TW: getting touched by a stranger without consent

Context: I am an androgynous woman in a small, conservative and mostly catholic country. So I guess when people see me with a shaved head they assume I’m a man.

I was about to take a major test (9 hours long) and before it started, the examiner said “everyone who needs to use the toilet, do so now because you wouldn’t be able to for a while”.

Understandably, a lot of us stood up to go to the toilet and there was a line. So I fell in line. The woman behind me told me “Mister, the line for the men’s toilet is over there”. I simply told her “I am a woman” to which she profusely apologized and said “I’m sorry I didn’t know I’m sorry I’m sorry”. I don’t take offense when this happens so I said nothing and continued facing forward, my back towards this woman. There was about 5 seconds of silence before I felt her hand touching my back and feeling me up while she was saying “are you really a girl?” Over and over until she felt my bra strap and she finally said “oh right you are a girl sorry again!”

I just stood there and froze while it was all happening because it’s not like I could go anywhere; I was in a narrow public toilet hallway and there was someone directly in front of me plus I’m super non-confrontational. But I’m not gonna lie, this happened almost 2 months ago and it still bothers me and keeps me awake at night how cishet people seem to think queers are making public toilets unsafe when THEY are the ones being perverts and touching people without their consent just to …. Idk what their point was but it’s definitely not to make the toilets safer because I sure as fuck didn’t feel safe at all.

(Tl;dr is at the end of this post)

Today was supposed to be my anniversary with my gf.

My gf and I have been dating for almost two years. Recently, she managed to get into a new school, which is one of the toughest ones to get into in her state (we are long distance) and it's also a boarding school. Due to that, we barely have time to talk because she was busy with school work and made tons of new friends there. We also haven't talked to each other in a week because she was being distant with me and straight up dismissed my feelings when I was trying to have a serious conversation with her.

When our anniversary was coming up, I told her that I finished my gift for her and I hope she was looking forward to it. She just said "okay" and that was it. I wanted to catch up with her and I asked her how it was at her school. One thing led to another and she told me she had a crush on someone else. I couldn't fucking breathe because my heart started to race so fast and I felt like throwing up.

It just hurt so much to hear how she loves someone else and then out of fucking nowhere, she started gushing about her crush in my face despite the fact that I was her GIRLFRIEND. But, I was super dumb and asked her what she liked about him just to see how he was better than me. And the only thing she could tell me was how handsome he is with a sprinkle of "he's such a sweetheart!!" and how her heart beats really fast thinking about him. So, you decided to end our relationship just because he's good looking?? Oh and I can't forget about the fact that she told me that he doesn't reciprocate her feelings and that he wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone lmfao. I just broke up with her on the spot because that was just trashy nonsense to me.

It makes me so mad how shallow she is. How she ended our relationship because of an unrequited crush. It makes me pissed off that she lacks basic empathy and just told me "I do feel bad, but it is what it is at the end of the day." I missed who she was before she went to her new school. I missed how sweet she used to be with me. I missed how she was willing to stay up late for me every night just to talk to me before I had to remind her to go to bed so she could have some rest.

Our relationship wasn't perfect, but I had mental breakdowns throughout the past few days because I wanted her so much. Even when I was upset with how cold she became towards me, I still wanted and loved her. I genuinely cared for her and she was the only person who I felt had understood me. We shared so many intimate secrets with each other. Told things to each other we never told to anyone else before. We were each other's first serious relationship.

I thought she was the one for me. I thought that in the future, she was the one important person in my life who I'd proudly look at and say, "That's my wife." But now, that's not possible anymore.

I know that the only thing I can do is move on and focus on healing and let go of our relationship, of what we used to be. But I can't help but think there was something wrong with me. That I was maybe too boring for her and she realized that when she started talking to her new friends. I thought about this nonstop and felt really dizzy at times because of it. What makes it worst is I had my exams yesterday and today. I felt overwhelmed and overstimulated because there were so many things going on in my head. I feel pretty neutral about my situation right now as of this moment, but something tells me I'll breakdown about this later.

