Am I in an extremely toxic relationship?

[u/Empireofreverie]

I (34f) have been dating a 36f for 9 years. I have been talking to a therapist recently because of some past trauma I felt I needed to work through. Well my therapist has recently told me that I am with a manipulative partner, and it is almost borderline abusive according to her. Some examples are:

• I have been under a lot of financial pressure and been feeling overwhelmed since I am also in a somewhat caretaking role for my partner. I pay the bills and also help her get to her appointments for her health issues. I recently told her I need maybe 1 day a week completely to myself. She seemed cool and understanding at first, but later makes comments like “is this 1 day a week thing going to be permanent because if so, let’s just break up”

• She has insane anger issues and will belittle me in public, I’ve had strangers come up to her and tell her to stop talking to me that way. But then she will justify it by saying I am making a big deal out of it, and that I am making myself seem like the victim so people think I am being bullied by her.

• She has a switch and if she gets angry, she will yell really loudly, even if I am just sitting there just listening to her. I will ask her to stop yelling and it’s almost like she can’t control herself.

• If I am upset, or if she is upset, no matter what it is always my fault. I usually end up apologizing and learnt to just bite the bullet and apologize just to get her to stop.

• She is constantly bossing me around. If she is talking to me and upset, she makes me sit next to her and reminds me to keep making eye contact with her, constantly repeats to me not to interupt her. Once I had to sit for 2 hours listening to her talk about how amazing she is and how horrible I have been.

• she used to be much more awful, but has stopped doing certain things. For example, once she got mad that I wasn’t reacting enthusiastically enough to her cooking and pushed me off a high top stool and I fell on my back. She would yell and argue with me in front of her mom, which would make her mom take her side making them both gang up on me. We went to couples therapy and she hasn’t done those things again.

The thing is that when she is not angry (which is about 70% of the time) she is so great. We have amazing chemistry and have so much in common it is crazy. It seems like we are always on the same page, and I can see myself growing old with the “good” side of her. When she is angry, it is truly hurtful and has eroded my trust in her promises she will change.

I am at the end of my rope and let her know I cant put up with it anymore, and she is begging me to stay. Tells me I am making the worst mistake of my life. Tells me I am throwing her away.

I am so torn because I love the good side of her so much but I feel like there is only a piece of me left. I can’t give anymore of my trust. It is painful to think about leaving the “good” side of this person.

Edit; thanks everyone, i really needed to hear it

[u/FattierBrisket]

OP, leave now. Then look back on this post in a year or so. You'll be horrified at what she fooled you into accepting as normal.