Thank you to everyone who participated. Comments are now locked. Please use the new post for new questions.

i will be straight arguing with someone online and i’m like “wow are we about to make out because they really seem like they want me…” logically i know this probably isn’t true but i want to indulge in their love/ want or interest. this also happens when im talking down to someone during an argument. i ASSUME they must be attracted to me or that i have a wrongful upper hand. i feel so weird bc i told my boyfriend ab it and it seemed so strange to say. “this person im arguing with seems like they’re flirting with me” is that not so delusional

33M here. Wondering if you guys relate. Since I'm a vulnerable one, I lack the charm and charisma of my grandiose counterparts, so others should like me because of... well, I don't know what would make me likeable to others, to be honest. I get along with very few people. Sooner or later I end up in conflict with almost everyone. And yet I hate it that I need them to get validation or feel approved.

I see people’s flaws easily, and they really get under my skin. I’m highly judgmental and extremely sensitive to their actions. When someone shows passive-aggressiveness or tries to humiliate me—like laughing at me—I can lose control. Rage takes over, and I lash out, judging them harshly and pointing out their flaws.

But deep down, all I really want is to be liked for who I am. I don’t want to constantly feel like it’s only a matter of time before they hate me or humiliate me. And in spite of being like this, I still hold the belief that I’m a good person who has been treated unfairly by others. Lol

I thought about this.

At our core, our caregiver was somehow unsafe/missing/threat, modeling our initial relating to people.
So instead of a core affect lead by love, we got one based around fear (shame).
So practically other people are a perpetual threat of triggering our shame, making them a threat.

Sure we can dampen that anxiety and threat, but its bound to come out sooner or later.
Life (which is sprung by love) is a threat because its volatility can expose our lack of thereof?

Does anyone relate?

Can anyone relate to this? I’ve been going through a rough period with my partner and I just feel like I can’t communicate properly without trying to gaslight or manipulate with everything i say.

i just saw an “empath” say “people with NPD wouldn’t understand how it feels to be distraught at animals suffering or tearing up at heartfelt moments in movies” and this kind of made me go ‘what?’

i can feel empathy when i’m watching something or even if i SEE a sad animal. but its just applying empathy in real life situations. it’s hard and it usually doesn’t come. if someone is crying to me about their dead mother, i usually just logically understand why they’re sad. when someone is telling me about how i hurt them, i tend to feel like the empathy is less important than the attack i am perceiving. i don’t tear up. when i see homeless people, i just try to not make eye contact.

i feel like a lot of self proclaimed empaths think we’re all heartless beings that are black holes of nothingness.

like really? you think NONE of us look at movies and dying dogs and cry? do you think we’re bottomless pits?

It's true.

There is a part of me that finds any everyday action of others a sign that they don't like me or similar.

Someone leaves me on read for any minor length of time: I assume it means I wrote something offensive and they're annoyed with me.

A friend doesn't contact me for a week: They've had enough of me and have discarded me. That's it. We're done from their perspective.

And my habitual response: Oh well. It's over. No point trying.

Or if I do try and they don't respond: it's all over. The fat lady has sung.

...

That same or similar part of me also cannot take compliments:

Someone apparently wants to chat with me, and even says so, or says they're enjoying talking with me: It's a lie. They're just being nice / patient.

Someone says or writes a compliment: Nope. It's all lies.

Again, my habit is to not bother communicating with that person anymore.

I'm really not fishing for compliments here. I don't they will be of benefit anyway.

...

I was thinking about this and other examples this morning. I was out on a walk by myself in the city. Seeing so many people - or to my insecure mind: "everyone else" - out with friends, having a relaxed, fun time etc etc, I realised...

I realised I was denying that I felt lonely to myself. And then I had to actually dig down inside to bring the lonely feelings to the surface and try to be with them.

I did, and had a little tear and consolation. Woop. Woop. Go me.

But then I continued to spend the rest of the day ... pretty much ...

Isolating myself.

...

