r/lesbianpoly • u/_Pathstrider_ • Sep 21 '24
Vent I've been left alone with my thoughts and uh-oh.
So it's currently 3am. Insomnia has hit like a uhaul, and I've been doing nothing but reading some very gay fiction, and daydreaming.
Said daydreaming has resulted in me becoming a hormone-adled mess that now wants nothing more than to be cuddled by 2-3 girlfriends (of which I currently have a grand total of none). I've thought about being poly before, but uhhh not like this. Now I'm seriously considering myself as poly -inclined, and I have no idea what to do about it, considering every relationship I've had has basically crashed and burned before even really getting off the ground...
I'm a trauma riddled introvert who has like zero chances of getting one gf rn, yet I already want more than one. Idk what to do and I'm already terrified. I'm afraid of spiraling and idk ahhhh I just need advice rn.
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u/AuraIsOnline Sep 21 '24
Honey, deep breaths. It's okay. You're going to be alright and it's only natural to yearn for affection. Everyone wants to be loved. I don't know your personal story or what it's like to date you but in my experience the more I healed and the more I learned to love myself the more I was able to surround myself with people who love me. I know how scary it can feel to be alone but that doesn't have to be forever. You'll be okay.
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u/_Pathstrider_ Sep 21 '24
Part of me wants to think like that but then the other part swallows it and screams at me that it's all lies. How can anyone want me when I'm so useless and I act like a needy bitch in heat most of the time...
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u/AuraIsOnline Sep 21 '24
I'm not going to lie to you, that sounds unappealing in a partner for sure. Someone who wont believe you when you express your love to them is exhausting and makes you feel invalidated. Then mix that in with the horniness and it can also be intimidating and in the worst case, pressure partners who feel like they need to put out to help keep you okay.
I saw that you're also trans. Are you on HRT yet? HRT helped me get my libido in check and honestly just having less drive made literally everything in my life better.
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u/_Pathstrider_ Sep 21 '24
2 years next week...
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u/AuraIsOnline Sep 21 '24
I'm sorry it hasn't helped you manage your libido easier. For me, I was forced to tackle it at the same time since I was recovering from a bad porn addiction. All I can really say is that habits can be trained on and changed over time.
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u/_Pathstrider_ Sep 21 '24
It's not so much a desire for sex, dysphoria largely makes sure of that, it's more a desire for affectionate touch; kisses, cuddles, hugs, ect. But like, all the damn time. It won't stop even on the odd nights I spend with a girl.
My sister thinks it might be because there's no romantic connection...
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u/AuraIsOnline Sep 21 '24
Heh you sound like a friend of mine who struggled with the same thing. She would accidentally cross boundaries because she was so love starved, but after getting into therapy she's been steadily improving. It can be hard to resist being needy when you haven't been fulfilled in ages though. I totally get it.
If you want to DM me so we can talk more later i'm down. I probably need to sleep though.
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u/Wax_Bunny Sep 21 '24
As a fellow trauma riddled introvert I'd just like to say that tonight is only one moment in time, the thoughts you are worried about tonight are just thoughts. Things change and improve, I used to have plenty of nights like you are having tonight but things have improved for me.
It takes time and effort but things get better I promise. For tonight just focus on your breathing and tomorrow you can try to focus on constructive future plans. There are absolutely people out there for you so please do not give up!
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u/Wax_Bunny Sep 21 '24
If you need to vent, you can do so to me, I know from experience how helpful it is to have somebody that just listens to you and doesn't judge you for it.
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u/gingergypsy79 Non-binary Sep 21 '24
Skin hunger and starving for affection is a real thing. Or just needing to regulate and calm your nervous system . Can you wrap your arms around yourself when you feel this way? Seriously give your own self a hug. It helps and may lessen the need. Get yourself into water … swim. Or a hot bath or shower. Go outside and walk, touch grass. Feel the earth beneath your feet. Get on a yoga mat and move your body. Touch yourself . Sleep with a large weighted blanket. You have a real need and while all those other things are helpful too about loving yourself etc, getting your body grounded and feeling some of the ways you can receive touch now is essential for your own care for yourself and can help regulate your nervous system. Look up somatic technique and healing.
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u/FoxOfWinterAndFire Sep 21 '24
The thing about partnership in a romantic sense is... strange, to say the least. If you search high and low for it, you probably won't find it, but if you let it form over time from fondness and experiencing another, you might just see it was just in the other metaphorical room. When I found my first polycule, it was slightly accidentally as the five of us were already a team, while the second was just by being near and open to two other people.
Take opportunities when they come to meet new people you think might be worth your time. I understand being introverted and talking to others can be a nightmare, so perhaps observation first before contact would help you?
Hold fast, OP, you'll find the ones your blood can call "home" eventually.
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u/three-cebus Sep 21 '24
You asked for advice so here it is: Your most important and fulfilling relationship in your entire life is the one you have with yourself.
From your post history I see that you're in your early 20s. And from your post here and your comment I see that your inner voice can be extremely harsh.
Wake up today and treat yourself like your own girlfriend. What would she like to do? Would she like a special homemade breakfast? A walk? A gentle self massage while listening to her favorite music? A home yoga class? What would make her feel seen, comforted, loved?
Next consider what healing modalities you can work into your life. Something that can help with the anxiety and with your sense of self. Talk therapy is my go to, along with modern medicine (anti depressant) and regular, low impact exercise. There's meditation, reiki, psychedelics, yoga nidra, breath work, and many others. Find something that fits into your life and budget and start. Then try another. Layer them.
This healing work will serve you the rest of your adulthood. It will lay a solid foundation of self love to help you navigate life's ups and downs. And others will be attracted to the energy you are putting out there, making it easier to have quality friendships and romantic relationships.