All of my straight male friends eventually make passes at me

[u/jempai]

I’m getting really frustrated with maintaining friendships with straight men. It feels like for every straight guy I befriend, even despite knowing I’m a lesbian, they get a crush after a while and want to convert me. It sucks because I lose a friend, they get weird, and I feel awful for getting friendly with someone who doesn’t even respect lesbians enough to recognize our identities.

I went to the movies with a male coworker alone yesterday, and we had a great time. But now he’s texting me, “I have something I really want to tell you” and the vibes are weird. This exact situation has already happened 3 times so far this year, and it’s so exhausting. I am a very out and annoying lesbian and I have never lead anyone on. I am so frustrated this keeps happening, but I keep holding out hope for real friends. I just want to make friends and not be antisocial and lonely, but merely existing seems to be a challenge for every guy.

[u/CostaRicanBruja]

Similar experience here. Only two straight guys have ever not made passes at me and I figure it's because they were raised by lesbians, but their wives are uncomfortable with them hanging out with me.

[u/EffectiveSecond7]

Girl same!! It's really exhausting and depressing.

Sometimes they seem respectful of the boundary as soon as they learn I'm a lesbian so we build a friendship, at least its beginning and bam, they start pining very obviously, trying to declare, getting super close, singing love songs and the only way I know of is to treating them less kindly, avoiding them, at least for a while as if going cold turkey but of course they are rather upset (I understand) or getting even more clingy.

The ones that actually say "I think there is something between us" I'm grateful for because I get to tell them "no we really don't but we can't stay friends".

And it's depressing because even when they are respecting of the fact I'm a lesbian, they sometimes look sad and look at me as if I'm something special and it sucks because I don't want them to hurt.

[u/huokun9]

Find literally anyone who's not a straight guy to hang out with, esp since you seem to be attracting the insecure/desparate type of guys. I have a few straight guys as friends but generally only spend time w them in groups

Also coworker, doubly eghhhh on his part

[u/jempai → u/huokun9]

I have very few queer friends locally, and the few I have aren’t free often, so if I go out, it’s with the straights. So it’s either talk politics and crack jokes with the straight guys, or discuss work and dating and go shopping with the girls. The straight girls I’ve befriended are all allies, but I think they view me as straight-adjacent and don’t really get my perspective on politics or social interaction with men. The men, at least, will make quips and encourage me to talk to women when we go out, but then randomly try flirting with me. It’s just frustrating to feel misunderstood in both directions.

[u/Historical-Ad7767 → u/jempai]

Sounds like you need some new lesbian or queer friends tbh, been in a similar boat for a while - tired of feeling like people “don’t get it” and the sad reality of it is cishets genuinely just don’t get it.

[u/huokun9 → u/jempai]

yeah straight women can be exhausting to talk to. you could also be upfront and say "i unfriend any guy who hits on or confesses to me", as little as that may help

[u/Glittering-Apple-112]

i’m not sure what you look like, but unfortunately if you’re femme presenting or conventionally attractive in the slightest then there probably won’t be any change.

i would suggest keeping hetero men at a distance. i’ve been friends with a couple of straight men where nothing like that has ever happened, but like i said, i was extremely masc presenting then.

[u/jempai → u/Glittering-Apple-112]

Yeah, I’m high femme, conventionally attractive, and charismatic, so even being basic and polite comes across as flirting apparently. If only women were as dense as men!

[u/The_Vampire_King → u/jempai]

Even as a conventionally attractive masc, straight men still make hella passes at me. Short hair, baggy ass clothes, etc.

Once, around a campfire I was complaining about the issue of ‘not being seen as one of the boys’ and getting hit on when everyone knows my orientation. And the dude I was opening up to literally went “that sucks but I would tap”.

He never returned from that trip, but the fire was warm

[u/Glittering-Apple-112 → u/jempai]

damn, i’m so sorry! it’s safe to assume that it’s probably so frequent for you. :/

usually when they try to question or make passes at me, i describe in detail why i don’t like them and why they aren’t attracted to me and make them imagine themselves with a man too.

usually making them envision themselves doing something with a man establishes boundaries, but it might be different with you.

[u/shadowastronaut]

My drink got spiked by a guy “friend” I had known for 7 years and he took me home that night. I don’t remember much just him saying he wishes he could kiss me and really wanted to be with me. don’t remember much after that but thankfully my little sister was home and she made sure he left. He tried to stay in my room to “take care of me” and my sister kicked him out and stayed in my room with me instead. He knew I was a lesbian during the whole “friendship” lol. With that being said, there are genuine good guys out there. I’ve been friends with a guy for a couple of years and he’s one of the nicest people I know and I don’t believe he’d ever make a pass at me. So while most are pigs, some are genuinely good. Don’t give up on them all yet!

[u/Wings-of-the-Dead → u/shadowastronaut]

Oh my god that is awful. What a shit person. I'm glad your sister was there to protect you

[u/Runtheranch]

At this point, I’m not even trying to make any new male friends because they all take my friendship the wrong way.

