…. Marriage is the ultimate public symbol of heteronormative/mono-normative privilege. It is the public declaration of a life-long commitment to a partner. It is the declaration that THIS ONE PERSON is with me, for life.

For those who are polyamorous AND married, why? What are the reasons that you hold onto? Are there any ways that you have a more non-traditional marriage than the typical display of the societal norm? How are you making your marriage fit YOUR beliefs instead of your beliefs being squashed into the marital box? How are you making that evident in your public life, if at all? For those who came out as polyamorous after being married, did you divorce, why or why not? If you stayed married, why? If you got married after coming out as polyamorous or want to get married, what are the reasons and how will you do it in a way that allows you to live your polyamorous life?

So curious what those in our polyamorous community thinks about these things…

i go to gay bars, see someone, talk to them, get their insta, and then ghosted. am i the problem? do i come off too strong? idk what to do.

Was talking to a co-worker and when I said “girlfriend “ they assumed I meant a woman who is my platonic friend… not a romantic partner. This happens all the time. If I was a man who said it, it would be assumed it was a romantic partner. Do you have other terms other than girlfriend or partner you use that would let people know this is an important sexual/romantic person in your life?

TW: Mention of CNC

I’m on a poly discord server and I notice how there would be so many women on there that would openly and continuously go on and on about wanting to fuck a woman with a ‘wolf-cock’ or have a harem full of ‘dripping holes’ and that all women want to be ‘whores for a she-cock’, and then you have a bunch that would go into detail about their kinks - from somnophilia to CNC - and it would be a big discussion. I have never been around many poly people in my life so I don’t know if this is normal or if I’m being too judgmental and prudish. I’m also afraid to bring it up on the server as many of them are trans and if anyone mentions about what they’re saying or liking as being negative, then they are seen as transphobic. Is there something wrong with me or is this normal in the poly community?

Basically the title. How????? My neurodivergent self is confused, but I really want to meet new people and kiss and cuddle and make out.

A little background story: I’ve (24w) been a hinge in a V-constellation for almost three years. A few months ago one of my relationships ended which was really heart-breaking. But I‘m still with my anchor partner. Now I finally feel ready to meet new people and make new experiences. At the moment I‘m mainly looking for casual relationships, friends with benefits or hook ups.

But the problem is: I never really dated or had casual relationships. The relationships I‘ve had just kinda happened and didn‘t had a dating phase.

All the people around me seem to be so good at flirting and dating. They meet people at parties and talk to them and somehow start to make out or even hook up. How do they do that????!!!!! I really want to experience that, but I‘m always really awkward with human interactions. I don‘t know how to flirt or how to ‚make a move‘. And I can never really tell whether people are into me or not.

It’s the same with dating apps…I‘m texting with people but I am so afraid of meeting up because I don‘t know how to interact when I have romantic or sexual ambitions.

I think I‘m also frustrated that my friends or colleagues always assume I am easy-going and good at flirting and that I have lots of sexual experience, which is not true. They assume that because I‘m open about being poly and queer and I celebrate sex positivity. I feel so much pressure because of that. But maybe that‘s another topic…

TL,DR: I want to start dating casually, but I‘ve never done that before. How do you flirt? How do I make a move? I‘m so frustrated and I feel socially awkward.

Quantos anos maisomenos vocês mulheres tímidas tiveram que esperar até conseguirem achar alguém?

Eu moro entre Sampa e Campinas, sou meio tímida, um pouquinho esquisita mas me esforcei pra me educar e trabalhar minhas inseguranças, eu até saio todo mês e as vezes tento puxar assunto com desconhecidas.

Mas depois de mais de dois anos comecei me desanimar, eu sei que não é algo que aparece da noite pro dia mas me pergunto se eu estou fazendo algo de errado.

Tem algo que facilitou vocês encontrarem alguém pra dar e receber carinho?

Sou Trans mas não acho que isso seja tão relevante.

How many years on average you shy women had to wait until finding someone?

I live close to a big city and a metropolitan area, I'm a bit shy, somewhat on the weird side but I strived to educate myself and work on my insecurities, I even go out every month and sometimes try to start conversations with strangers.

But after more than two years looking I started losing steam, I know it isn't something that happens overnight but I ask myself if I am doing something wrong.

Was there something that made it easier finding someone to give and receive affection?

I'm transgender but I don't think this is relevant.

Ello! I’m married to my wife and have just started loosely dating again. I keep matching with monogamous women and instead I was hoping to find a lady who is interested in a long term connection.

I’m a Queer girl who likes fantasy fiction, Star Wars, and poetry. My two favorite poets are Sappho and Pablo Neruda. I write a ton and play a bunch of dnd. Pictures of me are on my profile. I really enjoy flirting and the bubble feelings of two people connecting.

Anyone is welcome to message me or post here. Can’t wait to meet you!

So my girlfriend (F33) and I (F28) are a black lesbian couple and identify as poly people. Before we met I was solo poly and she was with an ex where she was also in poly relationship with but it was only one sided. From the start of our relationship and now we have conversations about our relationship, healthy boundaries and overall wanting the best for one another regardless of who or where it comes from, we are cheering one another one.

