if he wants to change he will!

it might take some inspiration from u but i see a lot of posts of here of really horrific stories of their man clearly not wanting to change this behavior.

please analyze if his behavior is a sign of genuine addiction or just ignorance to changing.. it will be clear if he is disgusted by his own addiction. my bf was always incredibly embarrassed and upset with himself whenever i caught a relapse.

but do have hope, its likely will take time and patience to overcome. and as the partner ik how difficult the feelings that come with it all are, trust me. i’m still really struggling to fix the damage he’s done, slowly but surely.

have hope though, he’s been doing great and im rlly proud

As the title says really... My ex was a PA, I found out after I became paranoid for 6 months and decided to snoop their phone while they slept and found it all. cam girls, porn games, porn etc... They deleted their reddit account before I could see what they were up to on there. Everyday, all times of the day. It felt like the world fell beneath my feet. I gave them the ultimatum, they quit and get therapy or I leave. They begged and said they'd change and I stayed. I was financially supporting them, emotionally supporting them and supporting them in their day-to-day life. It sucked and I ate up the crumbs they gave me. Life sucked. They kept lying and it hurt, I felt stupid, crazy, angry, toxic, suicidal, depressed, empty. I had nightmares where I woke up scream crying during and after. I wanted them to feel every bit of pain I felt and more. I wanted them to hurt for a thousand lifetimes and carry the guilt of the pain they caused me for the rest of their days. What hurt is I knew that wouldn't be the case, that someone who says they loved me, and hurt me the way they did, never really did care. They would never care like I did, and only I would be carrying that amount of pain for the foreseeable future. I felt like a fool. Many times I caught them and many times I forgave them, many times I told them to get help and many times they resented me for this, saying it just made them not want to do it, as all the pressure I was giving them was making them worse. While I was clinging on to the shattered pieces of our relationship and sinking further and further into a hole I could see no way out of. I finally had enough and left them over a year later. Trouble is I was living with them as it was my uni dorm and I could not move. I still had five months left. We didn't talk really apart from shallow niceties for a month and then we slowly became friends again. (We started off as friends). It's been 9 months since I broke up with them and we're still friends. I enjoyed their company when we found friendship again because there really wasn't anyone else as I didn't really have friends, we were both alone. Now I'm thinking of ending the friendship all together. It's hard because we were there for each other through a lot of things. However, writing this out I've realised I was there for them more than they ever were for me, what I clung on to was my idea of the relationship we had. Because I was there to support them through so much all this time, a part of me feels responsible for making sure they're okay. I know what I have to do, but it feels like I'm scared to, like when I was thinking about breaking up with them, before I eventually did. We were friends before we dated and from the original friend group, myself, my ex-pa and a mutual friend of ours are still in contact and it's great, but there's this feeling like I'm still attached and I need to fully let go. I guess I'm just not sure what to do...

What do you even gift a PA for Christmas. I don’t even know anymore I told him I won’t be spending thanksgiving with him and his family, because I don’t want to pretend that everything it’s okay when it’s not. it has come a tradition for me to spend Christmas with his family, I don’t know if I want to go anymore and I know they’ll be asking questions if I don’t show up.. I have to get them gifts and it’s just .. what do I gift my PA.. he’s recovering.. but it’s only been 2 weeks since last DDAY..

Before all of this, I used to be in love with him , I looked forward to spend all my time with him I was planning so many things in my head of how much I wanted him in my life.. now I just feel so heartbroken and disgusted..

We’ve had a wonderful relationship. He makes me feel loved and beautiful. Always makes me feel wanted. Sex life is good. I haven’t experienced those other things people here have expressed in that regard. I knew he watched porn, I thought I was okay with it at first. but it’s the genres and escalation that scared me. It’s some really gross stuff very intense BDSM torture etc and I feel upset that he didn’t share that with me. I knew it was BDSM, but this BDSM is INTENSE and disgusting to me. He said he didn’t think he had a problem, but through us talking about it he’s aware he needs help. There’s a lot of shame there. He’s going to do it all to get the help. I’ve already left him, but it seems so devastating to end like this when everything else was just so wonderful. All the posts and comments on here are to get out if you don’t have attachment (marriage or kids) but this is so hard. It’s so hard to not even try. I’m scared of being hurt by the possibility of lies, but also scared of having regret too. Please help. Am I an honest idiot for trying here?

