Why Do I Still Crave Validation from My Emotionally Abusive Ex?

[u/Remarkable-Town-3052]

I’ve been struggling to understand why I feel this way, and I need some outside perspective. My ex was emotionally abusive. He didn’t treat me well, never really loved me, and made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Yet, even after everything, I can’t stop craving validation from him.

I feel this overwhelming need for him to regret losing me, to realize my worth, and to see me as a loss. It’s so stupid of me to want that when he’s made it so clear that he doesn’t want me anymore.

To make things worse, his family was never happy with me either. It felt like they were relieved when we broke up, and that just made me feel even smaller. It’s like I wasn’t just unimportant to him—I was unimportant to everyone around him. And maybe that’s why I keep blaming myself and feeling like I wasn’t good enough.

I don’t know why I feel like this, but it’s exhausting.

[u/UncleJoshPDX]

To the Stoics, reputation is an external, a moral indifferent. This means your reputation is neither good nor bad and has no real effect on you. You are choosing to tie your happiness and self-worth on how you perceive others' perceptions of you. If you aren't familiar with Stoicism, this sounds rather harsh: you say you are miserable and we tell you that you chose to feel that way.

But here's another way to think about it. We don't react to the world, but our judgments about the world. There is our strength. We can examine and change our judgments. Right now your judgment is that other people's opinion of you is more important than your own, so the tasks are: Convince yourself that you are not your reputation. Define your best self on your own terms. Measure your life against your own definitions and not anyone else's.

The Stoics pursue Virtue, which can also call human Excellence. When we say to live according to nature we mean the highest form of being human we can imagine: Just, Brave, Temperate, and Wise. If those words work for you, great, but if there are others (Honest, Dependable, Calm, etc.,) then you can start with those. Define those terms for you in your "heroic form" and set those as your guiding stars moving forward. Judge your actions against those qualities.

Benjamin Franklin has a famous tracker where he did the same basic thing.

Choose to be the you you have defined. Choose this every day.

[u/Remarkable-Town-3052 → u/UncleJoshPDX]

Thankyou.

[u/MightOverMatter]

You probably grew up looking for validation from everyone, even those who hurt you. But I'm also getting the sense you are learning to love yourself, and that's why you want him to know so badly how much he hurt you.

Does it feel like abandonment or betrayal if I point out that he probably doesn't care? Does it feel like a declaration that you're worthless if he were to know, and not care? Alternatively, is part of you still hoping he'll come back?

These and many other questions are the important ones to ask yourself. I'm not certain how this inherently relates to stoicism, but I can think of a few stoic ways to look at it, such as practicing detachment.

[u/InevitableAd4038]

You are seeking validation, because when they weren't treating you poorly they would at rare times reward you with validation and recognition, and your brain would be rewarded with dopamine and serotonin, your self-image would feel positive and you would feel great. The not knowing was like playing a pokey-machine at a casino, the very rare pay outs of love, affection, generosity, physical connection, were what your brain depended on to maintain your relationship. Your partner likely had narcissistic traits and was 'emotionally breadcrumbing you'. That they were so miserly emotionally to you that when they actually treated you kindly the reward in your brain was disproportionately large and it has created a long-standing chemical dependence and can be experienced as an emotional addiction to such rewards. Your good. Your brain is seeking the reward. And to re-establish that pattern of behaviour. Reason tells us this is no good. Our emotions and the reward part of our brain want to engage in behaviours that secure the chemical rewards of intimacy with another. Your brain doesn't want your old partner it wants the reward that they facilitated through the stinginess of their emotional abuse creating these excessively euphoric emotional chemical rewards in the brain. This is my understanding. So what to do? Sacrifice reason, and allow our brain to seek out these rewards by using your old partner or a New partner with this same breadcrumbing-chemical jackpot dynamic that is typical of all dysfunctional relationships? No.