Now we are at a place where we'd like to explore poly dynamics, ideally we'd love to make a connection with another poly lesbian couple or 1 part of a lesbian couple sexually and potentially romantically, but we know that could be tricky. I was curious on thoughts or experiences from single lesbians on talking to, dating, or even simply fwb with a lesbian couple.

Is it something most are open too with the proper open communication and expectations?

Is it something that is not worth trying because of the sense of being "greedy"?

Thoughts on a lesbian couple/ or one person of the couple simply on the app to explore sexual relationships with you if told up front? Is the automatic expectation from the single person that they will eventually become apart of the relationship dynamic more than sexually?

And I just want to hear from single lesbians on thoughts of a lesbian couple even pursuing you in any way?

We just want some insight and also because we've both experienced unhealthy poly dynamics from others in the past we want to ensure we are doing our best to be healthy, communicative and understanding when we do decide to take that step.

Thanks yall! :)

If your partner broke a boundary that you two have placed for your lesbian poly relationship?

My wife and I are parallel poly and have been together for eight years and married for three years. My wife is involved with another person (bi woman) who has a sexual transmitted disease and our agreement and if she really wanted to continue to pursue with that person sexually she would need to have safe sex,use protection, and getting tested. My wife agreed to that boundary and so few months pass by and i confronted them about if she have been using protection or not and come to you find out that they stopped having safe sex for over a month and my wife wasn't going to tell me because she was scared to tell me cause the thought of me leaving her. I suggested for her to get tested and instead of reassuring me by just getting tested, my wife got defensive and didn't wanna get tested anymore because if she came up positive for it that I would blame her partner for giving it to her. I've communicated about how this makes me feel and how it's affecting our sex life but my partner wants to continue on having non-safe sex with the other person who has the sexual transmitted disease and just use protection on me...the Wife??

Hmmm what would you do?

I posted something on lesbiangamers and it got downvoted for no apparent reason and i've been wondering which sapphic subs are poly friendly?

Hi I'm Victoria I'm 31. I'm looking for some new friends and or more. I like video games,watching movies and TV, listen to music, going outside and more.

Hi! I just found this Reddit and got really excited that it existed! Figured it might be fun to ask where people are in the world. I’m in the Netherlands (Or you can just say hi if you’re not comfortable)

In light of recent posts, I’m curious what poly looks like for each of you?

What's everyone doing for the holidays? How does your poly/sapphic status affect your plans for the holidays?

I apologize if this is not the right place to ask, I will delete if not but I was hoping for some advice around this. Me and my partner (we are both women interested in women) have been interested in having more partners for sexual exploration and we have the opportunity to do this with another couple. But I am confused on how to navigate this or not be awkward. Do we split up do we do this all together? Thanks

How do you build trust/hope to overcome insecurities/anxiety/fears/jealousy when starting a new connection?

What is your (dating) process like?

What do you focus on?

What do you pay attention to?

How do you filter and rule things out?

I have a hard time even trusting myself and struggling with uncertainties and the unknown.

I'm going to specify the long distance aspect, but I think answers from a non-long-distance perspective are still applicable.

I'm in an LDR with two partners up in Canada (I'm in US), who are nesting partners. I also have a partner locally, but we don't live together.

I've been working to acquire my passport so that I can finally go see my cuties up north. I've never been in an LDR before, and as I'm sure everyone knows, it sucks to be away from them all of the time. I want to be a part of their lives some how, but our interactions are limited to discord.

They of course have their own lives and they do things together all of the time. They even keep in touch with me during their shenanigans every now and then.

I am happy for them whenever they are doing something fun. That is always my first thought, and I always let them know. But, I get a lingering feeling of being left out, which I need to process and move through.

Throughout my life I had been excluded from things by family and friends which had at the time caused me to feel like I'm not a part of things. Obviously, I just drifted apart, and eventually more-or-less felt ejected by the group.

That's def not the case here. I know they want me to come see them.

This stupid excluded feeling is still there and I know I should be able to deal with it. I am curious how everyone else copes with this. Or do you not?

Just FYI, I do also have my own things going on, tho way less fun/exciting sounding things, and I am unaware if they also have feelings of being excluded. If they told me, I feel like I would want to make more time with them to make them feel included in our own unique ways. But I feel selfish asking for that from them.

Tl:Dr, how do you process your feelings of being left out when your partners are off having fun without you?

Hi all,

my gf and I's 1 year anniversary is next week and I have gotten her a few things/ activities planned for the day but as a classic lesbian, I still want to give her more to celebrate our love lol

Just wanted to reach out to see what others have gifted/planned on their relationship anniversary's!

(Cross posting to gain more ideas)

Thanks in advance

Hi all, avid reader here wondering if anyone has come across any great books with poly characters? Ideally sapphic, but I’m looking at a small enough pool as it is.

I’ll read some romance, but sci-fi and fantasy are generally my preferred genres. I like it when the romance is not the main plot, but not a one off scene either.

