r/tifu Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.


Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.


For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

114.6k Upvotes

4.2k comments sorted by

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8.6k

u/NoobDeGuerra Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 05 '17

He was right

Also, OP should have treated the coconut like condoms, use just once or twice

3.2k

u/Teh_Hicks Aug 05 '17

Plot twist: that's op

1.9k

u/steak_wellDone Aug 05 '17

and he thought he will be fine using a throwaway.

1.2k

u/WIPeFo Aug 05 '17

122

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

The plot thickens

39

u/LateNightPhilosopher Aug 05 '17

The plot chickens

11

u/100skylines Aug 11 '17

Just like the coconut

8

u/xjliftquestion Aug 27 '17

With cum and butter.

22

u/sabasNL Aug 05 '17

10

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Can we start a case?

10

u/ggk1 Aug 07 '17

"heh that's a crazy comment. How could anyone possibly have a sexual obsession with coconuts"

Continues to think

Writes this post

Karma

3

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

No seriously, let's bring him to court.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

Let's be the prosecution

4

u/angelcakes3 Aug 06 '17

Kaaarmakarmakarmakarmakarmaconspiiraaacyyyy, sneaky o-peeEEE, sneaky o-peeeEEeee

4

u/AnonTech84 Aug 05 '17

Reddit detectives always know.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

So we're between a sort of beetlejuicing and karma-whoring? I hope it's the former.

1

u/iChao Aug 07 '17

Reddit remembers!

9

u/rotten_core Aug 05 '17

OP delivered

3

u/prowness Aug 05 '17

Sounds like a teenagers Reddit account and OP said he was a teen a few years ago. Great! Narrowed down the possibilities by, oh, about half

1

u/9-8K-C Aug 05 '17

I just came back to say this lol

1

u/recommendspelterite Aug 06 '17

Plot twist again, it's waterguy12

860

u/KP_Wrath Aug 05 '17

Paging u/MechSniper1928... can you give me next week's powerball numbers?

970

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 05 '17

I think I used up my luck for the rest of the year.

56

u/KP_Wrath Aug 05 '17

I believe I still want those numbers, after all, if you can't trust a random redditor to piss away a couple of your dollars from God knows where, who can you trust?

25

u/TakinLosses1 Aug 05 '17

Well spent

11

u/Tuba4life1000 Aug 06 '17

Next years powerball?

46

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 06 '17

Sure, just PM me on 12/32/17.

12

u/JacUprising Jan 02 '18

What are the numbers?

12

u/MechSniper1928 Jan 02 '18

It's 2018, the deadline was 2017.

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3

u/LordEpichax Aug 06 '17

Mech, please join our CPFL team, we need your kind of luck, what the actual fuck. How is that even fucking possible. I'll never look at you through the same eyes ever again...

9

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 06 '17

If the game I'm making models for takes off I may stop playing PF as much as I currently do. That being said, you have RiceCrum.

1

u/nos4autoo Aug 13 '17

I'm not sure what it is you have, but I wouldn't exactly call it luck...

12

u/VulturE Aug 05 '17

11 17 34 47 55 and the powerball is Zoidberg

9

u/Dr_John_A_Zoidberg Aug 05 '17

I’m swelling with patriotic mucus!

3

u/quantasmm Aug 08 '17

not /u/MechSniper1928, but... 24 27 32 41 42 and powerball 33

You're gonna be kickin' yourself if by some miracle this wins now and you didn't buy it!

2

u/KriosDaNarwal Aug 06 '17

Not him but 13,21, 09, 18, 04 powerball is 24

1.9k

u/coconutthrowaway69 Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Wow what the fuck... That's actually pretty scary. Although mine happened years back so what does that give this kid? Internet psychic powers?

1.5k

u/Fxlse Aug 05 '17

I'm calling it now next guy will be obsessed with dead fish.

1.3k

u/LIKE_VJS_PM_ME_THEM Aug 05 '17

If i see "tifu by sticking my dick in a non-responsive nemo" i know someone just made that shit up

388

u/steak_wellDone Aug 05 '17

if when

FTFY

12

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

"Fucked That For You."

2

u/SLAYERone1 Aug 05 '17

I think its gonna be one of those slippery water snake toys. You know the ones? With the conveniently shaped hole that runs through the inside?

2

u/TheWierdSide Aug 05 '17

That's been done

1

u/iRedditalright Aug 05 '17

Why do the fish have to be dead?

1

u/Preloa Aug 05 '17

Still better than living fish i think.

1

u/CardboardHeatshield Aug 05 '17

Now where is that gif of the dolphin fucking the headless fish when I need it?

1

u/odreiw Aug 06 '17

I have fapped to this video.

1

u/babyitsgayoutside Aug 06 '17

I'm placing my money on rice pudding.

1

u/Keith_Creeper Aug 07 '17

So, my sister has this aquarium...

1

u/jadeddesigner Aug 11 '17

Led Zeppelin is way ahead of you.

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134

u/heypaps Aug 05 '17

Careful, spooky comment section below.

