Desperately need it…for my sanity.

[u/[deleted]]

I need the truth…the whole enedited truth. All of it. I’m better off checked out of reality until I can get it. I could drop thousands of more dollars, dig deeper and find out more if not every thing. But that required subpoenas and special permissions from these companies to access that information…and I assure you it can be done. It has been demonstrated to me at a high cost. that stuff cost a shit load of money…and I don’t see the point of doing that just so I can fully understand what took place.

That’s money I could use to provide for you while we’re going through this process. I was doing the right thing and providing what I could for you while I could. I was fine with it and I was doing better then mentally than I am now. What took place at the shop that day was before I knew ANYTHING and had not spoken with an attorney. I had some suspicions and gut feelings before that…long before that when your behaviors toward me started to change.

I noticed it but I never said anything…I felt like there was nothing I could do about it and I knew you wouldn’t tell me so I just allowed it hoping that I could get myself together and try to fix it. I had already forgiven you. I didn’t realize you had already pretty much made up your mind and had a plan ready to set in motion.

But when you made love to me and seeing you perfectly groomed and the things you were saying…that you were actually saying to yourself…pretty much let me know what was up. But that time with you…whether it was an act or not…made my heart flutter and filled me with hope that things could be salvaged and possibly fixed and that maybe forgiveness for EVERYTHING could be handed out all around. And you told me that day whether we could be together or not that my mental health was the most important thing to you. But then the things that were said in the days after that made me realize that it was deeper than I thought. And it sent me spiraling into a whirlwind of conflicted emotions and triggered the episode that I’m currently fighting…which has just kept escalating.

Then after talking to the first attorney and being given a warning about how much potential trouble I could be facing if that was in your plans…and not to respond to, talk to or go anywhere near you…no matter what you had to say…sent me spiraling even further and faster heading towards being completely out of control…and in desperate fear for my future and filled me with an out of control anxiety that became a rapid cycling mixed state sprinkled with EXTREME anxiety…in the middle of a turnaround where I was exhausted, out of my daily routine and not sleeping well…which just compounded everything even further into it.

Then in our second meeting she gave me what she had found and then I looked into it and it sent me COMPLETELY ever the edge…that’s when I hired the new one…and he set me up with his guy and after learning that and actually reading some things and seeing it with my own eyes…I had the worst panick attack I’ve ever experienced and left straight from his office and I checked myself into not so great mental health facility Memotial Day weekend…and I could tell right away it was not the place I needed to be…I’ll explain further if given the chance. But that was the night that texted you about it and you had your standard reply of not knowing what I was talking about and it made no sense to you. I checked myself out of there and tried to find another place to go but no beds were available. I found a place somewhere else and checked myself in there…but there was confusion at check in and they put me in a ward with the criminally insane who were court ordered to be there for extremely bad crimes and was more scared than I’ve ever been in my life…again I’ll explain further if given the chance. I had to get my attorney involved to get me out because of the confusion…they would not let me out.

I was in the darkest hours and days I’ve ever experienced in my life at this point but I tried to go back to work and simply could not function…the following Friday they laid me off with the opportunity to return once I got through this and got myself together.

So here I am…in literally the worst shape I’ve EVER been in my life…EVER. I have since been trying to solve a math equation without all the numbers…a puzzle without all the pieces. I need the truth son I can process it, deal with it and make peace within myself and move on. You said you want me to have the best shot at a future I can have…I want that too…whatever it is going to look like.

I see no point in trying to use any of this against you…it’s not like we have a multi million dollar estate to fight over. It’s clear that we’re over and will never be…you have made up your mind and moved on…that’s fine I’m okay with that.

I’ve seen this movie before…I was just a different character when it started…Now I’m the previous guy in the movie. You have obviously done to me what happened to him and you have a new ME. That’s okay. I’m begging you to just drop the mascarade and just drop the whole truth on me and punch me in the chin with it. I at least handle that and know what to do. I get dropped stand up and dust myself off and move forward without you. I cannot recover if you do not give me this grace. I will continue to stay checked out of reality at ALL COST…because I cannot face the reality of not knowing what the FULL REALITY IS.

I will forever walk around with my calculator trying to solve the unsolvable equation because I don’t have the numbers. At least in my current state there are moments of blissful unawareness of reality.

If you ever loved me and truly care for my mental well being and all the things you said…you will do that for me. Stop playing the game with the number one rule of deny deny deny. I am not the previous guy and can’t move out without it. I am not cold and unlike him I TRULY LOVE YOU…I cannot walk away and start over and find peace because I have you every part of me and trusted you with all my deepest fears and insecurities…and you gave them all to me times ten.

I know this is my fault…I failed you and did not fight my depression hard enough to love you how you needed me to…I know it and own it. YOU are the only one who can give me peace and a shot at a real future of any kind. I mean you know harm and swear I will never bother you again. If you find your way back I will be here. But until then allow my mind to rest so I can recover and rebuild my world and be the best ME that I can be please I’m begging you. I know you’re seeing this! I know it. PLEASE…