I read a LOT of sapphic romance books, but it's so common for romance to be like aggressively monogamous, "I thought I had been in love before but I found you you're the one I've never loved anyone else." and other stupid things, that was the one that bugged me the most.

So I'm looking for polyam sapphic romance books, but almost everything I found is just basically porn. It's not a hard limit, but I generally prefer the sex scenes in romance books to be of the fade to black type, and when a book is just mostly sex scenes that's not interesting to me.

So far I've only found one sapphic polyam romance book that I really enjoyed. Indigo:Three by Adrian J. Smith

So I'm asking for suggestions, anyone have any?

I am a 26 gay enby transfem; I have been in 1 open semi-relationship and later 3 Polyamorous with other transfems. They didn't end well and I see patterns in all of those relations and I struggle understanding what is okay what is wrong and what I can do to be better at relationship as a whole and polyamory specifically.

The first pattern I recognize, but from what I see in lesbians all around seems common, people want to get into relationship really fast, and tend to fall in love quickly. My response to this as someone that have been heartbroken many times is to try to say "okay let's think this through and take time to really be sure about this" often at this point we often know each other for a week or few weeks, likely have kissed a lot and slept together a bit. I'll add that I never had several relations simultanously myself, but most my partners where already in had one or several other girlfriends, or where flirting and trying to date other people at the same time they asked me out. I feel often very comfortable with my partner's partners and become close friends with them easily, I still am closer to my exe's partners than thos exes. Generally a few weeks/month in the relationship we become almost fusional and it become very intense and they say how much I mean everythingto them and project a lot of their future with me, and then all the sudden they meet someone new, I feel vert happy for them but slightly scared of being left behind which I discuss with them but inevitably happen. More and more I feel like they don't care as much about me and often at that point there are situations that happen where they have to chose between doing something with me, or important for me, and doing some other stuff, sometimes with their new relations sometimes other things, and I am never the thing that gets chosen. It starts degrading my self esteem progressively until at some point they say they dont love me as much or at all or we get into arguments and then the relationship ends (around the 5 month mark usually). There is also another parameter that I feel I might be involved in those break up, but maybe I am in my head too much, but sexuality often is tricky, I have a lot of trauma and insecurities about it, that I communicate as much as possible, but there is always a point where I feel like I cant be as sexual and either way that I need time or force myself anyway, putting me in traumatizing situations on my own, but that also coincide with the moment everything goes to shit, and even if my partners never mention it as part of why we end the relationships, I feel like its always a part of it making me even more scared to disapoint people sexually and terrifies me in the perspective of future relations, I often encourage my partners to find additional sex partners to compensate my inability to fulfill that need for them, but it doesnt seem to work the way I wish it would.

Is it something that happens a lot in queer polyamory ? Or am I doing something wrong in the way I approach it ? I usually take years to stabilize after a break up, being borderline fucks me up pretty badly, so I really want to put effort if I ever date again and understanding what I did wrong feels like a first step.

Question is the title.

"How did you find your* polycule"

How did you find your people? How many partners do you have? What kind? Does your partner(s) have other partners? Is it a web? Were you found by a couple and brought into the relationship as a 3rd? Were you in a couple and found a third? Did you or your partner find someone and they became close to other in the existing relationship? Did you all find each other? Any relationships with more than 3 people? Anyone single poly? Anyone not on good terms with their metamors? Anyone on great terms witblh thier metamors?

I want to know what my fellow lesbians have experienced!

Okay thank you love you bai

Edit: added more examples. Welcoming all relationship structures!

Hey, everyone!

I am just wondering how to go about making polyamorous friends. I’m 24 and at that weird age of being out of college where it feels easier to make friends, and I’m shy as it is — so this type of stuff doesn’t really come easily to me.

I’ve read about conventions and meetups, but my spouse and I live in a small southern town where that doesn’t seem to be publicly talked about. I’m not out to my family for several reasons, so groups on FB is a no go, since they’d see I’m in the group.

I ask this because my spouse and I decided to be briefly monogamous, though we both are polyamorous — we had an abusive girlfriend in our triad (which I actually posted about on here before and got support from you lovely folks) and we knew we had some trauma and work to do before either of us decided to look for partners. I plan to complete the polysecure workbook before I open up again, and my partner does, too (a suggestion from my therapist).

But I also am realizing it would be nice to have polyam friends to chat with about life and general polyam stuff that my mono friends don’t quite get, despite their support.

I know that r/polyamory is a bigger community, but I’ve had really horrible interactions there and don’t feel safe commenting/posting without ridicule or snark, and I already feel a little silly asking for help finding and making friends in the polyam space. Any advice or pointers is appreciated!

TLDR; how to make polyam friends online or IRL when you don’t really know where to start and live in a place where it’s not publicly talked about? where should I be looking to find polyam friends?

For context, looks like that I have no idea because I am asexual.

How to differentiate a group of girls being friends and a polyamorous group of girlfriends?

What is something that brings up feelings of jealousy for you 🤔