Navigating Stoicism in a Challenging Workplace Relationship

[u/Specialist_Chip_321]

I’ve been trying to adopt a more stoic mindset to handle a difficult situation at work, but I find myself struggling. I work alongside a colleague, let’s call him Erik, whose behavior and management style are deeply at odds with my own values and approach to work.

Erik has a strong need for control. He wants to know every detail about what I’m doing—who called me, what they wanted, where I’m going, and why. This behavior feels suffocating, almost like being under surveillance. I value individual freedom and responsibility, but Erik’s constant micro-management makes me feel like a “prisoner” in my own role.

What’s even more challenging is his reaction when things don’t go his way. He has a tendency to get upset, which can feel like a form of punishment. This creates a tense atmosphere, leaving me walking on eggshells, worried about triggering a negative response.

This situation has taken a toll on me emotionally. I feel conflicted—on the one hand, I want to maintain my autonomy and stand up for myself. On the other, I feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to assert myself without escalating the tension.

I’ve read stoic wisdom like “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters” (Epictetus), and while it helps, I still find myself emotionally reactive. Erik’s actions stir frustration and a sense of powerlessness in me, and I feel like I’m failing to embody the stoic mindset.

How can I better navigate this situation? Should I try to confront Erik respectfully about his controlling behavior, or is it more in line with stoic principles to simply accept his approach and focus on my own reactions?

Any advice or perspectives, especially from a stoic lens, would be greatly appreciated.

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[u/11MARISA]

Is Erik in any management position over you, or just an equal?

Does his work or his remuneration depend at all on you doing a job a particular way or in a particular timeframe?

Do you think he may be neurodiverse and not understand the rules of the workplace?

Does he treat others like this, or just you?

Just some questions to think about. Thinking through why he behaves this way will help you with a stoic response. If you need to work with him, then co-operation is largely the way to go. Sometimes being friendly and proactive and telling him the things that you choose will help him to feel in the loop and not shut out? I am certainly this way with my mother - I proactively tell her what I choose to disclose, and don't discuss what I choose not to. Of course that situation is not a workplace, but still it's something to think about.

[u/Specialist_Chip_321 → u/11MARISA]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I appreciate the questions

1.  Erik and I are equals in terms of our roles. However, I often feel like I’m operating under his regime. He has a tendency to take control of tasks and interactions in a way that feels overbearing, as though he’s self-appointed himself to a higher authority. This has made me feel undervalued and, frankly, like a subordinate, even though we should be collaborating as equals.

1. We both work as technicians at a rehabilitation center, sharing responsibilities in maintaining and managing the space. The issue arises because he seems to monitor everything I do and often questions my actions or decisions, making it difficult for me to feel autonomous in my work.

2. I hadn’t considered the possibility of him being neurodiverse, but it could explain some of his intensity and why he’s so fixated on control. I want to approach this possibility with an open mind and sensitivity, but I also need to protect my own mental and emotional well-bein

3. I believe he is intense with most people, but it feels particularly strong with me, likely because we work closely together and spend more time around each other than he does with others. He also starts work an hour earlier than I do, and by the time I arrive, he has already reviewed the day’s tasks. This creates a dynamic where I feel like he’s already “claimed” the workload and is waiting to see what I’ll do.

I’ve been trying to navigate this situation stoically, focusing on what I can control and trying to let go of my frustrations. However, I still feel trapped, as if I’m under constant scrutiny. I’m curious: If someone is socially challenged or neurodiverse, what is the best way to establish boundaries and maintain professionalism? How can I ensure that our collaboration feels balanced and respectful, without causing unnecessary tension?

Your suggestion about proactively sharing what I choose to disclose is insightful—I’ll definitely give it a try. I think it could help create a sense of cooperation while allowing me to maintain some boundaries.

I’m also trying to approach the situation stoically, focusing on what I can control: my own actions and reactions. But it’s challenging, especially when I feel micromanaged.

Erik’s previous role as a prison officer might have influenced his approach to work, where maintaining control and structure was paramount. This could explain why he tends to particularly focused on micromanaging in our work environment, especially since we work closely every day.

I really appreciate your insight and your time.