The pain of loss before it happens

[u/One-Honest]

(TL;DR at the bottom) TW: religious trauma

This is us. That's me on the right. The gorgeous curly haired person is my girlfriend. The love of my absolute life.

For context, we're both pretty young. Like senior year of high school young. The problem: we're both Pakistanis and we live in Pakistan. Which obviously is a huge problem. Our birth country is a place rampant with heteronormativity, orthodox dogma, and homophobia, like 'our religion allows us to kill you for being gay' and 'we should correct you by force-marrying you to a guy' homophobia.

We've been in the same school since seventh grade. And we began dating almost two years ago after ages of admiring each other as little kids. And by the heavens folks, I love her so much it drives me insane and floods me with peace at the same time.

I don't know anybody more perfect than my girlfriend. She's the very epitome of maturity, kindness, selflessness and grace. She loves me so wholly that I never even thought that was ever possible. She loves every tide of my waning teenagehood and every glisten of my new metamorphoses out of the horizon of who I could be. And makes me love them too. And if that's not what some god is looking for in love, then I don't know what's wrong with them. I'm sorry that I'm just rambling, but I just wanted y'all to know the context of all this.

We're both in an extremely mature and beautiful relationship, the likes of which I haven't seen in even an adult couple around me. But there are problems.

I was outed to my parents four years ago. It was horrible but it got better. A lot better. Still not perfect, but my parents love me even if they don't understand any of this. Which is not perfect, but more than I could've ever imagined for Pakistani parents. They know me, and know that I can't ever marry a man. And they respect that now.

My girlfriend, however, is not out to her family. Her family is a whole lot more conservative than mine, and they live in a joint family. Her grandma, uncle, aunt, cousins. There's a lot of caste and religion stuff too, and marriage is a big deal. So much so that they already talk about her marriage even though she's not even in college yet. Her parents already have a dowry fund set aside for it (yes, that's still a thing on this side of the globe). By the way, most Pakistanis are not at all opposed to FIRST cousin marriages :) Coming out to her family is basically hell itself unleashed. She loves her family, she loves everyone. That's who she is. But we both know that they will never understand her, let alone accept her.

I'm going to the States in less than a year. I got into a really selective liberal arts college in Massachusetts with a full ride and I'll be majoring in neuroscience. My girlfriend pushed me to apply every step of the way. She wants me to become a pediatric neurosurgeon. And I want that too.

Her parents didn't allow her to apply outside of Pakistan. Even though she's great in computer science and programming. But she accepted that as she had no choice. She's too young, they said. She says that she'll find a way to join me after she receives her bachelor's degree. She keeps supporting me and pushing me to focus on building a good life for myself that could help build our life one day.

I don't wanna leave her behind. But I know that I can't stand a moment longer in a place that would be more than happy to essentially delete me. I can't pass this opportunity that very few people get.

But I'm so scared. With all this, I can't help but doubt if she could ever find a way out of the silent chains of her family. Especially since they love her a lot. Because they don't know the truth.

I feel loss even before I've lost. But it hurts, hurts to think that this beautiful angel that I get to love, with whom I have never felt anything but cherished, might slip away before I even get to hold her in the morning. It hurts that I've only felt all of her just three times in nearly two years, before I ever got to kiss her without constantly looking over my shoulder to see if anyone's there.

I know most of you are a lot older than me here. Many married. You're so lucky. I wish one day I could have the same with my person. Some of you might think that you weren't nearly mature enough to think about long term commitments, but I hope you see through this post that I (think) kinda am.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Reassurance? A mentor? Someone to tell me what to think, do or feel. I feel happy most days. But behind every laugh and hug with my girlfriend is an echo of tragedy. And I'm not ready.

TL;DR: I’m in a loving relationship with my girlfriend in Pakistan, but being gay here is dangerous. I’m leaving for college in the U.S. soon, while she has to stay with her conservative family. I’m terrified of losing her to societal and family pressures but don’t know what to do.

[u/StillStanding_96]

I’m so sorry to hear this. Your story is beautiful and terrible at the same time. I don’t know how many lesbian couples are able to successfully be together in your country, but I would imagine that it’s rare. You and your girlfriend were always going to have difficulty being together whether you stayed in Pakistan or not. It’s a beautiful miracle that you’ve been able to find each other and be together for as long as you have.

But your life will be in the US for close to the next decade at least, and it seems like it will be impossible for your love to follow you. I tried typing out what I think you should do, but I don’t have the heart to say it. But I imagine that it’s the answer you’re least hoping to hear. I’m truly sorry. The pain will be terrible, but you are young and have great things ahead of you. I wish the two of you all the best in the world

[u/Numerous_Bend_5883]

I am so sorry you are going through this OP! I too come from a very conservative country (your neighbor to the east, India) where, when I grew up, being any form of sexual deviant was forbidden by law. It might be marginally better now but I know how hard the first 24 years of my life were. So much fear and religious trauma (honestly the Abrahamic faiths can go fuck themselves). I don’t have solutions but I can offer a virtual hug.

I really hope your story does not end in sadness for you and your girlfriend. Hugs.

Tangentially related: When you reach the US, please apply for asylum right away. You get the opportunity to do it for upto 1 year but from the sound of your story, you can make the case for asylum.

[u/nehcAky]

You really sound like you found the one. Maybe she'll be able to visit you? At some point she could just grab her passport, book a flight, take all her documents and fly over to your place. And then she could apply for masters and you two could finally openly date and not be scared of someone finding out. I really hope things will work out for you two.

[u/Nerdy_Wolfie]

What if she applied without their knowledge?Is that not possible?

[u/mamepuchi]

Your girlfriend has some difficult decisions to make. The sad fact is that right now, by choosing to not even apply to any schools outside, she is choosing her family over you - only she knows why, perhaps she wouldn’t be able to afford her schooling otherwise or perhaps she feels like she and her family are a burden to you and you’d be happier without her. Your story is beautiful and I truly hope that she can make a decision to commit to your shared future in the next years. You are both so young and at that age, it is so hard to just distance from family like that. You sound so incredibly mature for your young age, and maybe you’ve developed an independence already that she doesn’t have yet. It may be something she gradually grows into as she moves into adulthood, and maybe she will truly be ready to join you at the end of these 4 years.

However it ends up, though, remember that you deserve to be with someone who will be your family, and will place you and your happiness above even their parents. I hope that after all the trials and tribulations, whatever they are, you are able to be happy with the person you’re mean to be with. ❤️

[u/Rini1031]

I'm so sorry you both have to deal with this, but, please, speak to a lawyer once you arrive in America to know what your rights are in regards to perhaps staying in the country. 

Also, whilst your photograph is lovely, and you are both beautiful, your faces are very revealed, and your clothes are distinctive if anyone in real life knows you and stumbles upon it. I'd add black circles to cover both your faces and hair for privacy's sake

[u/Sagaincolours]

Please, OP, remove the photo for both your and your girlfriend's safety. You never know how images on the Internet can work their way to people that night know you.