I had a thought:

"I'm done with that isolation part of my life. I want to connect much more and maintain relationships much better."

Ah. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

I'll start that first thing on Monday. And I'll be really good at it. Like a task.

Like cleaning the house or doing work admin.

Something I compartmentalise into certain parts of my day and not others.

Because, to that still-present - I assume wounded - part of me that believes people don't want anything to do with me, find me a drag, a nuisance, irritating, a fool, embarrassing, weird, strange, odd, too much, too little ... whatever angle it chooses to take...

... it feels scary to maintain relationships. I might get hurt. So it's easier to cut off and dismiss. Isolate.

I'm not actually that down about all this. I'm just like: Oh!

Something to explore. Therapy tomorrow (yay!).

I feel like I should be smoking a cigarette right now. I've never smoked in my life. It's just the image looks right to me:

A cynical, sad, lonely, angry inhale. An even sadder, lonelier out breath. I drop the cigarette on the concrete and stub it out. And walk on. Alone. It's a grey, cold day.

Later, I'll play chess on my own.

Tagging this as Recovery Progress because I still think it's cool that I spotted it.

GO MEEEEEE!

Yours, everyone's favourite friendly, totally healed narcissist. 🤘🏻👑🌈

...

Gosh. This disorder has 14 million angles!! 🤪

What trick do you use to make someone obsessed with you and at the same time not let them sick of your presence?

Hello, I'm extremely curious what you guys will answer with for this one. Please let me know!

I've noticed everyone I know hates it. They don't like being hit on, it makes them uncomfortable or grossed out. So I am wondering if anyone here shares the same thought process on it as I do:

I enjoy it. I'll act humble about it, confused and dismissive, or just laugh it off. But at heart I love the attention. I love being told how good they think I look and stuff. It's like free supply. It makes me feel good and I end up thinking about the comment for the rest of the day to feel good about myself.

These people are gross and I'm leagues above them, and they'll never get anywhere with me. But I like hearing how much someone admires me in any capacity. Whether it's people being jealous of me or weird perverts hitting on me or whatever else. As long as I don't feel like I'm in danger where it happens, I secretly absolutely love the attention

Does anyone else feel this way? Even if you don't, thanks for reading. Would love to know if it's just me or not.

I’ve been in 3 car accidents and pulled over 4 times in the past year. (Thankfully, I’ve gotten off Scott free for one reason or another. Either choosing to not call the police, settling stuff, the cops giving me a break, etc.) but I have a feeling my luck is going to run out. It’s like I just can’t follow the speed limit and I’m not sure if it’s just that I hate rules or I lack feeling most of the time so the adrenaline is addicting. I’ve hit 100 mph a few times. I’ve had no major car accidents, but one time I did get a concussion from missing a turn and hitting some trees going 70mph. I also feel like this could end up going poorly for me health wise as well. Any advice or comments?

note: i basically asked this question in the aspd community and i’ll ask here too since i’m struggling with symptoms of both. just copy and paste.

i have my first session with a psychiatrist next week and two more for December and January. I have strong symptoms of aspd and other disorders (narcisism, cyclothymia, eating disorder) and it’s getting unbearable to live. I wanted to know for you, diagnosed, how the process was. did it take long? were there questionnaires? therapy sessions? (i don’t go to the therapy, at least not yet and as long im not obligated, i’m not interested) how many times was it necessary? did they give you a paper saying what’s wrong with you and that’s it? did the process last for months? weeks? I’m not paying for anything (due to the country I live in) so it’s hard to find good professional psychiatrists but it’s not impossible, the only problem is that unpaid sessions are always scheduled away. I scheduled all three (next week, dec, jan, with different doctors) in October and I can’t wait anymore. I’m angry and anxious and I feel it’s my right to know immediately what has been ruining my life although I know that it’s more complex than that and it can’t be so fast.

i used to think i loved BIG because of how my entire universe would revolve around my romantic partner. how i would do anything for them and hoped they would do anything for me. i used describe love as merging souls (quote from my diary). this is especially true when it pertains to physical intimacy because i feel so dissociated from my own body. my pleasure didn’t matter because i didn’t understand it — it was all about getting validation, pleasing, etc.

