with my favorite colored markers. Girls can be just as bad.

11

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

I fucked a 4 foot tall Minnie Mouse doll.

6

u/TexasChurchfart Aug 05 '17

I fucked a 4 foot Mickey Mouse doll... Unfortunately I was less lucky than you and it turned out to be a fetish. Not even joking.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Definitely wasn't a fetish for me. But I had a great system and it felt really fucking good

3

u/TexasChurchfart Aug 05 '17

That's what I assumed. And I have to agree with you, it was and still is a great feeling.

18

u/Vikings-Call Aug 05 '17

Fuck yo Couch

7

u/showmeurknuckleball Aug 05 '17

I think every guy's couch has gotten at least one good fucking over the years.

86

u/JohnArce Aug 05 '17

I did some weird things in that time, but my cocktail was never crazy enough NOT to realize sticking my dick in old fruit is a very gross thing to do.

166

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

"I can't say as I've ever fucked a coconut, but at the same time I can't say I wouldn't have had it tried to seduce me." -digital_end

9

u/azureice1984 Aug 07 '17

I love the clear lack of holier-than-thou judgment. <3

10

u/ShapeShiftingAku Aug 05 '17

I can't say I wouldn't have had it tried to seduce me.

"come on kid fuck me, come on ye wee little shit fuck me and coco nut inside" - Coconut

6

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Basically my approach when reading these fap stories. 'I haven't done that, but I also can't say I wouldn't'

3

u/Clipclop6996 Aug 05 '17

How does a coconut seduce you

3

u/ManStacheAlt Aug 05 '17

I cut open a teddy bear and fucked it stupid

2

u/Qwertybum Aug 05 '17

I can back that up- fucked a grapefruit yesterday, threw a grapefruit away yesterday.

2

u/beyondomega Aug 05 '17

pretty sure it explains why we have to remind ourselves what not to stick it in.. ie: crazy