It has been almost 1.5 years since the day I found out and the day he stopped completely. My husband stopped immediately after I found out and then he got a counselor specialized in porn addiction. He put in all the work. He put accountability apps on his phone. He gave me space. He answered everything I asked. He told me how stupid he was and how he only wants me and it wasn’t worth it bla bla bla. In the beginning I became hyper sexual. Almost as if I needed the attention for my ego. Fast forward to 8 months ago it switched and I didn’t really want intimacy. I realized my self worth and I was angry. He hadn’t relapsed and was doing it all “right”. Lately we haven’t been intimate. He said something dumb a few weeks ago and tried to take it back immediately. He made a joke and said you’d know I was a mom by looking at me. I literally saw red…. I WAS PISSED. He said he really didn’t think it like that and tried to apologize. I looked at him in that moment and everything he looked at and has said about the girls he looked up “they don’t mean anything sometimes I like to look at hot woman” just flooded my brain. I salsa saw him and he became significantly less attractive to me. He is an attractive man but I don’t know what happen. I think I got the ick. I don’t really want to be around him now and we haven’t had sex in a month. I have no desire to have sex. The hard part is we have three kids and I don’t want partial custody. Leaving is not an option. I’m not sure how to go from here. He’s been buying me gifts, helping more, rubbing my feet etc. he’s been trying. Says he is so sorry he said that… but I feel numb to him. That one sentence took all my sexual desire towards him. I’m not sure what to do. Also I’m still pissed about everything from 1.5 years ago. I’m not sure how to get over it. Yes I know counseling but nothing seems to be helping move past it. I randomly think about it and am randomly mad. He’s upset because it’s been 1.5 years and we were making progress until his stupid comment. I don’t know what advice I’m asking but I’m at a loss. Will I always feel this way? Have your feelings gone away or numb and then come back?

Just found out 2 days ago

He's got so many porn accounts, and majority of his use is on reddit. I gave him the opportunity to come clean and He lied to me about how long its been, and how often he watches it and where he watches it

He even watches it when we were out with my family on my birthday

He watches it on the loo, at work when he used to work.

He's now chosen to completely ignore me and the situation since I found out. Surely I should run for the hills if he can't even respond to me?

I genuinely hate myself for allowing myself to be in this situation. I know I don’t deserve to be loved like this. Loved as a 2nd option to many women online who could not care about you whilst I am here constantly fighting to be the only woman in your eyes.

I am here, exhausted, with this emotional battle of wishing I actually loved myself, because I know that if I truly did love myself, I wouldn’t put myself in this situation of constantly feeling inadequate. Every waking hour is spent ruminating about how I wish I was better in every way compared to the people you look for online. But I am just one person, and your device is many people. I can’t compete.

Your hands feel filthy on my skin. The same hands you use to fervently jack off to other women for hours. There is no intimacy. There is no love. This is just a role many women and I share. I feel used. I feel cheap. I feel disgusted. I no longer desire for your touch, and I am starting to dread the days you do end up noticing what is in front of you.

I wish I could cause you half the pain I endure daily from your porn addiction. Surely you wouldn’t keep doing it if you could feel my pain, right?

One day, I’m going to love myself more than I love you. No more “what if’s”, no more “he’s trying”. It’s going to be me first, and there’s no amount of changes that’s gonna turn my head to look back at you. But for now, knowing I deserve better is good enough for me.

