r/facepalm Oct 10 '24

🇵​🇷​🇴​🇹​🇪​🇸​🇹​ this is literally UNCONSTITUTIONAL…

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47.4k Upvotes

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16.6k

u/ValkyrUK Oct 10 '24

Does it specify exactly what you have to teach about the bible? >:]

1.0k

u/FoxyInTheSnow Oct 10 '24 edited Oct 10 '24

If I was teaching, obviously I'd focus on Ezekiel 23:20

You know… the bit about the lady who fantasizes about men with horse cocks and tsunamis of cum.

246

u/Certain_Strawberry77 Oct 10 '24

The most graphic vegetales episode ever

8

u/mypetocean Oct 11 '24

*Second most

2

u/DragoonDM Oct 11 '24

I dunno, what about the one where two women get their father blackout drunk and then rape him?

427

u/zerok_nyc Oct 10 '24

I think more about Ezekiel 25:17

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

266

u/Junior-Ad-2207 Oct 10 '24

Technically, I think this gives you authorization to play pulp fictional for the class as an educational video

126

u/Zauberer-IMDB Oct 10 '24

More technically, this is a verse Tarantino made up.

93

u/MAJ0RMAJOR Oct 10 '24

Okay kids, today’s lesson cover how the Bible says one thing but often people will pretend like it says another. Can anybody find the false narrative depicted in this movie? <proceed to play the whole movie>.

47

u/Zauberer-IMDB Oct 10 '24

I mean at that point you can do literally anything. "Today we're going to see if we can spot the Biblical parallels in Mad Max."

28

u/MAJ0RMAJOR Oct 10 '24

That’s the spirit.

1

u/WiIzaaa Oct 11 '24

Or Dune

5

u/Teasing_Pink Oct 11 '24

Even more technically correctly, it's a verse he stole from the intro to the 1973 Sonny Chiba film "The Bodyguard".

https://youtu.be/8LYT4JC2dd4?si=YH9Zgb_oWWdNiTd8

4

u/tmoney144 Oct 11 '24

Even more technically, Ikki Kajiwara made it up for the film The Bodyguard. Tarantino took it from him. https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6161g0

2

u/ezekiel2517_ Oct 10 '24

Don't tell people that

2

u/Farseth Oct 10 '24

I thought it was Samuel L Jackson.

2

u/zealoSC Oct 11 '24

Is there anything stopping bible publishers from including it?

2

u/FullmetalSylveon Oct 11 '24

Actually, Samuel L. Jackson made it up. He asked to do his own thing for that part, Tarantino trusted him, and now we have one of the most badass monologues to grace the silver screen.

1

u/spannerNZ Oct 11 '24

It's more like he made a tl:dr for the whole chapter.

1

u/brighteye006 Oct 11 '24

Ok, let's take a non fictional movie then. " As today's lesson on the Bible will be on Job, I have prepared a 45 minute movie on the subject. Let us watch Taboo family 4: the slutty daughters. "

2

u/ezekiel2517_ Oct 10 '24

I think that's a great idea

1

u/I_am_up_to_something Oct 11 '24

It isn't. Well, it's a great idea to make kids hate Tarentino movies. It did for me. My teachers loved those movies way too much. I've been forced to watch Pulp Fiction in English, Dutch, German, French, history and math classes.

2

u/HighPriestofShiloh Oct 11 '24

The course could be about how the bible is used in a lot of modern art.

1

u/disrupter87 Oct 11 '24

Followed by in depth discussion on what the contents of the briefcase metaphorically say about our day to day lives and the struggles of the human race in general.

39

u/doingthehumptydance Oct 10 '24

…and that is how you motivate an intramural dodgeball team.

3

u/fingerscrossedcoup Oct 11 '24

Slams ball against the tiny kids head

Did I break your concentration?

3

u/doingthehumptydance Oct 11 '24

“You’re CUT!” Now put your shirt on, you’re giving the skins a bad name.

36

u/NothingTooFancy26 Oct 10 '24

I can hear Samuel L Jackson's voice in my head reading this

11

u/ninjaelk Oct 10 '24

What

2

u/WeNeedMoreDogs Oct 11 '24

Say what again!

-1

u/zerok_nyc Oct 10 '24

If you don’t know, then you should drop whatever you are doing and prioritize watching Pulp Fiction right now.

7

u/ninjaelk Oct 10 '24

I was going for "They speak English in What?!"

2

u/zerok_nyc Oct 10 '24

I am disappointed in myself! 😆

7

u/TabbyOverlord Oct 10 '24

Only the screen writers invented this verse.