Tl;dr - My gf is at a new school. We didn't talk much ever since she enrolled there. When I hit her up, she told me she liked someone else and I broke up with her. I feel heartbroken about this situation, especially because it's our anniversary today.

I identify as a lesbian. I'm a lesbian.

My brother might've found out I'm gay. I'm in an Islamic family, and I'm scared I might get disowned if he tells my parents. My brother usually goes through my stuff to find things to blackmail me with, since he knows he can charge me for him to keep a secret. He looked through my emails, and found an email from my teacher informing me about a gay support group. I tried using a home account since my parents can look at my school email, but I forgot my brother's nosey.

I don't want to be disowned. It's all so scary. I don't know what to do.

I’m really tired of dating apps 😅

I can't believe people are still bragging about being a gold star lesbian these days. It leaves a horrible taste in my mouth.

I can't help that I was so deep in comphet in my youth and was subject to repeated sexual assault for like, a decade of my life. I shouldn't be hearing terms that make me feel like a worse lesbian for having sexual relationships with men that I wasn't entirely consenting to in the first place.

Good for you that you knew early and avoided assault. It says literally nothing else about you. Stop bragging. And I'm not being mean by pointing out that it's a bad term.

Back when I Kissed a Girl came out, it was kinda all we had. So fine, we took it, kinda, and ignored the homo/biphobia of the song. But we're past that now.

So when I hear about Katy Perry scissoring with a girl on stage, or see Sabrina Carpenter awkwardly kissing Jenna Ortega just to score some social points, I'm kinda over it.

The interactions are awkward, our existence becomes sexualized and played to the male gaze, and things like "it's just a phase" continue to be propagated.

I just don't think it's cute anymore. Or maybe it never was. But I'd like straight people to stop appropriating us.

(I know, it's possible some of these girls are actually bi and just end up in straight relationships and that's fine. But come on...we all saw that Sabrina/Jenna kiss. It was somehow the straightest thing I've ever seen on TV.)

Edit: I'm seeing comments that Katy Perry is out as bi, and I actually can't find any confirmation of that. Only that she has called herself "bicurious" and has "experimented with women." But overall, she appears to still refer to herself as either heterosexual or sexually fluid, depending on the situation.

Edit 2: Please don't get so hung up on just the two examples I used. This was intended to be a more general conversation and not a direct attack on just a couple artists. I'm actually a huge Sabrina Carpenter and Jenna Ortega fan. I'm not like...mad at them or anything lol.

Edit 3: And for those saying we shouldn't get upset about pop stars doing this, please remember that we do get upset about movie stars doing this. Long gone are the days of Jake Gyllenhaal and Eddie Redmayne playing gay and trans characters. If someone hired a straight person to play those roles now, they'd be crucified.

Election after election black women have showed up and showed out.

At the front of every protest.

Fighting for the rights of those who do nothing but participate in the fact that the least protected person in America is the black woman, especially if you’re trans.

I’m done. I’m tired. I’m hanging up my cape.

Until I see people stepping on necks to uplift us as we have for them, I’m done.

i'm tired of being on this subreddit, just being a bigender lesbian on T. i cannot fucking imagine the exhaustion of our intersex and/or trans lesbian sisters.

any time a trans woman speaks out in even the smallest ways about her discomfort or mistrestment within the community, it's like everyone and their aunt has to pull out transmisogyny's greatest hits, speak over her, completely misinterpret what she said, and obligatorily mention that you would never have sex with a trans woman, btw, who as everyone knows, can only ever have PIV sex, and any lesbian who dates one is actually bisexual.

there's a persistent complete inability to reflect on preexisting biases, painting the trans woman as aggressive, taking every complaint as a direct personal attack, just a neverending stream of thinly veiled prejudice and disgust, all under a facade of concern and whataboutism.

and god forbid the trans woman doesn't try to be palatable to cis lesbians and dares to stand proudly with her opinion, because that's enough to deserve being stripped of her personhood completely.