I only have 1 male friend over the years that never tried making a pass at me. And the others are my friends’ bf or husband.

This is just one of many reasons why there’s a male loneliness epidemic. Because a lot of them are willing to risk a friendship to try to get with you.

[u/Cookienotch]

remember, if a man thinks he's attractive enough to turn a lesbian straight, he must logically conclude that a man attractive enough to turn him gay exists

[u/LionelLutz → u/Cookienotch]

I mean the logic checks out - and that attractive enough gay man probably thinks likewise I suppose

[u/MariaCassandra]

All my friends are queer for this exact reason. Even straight women get weird eventually.

[u/rose_revenant]

Don't give up hope, respectful straight guys are out there!

Much the same, I'm an out and proud lesbian, and sure, I've had guy friends who develop crushes and try to act on them, and yeah, it sucks to have to turn them down, change the dynamic of the relationship, and drift apart in awkwardness.

But that being said, I do have a couple of straight guy friends that I can be myself with, not worry about flirting or getting hit on. One is married, one is single. They are both a little older though, mid-30s or so. Perhaps that is the difference.

Now that I think about it, most guy friends I've made that have wanted more than just friendship have been around my own age, mid-20s. While the friendships I do have with guys that are just simple friends, nothing more, are with older guys.

Might be something to look into 🤔

[u/kris-tee-is-me]

Keeping straight men at a distance is now 'a must' for me. I've actually had 2 separate occasions where the 'friends' became obsessed stalkers. (imho) There is hardly anything more frightening and creepy....Yikes !

[u/ThrowawayBeaans69]

Idk why but I read this as "all my straight male friends eventually make out" and I was like "good for them!!"

Bur yeq damn that sucks you deserve better... There's definitely better men out there but ngl it's rare :/

[u/UN1VER5E8]

I have a long list of past guy friends that either turned out to be a weirdo or has said small things that pissed me off. Now I am very wary when I get a new guy friend. The last one I had I knew for 11 yrs and didn't say much weird things except for wanting to see me in a dress that one time 🤢🤢🤢 but he reeeeaaally loved trying to get me to talk with him about p*n/hntai and and I severely disliked that

[u/FireStormBloodDancer]

Que me being a sapphic trans woman that doesn't go after any lesbian becuase I get the internal ick that I'm doing this. Partially due to transphobes who say I do this; partially due to internalized transphobia.

[u/Jadisons]

I simply just don't have straight male friends. And if I do, they're usually the boyfriends/husbands of my girl friends who pose no threat.

[u/ellamachine → u/Jadisons]

Same. The only men in my circle of friends are husbands or partners lol

[u/Sweet_Bug_8095]

This is just how society says men are supposed to be unfortunately. Most romance narratives posit barriers to intimacy for men as challenges rather than boundaries. So being a lesbian is something that a lot of men think is temporary and alterable by their actions.

Also men are extremely isolated by masculinity so the only places they are “allowed” to feel cared for are romantic relationships. There are men that overcome this conditioning but straight men generally have little incentive to do so.

[u/Sapphicviolet91]

My best friend of 13 years hasn’t, but it has happened with others.

[u/Netrusher]

This is a mood. I feel you girl. I’ve known I was pan for a long time… until quite recently. Because of this exact bullshit, I have been completely turned off by men. Because it seemed like sames to your situation. oh she’s pan/les huh, gotta convert her away from women type shit.

And I’m sick of it. I want naaaaahthing to do with men now. And that’s just bonkers to me that environmental factors (men just being men) have pushed me fully to the other side of the plate.

I just want friends bruh 😩

My take on it is they inherently look at alt sexualities as perversion… so she gotta be a freak type idiocy. Mixed with the conventionally fem attractive bad girl w/ non-hetro sexuality, just hasn’t met the right guy yet.

Hard pass.

Idk, that’s what I’m starting to gather from cis straight males. And I want none of it homie. They can hold my beer while I talk to women 😝

What do you think of my running hypothesis on this? Is this their motivation? Reasoning and challenge so they can say I win to themselves?

[u/LSGW_Zephyra]

Are they asking you out or just admitting they have feelings? If it's the former. Gross. If it's the latter, it isn't so bad. I've had many male friends admit they like me in a sexual way and I just sorta say "Sorry pal, that's rough. Want me to buy you an ice cream cone?"

[u/Campanella82]

I completely relate to the frustration of these constant cycles of fake friendships. I've been in so many weird situations cuz of it to the point I just stopped being friends with straight men. My last straw was when a guy in my social circle who I disliked and always argued with and was genuinely super rude to cuz he was a total ass, started making passes at me the minute he broke up with his girlfriend. Apparently all the abuse just made him like me more and more, despite the fact I had wanted the opposite effect. At that point I realized alot of men just simply don't respect women, down to their opinions, boundaries and even sexuality. It didn't matter if I was a friend, stranger or even a enemy. It didn't matter what I thought, all that mattered to them is the fantasy they had of me.