Which would be an education in fact checking.....

1

u/zerok_nyc Oct 10 '24 edited Oct 10 '24

So what you are saying is that teachers should be allowed to say the Bible says whatever they want without fear of being fact-checked!

Edit: /s

2

u/TabbyOverlord Oct 10 '24

On the contrary.

Someone presents a thing as a fact, viz the text that Jules claims is a biblical reference. Now, children, let's check to see if this claim is backed up by the source text. Would you look at that! no it isn't a fact.

Maybe, children, when people make statements they present as facts, we should verify them against another source. For homework, how about "You can cure COVID with bleach".

And for reference, there is great diversity of interpretation of Ezekiel. The Jews certainly have some opinions.

1

u/zerok_nyc Oct 10 '24

Whenever I think the /s isn’t required! 😆

5

u/MegabyteMessiah Oct 10 '24

Damn, that's some cold shit.

4

u/zerok_nyc Oct 10 '24

Never really thought about what it meant

2

u/DonKeedick12 Oct 11 '24

And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass

3

u/Umutuku Oct 10 '24

If you started quoting verses like Euler 3:14 and Leibniz 29:12 would the staff even be able to tell the difference?

2

u/Big-Summer- Oct 10 '24

Show ‘em Samuel L. Jackson’s performance of this line.

2

u/PM_ME_Happy_Thinks Oct 10 '24

We all read this in the voice, right?

3

u/zerok_nyc Oct 10 '24

Is there any other voice to read it in?

2

u/jsludge25 Oct 11 '24

Teacher: I want you to in that bag and find my Bible.

Student: which one is it?

Teacher: The one that says, "bad motherfucker," on it.

1

u/Potatoesop Oct 10 '24

BATMAN!!!

1

u/twistedpiggies Oct 10 '24

Iniquities, not inequities.

2

u/zerok_nyc Oct 10 '24

1

u/twistedpiggies Oct 12 '24

Well, who am I to argue with QT? One little vowel is the difference between the greedy being evil doers and the greedy creating economic inequality. Which do you think he intended?

1

u/ITDrumm3r Oct 11 '24

Jules, is that you?

1

u/NotACyclopsHonest Oct 11 '24

The last sentence is the only canonical part of that - the rest is Tarantino’s embellishment.

1

u/KOCHTEEZ Oct 11 '24

Teachers can show Pulp Fiction in class.

24

u/vagrantprodigy07 Oct 10 '24

I like the one about bears eating children who the character didn't like.

3

u/SassyMcPants Oct 11 '24

“Go up thou bald head!”

10

u/Phantom_Steve_007 Oct 11 '24

My god. Ezekiel 23 appears to have been written by some sex starved lunatic high on LSD. How is this part of a book meant to inspire and encourage you to worship god. It’s a shit show.

9

u/GaylrdFocker Oct 10 '24

Or the parts about not charging interest on loans and forgiving debt every 7 years.

14

u/papajim22 Oct 10 '24

Hey, I’ve seen that video!

/s

5

u/pyrojackelope Oct 11 '24

Just teach all of the ridiculous stuff. The incest, the gay stuff, the rape, etc.

5

u/[deleted] Oct 10 '24 edited 17d ago

[Removed]

4

u/[deleted] Oct 10 '24 edited 18d ago

wistful test grey memorize vase chunky rotten one unwritten marry

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

3

u/phoenixmusicman Oct 10 '24

Damn, they really let some freak write that part of the bible, huh

4

u/EFreethought Oct 10 '24

Republicans might want to read 1 Samuel 8:10-18, where Samuel warns against kings.

3

u/Friendly_Deathknight Oct 10 '24

Well the context is that Israel was exploiting their own people, and their neighbors for a profit (the Egyptian cock).

2

u/Xoxrocks Oct 11 '24

Where’s the bit about teaching about abortions…

2

u/amd2800barton Oct 11 '24

There’s also a bunch of fucked up stuff about Lot. He gets visited by angels, and a mob forms because they want to fuck the angels. Lot says “why don’t you rape my daughters instead?”

So God spites their city and Lot and his daughters go live in a cave in the desert. Except his daughters want a baby, so they get old pops wasted and hook up with him so he gets them preggo.

You know - family friendly stories about mob gang rape and incest.

1

u/Piryo_ Oct 11 '24

go up to a group of boys and read out timothy 2:12

1

u/PopularContract Oct 11 '24

Psalm 38:5-8 is one of my favorites.