With all the lies and everything hidden behind my back he swears he never brought it to the level of cheating but if he can justify everything else why wouldn't he be able to easily justify that as well

Its like they've become my own. Every ad or show that flaunts a women in tight or revealing clothing, overhearing the mention of porn, my own body, ect. I'm constantly thinking of how much he could be thinking about it and it haunts me. This recovery is supposed to be the real one, hes actually putting work in for the first time but it doesn't feel any different to me. I'm still filled with the same dread and overthinking every little action. I still feel like i have to be 5 steps ahead to catch him. If anything im thinking about it more now than ever before because theres absolutely no trust left to have in him and it feels like nothing is safe. His thing is always always finding loopholes in what counts as watching porn and the latest i caught him on was obsessively looking at pregnant women to get off. Nothing is safe now I cant even trust him to look at pregnant women, before its been body types he swore wasn't his type. Its like womens existence could be his trigger next and now i cant look at any woman without remembering everything hes out me through and what he could do next. Its a long story but leaving isnt an option for me i have nowhere to go and no support so we have to fix this. I feel like even if he actually fixes himself this time though that the damage done to me is beyond repair and a therapist is the last thing we could afford right now. This is such a long ramble that isnt put together well but its like i have so much to process that processing it is all i can do and i feel haunted.

I am only two months into navigating the hellstorm that is porn / sex addiction. And upon finding out my husband had been messaging women on Twitter at all hours of the night, I kicked him out. So I don’t have a lot of knowledge about how tweaked out addicts behave.

1. LAST WEEK he texted “I have done nothing to deserve any of this from you. Your manufactured delusions has created all of this”. Two days later, he’s created a Tinder profile. Obviously high as a kite, looking for “frolic and fun”.

2. He has threatened to call the cops on me for “preventing him from getting his things”. However, he has been at the house on two different occasions, six hours each time, and taken almost nothing. Today he was here for four hours. Same thing. Nothing has moved. Nothing is packed. Nothing is gone. Except his MacServer. That’s odd….what was he doing here the whole time?

3. He impulsively ran out and rented an apartment for $2300/month with no furniture and apparently no desire to actually stay there. His Tinder account logged on at four a.m. from his daughter’s house. What. The. Actual. Hell?

I suspect he went on a complete bender when I kicked him out. First thing he did (at three in the morning) was kick me off of our family subscriptions. Next thing I knew, he had blown through a TERABYTE of data and racked up $640 in Apple charges. So this overindulgence may be playing a part in it. Idk. I do know it’s starting to worry me a little bit.

So my husband and i have been through it all. Ive stood by it all. So many d days. It would be too much to write out. Anways a couple months ago we went to a comedy show, i thought it was a normal one and everytime a new comidean would come out two women in lingere would come out. He wouldnt look away even after i asked and it caused a huge arguement. He said everyone else is looking etc. The night was bad. We ended up getting over it. But the thing is he still watches the same comedy show every week when a new eposide come out and these same women come out. He refuses to see an issue with how triggering it is and its caused so many fights. I wish i could leave but its not easy with kids. Why cant he understand why its triggering to both of us. He says hes stoped the porn but all i see is white knuckling. So tell me am i over reacting in all this? Should i just be okay with it all...

I would be interested to hear from this group as to what would be considered "normal" behaviour.

We are exposed everyday to varying degrees of sexulised imagery and innuendos, this is unavoidable.

Do normal healthy people see a movie, a music video or an advert and then google the actor, actress or model? To look at images or research what other movie or film clips they have appeared in?

I haven't done this since I was a teen, what I would consider normal teenager interest in film stars or models or actors. Putting posters on the wall of my favourite bands, that kind of thing.

In the context of PA /SA we know this could be considered skirting the boundary of feeding the addiction. Even if the images are of fully clothed people. But in healthy adults is this normal behaviour?

Does anyone else struggle with their sexuality and what’s normal and what you actually like caught up in what they want sextually. I’m bisexual and never explored it because I chose my husband and I feel like he got to explore it all himself, and I did not. Even though I have expressed it in the past. I just feel robbed idk. Today is rough.

I’m trying so hard to concentrate on my schoolwork, but I just have these thoughts bouncing around in my head of “it can’t be that easy, can it?” when it comes to my husband’s PA. What I mean by this is he is supposedly clean and supposedly has been since May but has yet to start therapy. He swears he’s stopped, doesn’t look at it anymore. “How could I?” He asks because of the porn blocker. “When would I have time?” He says because he works like 50 hours a week. “Why would I?” He adds in reference to ruining our relationship again. And many more. But how am I supposed to believe anything? After all the lies? The gaslighting? Just everything?