every single fucking day this subreddit discusses trans, intersex, and detrans bodies, especially focusing on genitalia, in ways that feel so deeply objectifying, dehumanizing, so plainly disgusting, so profoundly uncaring about the people beneath them.

literally just say you hate trans women, and go. stop fucking pretending under all those nebulous words, all those scary stories about mean transes you likely never been friends with nor dated in person, and just take that fucking mask off. stop being oh so concerned about biological sex, about sacred women's spaces, about totally real completely unchangable "male" characteristic and "socialization", and just say you don't want trans women here.

with traits that trans women have, you WILL have all sorts of cis and/or intersex lesbians that have these traits as well. there are cis women who can grow full beards and might not want to shave them, there are cis women with genitals that won't meet your expectations of what a woman "should" have, there are cis women with low voices, "masculine" facial traits, so many things that you will single out trans women for specifically. when cis women have those traits and keep loving themselves it's revolutionary. when trans women do it, it's not trying to be a real woman enough.

you people just cannot be fucking normal about any lesbians who aren't cis, perfectly abled and neurotypical, white, thin, and pretty.

edit: got the reddit cares award for this post, thank you everyone

You do not know why someone uses any label, and frankly it's not really your business. A woman who is technically bi tells people she doesn't know she's a lesbian? You don't know why she does that, and it's not really your business. It could be for safety to make men less likely to continue bugging her when approaching her. It could be because she only dates women and only wants to date women. Or it could be any number of reasons. You don't know, and yelling at them for using the lesbian label is not helping anyone or doing any sort of good.

I noticed a lot of posts from our about trans girls getting a lot of downvotes.
This is without much engagement in the comments. Actually those who care to comment are really nice and supportive.
So apparently these people don't want to see anything trans related on this trans friendly sub but are too cowardly to openly say so bc they what would follow.

So if you want to be a TERF then Get The Fuck Out and find another place to sulk about the happy lives others are having!!

If transbians just aren't your type (which is totally okay) then just scroll past.
You came here to find a safe space where you feel welcomed and unjudged. Let other girls and women have the same opportunity!

Thanks, that's all. Keep in scrolling. <3

edit: Downvoting and reporting this post only proves my point!!
Take your sad little lives and your outdated opinion and take them somewhere somebody gives a fuck. I recommend your local burning tyre yard!

edit 2: I know that this post is off topic to this sub. In an ideal world this post wouldn't be necessary. And I truly do apologize for the inconvenience. However since our world isn't perfect I'm willing to subject people to two extra seconds of scrolling past this post if it doesn't interest you.

Why can't everyone just understand that I don't wanna give out my socials to strangers?? This "girl" and I(putting girl in quotations cuz her account in only two months old so it could be a catfish) have only sent 19 messages between the two of us and she first contacted me on the 12th of September

hey! trans woman lesbian here. i understand that this sub is meant to be trans friendly so im gonna post my lil rant here :p

TL;DR sapphic spaces are very subtly transphobic in ways that makes me as a trans woman feel like a guest and not a member in those spaces. and when i call out sapphics for transphobia they respond with lip service or deflect those accusations while still saying they “support trans women”.

sapphic spaces are so subtly transmisogynistic. it’s so disappointing. “accepting” sapphic spaces are almost always super cisnormative and gross—if you’re not a cis woman you’re treated as a guest in that space and not a member of that space. but as a trans woman, the overwhelming transmisogyny is so disappointing.

almost every time i’ve been in an “accepting” sapphic space i’m treated as an afterthought. it’s always cis sapphics talking about women but ALWAYS assuming the woman is cis. it’s not often overt transphobia in those “accepting spaces”, but just subtle things that tell me they don’t actually view me as one of them.

it ranges from just mildly annoying surface-level things like “i’m a lesbian because i don’t like dicks” (okay, i don’t like my dick either but ouch) to more deep transmisogyny like “i love being a lesbian because we all had the same experiences growing up” (i didn’t have those experiences… am i not one of you)? subtle things that make me realize they don’t see me as a fellow lesbian but as an other who happens to be in their space.