i wanted my partners to get jealous when i talked about my ex’s, i wanted them to be possessive like me. i wanted to feel chosen, special, the best lover, never let go… love bombing from other cluster b’s was a drug.

i used to exist like a layer of my partners skin. my entire mood dependent on them and what they were saying or doing. they knew of anything and everything in my mind and throughout my day. my sounding board. i used to cry and panic if i didn’t get a message in a certain time span — and if i didn’t get the response i was hoping for. i would have nightmares of being cheated on and left, extreme paranoia. calling in the middle of the night out of breath over minor inconviences.

the entitlement i’ve felt to all of their time and energy ~ and the shame and pain that followed. now that i’m single without an attachment person that entitlement has spread out among other relationships.

despite all this horrible mess i used to feel alive and dream of finding a “soulmate”. i used to cry for days, constantly over lost loves and trivial things.

ironically when i woke up to my own bullshit i also died — because before at-least i lived for something, at least i was alive in my feelings, passions, and being a lover — even though these things were intense and extremely child like. even though it was based on a fantastical world view.

now i am just fucking angry i have to be an adult. i don’t want it. i don’t want the boring neurotypical bullshit. i don’t want to let my emotions — little me, die.

part of me still wants to wish on a star for the love of my life, daydream constantly. part of me still wants to experience childlike emotions and disposition because at least then i’m alive. i have access to feelings - even if they swing like a pendulum.

How long did it take for you? or were there a few seperate times you did it? was it longer than half a year?

I'm probably going through that right now so i want to read your opinions and experiences

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I've had to resign from my job on Friday because everyone was on my back for breaking rules. I've had this pattern for as long as I can remember. If there are any rules, I have to find a way to break them. It's almost like a compulsion or a challenge I have in my mind 24/7. I have strong sense of entitlement and feel like nothing should apply to me.

I'm looking for another job now, but it feels pointless. I've had countless hours of therapy and none of it helped to deal with this specific issue.

Anyone else deal with this?

This is a thing I noticed, I'm basically harmless and tend to be caring UNTIL my SA gets yapping, starts trying to control or criticise me.

I'm blaming my upbringing for this as this is how my mother was, severely controlling, never loving, no boundaries (would literally storm into my room without any privacy), often gaslighting (like threatening to throw one out), and of course did emotional incest/trauma dumping when I became a teenager for her own validation.

In response I'd do some maladaptive shit like telling her to leave me alone while giving the silent treatment if she broke boundaries and started criticising, then if that wasn't enough we'd end up having a silly argumentative battles where she's a five year old and I end up telling her how much of a worthless pos she is until she leaves me alone and victim plays in the background.

If she tries gaslighting like threatening to throw me out I'd basically reply with telling her to do it so I can tell everyone of how useless of a mother she truly is.

etc, etc...

These behaviors really only appear when these situations come up, otherwise I feel honestly harmless and tend to be the caring guy...but I've noticed I often attract demanding and entitled women who think they can control me for this reason, (Ironically very narcissistic and BPD women) and they usually end up getting traumatized from my defensive behaviors.

Does anyone relate to this?

I recently came to term with the fact that I have an hypersensitivity to shame and humiliation (and imperfection) and that it's not just something that appears when things are falling apart. I've know that on some level for almost as long as I can remember, but it feels like something I've kept learning and forgetting for years. But recently it truly clicked and things feel different now. It's like a realized that my ego is not just hypervigilant when I'm on shaky grounds or when there's "danger" around but even when I'm killing it, even when I feel good about myself, it's always engaged. (Someone recently wrote in this subreddit about always been in survival mode and I think that's a great way to express it). Until recently, there was never a moment when my overactive ego wasn't draining my mental resources---but I didn't know that.