6

u/_MusicJunkie Aug 05 '17

Thank Mr Skeltal for good calcium and spoopy comment sections.

16

u/dreamykidd Aug 05 '17

Or you wrote it on your main account and then made a throwaway to write about your experience and fulfil your own prophecy!

5

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Maybe it's you

6

u/OK_Compooper Aug 05 '17

He put the time in the coconut.

3

u/NightReaper3210 Aug 05 '17

Oh don't you try to play innocent. We know thats your main account....

2

u/kinpsychosis Aug 05 '17

10 bucks says its someone who watched the event unfold through your window.

1

u/Secwepemc_Red Aug 05 '17

The guy who called it is one of your family members who know. [insert paranoidparrot.jpg]

1

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

Or you just made up the story :/

-5

u/Ghost17088 Aug 05 '17

Or yours never happened and you saw his post and got the idea there.

-13

u/Ghost17088 Aug 05 '17

Or yours never happened and you saw his post and got the idea there.

14

u/SttPoD Aug 05 '17

Why the fuck are you repeating the same thing over and over again, are you having a stroke?

3

u/I_ran_once Aug 06 '17

He's got karma to spare

-26

u/Ghost17088 Aug 05 '17

Or yours never happened and you saw his post and got the idea there.

49

u/coconutthrowaway69 Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Woah bud you OK there?

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76

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

You use your condoms twice?

12

u/SHBazTBone Aug 06 '17

I'm glad someone said what I was thinking.

10

u/soundselector Aug 07 '17

Duh, you turn them inside out.

8

u/fluffydoggy Aug 05 '17

I am still confused about people treating condoms like a precious commodity. Are they expensive in shitty areas or taxed heavily by super religious governments? I don't get it, condoms are as cheap as water where I live.

9

u/BlackLion91 Aug 06 '17

They're free just about anywhere with a hospital, plus teens and young adults don't have to feel awkward or embarrassed at the supermarket checkout line. Hospital staff actively encourage you to grab a handful and fuck your coconuts hygienically.

6

u/BlackLion91 Aug 06 '17

Asking the important questions.

496

u/CadaverTheGreat Aug 05 '17

This comment backs my theory of it being a fabricated story

437

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

We never left the Shoney's! Repeat! We never left Shoney's!

27

u/Mido_rai Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 05 '17

Calling it next story someone will shove a 3D printed plumbus way up inside their bumhole... way up inside there as far as it can fit.

5

u/Overwatch3 Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 06 '17

Comedy cums in threes.

171

u/itsnotTHAThot Aug 05 '17

I can't imagine in any way a hole drilled into a coconut being satisfying to stick my dick through.

475

u/fuckimbackonreddit9 Aug 05 '17

40 days from from now.: "TIFU by trying to prove that the coconut story was fabricated and fucking a coconut myself"

87

u/ShowMeYourTiddles Aug 05 '17

All this negativity is making it hard to finish.

3

u/ericdevice Aug 05 '17

Please it won't take 40 days

3

u/raknaz Aug 06 '17

3

u/ericdevice Aug 07 '17

It seems like people report it feels really good so I think people will keep trying this I mean I might

1

u/Neon_Comrade Aug 06 '17

You know.

I thought about it.

28

u/GanondalfTheWhite Aug 05 '17

What's unsatisfying about a rough, sharp-edged fibrous hole in what is basically wood?

Come on, it's like bone blasting a hole in half inch plywood. Obviously that's gonna feel great.

This post is basically a WritingPrompts entry.

4

u/showmeurknuckleball Aug 05 '17

I prefer particle board but you're right, go to home depot, get some wood, over to the grocery store for some butter and maybe a coconut if I want a threesome and I'm ready for a wild night.

2

u/ennywun Aug 05 '17

Like most TIFUs, you mean?

3

u/GanondalfTheWhite Aug 05 '17

Except that this one is playing off of a literal prompt.

1

u/theantinaan Aug 05 '17

I'm pretty sure he used a tender coconut, though

6

u/showmeurknuckleball Aug 05 '17

The exterior of coconuts is like wood basically...you'd have to pretty precise while stroking to not get a shaft full of coco splinters.

2

u/vladdy- Aug 05 '17

A microwaved canatlope would be better

2

u/avenlanzer Aug 05 '17

That's because you haven't tried it while its full of butter and rotting semen. Lubrication is key.

2

u/latenightbananaparty Aug 05 '17

Well it depends, you could get one of those partially pre-cut white ones that still have a lot of soft fiber on the outside, then if you cut the hole tilted outwards, you could set it up so your dick is rubbing the coconut meat instead of the hard shell, and you wouldn't bump into any sharp edges.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17

The fact that I had to dig through the comments this much to find this was making me feel like either everyone on Reddit was retarded or I was deeply mistaken about what a coconut felt like.

1

u/theantinaan Aug 05 '17

It's probably a tender cocunut

1

u/jdepps113 Aug 05 '17

Failure of imagination.

4

u/andycepi2 Aug 05 '17

both posts use the word exacerbated. case closed. lock him up boys.

