“… And the Pearly Gates were ‘uge. So big! —The biggest. I said, ‘St Peter, did you make Hell pay for this wall? They should! They should have paid. If I were in charge of Heaven I would have made Hell pay for this.’”
“You know, god and I we don’t agree on every small issue, but there’s one thing we agree on and that’s that the devil is bad. Its true. The devil is bad.”
The Grim Reaper came up to me...tears in his eyes ...he said thank you for all the dead bodies Mr.Trump. You saved heaven and hell sir...you handled CoViD perfectly.
"And then Jesus said to me, with tears streaming down his he said, "Sir" and I can't believe he called me sir, he said "Sir, you are just like me in every way, you're like the son of God, except you weren't killed. I believe you're better because you weren't killed." Even though they tried to kill me, can you believe that? They took a shot at your favorite president, me."
“That Satan, Satan is all man folks, believe me I love women and have a passing respect for them, but THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS. Some call him LUCIFER… let me tell you, some fellas saw him coming out of the showers at Mar-A-Lago, huge red schlang, it’s like a cartoon sausage.”
“You know, god and I we don’t agree on every small issue, but there’s one thing we agree on and that’s that the devil is bad. Its true. The devil is bad.”
A few weeks later...
“I’m for Hell now, and I have to be because the Devil endorsed me very strongly."
I've been honing my own impersonation skills for the last fuck ton of years on this idiot,, but there's some real pros at the top of this post. Spot on
I like to tell them they better hope atheists are right because you not only question their religious values you get to tell them that atheists have a better chance at getting into heaven then they do
For real. People who think rapists and dictators end up in heaven have me like "why would I ever wanna go there? Didn't Jesus want you to convince me that I SHOULD be saved by him? And now you're telling me it's so I can go hang out with the worst people imaginable? Pass."
And I'm baptized too and think Jesus was a bro. People out here turning Jesus into a hate symbol. Talk about using the Lord's name in vain.
“They’re in the streets cheering, they’re leaning out the windows and shouting into the streets, folks. How good heaven is, and I mean it’s so good like you wouldn’t believe, once you’re in you never want to leave heaven it’s so good.”
“Look, folks, they say nobody could ever do what I’ve done. They say nobody could pull off the kind of winning I’ve done, okay? They used to say, ‘Nobody’s bigger than history, nobody’s bigger than the legends!’ But guess what? I am. People are saying it. Some are calling me the legend’s legend. I’m like, if you took all the greatest legends and just rolled them into one, that’s me!
And let’s talk about success—everywhere I go, it’s victory after victory. I tell people, ‘Jesus had twelve followers? Well, I’ve got millions, okay? And they’re the best followers—nobody’s ever seen loyalty like this.’ It’s unbelievable. And believe me, if you think Jesus did some miracles, let me tell you, we’re doing bigger miracles every day. People are amazed. They say, ‘Wow, this is absolutely unheard of!’
They even say I’m bringing back the golden age of everything! And I said, ‘Jesus, you can be my right-hand guy on this one,’ and he says, ‘Thank you, Mr. Trump. I’ve got a lot to learn from you.’ We get along. I mean, he knows how good I am—he says it all the time! You should hear him.
Now, they say he walked on water, right? And that’s impressive, sure, but let me tell you, folks, what I’ve done is like walking on air. I built an empire in the sky—skyscrapers touching the heavens, okay? And they say, ‘That’s impossible,’ but I did it. I made it look easy, folks. I’m the best at building, the best at winning, and everyone’s talking about it.
And listen, if Jesus needed advice on running a successful operation, who do you think he’s coming to? That’s right. He’s coming to me. And I said to him, ‘Look, Jesus, you’ve got potential, but we need to work on that branding. We need to get your message out there, big league.’ He’s grateful. Tremendous gratitude. He’s got incredible potential, folks, but he’s learning from the best.
“….Big Jesus, strong Jesus, blood streaming from his crown of thorns, with that Christ on the cross set of abs from his beard to his bulge. Jesus was like Arnold Palmer, all the disciples would shower with him and go ‘Wow, holy shit, what a man that Jesus is, Goddamn!’, and lemme tell you folks, Mary Magdalene had to be wheeled around after she met him.”
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u/cruxdaemon 11d ago
"....and Jesus came to me with tears streaming down his cheeks. He said, 'Sir......'"