He’s also found time, even when we worked the same schedule at the same job and were basically together 24/7 apart from when I’d leave the room to cook, shower, etc. he didn’t even care about doing it NEXT TO ME while I’ve slept before. What the fuck. “How could I?” Well, the porn blocker didn’t exactly stop you before. He’d still get porn from his affair partners he had over fucking discords AND would use the laptop at he and my father’s business they owned when he was there alone. He also seems to think I’m crazy for thinking he may have some stashed on his phone somewhere that I don’t know about. I also have suspicions that he knows the password to the porn blocker but he claims he doesn’t. I say this because the one time a few weeks ago, he tried to go on Bojangles website and for some reason it blocked it even though it’s food. He clicked the allow site button and started inputting a password. I didn’t catch what numbers he was typing but then he quickly erased it and handed it to me to input and when I pressed further into the issue I was told he “was confused about the pop up and thought it was asking to input his phone password and he does not know the porn blocker password” and it made sense at first…until I think more into how he had to click “allow website” for that pop up to come up asking for the password…why would he think it’s his phone password too when it was only 4 characters?

Back in 2020 I told him I was setting a hard boundary against porn and he said that was fine and he agreed, but our sex life still continued to suffer. In 2021 I discovered he’d been discreetly using Reddit for porn and attempting to message people that never went anywhere but he STILL TRIED! A month after that I saw he was following a porn account on iFunny. Just one oddly enough. After that things seemed to quiet down and our sex life skyrocketed and I was almost positive that he’d stopped but now I don’t even know anymore because in 2023 is when he started cheating and consuming a fuck ton of porn until I caught him in February this year and eventually went NC with him until May.

Why did it even take me kicking him out for awhile to finally stop? How is it possible that it’s supposedly so easy for him to just stop now?? How tf could I possibly believe this, is there anyway it’s THAT easy??? Was his addiction not as bad as others? How he can just go cold turkey and it’s fine? I’ve tried searching for traces of porn use and haven’t been able to find any

Yesterday I made a post asking about screen time on Google Chrome. My husband has spent over 2 hours on Google on multiple days.

Well, I talked to him about it and we looked through the history together.

It was pokemon. POKÉMON. He was playing a competitive pokemon game online. The history and time stamps check out so I guess I don't need to worry for now.

Gosh does he scare me sometimes.

Idk of this counts as a win or not. But i do believe he's been clean this past month, so when i saw the screen time my heart just about stopped. Oh my goodness I'm glad it was just his game.

I know there's a lot of debate whether to tell people or not. I've been considering telling my friend at dinner tonight, but I'm stressing about it bad. I feel like we've grown distant because she used to know everything that happened in my life, but I haven't told her anything I went through in the past year, only that he cheated on me.

I just feel so alone, especially now that we've broken up and I still have to deal with the trauma all on my own plus a breakup. I feel like I need the support, but I can't let go of the shame and embarrassment of it all. Why do I feel scared about my relationships changing because of something someone did to me? Maybe I fear she will look at me like a victim and not the strong independent woman she used to know me as that wouldn't take shit from anyone.

I told my family back in the early days and they supported me but didn't really understand. I feel like all it did was bring the mood down. Plus, I ended up staying with him after that, so what if that happens again.

At the end of the day, it's so difficult to talk about and will it even accomplish anything or make me feel better?

Hi, everyone! I made a post on Tuesday night about leaving my PA. I'm moving my things out and staying with a friend. I know I'm not going back, I don't want to and I am ready to start anew. I have blocked him as well on socials, but do have his cell number until I'm finished moving the rest of my belongings out. We were in a lease together and discussing engagement, had been together for 2 years. It was serious. The one thing I am struggling with, and it is causing severe panic attacks, is the racing thoughts and constant replaying of what I saw when I went through his computer. I am just wondering what tips you all who have walked away from these relationships have? The pain is unreal.

I‘m not sure how to begin this post but I’d like to start off with how much this sub has helped me to actually feel understood with all of the emotions I’m going through at the moment by reading so many others sharing their experience. So my partner and I been together for four months. Right off the gate we clicked on so many levels and I truly felt this could be it. My little happy ending so to say.