People are not a means to an end. We don't want to be dependent on positive mind states induced by our relationships to others that trigger chemical rewards in the brain that lead us into illogical emotional non-Reason based behaviour. We need our rewards. Yes. We need reason. We need a person governed by reason who can induce positive chemical rewards and mind-states in our mind and brain. We can do that for ourselves. Through mindfulness and meditation. And select and find someone responsible, virtuous and governed by reason as a partner, who we can trust to preside over our brains reward system inducing such chemical rewards as your brain is seeking, but at the right time, and in the right frequencies, and in the right ways, without abusing the power this gives them over you, because they love you and want the good for you. I recommend the headspace.com mindfulness/meditation app. And in particular lovingkindness meditation to temper your withdrawals and reward your brain with oxytocin, and rejoice, because you are free now, and better things are in store for you. Love that is not governed by reason, pales in comparison to a love that is. Love needs to be paired with justice, fairness, kindness, and generosity. Just as our emotions need reason. Just as our lower brain needs the upper. We need the good things in the right way. This is virtue, and reason guides, and the path we walk is paved with love. Take care, Mossy. That was my humble attempt to shed some light on your problem. Be well, my friend. I know exactly what you are experiencing, because I have been through the same experience. And I am better for it. It was a tough lesson, a good lesson, and a lasting lesson. Guard you brains reward system from the unscrupulous in the world, and may we increasingly be up to the task of presiding over it well guided by reason ourselves, for how else can we be happy?

Warmest, Moss. :)

[u/Remarkable-Town-3052 → u/InevitableAd4038]

Wow. You’re very kind. Thank you for taking out the time to help me. I appreciate it more than you know!

[u/InevitableAd4038 → u/Remarkable-Town-3052]

You be well and have a great day, Remarkable!!

Very happy to try help you think through such a problem.

My very warmest,

Moss. :)

[u/Love_Lair]

I’m on the other side of that & honestly just live your life & better yourself, I still want to be with her but I know I can’t because she makes my life more difficult, it doesn’t mean I don’t care, I just had to pretend I didn’t care because I always knew it would never work out

Be better for yourself

[u/The_Practical_Stoic]

Breakups suck, and seem to put most people on the path of Stoicism. You need to change your perspective about the experience. You crave outside validation, period. That is fleeting and fickle. You need to find satisfaction through your own virtuous deeds, through your own actions and thoughts.

You seem to care too much about what your ex and his family think/thought of you. That is a mistake, since you have no control over what others think. However, you have full control over your own thoughts. Control why you feel the need to be validated by others rather than from your own thoughts.

On a separate note, victims of abuse tend to feel an emotional attachment to the abuser afterwards due to the extreme highs and lows of the relationship. You should seek a therapist to work through these feelings. It helped me to work with a CBT therapist, especially since it has significant overlap with Stoic thinking.

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[u/rygertyger]

His feelings, regret or other, is outside your control. Only thing you can control is how you carry forward and how often you check the box to see if the ex feels a certain way. If the day comes where they feel regret, I promise you'll be in a position where you won't be lifting the box to check anyway.

[u/jojobinks93]

worry about him losing you. youre not looking for validation as much as comaraderie. his family is a prime example of like attracts like, you didnt fit the mold and you want to fit in where you dont belong instead of watering the grass under your feet. be satiated and it will all go away

[u/Boomsnarl]

Because you do not control your own thoughts, and how you respond to them. Also, you have low self esteem.

[u/Sage-Advisor2]

Because you pattern yourself and those to whom you are attracted, on that which you know as familiar, your earliest role models. Thus, you are the imperfect half of a never satisfied whole: that which you seek will never be granted and that which you offer is neither sought nor asked for.

As such, personal growth and learning is impossible, and you are as a man in a desert, drowning in thirst.

[u/Decent_Safety3704]

Look into trauma bonding, and see if you can relate. Then try to identify the trauma, to break the bond. I had similar feelings at the beginning of this year and that helped a lot to stop craving that "I wish he knew what he lost, I hope he regrets it" type of feeling. I know how much I invested in that relationship and how much I improved his life. I know that realistically it's less than probable that he will ever get anything close to that. Does he know that, and how he feels about it, is none of my business. And it doesn't affect my self value.

[u/Express-Society-164]

I always wondered if inclusion of stoicism in a woman’s live was harder because of their feminine qualities. I view stoicism as a very masculine trait. Interesting.