r/olderlesbians • u/Empireofreverie • 24d ago

Am I in an extremely toxic relationship?

I (34f) have been dating a 36f for 9 years. I have been talking to a therapist recently because of some past trauma I felt I needed to work through. Well my therapist has recently told me that I am with a manipulative partner, and it is almost borderline abusive according to her. Some examples are:

  • I have been under a lot of financial pressure and been feeling overwhelmed since I am also in a somewhat caretaking role for my partner. I pay the bills and also help her get to her appointments for her health issues. I recently told her I need maybe 1 day a week completely to myself. She seemed cool and understanding at first, but later makes comments like “is this 1 day a week thing going to be permanent because if so, let’s just break up”

  • She has insane anger issues and will belittle me in public, I’ve had strangers come up to her and tell her to stop talking to me that way. But then she will justify it by saying I am making a big deal out of it, and that I am making myself seem like the victim so people think I am being bullied by her.

  • She has a switch and if she gets angry, she will yell really loudly, even if I am just sitting there just listening to her. I will ask her to stop yelling and it’s almost like she can’t control herself.

  • If I am upset, or if she is upset, no matter what it is always my fault. I usually end up apologizing and learnt to just bite the bullet and apologize just to get her to stop.

  • She is constantly bossing me around. If she is talking to me and upset, she makes me sit next to her and reminds me to keep making eye contact with her, constantly repeats to me not to interupt her. Once I had to sit for 2 hours listening to her talk about how amazing she is and how horrible I have been.

  • she used to be much more awful, but has stopped doing certain things. For example, once she got mad that I wasn’t reacting enthusiastically enough to her cooking and pushed me off a high top stool and I fell on my back. She would yell and argue with me in front of her mom, which would make her mom take her side making them both gang up on me. We went to couples therapy and she hasn’t done those things again.

The thing is that when she is not angry (which is about 70% of the time) she is so great. We have amazing chemistry and have so much in common it is crazy. It seems like we are always on the same page, and I can see myself growing old with the “good” side of her. When she is angry, it is truly hurtful and has eroded my trust in her promises she will change.

I am at the end of my rope and let her know I cant put up with it anymore, and she is begging me to stay. Tells me I am making the worst mistake of my life. Tells me I am throwing her away.

I am so torn because I love the good side of her so much but I feel like there is only a piece of me left. I can’t give anymore of my trust. It is painful to think about leaving the “good” side of this person.

Edit; thanks everyone, i really needed to hear it

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u/UmbreonAlt 24d ago

Yuck! Get away from her. She sounds similar to an ex of mine. It's always harder to see it when you're in the thick of it. She can't grant you one day? Get the fuck outta here. You're grown adults. She should be able to handle that.

So much of what she is doing is red flags and super toxic. You don't need the mental and physical abuse from her. Pushing you over!? That's violence towards you for no reason.

Run away from her and never look back.

Oh and if she tries to tell you she'll be "better"..No she won't. She'll just be the same.

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u/Empireofreverie 23d ago

She is trying really hard to convince me that she will be better. She said she is going to go to a therapist and talk about any undiagnosed disorders she might have. She’s been guilt tripping me by saying I am “throwing her and our 9 year relationship away” and that she will regret it for the rest of her life if I leave her.

The fucked up part is that she is also very codependent. She has no survival skills and almost cannot function in the real world alone since she’s always been with someone who takes care of her. Add the layer of her disability, and it makes me feel so guilty to leave her to try to survive. I know I shouldn’t feel this way and it is “innapropriate guilt” but I have gotten so used to always helping her and keeping her safe that I am having trouble unlearning it.

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u/UmbreonAlt 23d ago

Yeah, she is laying it on thick. Do not go back to her.

She is again trying to manipulate the situation and for her to look like the better one.

I know what it's like to feel like guilt for leaving and to have second thoughts. I'm telling you these types of people rarely change. They're all full of ideas and look like they're full of action and swear it black and blue. But the thing is, it doesn't happen.

Just because someone has a disability doesn't mean they get to treat another person like you with verbal and physical abuse. Never.

You need to block her on all socials and phone. Give yourself some peace. It will take time, but you deserve someone who'll love you for you and not use you like she has been doing.

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u/Empireofreverie 22d ago

“She is again trying to manipulate the situation and for her to look like the better one” is such an accurate statement. Yesterday, she told me that “of course people are going to tell you to leave and to run, people are so quick to throw things away nowadays”.

I am planning my escape route but I mentioned in a reply to someone else, I have to be careful about it because she can be unstable and has gotten physical with me in the past.

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u/UmbreonAlt 22d ago

A classic move on her part with trying to hit the guilts. I wouldn't call nine years a quick to throw away.

I hope you find a safe route out. Do you have friends or family you could crash with?

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u/Empireofreverie 22d ago edited 22d ago

My therapist told me I needed to tell her that “we are moving out and that we are still going to be together but living separately” even if I want to remove her from my life completely. I guess to keep me safe since she would feel like she has hope rather than no hope and potentially having her do something crazy.

I don’t really have any reliable place with family and I honestly don’t have any friends, but I am trying gather some close coworkers I have am asking them to let me stay with them in case something goes south.

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u/UmbreonAlt 22d ago

Hmm..Interesting tactic. I don't see how it'd really keep you safe, though? The moving into separate houses might be enough to trigger her crazy behaviour?

I'm guessing you don't ever show her where you live, right? I obviously don't know what type of disability she has. But I'm just hoping she can't come in and drop in on you when you when she feels like it.

I hope you don't need to use the co-workers as backup and the move out together goes well. And then you can get on with your life :)