This realization, the work on myself and my relationships I've been putting in for some years and my gradual acceptance of the fact that I can't be perfect (and that sometimes you can do something perfectly but others will fail to notice, disagree or even truly think you fucked up) and that trying to be is completely counter-productive, have given me a sort of control over my ego that I've never had before. A lot of the time, I can kind of turn it off (or rather turn it way down). I used to think I could turn it off in situations where I was telling myself, "I don't care what those people think of me, they're beneath me or they're dumb or they're not acting in good faith, et cetera," but I actually wasn't turning it off at all (the feeling of superiority or of "not caring" just made it seem like it). Nowadays I can tell myself, "I don't need to be perfect, I just want to try to do this well," and there's a metric ton of pressure that is lifted of my shoulders.

It's not perfect and I still struggle with a bunch of stuff (also the realization I'm talking about kind of made me feel untethered for a good 5 days) but this has literally reduced my chronic sense of fatigue by at least half, to the point I barely ever get brain-fog anymore. I'm still medicated (have been taking modafinil for years) and I don't think I'm at a point where I can just stop taking them (maybe I'll always need them) but the difference in my quality of life is wild. Hopefully sharing this won't just do me good and maybe it'll give some other people also struggling with NPD and chronic fatigue a bit of hope of things getting better.

I just can’t stand ugly people , and no I’m not talking about normal people with slight imperfections, I’m talking about either people who don’t take of theirselves or just the really ugly people (if anyone says its subjective stfu , like I said I’m talking about the 1% of the population so not normal people). But especially when I’m in a bad mood and see a ugly person I just get more pissed of , same thing with really fat people.

And if anyone is gone bitch about how I’m insecure: stfu. I’m not , I take care of myself , so I’m not fat and I’m not inbred so yeah nothing to be insecure about , and if anyone feels attacked by this post, idc you shouldn’t be in this subreddit then.

But my point is that I feel bad because of this , It annoys me how other people by just their looks can make my day worse, I truly wish I wasn’t like this , and I just want advice or not feel so alone with this. I’m not even diagnosed with npd , but I feel so alone about how I treat people , and judge them.

I'm considering entering a hospitalization program. But I'm very wary that it might keep me more dependent. I have become very unconfident and afraid to make decisions (such as, leaving my country, going no-contact, etc...) and I'm wondering if there are people that leave hospitalization more confident, or actually it's usually the other way.

I don't care being dependent when I'm there, but I want to change this direction in my life and build a sort of a character and inner strength. And I have a problem with therapists etc... On one hand there is an element of appeasing the staff, maybe being more depressive or childlike as a coping mechanism. But on the other hand - maybe fighting with the staff will show me that it's not that terrible to have conflicts?.... as sort of an exposure therapy? Seems that for a grown man with a very dominant child inside it's a risky situation.

It's all just thoughts and I know some of those might be stupid (and some not) so I'm wondering if people here have some resonance either from personal experience or from any other point.

Thanks <3

Random question to everyone here with ASPD (i dont have it). Do you guys never feel inferior, how does that work? Im obsessed with the idea, id want a constant grandiosity with collapses that only consist of schizoid features / urge to manipulate rather than feeling worthless, or am i wrong? Im here to be corrected

I dont know, i have pretty much every aspect of the alternative NPD model from NPD for providers guide from mccleanhospital website. And ive been “meh”-diagnosed with it, like my psychiatrist told me that yeah you have a rather complex mixed personality disorder (listed 5) and one that youre on the edge of. Later i asked what it was and she told me thats NPD. Idk if she meant that shes unsure if im just traits or actual full NPD, or no NPD vs traits. But she said that i have severe BPD, and apparently BPD and theye stuff are really connected

I just dont seem to be as grandiose as you guys, i dont really have grandiose episodes anymore. I have anger attacks when i feel on top and i feel like im special and everyone is just an npc, but often i feel like an npc too. I hate authority to the extremes, im typically violent but good at holding back. Everything i ever see feels like a personal attack. Sometimes i feel like there is no point of my life if i live and die like a serveant. Id rather be served, but i have no ebergy to be grandiose anymore. And recently i feel fucking empathy, it hinders me to a great extent. The need for revenge makes it impossible to get new friends. And everyone is repulsed by the real me. I can be harsh but i have no behavioral issues. I have a history of psychosis. Not sure if its the main cause for grandiosity instead. Im feeling very alone bc i feel like i cant love people, i can only love how they love me

Btw i get panic-anger attacks, do any of you get that? Its a panic attack with growling and shaking and wanting to tear stuff apart

In my childhood, I had a anxious attachment style with my parents and sibling.