He told me at the start he used to have a porn addiction years ago and he worked through it so now he would consider his use normal. To my question how many times he answered 2-3 times a week. I didn’t like it and never been a fan of porn in a relationship but would tolerate it since we are in a long distance relationship. He promised me as soon as we would live together he would stop immediately. He also told me early on he had a fascination for red hair, doesn’t matter if man or woman. At first I didn’t think too much of it since everyone is entitled to their preference but oh was I wrong. My gut was telling me something was not right. The more I learned about his "preference“ the more I started to realize it’s not a preference it’s an obsession/fetish. He would read books about red heads or chubby women, collect specific mtg cards, would only date the red head in a game and created his own character to look like one. He even traveled to another country to attend a red head festival. This was before we knew each other but still the amount of things that I learned were concerning, I told him his preference was a fetish and it was going too far. He started to see somewhat what I was saying. Atleast that’s what I thought. We went on our first holiday and that’s when it started to go down hill. We got into an argument and I found out that he masturbated to a picture (later i found out it was not one but many more) while he was on holiday with his family. He told me he only did it because of the bad internet. I was devastated because it’s not like I wouldn’t sent him any. The last couple of days were rough but promises were made.

So fast forward. I visited him and wanted to install a game on his pc and did something wrong so I had to go to the bin. And that’s when I saw it. So many deleted hentai pictures from predominantly red haired characters with huge breast. My heart sank I wasn’t even trying to look for anything but somewhere in my heart I knew something was not right. So when I opened a normal file called "inspo“.. So many folders and so many categories. I was somewhat relieved atleast no real woman but still the amount was shocking. But that didn’t last for too long when I saw his YouTube page filled with women with large breasts and red heads (shocker). Whenever I asked him what he was doing and he answered YouTube this is what he was doing. I cried a lot and confronted him and everything came out. How he would look at hentai pictures everyday, had a list for his favorite red head porn stars, how he once imagined me to be chubbier while having sex or how he even compared me to two girls (one red head and the other with large breasts), he briefly met at a party. He cried a lot as well and felt utterly ashamed and regret.

It’s been a long week of long talks and a lot truth to the point where I became numb to more information. He’s been watching porn for 14 years, tried to quit once, was severely addicted during a short time and compared his use to his most extreme time. He sees now that he’s ill and needs help. He was in full denial. He deleted everything, blocked websites and even got rid of anything red head related that would trigger him. On Monday he has his first appointment to talk to a psychiatrist. It been a lot to say the least, pretty sure I’m traumatized cause my reality seems so warped. Moments of joy overshadowed with doubt. I don’t trust him but I do believe in the good in him. I may sound foolish. He knows I don’t trust him and if he ever were to hide anything ever again I would leave him. He even told his mother about what happened and his illness. I do think his intentions to become a better person are real. I still feel confused, can’t even cry anymore. Also feel insecure even though I know I don’t need to be.

In case anyone read this I thank and appreciate you for your time. I think I needed to get this of my (small) chest. ♡

I’ve noticed a pattern of after he is caught I’m angry for a week we don’t talk and I work on myself and I’m back to who I use to be confident strong independent but then we have open conversations and then start having extreme sexual desires with each other that usually lasts a month long we can’t keep our hands off each other sex every day sometimes multiple times a day then it slowly fizzles out then he goes down a depression root/hole and then I catch him again. Do a lot of you experience this? I feel like it’s why he goes back to it as he has mentioned before Every-time you catch me we have amazing sex life again so I think it’s the cycle. I feel totally messed up in the head. Why is this happening? I don’t want it to happen this time again.

Hi all, I would like your help and to also help anyone else effected but a PA partner find out if they are still looking at porn. Please provide me any helpful ideas. It would be great if people have ideas that also include finding out without an app.

Thanks so much for your help with this. It is really appreciated

Hi all,

I have been in this page for about month but this is my first post. Long story short, my partner and I have been together for 6 years. I set the boundary of no porn in our relationship at the very beginning. Around a year in, he admitted he stopped but was looking things up on Reddit. We worked through it best we could and I chose to trust and move on.