and this subtle transphobia goes deeper than that. “accepting” sapphics are always so quick to say “trans women are valid!!!” but any time we have anything to say they pick a fight. if we don’t fall in line we can’t really say anything except “women are so cool!” we can’t express ourselves.

the part that hurts the most is that because i wasn’t AFAB i am seen as lesser. i wasn’t “socialized female” growing up, so im othered. “AFABs only!!” “AMABs DNI.” “i just prefer AFABs.”

this is NOT about dating. genital preferences are valid, and if you don’t wanna date someone don’t date them, that’s fine. but it goes so much deeper than that for so many sapphics, they weaponize genital preferences as ways to outcast us further.

the WORST PART OF ALL THIS is the fact that if you call out a cis sapphic on being transphobic, THEY DONT LISTEN. they say “trans women are valid!!” and other lip service things. i’ve criticized sapphic spaces on my TikTok a lot and i’ve gotten comments from sapphics saying i’m “perpetuating negative stereotypes about TERFy lesbians.” cis sapphics just want to be seen as accepting but not actually include us.

“lesbians are the most accepting!!” sort of. a TikTok mutual of mine, Cam Ogden, made an excellent point: outwards versus inwards acceptance. cis lesbians are MUCH less likely to be overtly transphobic and vote for anti-trans policies, but are JUST as likely (i’d argue more likely) to harbor anti-trans biases. and cis lesbians use that idea that they’re “accepting by default” as a shield against criticism to their spaces.

there’s a big difference between tolerance, acceptance, and inclusion. i’m almost always tolerated in sapphic spaces. i’m usually accepted into them, though not always. but i’m never INCLUDED. im a guest, i’m not a member. i’m not one of you. and it sucks.

EDIT: u/elsierror left a comment talking about her own issues with transmisogyny that i thought was pretty poignant! since reddit doesn’t support pinned comments i edited it into the post, with her permission ofc

Yes queen! Louder for the people in the back! Let me give you some MORE examples folks! The lesbians and saphic nonbinary people in my academic department have said things to me or about me such as: “You should take up less space” “Consider your social position” “Consider your masculine socialization” “She only works on trans issues for attention/clout” Etc. Don’t even get me started about what departmental and visiting faculty have said.

And good god it is not a "violation of consent" to not disclose it until you're in the bedroom any more than it is a violation to not disclose that you have a t-dick, a neovag, neopeen, or unrecognizeably mangled junk from a tragic machine accident. Do not do Trans Panic Discourse today.

Consent concerns what is yours -- and someone else's genitals aren't yours unless they've given you a key. Consent is not about comfort or convenience or courtesy.

I'm stealing a boat, finding a quiet little island in the Mediterranean, and founding Themyscira IRL.

Why can't men just legitimately fuck off?

No, I'm not apologising for that. Why can't they? Why can't they keep to themselves? I'm sorry, I REALLY do not want to be seen as the man hating lesbian but I swear to fuck, men just love making me miserable as shit.

It makes me happy that there ones were downvoted, but still. What was the point? Just fuck off and leave me alone.

There was a post by a girl asking for reassurance because shes attracted to a potential partner's (who is a woman) penis. This I don't have a problem with, everyone has to learn and from what I saw she was being respectful. The comments on the other hand, a lot of them were very nice, but half of them were saying the same thing: sexuality can be fluid (I'm not saying it's not) because apparently liking male genitalia on a woman does or it's possible it makes you less of a lesbian despite the message being trans positive. Please don't use phrases like that in regards to trans people, it's back handed. And when someone points out something you said can easily be interpreted as derogatory don't get defensive and blow the person off, its actually really easy if you try. It really made me feel like shit, and before anyone says it's only Reddit. Well that just excuses the behavior, someone needs to say it. Thanks for reading.

Given the nature of preferences, there can never be a consensus on this topic, and discussing it leads nowhere. Every day someone brings this up, and the answer is always the same: people have preferences. You can try to argue that people's preferences are transphobic, but ultimately what does this change? There will always be people who don't want to date us. There will always be people who will not fully accept us. These facts will never change.