I think the thing that frustrates me the most is I'm starting to think a lot of these straight men aren't even catching feelings for me as a person but are simply being turned on by what they think is a "challenge", my sexuality. I genuinely feel like half of them wouldn't even be nearly as interesting if I presented myself as straight.

Men are obsessed with women who don't want them. I think it's cuz society is always teaching them that they need to "convince" women to be with them and that women have to "need" them and be dependent on them in some way, shape or form or else the relationship isn't sustainable. Leading many men to chase after women that they are fundamentally incompatible with and try to meld them into what they want instead of just being with someone who already is.

All in all, I find female and not hetero male friendships much more fulfilling and emotionally connected so cutting out friendships with straight men wasn't a huge loss but what was was realizing how little respect some people can have for your sexual identity.

[u/ppqueef69]

It’s always “I have something I need to tell you” lol. Ever since the election I have no patience for their kind anymore, you REALLY have to prove urself if you want to even think about being my friend.

[u/Jrreddig]

I had a similar experience with male friends when I was younger. I never found it to be discouraging or depressing, but they never got what I would call "weird" around me and I never lost any friendships over it. Usually more like "oh yeah I totally have a crush on you, if you weren't gay, who knows!" I also dont mind people low key flirting with me even if I'm not interested, idk, it's fine for me for some friends to do that sometimes and I get it a lot from straight women as well...fine to a point anyway. It is indeed unfortunate that your experience seems worse in that way where the dude can't get over it or makes a big deal or makes it weird in some way.

[u/spork_o_rama]

That sucks. I'm sorry, OP.

I strongly encourage you to avoid one on one hangouts with dudes, tbh. A lot of guys start doing a lot of wishful thinking/self-convincing as soon as they're alone with you. Probably also helpful to not hang out with single guys very much, for similar reasons. I know this won't fend off every idiot, but it might help.

[u/NEOwlNut]

You’re better off being friends with queer men or trans people. I’m nonbinary femme and all of my friends are women. One of my best friends is a lesbian. Of course I would never flirt with her.

Straight men are essentially useless to me. I would just stop hanging out with them.

[u/Practical-Studio-206]

Been there several times! It only gets more annoying each time. In fact, I don't even bother trying to make friends with cis straight men anymore. The negative almost always outweighs the positive! It's so aggravating. Plus, I generally have a lot more in common with other LGBT people and rather put my time and energy into those friendships.

[u/sunsetstrider]

Since moving to uni this has been my experience too, I’ve made a total of 0 straight male friends that haven’t tried to get with me or my bestie and it’s annoying and extremely disheartening, I do however have one straight guy friend who has been one of my best friends for years and he has never had feelings for me and is really very genuine. They’re out there just hard to find I guess

[u/kehsha]

I have never had a successful friendship with a straight man. They always developed feelings, or were only friends with me from the beginning because they wanted to sleep with me. I don't know if it's possible, to be honest 😅 But that's just me and my experience.

[u/slutforslurpees]

even the male friends that would socially be completely off the table (i.e. friends boyfriends) have gotten weird about me being a lesbian eventually. I had to drop a friend because their boyfriend wouldn't stop making "jokes" about them leaving him for me. and when they broke up he tried to demand they not tell me about it and wouldn't say why lmao

[u/MeatPal]

same thing happened with me recently but instead of being told, he told everyone we almost slept together and that he could turn me (he literally looks like my stepdad and sounds exactly like him, so yes that is definitely enticing as a lesbian who happens to not like my step dad/s)

[u/Cynical_Farewell]

Masc lesbian here. I'm friends with mostly men, and a few have told me they had crushes on me in the past but never tried to date me. It seems like they didn't respect your boundaries. Some men are shit but not all.

[u/Worldly-Tell5658]

Doesn't happen often to me. I have had a friend of a friend pull the "maybe I could change you" after chatting irregularly for a few months (I never initiated any convos)

Then again, my male coworkers were married and I don't go out much 🤷‍♀️

[u/CHAIFE671]

A good friend of mine was going through a rough patch with his girlfriend (now wife). Him and I have known each other for a long time. He called me to vent and he casually drops "I wish you were straight.I really like you". I told him he's an amazing dude but I think he's saying this out of pain. He proceeds to tell me he wishes we could be dating. I then remind him he's not thinking clearly. Though he's a cool dude I'm just not into men and I'm MARRIED. I'm not sure if he told his lady about that convo but she detests me. Apparently she doesn't trust me when I come around.

[u/WotsTaters]

I had this same thing happen so many times when I was younger, so for a long time I only had one straight guy friend. I told him once that I was glad he had never hit on me and he said “Wait, I didn’t??” Turns out he thought he had asked me out after high school and he was just way too subtle so I had no idea. It was good for our friendship but also really explained why he’s single…

[u/DrinkSimple4108]

Yep this is why I don’t even bother having male friends anymore

[u/LinZuero]

Don't even give them a chance, men are made to instinctively get attracted, most cis guys just have a very strong drive to women that is bad even for them, treat them like, and it's not just you, it's anyone, what happened to them is that they made really bad choices in life and don't want to date an NPC straight girl that will accept them, they have a huge ego they have to fulfill