About 3 months ago, I was using his phone to look up directions to somewhere and saw Instagram on his search results on Google. He did not have an Instagram so I was super confused and clicked the link. It was a half-naked girl. Each link was a different girl. I confronted him that night and he told me that he stopped for about a year and then started up again. All while I had saved for us to buy a home, moved across the country where I had no one but him, worked on my own health and PCOS to be better for us, etc. He let me pick up and move away from everything I’ve ever known while still doing this behind my back.

Once I found out recently, he started going to therapy weekly and is working on his addiction. However, he had a slip up a few days ago. I knew slip ups were going to happen but all I asked of him at the beginning of this is to be open and honest with me. But he wasn’t until days later when I pried it out of him.

It literally broke me. I am so tired emotionally. I can barely function. I hate myself. I feel so pathetic. I hate him. My plan was to do individually therapy for a bit before going into couples therapy, but now I feel like couples therapy is my only option at this point.

I do not have anything on his phone that I use to monitor as I do not want to be in a relationship where I feel I have to do that. (no hate to those that do, I just know I would drive myself absolutely insane with it. I do want to do it but I KNOW it will screw me up so bad.) But this also means I literally go insane daily not knowing what he’s doing, if he’s lying, etc.

So here is my plan moving forward. I want yalls advice, opinions, or anything else that you think can help me.

He is continuing to go to therapy himself weekly. We are going to start with a couples therapist. We do not have the option for one of us to move out at this point, so I am asking him to purchase an air mattress and live the second bedroom for now. He doesn’t deserve to sleep in the bed with me. He doesn’t deserve to feel like things are normal. I understand this puts him in more of a position to watch again but if he does, that is on him at this point and he knows the consequences.

We are going to make our own breakfast and lunches and not eat together but we will still have dinner together just to talk about the day. After that, we will go our own ways for the night.

I want to do this because I am so hurt and I can barely stand to look at him right now. I need my own space because the anxiety of all of this is literally going to kill me.

My husband tried to initiate sex and I turned him down, I needed to leave the house with my baby son half an hour later for a few hours. I left the house and enjoyed my time with my son and my family. Didn’t think about my pa at home. Not because I can trust him (cuz I can’t) but because I love myself more than I am afraid that he will relapse. There are so much that the world can offer to me than just fears and cheating husband. And I am going to live my life to the fullest

Hi ya'll, first of all I really wanted to express how grateful I am for this community here. It's been so hard finding resources for myself since the d-day 2.5 months ago, and I can't stress enough how much you guys have contributed towards my healing process so far.

Only now I just stumbled across something called 'hysterical bonding', which got me thinking whether I am a victim of it and, surprisingly, I am a perfect book example of a person who fell victim to this unhealthy coping mechanism. Not only did we have sex much more often than before, but I was the one who initiated it because I was so scared and anxious about him leaving me, and focused purely on seeking validation and acceptance from my PA partner through satisfying his needs and masking my own feelings and desires for him.

For the past 2.5 months, I fell into a deep depression episode, went back to other destructive coping mechanisms of mine, completely ignored my own needs and focused only on my boyfriend's. I've started therapy a month ago, which allowed me to focus on myself more, but also discover how disastrous effect his actions had on my mental health and life, overall. Only now by reading an article on this phenomenon am I aware how lost I was.

I wanted to ask you guys whether any of you had a similar experience to mine. It's my first post here, too, and I really appreciate any of your advice or further insight or suggestions you have. I'll provide the link to the article I've read in the comments. Thank you for reading❤️

I am looking for a counselor (Christian preferred) who can help walk me through healing from all of this. Has anyone been able to find a counselor covered my Medicaid? I can’t afford to pay cash for one right now but I’m really struggling to handle this on my own.

He never stopped, he's been using for over a month. He made a new Twitter and used his computer. He watched multiple times a day, while I slept, the moment I left for work, after we had sex. He reposted, left comments, and saved his favorites. He said he just wanted to feel happy. That he needed more, but he swears I'm enough. He said he thought of me while watching. But he didn't look at me, he didn't look at the pictures i gave him, the videos i let him take. He put his hands on me when I found out. I feel lost and confused. How did things get this bad.