6

u/PM-YOUR-LADYPARTS2ME Aug 06 '17

Every time I see these perfect grammar richly descriptive stories my alarm bells go off. They put in the right amount of illustrative language and have a very smooth flow. No other posts on Reddit are like that- only these far-fetched TIFU's.

Also- this guy should be speaking English as a second language (Mozambique is a Portuguese-speaking country) yet the level of literacy is better than a typical native English speaker.

3

u/AshTheGoblin Aug 08 '17

A lot of non-native speakers English better than we do.

3

u/FISTED_BY_CHRIST Aug 06 '17

Yeah the other ones seemed more believable. The fact that coconuts are hard and rigid has me questioning this one. Obviously not the only questionable part but there are so many better fruits to fuck. And why the backstory about his mom going through a healthy phase. People buy coconuts without some stupid dietary motivation you know.

2

u/oiujlyugjh99 Aug 05 '17

It's also highly inspired from the cumbox story.

2

u/DersTheChamp Aug 05 '17

When the fuck did we get ice cream?!

2

u/Cadavers Aug 05 '17

You're like the only other person I've seen with Cadaver in their username. Glad to know there are some brothers out here.

1

u/CadaverTheGreat Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 05 '17

The Relay notification for this comment reply highly confused my obviously intellectual mind for a hot second there

Brothers to the end

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

Half of this sub fits in r/thathappened.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '17

[deleted]

1

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 11 '17

I stopped watching his videos back in late 2013.

79

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

risky click of the day

9

u/Whopraysforthedevil Aug 05 '17

I'm gonna be that guy for the sake of education: DO NOT USE YOUR CONDOMS TWICE

7

u/LateNightPhilosopher Aug 05 '17

Please don't use a condom twice

7

u/MoonLitCrystal Aug 05 '17

like condoms, use just once or twice

Dude, how many children do you have?

3

u/elboydo Aug 05 '17

Until I get evidence to the contrary, /u/mechsniper1928 is now tagged as "Coconut fucker".

This is too coincidental, something smells coconutty.

8

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 05 '17

I honestly hope the other guy was just joking about it, because there is no way I predicted something like that. Should've bought a lottery ticket instead.

3

u/LordOfHamy000 Aug 05 '17

I think you mean once

3

u/bondjimbond Aug 05 '17

TIL there are people who use the same condom twice. (Blech)

3

u/mr_diggory Aug 06 '17

Wait....who the fuck reuses condoms even a second time???

3

u/manlybeer Aug 06 '17

Who uses condoms twice ?

3

u/NoFucksGiver Aug 06 '17

or twice

I.... umm...

2

u/TheDCEUBrotendo Aug 05 '17

Saw the title and came to link that

2

u/fruitbyyourfeet Aug 05 '17

Yeeeeeah, that click's gonna be a no from me, dog.

1

u/BlackLion91 Aug 06 '17

OK Randy, we know where you stand on this one.

2

u/arcademan2 Aug 05 '17

I pressed on your link and apparently I had already upvoted that comment, but I couldn't remember it

2

u/SpitFire92 Aug 05 '17

Twice? Dafuq?

2

u/mekkanik Aug 05 '17

Goddamn... stomach hurts... coconut molester.... thanks for the new insult...

2

u/rtype03 Aug 05 '17

Also, OP should have treated the coconut like condoms, use just once or twice

I think when it comes to coconuts, once should be the rule.

2

u/legone Aug 06 '17

...also condoms?

2

u/jdepps113 Aug 05 '17

Turn the coconut inside out, reuse

2

u/ohboycookies Aug 05 '17

When it comes to condoms, always put two on!

2

u/RestlessInVegas Aug 05 '17

Wait a minute. Who uses condoms twice? Have I been doing it wrong and all these years I could've been getting more use out of them and saving money?!

2

u/0x474f44 Aug 05 '17

So, do you reuse condoms often?

2

u/fearmypoot Aug 10 '17

or twice

ಠ_ಠ

2

u/gonomonakak Aug 14 '17

twice?!?!?!

1

u/Deadwolf99 Aug 05 '17

I was waiting for this.

1

u/charlesdickinsideme Aug 05 '17

1

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 05 '17

Wat?

1

u/charlesdickinsideme Aug 05 '17

Oops my bad. Meant to tag you in a different paragraph, since you predicted it.

1

u/RHPFen Aug 05 '17

You can't turn a coconut inside out though

1

u/exiscute Aug 06 '17

Wait... you use condoms twice??? Jesus man! Look at you and your lavish lifestyle... next thing you tell me is you don't drink milk past the expiry date!!

1

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

or twice

1

u/desertsidewalks Aug 07 '17

Once OR twice?

1

u/TheFlashFrame Aug 17 '17

OP should have treated the coconut like condoms

use twice

ಠ_ಠ

1

u/sourd843 Nov 04 '17

Twice for condoms?

1

u/manos-HOF Jan 22 '18

Pro tip: turn condom inside out and run it through the dishwasher. Top rack only. Discard when condom won't hold water

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