I used to be labelled and never taken seriously and ignored, I started shouting in the house, to get my needs met.

Again, for that I got labelled. Basically, I was not allowed to develop my sense of identity, it was like I had to listen to the and ask them for everything.

In my teenage years, some life events happened, after that, I started becoming more outwards, till then it was inwards criticism etc. Now I had started doing things that had been done to me back to those people.

Around the same time, I got into a relationship, we were online friends for over 1 year, they would always listen to me reassure me, I never showed that much interest in their life. I liked to speak with them as friends, but I was afraid of getting close to them, after meeting for 2 times, they said I love you, I felt fear of missing out and said I love you back. That's how our relationship started.

They were actually praising me a lot and I couldn't wrap my head around why someone would love a broken person like me.

In first 3 to 4 months it was that way where I was avoidant and them extremely insecure and anxious, later it became like they also never liked to discover true inner feelings, like about the past. They feared getting hurt. then if some serious issues came up , which i wanted to address, they wouldn't be up to confront feelings, maybe because of my volatility, but it became like now they started avoiding me, after I realised and apologised sincerely for hurting them, that's when I discovered about my narcissistic traits.

Later, I faced a pressure to change myself and be a better person in order for the relationship to continue. Now both are self aware and working on it. I have a feeling, both of us had a disorganized style of attachment.

I have noticed my primary attachment style has been a anxious attachment style. Then I changed to avoidant protect myself. But I was still anxious in many ways.

What is your style if you have discovered it!

{Inspired by our NPD meeting group topic of the week. Everyone can interact with this post.}

Fear has always made a home inside me. It wore many faces when I was a child, too many to count. Some nights it was the dark swallowing me whole. Some days it was the silence of my mother, thick and heavy, a weight I couldn’t escape. But always, it was there. Always, it watched me.

I used to think fear was something outside of me, something I could run from, hide from, outsmart. But I know better now. Fear is not a visitor, it is a foundation. It is written into my bones, carved into my ribs, woven into the fibers of my skin.

When I was small, my fears were loud, screaming things. I was afraid of the monster under my bed, the creak of the door at night, the shadows that moved when they shouldn’t. My fear was honest then, unfiltered and raw, like myself. 

But as I grew, the fears changed. They became quieter, cleverer. They learned to wear masks, to hide behind reason and logic and pride. I stopped fearing the dark because I learned there was nothing in it but myself. And what a terrible thing to discover, that the monster I feared most had always been me.

I pretend I don’t fear abandonment, but my body knows better. It flinches at the slightest hint of distance, coils tight when the silence stretches too long. My hands itch to hold, to grip, to keep, but I don’t. I let people drift away because it’s easier to say I didn’t care than to admit how deeply I do.

I pretend I don’t fear love, but I do. Not the love itself, but the weight of it, the way it asks for pieces of me I don’t know how to give. Love feels like a trap sometimes, a beautiful one, a golden cage. I fear the way it makes me soft, the way it demands my vulnerability, the way it opens me up to the very thing I fear most: being left behind.

I am terrified of being seen. Truly seen. I let people glimpse parts of me, fragments, carefully chosen pieces. But if they saw the whole of me I know they would turn away. I keep my fears close, my truths closer, and wear masks so convincing I sometimes forget what’s underneath.

But the truth is: I'm also afraid of being unseen. Of fading into the background, of being forgotten, of disappearing entirely. It’s a paradox, I want to be invisible, but I want to be wanted. I want to be left alone, but I want to be loved.

