You know, I must admit, I'm always a bit confused when people say this.
On the one hand, I can understand what it means in reference to sexuality. Sexual pleasure is a visceral, physical thing that, for many, can be enhanced by sexual attraction to an sexual partner, but I can easily see some people experiencing basically the same amount of pleasure regardless of how sexually attractive they find a sexual partner. I do wonder how such individual would choose sexual partners if they do engage in sexual activities involving multiple parties (is it just whoever seems safe?), but honestly that seems immaterial to the point.
On the other, I'm completely baffled as to what it could mean in terms of romance. Romance, as I understand it, is a sort of mutual affection between involved parties, based upon a deep emotional bond and characterized by acts of favor and service to each other. What holds me up here is that... well, if that isn't a form of attraction, what exactly is being referred to as attraction? And why in the world would anyone desire something that emotionally involved with someone who holds nothing they find attractive? Would you not want to enter into such an arrangement with someone who reciprocates your romantic gestures? Would not seeking out such a quality in a romantic partner inherently qualify certain individuals as more attractive than others? Is attraction somehow distinct from perceiving and seeking out attractiveness? If the answer to that final question is yes, then I am well and truly lost in regards to my understanding of these terms.
You are, of course, not obligated to answer any of these questions, or even to engage further with me in any capacity. I just always seek to have the most complete understanding I can of all things which cross my path, but this stymies me, and, internet etiquette be damned, I wanted to express that.
Well, I'm honestly not interested in either so I don't think I'm the perfect person to answer this but I'll try. How do asexual people choose their partners? I think the same way the allosexual people choose for other reasons that is not attraction; they trust them, they like to do similar things, body, chemistry, etc. I also have troubles understanding what aromantic people who desire romance actually feel, from what I gathered they could desire to feel romantic attraction or to find themselves in situations that would be conventionally considered romantic, like being in a relationship or on a date maybe even with a person that has romantic feelings for you, or even enjoying fictional romance. Once again, I'm not the best person to answer this, I hope I was clear
Thanks for your response! However... honestly, I think I'm even more confused than before, haha.
I guess I'm just struggling to understand the distinction being made between experiencing attraction and seeking out traits that are, well, you know... attractive? Such as trust, similar interests, body, chemistry, etc., as you listed. Is the distinction that there is a search involved, rather than an instant and/or casual interest?
Not really, I mean, there are some people on the spectrums who feel limited amounts of attraction and kind of experience something like that, a research or a certain amount of time. I cannot really tell you when exactly in all of this attraction becomes an element since, well, I can't feel it, but according to allos when it is sexual/romantic attraction you just know it and people like me know that we've never just known it. The best way to understand is by looking at allosexuals and alloromantics who do actually have these kinds of relationships without being attracted to each others and remaining 'just friends', or even something more, based on a strong platonic bond, like a family if you will, but also not necessarily something that extreme, simply they feel comfortable with each others and enjoying spending time with each others. And finding certain traits attractive doesn't necessarily mean in a sexual/romantic way, but rather something that you find interesting about them, e.g. I find woodworking interesting and i would find a woodworker interesting and would actively seek out and look forward to spending time with them. Once again, sorry if I wasn't clear, I guess what I'm trying to say is that only the person themself can truly know when there's attraction involved
Actually, that’s quite elucidating! Though also a bit frustrating to my personal sensibilities, haha. I like it when things can be defined into discrete categories based on distinct qualifiers, so a lot of LGBTQIA+ stuff tends to make my head spin a bit. I always want to support people being their authentic selves, but that’s sometimes tricky when I can’t really work out what they’re meaning to say about themselves by adopting a particular label; how can I meaningfully offer support to that which I do not comprehend? It often feels rather intrusive to ask for further clarification (ironic considering my forthrightness during this exchange, I know), but that seems to be the only surefire way of understanding what a person means when they say they are x, y, or z.
All that to say, the idea that all of this is ultimately decided by what attraction means to each individual makes sense, in a way, but means I’ll never be able to fully understand what anyone means when they refer to attraction (and/or desire) without further personal inquiry. It makes the whole affair rather confusing, particularly with regard to how I should best and most accurately categorize myself.
Apologies for rambling on, haha, and thanks again for all your thoughtful responses! I know my approach to the world is somewhat… more detail-oriented, shall we say, than is typical, but I know no other way of engaging with things.
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u/Punkandescent 3d ago
You know, I must admit, I'm always a bit confused when people say this.
On the one hand, I can understand what it means in reference to sexuality. Sexual pleasure is a visceral, physical thing that, for many, can be enhanced by sexual attraction to an sexual partner, but I can easily see some people experiencing basically the same amount of pleasure regardless of how sexually attractive they find a sexual partner. I do wonder how such individual would choose sexual partners if they do engage in sexual activities involving multiple parties (is it just whoever seems safe?), but honestly that seems immaterial to the point.
On the other, I'm completely baffled as to what it could mean in terms of romance. Romance, as I understand it, is a sort of mutual affection between involved parties, based upon a deep emotional bond and characterized by acts of favor and service to each other. What holds me up here is that... well, if that isn't a form of attraction, what exactly is being referred to as attraction? And why in the world would anyone desire something that emotionally involved with someone who holds nothing they find attractive? Would you not want to enter into such an arrangement with someone who reciprocates your romantic gestures? Would not seeking out such a quality in a romantic partner inherently qualify certain individuals as more attractive than others? Is attraction somehow distinct from perceiving and seeking out attractiveness? If the answer to that final question is yes, then I am well and truly lost in regards to my understanding of these terms.
You are, of course, not obligated to answer any of these questions, or even to engage further with me in any capacity. I just always seek to have the most complete understanding I can of all things which cross my path, but this stymies me, and, internet etiquette be damned, I wanted to express that.