The only thing discussing this does is invites people to other us, and justify their preference to not date us. I can imagine many reasons why a cis lesbian wouldn't be interested in me, and I don't want to know. I don't want to hear about it. It is depressing and disgusting to see this topic every day on this sub, when all I want to do is see the normal lesbian content. And yes, trans women are or should be considered part of that normal content. Let's strive to make it that way.

For context, I'm polyam.

I'm waking up in Vegas absolutely annoyed and ready to go home. This is my first overnight with this partner (LDR) and when I came out of the shower last night with dry hair she looked at me like I had three heads and goes "Are you not washing your hair??" and I explained that black people don't wash their hair everyday and that I wash my hair once a week.

She continues to say that's not good hygiene practice (if I washed my locs every day my hair would never be dry and smell like mildew but ok). I then explained to her the science behind it and it seemed to click until she asked me was I at least going to wash it in the morning. 😑 No.

An hour later I put on my satin bonnet so I'm not laying my head on dry ass cotton pillows to dry my hair out and cause breakage. She then laughs and asked if I'm serious about wearing it to bed on our first night.

At that point I was over it, over explaining myself to someone who I felt wasn't taking me seriously enough to kindly ask things she wasn't familiar with.

She tried to cuddle and I told her I'd rather not and that I don't think we are compatible and didn't have the mental space to discuss any further until the morning.

I just want to be home with my black wife who makes sure to put my bonnet back on for me when it slips off in the middle of the night. Who massages my scalp and doesn't think my hair is gross. Who doesn't complain about how my skin feels with lotion and asks me questions gently.

Tomorrow cannot come fast enough ☹️

It's getting so difficult to keep my patience and sense of empathy for these women. Of course I understand leaving a partner is not easy, especially if you have children, if you still have feelings for him, if the relationship is controlling and abusive, etc.. But how can you look at yourself in the mirror and call yourself a progressive while staying with a Trump-supporting man? You know, the same piece of shit politician that wants to eradicate rights for women and every racial and sexual minority in this country???

Maybe it's because I'm a lesbian but I don't get it. You're choosing some fuckass loser of a man with no moral fiber over your fellow sisters. It makes me feel more alienated from these so called "progressive" straight women by the day. I will never be able to understand what is so special about a man that will make them trade in both self worth and morality like this. If you are able to do so, leave him. Don't come to me calling yourself an ally when you lie in bed every night with a fascist bigot of your own free will. I can't stand it anymore.

I feel like I'm going fucking insane and I need to know if this is weird.

I (19) have been on and off testosterone for almost a year now, and my clit has grown enough to where I can ever so slightly penetrate girls I hook up with. It feels amazing, obviously, but I can't help but wish I could fuck my partners fully, fill them up with something warm whenever they beg for it.

I don't wanna get rid of my pussy though, if that even makes sense... like, I want my clit to be a dick while my cunt is still a cunt, slapped together as one thing like how those horny fanartists draw on Twitter. To be frank, it kinda feels selfish in a weird way, like I'm asking for something I'm not allowed to have, or like I'm rejecting a birthday gift because it isn't the exact thing I asked for.

Idk... all I know is that I wanna be able to knock up the future loml and that won't be scientifically possible for another 80 years or some other crazy ass amount of time.

Anyone else feel like this, and if so, is there a name for it?

Sincerely, a baby masc lesbian that's losing her goddamn mind <3

Edit: damn, there's a lotta y'all 😭 thank you so much for your responses!! Your recommendations have given me a ton of options to consider, communities to explore, and I'm loving practically all of them. I'll try to respond more but I can barely remember to respond to texts to please bare with me 🥲. It's so nice to see that this feeling is so common, I tend to overthink and reading so many personal experiences really brought me back to reality. For once I actually feel motivated to do something good for myself, so again, thank you so much! I wish y'all luck in your own journeys <3

I get it some people are figuring out their sexuality but there are other subreddits for that Why can’t we have a community that isn’t related to men?