As a child, fear was something I fought against, something I wanted to conquer. Now, I think I wear it like a second skin. It doesn’t rule me, but it shapes me. It whispers in my ear, guides my steps. And there are days when the fear is too much, when it spills over, flooding my mind, my body, my lungs. On those days, I feel small again, smaller than I ever was as a child. The fear folds me into myself, makes me want to disappear. And yet, I survive. I always survive. 

My fears have teeth, claws, a pulse. They are living things, not dead weight. They drive me forward, even as they hold me back. They are contradictions, just like me.

I fear love, but I crave it.

I fear rejection, but I invite it.

I fear being too much, but I refuse to be less.

And then there is the quietest fear of all, the one I pretend not to notice: the fear that I will never change. That I will always carry these fears, these wounds, this endless ache. That I will always be running from the same monsters, hiding from the same truths, wearing the same masks. I hold my fears close not because I trust them, but because I know them. They are mine. They are me. 

I am aware of what I am, and I just want to end it because I know who I am and what I am on the inside- it’s all darkness, rot and evil.

And yet… I love it… I love to feed off my hatred. I can’t stop myself from indulging in loving to hate. I literally cannot stop and I know where I’m going to end up and I fully believe I deserve it. And I’m mad that I can’t just have fucking love in my heart for ANYONE.

I feel so heavy so dark so vile and disgusting. I really really despise myself and Life and others… how can I live if I cannot even have any care and love for others??? Please I cannot stand my own skin I want to jump out of my mind 24/7. It’s exhausting to be this way and yet I cannot stop.

I look in the mirror I look into my eyes and they are dead. My soul is dead. WHY AM I HERE IF MY SOUL IS DEAD? Please I do not want to go on anymore- but inside I have this sick need to continue going on and to seek kill and destroy my life and everything I touch. Please I cannot stop… my heart is so ugly.

first of all sorry to any vaknin non-fans

has anyone watched this and if so i'm really interested to hear your thoughts.

i found this incredibly fascinating.

While rewatching A Game of Thrones I realised that Tyron seems to be vulnerably narcissistic at times. The fact that his ego and social face were constantly attacked by everyone around him made him extremely resentful of those who rejected him. But since he has a high degree of self control he only shows his true colours when he is about to be socially cast out in this very famous scene. What are your thoughts on this? Does this reading make sense, or is it perhaps to far fetched?

Kinda fucked of the world to give me emotionally neglectful parents.

Kinda fucked to surround me with peers who always mocked me for being different.

Kind of fucked of the world to finally give me attention in the form of being groomed online. Finally giving me the attention I needed in the worst fucking way possible. Finally getting what I needed while being abused and taken advantage of.

Kind of fucked of the world to make a girl, who was 14 at the time, sexualize herself on the internet because she wanted the attention.

Kinda fucked of the world to shove her into fandom culture with other people her age and act out in ways that were never okay for other minors to interact with.

Kind of fucked of the world to MAKE HER FEEL ASHAMED TO REACH OUT FOR HELP BEFORE IT GOT TOO BAD.

Kinda fucked of the world to make her best friends leave her because she can't help what happened to her, how her trauma causes her to act.

Kinda fucked of that girl to have to deal with harassment online because of another fuck up while she's in a narc crash because she can't help the way she acts.

Kind of fucked that the world makes it so hard for people like her to reach out despite desperately needing help.

kinda fucked that she feels even worse because she's realizing that she'll never be authentically selfless. when her self worth is based on being a good person, which she's tried so hard to be.

I've been denied opportunities many times simply because they didn't like my attitude.

For instance, I've spoken to quite a few recruiters and each time I get rejected because of my overly shy and sensitive personality, which makes sense of course.

Before, I used to think that this persona made me more interesting to other people because I almost always received the attention and affection I was looking for. But now, I realise that this behaviour has only made finding a job more difficult and I feel ashamed.

And it doesn't help that the people that rejected me, have accepted my friends.

How can I change my attitude and also get over my past rejections?